Sex and Breakfast

RF Stake: $180
QQ Stake: $340

We awoke in fine fetter which was good, because we had a big day ahead of us. It was our last day at the Four Queens before moving over to Main Street Station for the Slot Tourney. And, I had pre-purchased tickets for Carlos Santana’s Supernatural show over at the Hard Rock as a surprise for Mrs. Flusher.

Our pre-breakfast play was good and I actually had two winning sessions.

Have you ever noticed that it is important to win? Have you?

It’s like – say you are up $113 on the day by breakfast as you stick a fork in your hot eggs over hard (yokes broken), country fried slab o’meat (with plenty of beige country throw-up gravy), hash browns, sourdough toast with strawberry jam, and freshly brewed, hot coffee.

You could easily be down $200. I’ve often been down $200 by breakfast, even down $300 on a couple of putrid occasions. But for the sake of argument… say you are down $200.

That’s an over $300 difference between being down $200 and up $113. So if you win $113 before breakfast, it is HUGE.

It’s pretty much like being up $300. At least, that’s how this savvy gamblester looks at it.

My notes are very reliable. It says here, I played one and a half hours (approximately 750 hands) on $20 and cashed out $40. Mrs. Flusher played one and a quarter hours and made $40 profit. Nice.

Mrs. Flusher enjoyed her breakfast club sandwich and had one last run at the Four Queen’s Machines.

Just as I said, “Video poker is fun when you’re winning… and then you get Quads”, I popped another quad. That was five quads for me and three for the Missus. There was only one thing missing from our perfect morning.

I'm not sure exactly what it means, but my notes say: “Sex + Breakfast” but they are notoriously unreliable.

I needed to set up a car rental at Avis to manage the transfer between hotels, and get our asses out to see SANTANA! I logged on to the Video Poker WinSimulator 3000 featuring WinPoker (which also does web surfing), checked for panic messages from the sticky-fingered Marti back at North American Veeblefetzer (none), and spent a good half hour searching endless travel sites for a decent car rental deal. I must have had 30 windows open and 21 different options – none of them acceptable.

Grudgingly admitting defeat, I threw myself upon the mercy of the Avis boothling.

He came up with a rate 40% less than anything I’d seen online. He must have known who he was dealing with.

Next up was a visit to the little casino host room off the lobby. It's so nice in there, quiet and plush… I’d like to have dinner served in there. I wonder if they’d mind if I brought a take-out Binions cheeeezeburger with fried onions and and bacon in?

Our host took a look at our play and made ‘the call’ to the front desk.

SCORE.

We had four nights comped up front and the last night at $50 (+ $12 taxes). She picked up all our food (about $200 worth) and the last night too.

Our bill checking out of the Queens was $2.25 – courtesy of the annoying 800 number calls to stupid Net10 support so they could tell my why my phones wouldn’t fucking work for 3-5 business days so I could call in to Mr. Azryder back at North American.

On top of all that, we scored cashback to the tune of $85 combined.

We packed up our bags, I went and got the car, and we were ready to roll. What a perfect day so far, and we were just getting going!

So many quads and FREE MEAT

Can you guess where we had our greasy lusty slippin’ sliding dripping cheesy mouthgasm lunch?

Yep, right back to the Binions snackbar for those cheeseburgers again, mine with a bacon thrown on top this time, and a cold milk chaser. Sheer tastebud heaven.

We thought we should really take the ACE bus soon down to the strip and check it out, do some coupons at Casino Royale, take in the new Area Casino Resort and Shitty Centre. But QQ wanted to give the DDB a try again.

She put a $5 bill in and hit another quad for another cool $100.

By this time the grease was congealing in my veins so it was nap time. We’d pick up the action again after a brief rest.

The rest of the day was a blur of video poker and watching my wife get quads. For example, in the next session, she hit four of ‘em to my one, including two within one minute of each other. The woman was HOT! (And yet, somehow, not rich).

That’s the thing though, you can play, you get the quads and it’s the difference between losing a little and losing a shitload. You have to really hit the big hands if you are going to finish the day a winner, when you play for hours in a day.

There was a very sexy showgirl standing on Fremont so I got my picture taken with her. She said she was from Canada. I was very happy to slip one of our own a $5 tip. I asked her how she does with the gig and she said ‘very well’. I think it’s a great idea and adds color to the downtown scene. She was real purty too.

We played some Treasure Chest at the Fremont for some reason. I managed to get two quads (the last one at the same moment as the QQ – simultaneous quadgasms.) But all we ever picked was the minimum – 140 quarters. I did talk to one woman who had won $1199 on Treasure Chest so it really does give out the top prize sometimes. Well, rarely. Almost never.

The Fitz meat coupon went to good use to buy an order of the ‘Colonel can go fuck himself this is the best’ Fried Chicken. We shared because I was getting my ass kicked so badly, I didn’t think I’d have any ass left. Even having gotten a royal… I was down on the trip. That’s how bad my general play was.

And even with the QQs play, and an absolutely amazing run of FOURTEEN Quads – she was down on the day too. (Her record is even higher than that.)

But, we had free chicken, and a day I wouldn’t trade for any day on the size 7 Grommet line at North American Veeblefetzer. Which reminded me – had the stupid SIM cards arrived for our phones yet? And if they did, would I have to nurse stupid Ding Dong stealing Marti through some major brain fart fuckup on the line? I put those thoughts aside and instead, closed my eyes in my little Four Queens beddy-byes and started imagining Carlos Santana.

RF Day $-420 Trip $-220
QQ Day $-140 Trip $-310

Note that I was still out gamblestering the QQ... even with all them quads. It doesn't matter. Its not a competition. Also, I had out gamblestered her by almost $100 at this point.

The Legend of Shangri Vegas Club

Saturday
RF Stake: 500
QQ Stake: 380

Because I am such a savvy gamblester, I purposely booked this trip over a month-end. We’d blown through our $50 each freeplay at the Four Queens and because today was the first day of the month, we each got a second $50 freeplay. Now that is the Royal Flusher Way.

There is nothing like starting the day in Magnolias with a light, refreshing breakfast served on crisp linen, after you’ve played two solid hours of eye-burning video poker while pounding Jack Daniels and coffee on an empty stomach in a smoky, hazy casino.

And the light refreshing breakfast was my standard Four Queens Fueler – the country fried steak and eggs, with hash browns, sourdough toast and jam. And don’t forget the country throw-up gravy all over the country-fried ‘steak’. It's actually pretty delicious. I tend to work up quite an appetite while casino-hopping and this always sticks to my ribs.

And pants.

Having popped a Royal the day before I was hoping I’d broken the trend of generally not getting enough quads to make some money. The Quad Queen was pretty much smoking me in that department.

For example, pre-breakfast she’d hit three of them to my one.

Exiting the blast doors of the Four Queens, after having checked our provisions of boiled goats milk in stainless steel bottles, and slabs of last falls pemmican, we started to make our way due west. The going was tough and our sledges heavy. They dragged through the snow like coffins, as if their rails had never been greased with the runoff of the mutton we’d roasted the week before at base camp.

The temperature outside was a full 6 degrees cooler than in the ‘Queens – which we now viewed as an oasis. But I knew that if we persevered, glory could be ours. Surely the rumors of the Las Vegas Club’s existence were too persistent not to be based in reality.

Our energy flagged as the hours wore on and I even considered cutting the sledges free in a last-gasp all-in effort to reach The Club. If I did that, we’d have to press on without stopping because the sledges held our last bundles of reindeer dung and without a fire, we’d surely freeze to death in a matter of weeks in the unforgiving Nevada desert. I put the idea out of my mind as madness.

We pressed on. And on. And then… we pressed on some more.

Oh how we pressed on.

And then… it appeared. As real as the legends had said. The Las Vegas Club!

Yes, a full 4 epic minutes after leaving the safety of the ‘Queens, we had reached salvation. We were greeted with an abundance of indifference and once seated at the Deuces Wild machines, were at least offered complimentary libations known as ‘cocktails’. Gladly we partook of the local bottom shelf nectar.

I felt I was way, way overdue for quads, so surely this was the right machine to be playing. After having seen the Queen nail the deuces for $500 cash, I wanted my piece of the deucy pie.

I dumped in $60 bucks. And in my run on the machine, hit three natural quads for sweet fuck all each. Okay, so they were worth $5 each but might as well be fuck all. Oh my God I was annoyed! Mrs Flusher didn’t fare much better.

Rare photo of Royal Flusher (top).

To turn things around, I tried to replicate my first success on the Four Queens dollar 69 Jacks machines using my fifty Four Queens Bucks in freeplay. The results were as follows.

RF: $50 -> $37.50
QQ: $50 -> $00.00 <-- br="" fail.="" freeplay:="">

<-- br="" fail.="" freeplay:="">I quickly blew my $37.50 in quarter Bonus Poker, not getting anything out of it except more points on my card.

The Quad Queen did manage to nail two more of the four-card beauties.

Binions Double Double Bonus yielded a return of zero as well.

It was time to take stroll out of the canopy down to the Elco. I finally found some luck on their craps table, drinking a nice iced vodka and buying in for $60, cashing out $91 after a decently long session. 
<-- br="" fail.="" freeplay:="">Meanwhile Princess Q nailed four quads on various games.

Including back to back quads on consecutive hands. Nicely done!
<-- br="" fail.="" freeplay:="">
We still hadn’t won free meat at the Fitz so we gave it a crack with the loose change we had in our pockets, putting the quarters in one at a time to reach five, real old-school.

I was dealt four to a Royal but couldn’t pick up the needed card.

And sure enough, the Quad Queen hit again on Triple Double Super Ultra Mega Bonus. Four sixes for a cool $100 (in quarters) plus a FREE MEAT COUPON. All that on about 15 loose quarters we had between us.

I wasn’t worried though – Vegas had a way of getting our winnings back from us. Just don’t ask me how they do that.
<-- br="" fail.="" freeplay:="">

Winning Hamburger Losing Craps Saving Stanley

Back in the room, I decided to fire up the Video Poker WinSimulator 3000 featuring WinPoker (which also does email) and check in to see how bad that Ding Dong stealer Marti was fucking up my size 7 Grommet line. I cursed Mr. Azryder as I fought to poach a signal from somewhere. The Flusher does not pay for internet just so he can stay in touch with The Man. Every millisecond I worked on the task was another millisecond away from gambling, drinking or eating and one way or the other it will come back to me like a bottle of Crisco (except one tablespoon).

Well wouldn’t you know it, one of my favorite nephews was stoned. And it was bad.

No, really, he was in trouble with what they thought was kidney stones and was at the hospital.

All thoughts of mirthful trip reports to be written sometime in the future disappeared from my thoughts. There was no way I would get over the trauma of imagining my dear sweet nephew S. laboring to give birth to a couple of golf ball sized rocks through his peepee and be able to jot down anything about it later.

“Mrs. Flusher, I have some bad news. Our beloved nephew Stanley has to pass a couple of cantaloupe sized stones through his Harry Potter.”

“WTF? OMG!” she emoticonned back at me from across the room.

“Yes. He’s been taken to emergency in great pain. So, please, you know – say a prayer or something for him.”

I kind of bowed my head like I know what I’m doing and thought some kind thoughts for my nephew Stan.

After what seemed like a pious interval, I raised my noggin’ again.

“Well? Did you… say something?”

And this is what she uttered.

“DEAR GOD. PLEASE SAVE STAN. THANK YOU, MRS. FLUSHER…

ALOHA!”

I shook my head. She’d obviously been eating too many of those ABC store macadamia thingies.
It turned out there wasn’t anything that needed my attention at North American Veeblefetzer, so we were on our way again… to Binions… to lunch… where we discovered…

The Cheeseburger.

Oh my oh my the Binions snack bar cheeseburger. They say they grind the meat and make the patties daily from fresh, not frozen, and I believe it.

Its just a good, honest hamburger, made real, made the old fashioned way. The price is low to begin with but we had almost enough comp dollars on our Binions cards to cover two of 'em.

I had my burger with grilled onions. It came garnished up, lettuce, tomato, pickle, hot freshly made wide-cut fries, or hash browns in my case, on the side. Once I picked this thing up and started in on it I was in some kind of heaven. Warm juices of onion and beef grease filled my mouth and literally started in a trickle down my wrist.

It’s the kind of burger where you just don’t care and you don’t dare put that thing down because it’ll fall apart in a cheese, gooey, rapturous mess and you’ll have to resort to knife and fork.

I haven’t enjoyed a burger like that in years.

Mrs. Flusher says, "It has everything you want in a burger. You want to come away messy."

After lunch we headed over to the Fremont for $3 craps (me) and Pick ‘em (she). My craps carma seemed to have deserted me – for the third straight session I lost my buy-in rather quickly. $40 just isn’t enough bankroll. I resolved to buy in for more next session.

The Fitz saw more of our VP action. We never seem to get decent offers there though, even though they get a lot of our play. There were quads, and some more quads… I hit the $100 Aces and on we played and on we drank and on. Damn I love it.

Later on, after a rest and a flaying in the shower, we took a crack at $1 69 Jacks or Better again. We played away for a while and it was not going well for me. I got down to my last couple of hands worth and switched to 50 cents. This got me enough wins to get going a bit and I hit a straight flush for $125. There were sure a lot of straights flush this trip – 4 if you include the Royal.

In the end you could say it was a successful session – I finished up $35 when we cashed out and Mrs. F was up $100. Nice.

Back over to Binions to play some Deuces and Double Double. No big quads today but lots of play on the Deuces.

Dinner saw us enjoying our other downtown favorite – the fried chicken upstairs at Fitzgeralds. You want degenerate? It takes 25 minutes to make the chicken, yeah?

We struck a deal with the hostess. She put the order in on the chicken and we prepaid. Then we hit the casino for exactly 25 minutes to gamble more.

Twenty two minutes are up, we go grab some Keno tickets from the Keno lounge (so we can gamble while we eat), we sit down, the ‘steaming hot crispy outside, juicy inside, cooked to perfection, the Colonel can go fuck himself this is the best chicken I’ve ever tasted’ Fried Chicken arrives just at that second. Another moment of sweet culinary perfection.

I say an Aloha and dig in.

After dinner we each popped another couple of quads, and the Quad Queen hit another straight flush!

Strangely, she hit four queens four times today. Huhn. With all those quads, how did she lose 250 bucks??? Tons and tons of tons of play.

RF has: $1100 up +800 on day +100 on the trip
QQ has: $180 down -255 on day -170 on the trip

Royal Half A Flusher

Slept really well, probably because of the fine dinner we had a Tinesco’s. This is a restaurant in the space where the wonderful Great Moments room used to be at the Vegas Club. The menu is casual but the food served with an élan, a flair, that harkens back to the old days when this was a beef ‘n leather gourmet room. Sadly, the VC can’t support that anymore. But Tinesco’s provided great service and delicious food at a pretty reasonable price and I recommend it. I had the Chicken Parmawhoosiz with the élan on the side. Mrs. F had a steak sandwich which had inside it – a steak. An actual steak. And one of those salads with the fancy lettuce in that looks like dandelions.

This morning, my wallet was empty, and my cash on hand was gone. I had to do the walk of shame to the cage and cash some traveller’s checks to pump up my stake:

RF Stake: 300
QQ Stake: 435

We started out as usual to pay for the room on our hard-played points – hitting the Bonus Poker at the Four Queens, near the Keno. I played a little 50 cent and hit a quad, and then another on quarters – a good way to start the day.

Hard to believe we hadn’t won any meat yet, so we hit the Fitz lobby meat machines.

I played Double Double Bonus and was dealt AAA three times. THREE TIMES and I could not pull the fourth Ace. We got good play on our 20s which is always nice.

“No meat for you.”

Mrs. Flusher headed back to the room at the old FQ, maybe to flay some of her epidermis off in the Dysan Windtunnel Shower. I hit the BP again. The bank of machines by Keno. The ones on the side of the security desk. The machine on the far right, near the brick wall.

That machine.

I actually wanted the one 2nd from the brick wall because I got a royal on it once. But some lady was playing it.

I shoved a 20 in and got busy, figured I’d play until the Queen showed up. I was kind of jealous of her Super Deuces the night before. That hand is not just four deuces – it is every hand there is – except one. It is a pair, two pairs, trips, straight, flush, full house, quad – and a wild royal.

After about 40 minutes, I held the King and Ace of Spades. Well, I tells ya, I saw the other 3 come in, recognized it immediately before the countup even began. I even had time to get the camera out and video some of it.

Yes, I hit the beauty of beauties, the hand of hand, the jack of pots… the Ace high straight flush also known as a Royal. Fucking. Flush.

Took some pics (obviously) and wished my partner was there to see it – more often than not, we hit them alone. Punched the cashout button and… it only printed half a ticket.
WTF.

Half a ticket? Does this mean I only get paid $500???

Because The Flusher is such a savvy and smart gamblester, he did not panic. No, he motioned to the security desk and they called a ticket puller fixer printer guy. What we did was, he walked me over to the cage to vouch for the veracity of the half a royal ticket.

It scanned and there was no problem – and I had 10 sweet benjamins to go up and fan the Quad Queen with.

I was up on the trip, the Royal was off my back on day 3, and life was perfect.

The Goddess and the Gobbler

Thursday

RF Stake: 100
QQ Stake: 200

I like to shower as much as the next guy. And there’s nothing worse than a limp, weak, luke-warm stream that barely has enough power to hit the tub. Same goes for the output of the shower head.

Well let me tell you.

If the Four Queens know anything, they know how to make a shower.

If you need to exfoliate, get room 1029 at the Four Queens Hotel and Casino. The shower was like a fucking sandblaster. I’m lucky I still have gonads. I think I lost three layers of skin. This thing is like… you could pressure wash a 747 with the shower nozzle. It was GREAT. I feel like a new man… probably because I am growing all-new skin.

I met up with the Flusherina who was hammering the upright VP machines near the Keno lounge, and who was, at this early hour, well on her way to getting hammered.

“How was your shower?” she asked, aquatically.

“Amazing. It was like shampooing in an F5 tornado.”

Just then a particularly – shall I say – buxom – cocktail waitress happened by. “Here’s your nectar of the Gods dear,” she says and plunks down what I take to be a shot of Crown Royal next to three empty glasses. Mrs. Flusher is not wasting time on this vacation.

“What’s the best bourbon you can serve me for playing quarter video poker?”

“Well, I can check… let me see.”

A few minutes later she came back – with another Nectar of the Gods – and what turned out to be Wild Turkey.

She put the drinks down. “One for the Goddess – and one Gobbler.”

I still tipped. Don’t ask me why.

A word about the stake – in my notes, it actually looks like this:

RF Stake: 100+100+100+100+100
QQ Stake: 200+150+100

But I don’t want to give anything away.

Sigh.

We started pounding out our morning VP session – three hands in I hit a quad. Nice.

And later on I got four Aces the hard way. I held (AJ) and drew three more Aces for $100. One time at Luxor I held some single high card like a King or something – and drew four Aces. That’s about as tough as it gets.

We had a good solid session playing a full hour on $20 each. Now that’s cheap entertainment. What makes it really fun is shouting out “DUDES!” every time 69 is announced on Keno. That’s good clean dirty adult childish fun!

We made the pilgrimage to the Vegas Club to try for the $500 Deuces again. I really wonder about the VC. It looks like they are sort of trying, but it's so dead in there. The ‘pole pit’ with the pot bellied grindy dancer chicks – it's kind of sordid and depressing.

Maybe it’s the too loud, distorted music – they are just trying too hard somehow. I hope the place makes it but I think it's going to take some kind of marketing genius to figure out how they can distinguish themselves. I fear it will be extinguish, not distinguish.

Had a pretty good run hitting a bunch of WRFs to keep me going in credits. Got 3 deuces to try for the fourth a twice. Nothing doing though.

When we were done with that, we headed over to the California. Oh yes. The dollar coin droppers. PANG PANG PANG PANG PANG! We love these machines, and so do the hearing aid people.

My notes say: “Cal coin droppers. Lose.”

Sigh.

We swung up through Binions to play the full pay Deuces there. I dropped $60 without getting anything much. By this time, I was getting really hungry but because we weren’t getting four deuceses, I thought we should make a sacrifice.

We ate at McDonalds in the Fitz for $4. How can you sell a cheeseburger for like $1.09????

Some cow gave its life for that cheeseburger. There’s shipping costs, refrigeration, processing, labour to cook it, condiments, bun, cheese food product slices. And it's worth a little over a buck. Wow.

More Bonus Poker, upstairs at the Fitz. (And more gobblers.)

I hit my second straight flush and then went totally cold, while Mrs. Flusher racked up the quads. I have her down for a straight flush, and then three quads in quick succession.

In fact, she played 875 hands on $20. Oh if it could always be so easy.

She went on to hit three more quads including Aces for $100 while I racked up the +100s on my stake. I was going into the hole bigtime. She, on the other hand, was going into the hole, little time.

I was really struggling, down almost five bills for the day. We decided to give the Vegas Club Deuces another try.

Wouldn’t you know it, the little Quad Queen gets DEALT the four ducks for a cool $500!!!

Thank goodness somebody is winning!

RF Day -500 Trip -700 <-- br="" loser="">QQ Day +285 Trip +65 <-- br="" winner="">

<-- br="" loser="">

First Full Day 1 in Vegas

First Full Day 1 in Vegas

Wednesday.

RF Stake $390
QQ Stake $180

Sleep was – well, I wouldn’t say it was fitful. It wasn’t fitless either. I’d say sleep had some fits in it, wasn’t rife with fits, wasn’t having a dearth of fits – but perhaps medium in fitness. It was certainly enough for the first full Day 1 in Vegas for a couple of sprightly gamblesters such as ourselves.

We arose and I had one word to utter to the Quad Queen.

“Gamble?”

Oh yes. We headed down to the 69 Jacks again in the Four Queens and started to have at it!

We decided to use some of our freeplay. I started with $20 and cashed out with $70. Mrs. F. lost her $20 but punched the little freeplay buttons to load up another $20 and cashed out with $80.

This is what I love. We are finally on vacation. We are in Las Vegas. The Four Queens has spotted us each $50 to play with. We’ve only used half of it and we are up $230 on the trip.

It makes my heart and wallet absolutely sing!

We kind of toured around, playing some quarter Bonus Poker (BP) in the old FQ. I hit a $50 quad and strangely, the first straight flush of the trip playing 50 cent BP. Usually it takes days to get the first one. I held 8,9,10,J and pulled the Queen for $125.

There’s a couple of old quarter Deuces machines in the Vegas Club that pay $500 for the deuces and I am bound and determined to hit them this trip. I am wayyyy short of deuces, lifetime. We strolled down Fremont, taking in the old familiar sites, stopped at the ABC store for some of them chocolate macamaroni nuts – the ones where you get 2 in a little package.
Found the machines in the Vegas Club and gave ‘em a bash. Came up empty though.

We decided to try the other end of Fremont and headed down to the El Cortez and didn’t Mrs. Flusher hit a straight flush?! I picked up a quad but the Elco probably got the best of us.
Back to the Queens to start giving them some play. And Mrs. F started hitting the quads.
(99)99, (QQ)QQ, (33)33...

Hit Magnolias for lunch so we could put it on the room and hopefully get it comped on checkout. They had a Fried Chicken special for $6.50 so we ordered that. It was quite good – not as good as the F.C. at the Fitz – but pretty darn good.

Somehow I am now only up $20, having been up $250 at one point. Why can’t I just always win???

Got on the phone to activate our US cell phones (Net10). I spent an hour trying to get it sorted so I could call Marti back at North American Veeblefetzer when she fucks up the size 7 Grommet line on that big Eurasindian order. They tell me the phones are de-activated and they have to actually send me new SIM cards or some shit to make them go again. (This wasn't the first time I'd been frustrated with Net10.)

I’m like, they have SIM cards already, can’t you just… make them go?

Nope. They are going to FEDEX the stupid SIM cards. So I give them Main Street Station as my address because it is going to take 3-5 business days and that's where we'll be then.

It turns out the call center is in Colombia. (Not the British one either.) The rep has cousins in Las Vegas. I tell him to tell them not to let their stupid Net10 phones de-activate.

After lunch we hitz the Fitz, tried the Meat Machines, failed to get free meat, and then headed up to the Vue bar to play the progressives (and perhaps take a libation or three). And didn’t we hit the run of quads!

QQ: (JJ)JJ
RF: (77)77
QQ: (77) 77 – matching my 7s
RF: (555)5 and (KKKK) – yes, dealt kings…

It was one of the great runs on quarter VP – I put in $20 and cashed out with $160 an hour later.

Here’s the thing though. It doesn’t last. The Quad Queen hit another five sets of quads including AAAA for $100 and I petered out, not seeing another set all day.

What I did do, though, was catch a great roll at the $3 craps table at the Fremont. I’d bought in for $80 and my stake had dwindled down, dwindled down… boy did it dwindle. I was down to my last $10 or so and this lady, she went on a tear.

This lady rolled 42 times before crapping out.

The weird thing was, she wasn’t hitting that many numbers – she was hitting tons of twos, threes and twelves. I made some money on the Field but was afraid to jump on the twos and threes – as soon as I chase a trend, it ends. The even weirder thing about this was… she didn’t make a cent on that roll. In fact, she lost money.

Dumbass was betting the Don’t the whole time.

I made about a hundred profit and had maybe $40 on the table when the seven came. It was one of the longer rolls I’ve seen.

Dinner was probably at Magnolia's again. I’m thinking I might have had chicken fried steak (with country throw-up gravy) and eggs.

So I look at my notes and I see all these quads and I’m thinking, we must have done pretty well this first full day of Day 1 of gambling.

You forget shoving 20 after 20 into the machines. It takes a lot to play alllllll day long.
That’s why, at the end of the day, I have $100 and Mrs. F has zip.

RF: -290 on the day, -200 on the trip
QQ: -180 on the day, -200 on the trip

Was the day worth $400?

Yes it was. But my wallet is no longer singing.

Ooh, Las Vegas

The Las Vegas landing ritual is to listen to the Cowboy Junkies' ethereal version of  “Ooh Las Vegas” as we coast into the valley. It's perfect for that personal, reflective time when the engines are throttled back on descent and the plane goes quiet as people start to think about how much money they are probably going to lose in the next 3 to 4 days.

Final approach is always reserved for Elvis and Viva Las Vegas, as the casinos come into sight – and I know I am ‘home’.

We landed on time around 10:30pm local. Walked into concourse B and there are the lovely slots machine making their slots machine sounds. (As a sophisticated gamblester, you should know that the plural of slot machine is slots machine. You know, like courts martial and royals flush.)

Down to the luggage concourse and sure enough, there is a Presidential Limo driver with “Mr. Flusher” on a sign waiting. Luggage was quick and we hopped in the back of a stretch limo, glasses of cold bubbly (vintage 2010, last month) on the go. The driver was pleasant and took city streets so we could just stretch out and enjoy the ride. I find the freeway somewhat jarring on the trip downtown.

We pulled up to the Four Queens where we were comped 3 nights up front and also had $50 freeplay each coming. Walking into the casino, we were assaulted by the nasal tsunami stench of the horrid strawberry bathroom scent they started using sometime last year. Apparently my twice daily phone calls to the office of Terry Caudill (president of TLC Casino Enterprises) to plead for the removal of this ill-chosen chemical stew have gone unheeded. I pledge to swing by his house sometime this trip, if I can weasel his address out of one of the slot club boothlings.

Check in was a breeze, and we dumped our stuff in the room and headed down to begin the big-stakes adventure!

RF Stake $100
QQ Stake $100

We generally gamble a little on the first night, grab something to eat and then crash. Its always a good idea to go big right off the plane, just in case you get lucky. So we each popped a benjamin bill into the 9/6 Jacks machines right by the cage. (These machines are deftly signed ‘Full pay 6/9 Jacks or Better’. You’d think that 69 stuff would have caught on by now.)

We did the countdown thingy and pressed deal at the same moment. And the trip had officially begun.

Ah sweet Vegas, sweet video poker music, sweet slots machine sounds!

Just a few hands into the session, what happens… I’m dealt (A A A A). A dealt quad for my first quad of the trip! And its Aces! On Jacks! Shit! Why aren’t I playing Double Double Bonus? But on the other hand, I am playing dollars. I try to decide whether I’m lucky or unlucky to be on the wrong game for Aces.

I decide to stay positive. Yes, I will keep the $125.

We slipped over to Binions and played some Double Double but nothing much happened.

Mrs. Flusher headed up to the room to crash but I was starving so I grabbed something to eat at reliable Magnolias - eggs and hashbrowns. By the time I was done eating it was about 5:00am on my body clock so I headed off to bed, ready for the first full day of gambling to follow in the morning.

RF has 190, +90 for the trip
QQ has 80, -20 for the trip

We are up $70 on the trip. Always the way to go on night number one. What will tomorrow bring?

We dream of sugarplums, strawberry khybers, and royals flush.

Ooh, Las Vegas
Ain't no place for a poor boy like me
Every time I hit your crystal city you know
You're gonna make a wreck outta me

Harmony on the way to Vegas

We had enough time between planes at YYZ to change terminals, grab something to eat and shop for snacks, books, magazines, and overpriced iPod accessories.

I said, “Excuse me,” to a very well manicured man so that I could move past the fashion mags to the good mags – the ones in the plastic bags. He wore a tight t-shirt, which said something about a homophonic symphony or something, carved shapely trousers, the finest in leather belt and loafers.

He projected a distinct cloying miasma of cologne for 12 feet around himself.

I noticed small crowd of people, including some children, looking at an abandoned bag near the front of the store. I stole a peek and what did I see? The head of a little pomeranian dog sticking out of the suitcase. (I think the body and legs and tail of the little pomeranian dog were inside the suitcase.)

Sure enough the little dog started to climb out of its travel pouch.

“He’s getting out!” said somebody.

And sure enough, the slippery Italian loafer guy sashayed over to the bag. He looked angry. His 50-pack abs seethed with pomer-frustration.

I was expecting him to bellow at the poor little shaking mutt but instead, his well-dictioned high-pitched voice uttered,

“Harmony! Inside!”

He gestured at the bag again.

“HARMONY! INSIDE! INSIDE!”

Poor little Harmony did as he was told and I went back to my shopping.

We found the gate for our WestJet flight to The Holy Land Las Vegas (per Hall and Oates, “Las Vegas Turnaround”). I decided to make a call or two and that’s when I realized that my pre-paid Virgin phone, with $17.00 still on it, would expire while we were away.

I called everyone I know. I called people I don’t know. I left expansive nonsense messages, trying to use up every cent of time.

By the time we boarded the plane, I was down to 17 cents worth of time. Screw you, Richard Branson!

I spent the next 20 minutes playing the game of, “Oh dear God I am sorry for everything bad I ever did and please do not let that sweating, waddling person take the aisle seat next to me.

Yes, in a fit of illogic, I’d booked a window and a middle seat for this flight.

I was in 6E, Mrs. Flusher in 6F.

"You're six-ee baby. Get it? Sexy? 6E?", she purred.

"And you're... you're... a Six-Eff-ful gamblester," I replied.

And a person did sit down in the aisle seat next to me, but fortunately she had a good sense of humor (and was slight, and didn't reek of garlic or fish or apartment hallways), and we started chatting. She suggested that she would likely sleep most of the flight away, but if I had to get up – you know – to use the bathroom – I should just ask her to get out of her seat. I shouldn’t hesitate, I shouldn’t feel bad – just wake her and ask her to let me out.

Mrs. Flusher and I shared my take-off ritual – Luck be a Lady by Frank Sinatra roared through our earbuds just as our WestJet jet jetted off the tarmac and into the night sky. The glittering streetlights of Toronto would soon become the glittering neon of the Fabulous Las Vegas Strip and of course, Glitter Gulch.

As luck would have it, there was an open aisle seat one row back with an empty middle next to it.

The woman next to me, who I had come to think of as ‘the woman next to me in the aisle seat’, got permission to move over there. She’d have more room, I’d have more room. It was a win, win.

My parting words were, “I’ll still wake you up if I have to go to the bathroom.”

Grumm-craft Aero-Spatiale Beecherfokker 2-4-D

We managed to get some offers to use for hotels downtown this trip and used points for the commuter aka white knuckle flights from Flusherville Regional Airport to the Big Smoke, I’m talkin’ T. – the big T.O – YYZ to you a-vi-a-tors.

From YYZ we are booked on Westjet direct to Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, USA. And we had to pay for these flights, since Mrs. Flusher hasn’t bought enough of those Muskoka chair kits and strangely branded over-priced Rona chocolate bars (from Rona) to get the Airmiles points to pay for the flights.

Finally the day has come. I managed to get off from North American Veeblefetzer early. Marti made me say I’d get her a souvenir from the Hard Rock Hotel which I stupidly agreed to. Packing – went late as always. When will I ever learn to pack ahead of time? Why do I always overestimate the number of pairs of underwear I’ll actually use in Vegas?

It was time and what a feeling as I hauled the bags out to the car to start our journey. I think the feeling was something like an exploding disk, actually. Mrs. Flusher tends to over-pack. Something flew with great velocity into the inside of the back of my shirt – do exploding disks give off shrapnel?

So we made the trip to F.R.A. and parked the Flushermobile, and started the journey by… sitting and waiting. It seems to me that modern travel consists, not of excitement, but of waiting. And possibly looking out a window. Or maybe harbouring lusty thoughts about that group of 3 hot college women. Or mentally pleading for the batteries in that kids toy to melt, causing the toy to combust and putting an end to the incessant beeping and shrieking through that rattling speaker! Its not that I want that tow-headed monster to actually get hurt, but dear GOD.

I get a little wound up when I travel and I should probably drink more, pre-flight.

So we rode the Flintstones plane from Flusherville – it's always some off brand weird model of plane that you’ve never heard of or that you thought went out of business 60 years ago. Did Fokker go into suspended animation between the time they built tri-planes for the Kaiser in WW1? When did they get certified to construct planes out of metal and plastic instead of wood, fabric and dope?

I know Beechcraft makes great little private planes – why is Air Jazz Canada (or whatever it is, it looks like Air Canada, feels like Air Canada, but they say it's Jazz, and on the plane it say Air Georgian – WTF???) flying 28 people on a Beechcraft???

Why can’t we fly on a small Boeing? Or even an Airbus in a pinch? I just don’t feel safe on the twin turbo-prop (there’s a word that sounds like the airplane equivalent of budget toilet paper) Grumm-craft Aero-Spatiale Beecherfokker 2-4-D Fireball Commuter Aeroplane (with winglets).

You know you are in trouble when the co-pilot is also the stewardess, right?

Somehow – SOMEHOW – we made it and touched down in YYZ with the clatter of ill-adjusted brakes and the shriek of thrice re-treaded budget airplane tires smoking down the runway.

Some vacation this is going to be!

Things have been tough at North American Veeblefetzer (now Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer). There’s been a lot of change in the organization of staff on the Grommet Lines, including the size 7 Grommet Line where I work.

Its not that there is a lot of demand for grommets right now, but fortunately we have some fat contracts in the Eurasindia economic region that are keeping us afloat – grommet production contracts that were locked in before this economic repression set in and fucked everyone’s holiday plans.

Yeah, I’m sure a money-saving Staycation is just what the doctor ordered after two plus years of no salary increases, no promotions, and less cleaning services in the North American lunch room.

I thought, screw that, we should just go to Vegas. That night over our Hungryman dinners, I said to Mrs. Flusher, “Screw that, we should just go to Vegas.”

“Screw what, honey? And yes, we should go to Vegas.”

We planned our trip oh so carefully picking out dates in March. But wait. A big size 7 grommet contract extension for the Eurasindia economic region came in – I guess they are starting to build their own cars and things there and need more of our patented RoundGromm™ round grommets. (We really do build a fine grommet if I do say so myself.)

Anyway , we delayed our plans. And guess what, the huge size 7 grommet contract extension for the Eurasindia economic region was delayed as well. And now we have a huge production run just when we are going to Vegas.

The worst part is, there’s a new chick on the size 7 grommet line and she’s a little green. Frankly, a couple of Ring Dings have disappeared from my lunch pail since Marti started and coincidently, she’s put on a few pounds. Unless I miss my guess, these are Ring Ding pounds. You do the math, Marti!!!

Marti is okay, even though she smells like an apartment hallway a bit – and actually, she has some strange habits and, well, she isn’t all that reliable. Like the time she was late back from lunch and forgot to press the interlock on the grommet presser heater assembly rig? It cost us 582 cold pressed grommets, which are not shippable at all. I know its that many because I spent over 2 hours counting them for the GSR (Grommet Shrinkage Report).

So now we are finally almost on our way to Sweet Vegas except Norbert, my boss, has insisted that I carry a beeper, a cellphone, and a laptop on vaca in case Marti fucks up.

Hellooooo – last I checked vacation time was my time. I work my regulation 42 7/9ths hours per week and if I work over 48 3/10ths hours I start booking overtime. Where does it say I have to babysit that Ding Dong stealing Marti while I’m in Las Vegas????

Some vacation this is going to be!