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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Triple your fun!

Here's a double barreled triple play two-fer Royal Flusher Hand of the Day to end 2011.


This is one I see a lot.

Three Aces. A kicker. No fourth Ace.

I call this a Three Ace Johnson.

How about this little beauty?


This one is called a Triple Gretzky.

Hey, there's the fourth Ace I need, maybe Gretzky will pass it to Johnson.

It's been a pretty exciting 2011 here in Flusherville, and there in Las Vegas. I had 3 trips to Vegas, some amazing ups and downs, three Royals Flush, one big-ass Royal-less trip, some cool but unrewarding high stakes gambling, a shitload of video poker, and an amazing amount of fun, not all of which I remember in any detail.

C'mon back in 2012 and we'll have some more fun!




Friday, December 30, 2011

Lend me a couple of jacksons

Today's Royal Flusher Hand of the Day is as pictured below.


So what do you think we call this little beauty?

Why, the Jackson 5s of course.

Don't believe me? Look a little closer.


Ideally, the real Jackson 5 hand is JJJJ5.

But I'm not that lucky on the Royal Flusher Video Poker WinSimulator 3000.





Friday, December 23, 2011

Double Up anyone?

Suppose you hit a nice quad on Double Double bonus, maybe Four Aces. And then you are faced with this screen:


Would you have the balls to go for it?

There's lots of reasons to do it, and lots of reasons not to. For one thing, you are risking 800 credits, but you aren't getting any points toward what could someday be a free buffet. And, basically you are looking at a 50/50 draw.

Read more on Double Up Video Poker.




Sunday, December 18, 2011

Lost Vegas

The last-chance-in-your-pants dollar streak was not the end of the saga of the Fortieth Las Vegas Trip.

There are a few more details to relate but really, not much. Somehow I dragged my ass out of bed early the next morning to pack, have at a few machines, have breakfast, and get ready for the airport.

By now I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was not going to get a Royal Flush this trip. Isn't gambling funny? One trip I have 2 of them in 24 hours, and this trip - 14 days in Vegas and I come up dry.

This unpredictability is, I think, why we keep at it, we gamblers. It's an attempt to try to understand and predict the random. And it's sprinkled with sweet monetary surprises that delight us and make us want more and more and more. And it's littered with stupid losses, attempts to chase and turn things around that end with an embarrassing moment when you push away from the table or machine, defeated. And you want redemption in the form of cash and prizes.


When you work the size 7 grommet line at Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer the way I do, you have to pretty much admit that your self esteem is never going to be completely topped to the filler spout on your psychic tank. So you take these things hard.

We did play a little bit more in the morning, and of course the Queen nailed a couple of nice quads to keep her bankroll happening. I lost some, really did not have much stomach to lose any more money.

But then! There's always the Airport!

We checked out of the El Cortez and I had no problem getting the front desk to pick up any remaining room charges. So rooms and food were gratis, not counting the $987 dollars I probably dropped in the casino.

Why I can lose in the casino, and still be thrilled to pieces that the casino will buy my eggs and Breakfast Potatoes and little turd-like sausages, I'll never know. Maybe it comes back to that grommet psyche again, that little need to want to be more than a guy on the line, to be a somebody, at least as far as Free Breakfast Potatoes go.

The limo driver picked us up right on time and we were happy to see it was our old pal Tony from over 2 weeks ago. Remember, we were his second trip ever? Well he was thriving at the limo driving business. I asked him how many cones he demolished on the road test and he laughed - they actually did have a pretty stringent road test, which makes sense, considering he is responsible for potentially rich (not us though) clients, not to mention a very expensive, gigantic Queen Mary sized limousine which probably costs 8 times my yearly wages just to fill with gas.

Tony took surface streets as I asked. I just wanted to roll along and have a last gander at my beloved city. And my money.

Once again, I spotted this place called Lost Vegas - I noticed on my last trip - and made another (useless) mental note that I need - desperately need - to go there... https://lostvegas.vpweb.com/About-Us.html

Next trip... must remember. Must... Oooh look, shiny thing! Now what was it I was supposed to remember... zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

At the airport, we did the Security Trouser Dance - it's so demeaning but, in case the authorities are reading, I feel extremely safe and protected, and they are doing a fine, fine job. I especially love walking along in my sweaty, stinky, sock feet on the same stretch of greasy carpet that only a mere 40 million visitors per year and their sweaty, stinky, fungal, athlete's foot ridden, bed bug infested feet have also walked along. It makes me feel so close to them, and I wonder what foreign microbes I now carry in my shoes, all the way to My Front Room, Flusherville, Canada.

That done, we hit some airport machines. We've had ridiculous luck at McCarran, but unfortunately, mine was pretty typical of this trip. I dropped $20 in some high-ass deuces game, then some low pay bonus game, then I tried this Wheel of Fortune machine. And hey, wouldn't you know it, I actually won something!

I celebrated by leaving another one of my business cards in the machine.

(What's really cool, one of my very savvy readers, who was in Vegas at the same time, and who was following the blog while in Vegas, actually found the card and left a comment about it. What are the odds that someone reading along, while in Vegas, would stumble across that machine? Probably about the same odds as me not getting a Royal Flush in over 2 weeks of button-scorching video poker action.)

All in all, I had a winning session at the airport - up $30. On the day, I lost another hundy, and Mrs. Flusher lost ten bucks.

I did a final tally, and this is kind of weird.

At the end of Thursday, I was down (gulp) $2535 on the trip. Friday I lost $465 and Saturday I managed to lose $100. Go ahead and add them up and it comes to exactly three large. $3K. Three thousand dollars. Holy shit, I think I'm gonna hurl.

This is the single biggest loss either of us have ever suffered ever ever ever in 40 trips. Granted it was a long trip but sheesh.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Flusher ended up with a win of $355 which is absolutely ridiculous considering how much she played over 16 days. And because she didn't end up with more, I think there's a good chance she can get the tax withheld on her $3000 Royal back. So that might bring back another $900.

Now let's have some math fun.

Our combined loss was $2645 over 16 days (14 for me because of the Grey Cup trip). I've seen some of the printouts that that Norbert carries around on his alligator skin clipboard, that snivelling (do we still have yuppies?) yuppie. And I've picked up some of the lingo from looking at that while he is jabbering to me over his snooty up in the air fuck you nose. Because I never listen to a word he says.

But I have learned about some things, as I say, from reading this stuff.

We can spin this shit so it looks good, I just know it. We were in Vegas for (ahem) 30 person-days. Our average loss per person-day was $88. Is this a reasonable amount to keep someone entertained while on vacation? Well, I think so, but it gets better.

Let's say Mrs. Flusher gets her $900 Uncle Sam finger-up-your-hoo-haa tax hit back. That would cut our combined loss to a measly (gulp) $1745. And, pro-rated (I have a hard time not saying that with a German accent, I've heard Norbert spout it off so often), pro-rated, that's a very reasonable dollar-loss-cost-average of $58.16 per person-day of balls out gambling fun. Not. Too. Shabby.

But I'm not done there! It's comp time, oh hell ya.

See, we didn't pay for a single night of hotel accomodation on this trip, and we also got tons of FREE MEAT, free meals, and free play. I calculate the benefit of the free hotel nights very conservatively indeed, valuing them at what I would pay, not what they would cost in some other city. If I were to go to some major city for 16 nights, I could easily pay $100 to $150 a night on average. Anyway, I figure the rooms at about $40 per, because if I was paying, and they were any more, I would just stay somewhere else, where I could get a $30 to $40 rate, maybe even lower.

Shout out to Dewey who is an absolute expert at this and gets his nightly average down to fifteen bucks or so.

Anyhoo...

Adding up everything we got for free, our comps add up to $1900.

I'd like to say that since our loss was $2645, our trip only cost $700 and change.

But somehow there is three grand missing from my wallet. Norbert's stupid number games only take you so far.

And that's it, the fortieth trip to Vegas, in the books. Thanks for reading along!

(And a shout-out to Creemore, ON who is also reading along.)

R.F.




Monday, December 5, 2011

Who really cares?

Our last day here in Las Vegas. Goddammit. Last days in Vegas are worse than a root canal, tax return day, and your own death put together.

I'm so far behind, I need a miracle to get even. Like a dollar Royal. or Aces with kicker on the Dollar machine. Twice.

Don't get me wrong, it's been a fantastic trip. I've had more fun than... ever. I've crossed a lot of things off my bucket list, such as getting into a long blackjack session, getting in on a hot craps roll.

One I've missed is getting on a long dollar video poker session, getting on a roll the way you do sometimes with quarters, where you can play for an hour on a $20 bill.

Breakfast 2-4-1 at the Cafe Cortez with the same cute Latina waitress we had last time. I tell the waitress that Mrs. Flusher can't eat until her Keno ticket wins enough to cover the meal. I have 2 eggs any style, Breakfast Potatoes, sausages, sourdough toast, Mrs. F. has 2 eggs any style and corned beef hash.

The waitress comes by and checks how everything is. I'm down to one sausage, which I hold up. I tell her, "Everything is great, except for this one sausage."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's lonely. A sausage is never really loved until it is cut into pieces, chewed up, and swallowed." I wanted to say 'masticated' but she wasn't pretty enough for that joke.

Mrs. Flusher hits a few numbers on Keno. $4. I looked at her and smile like the Grinch.

"Ask me who's your Keno Daddy."

She replies, "Ask me how you're going to die today."

Mrs. F is no fun, so I catch the waitress' (Daysi!) attention and tell her "I have a strawberry jam emergency here."

She fixes it right away, delivering an emergency holder full of jams and jellies that is designed to be airlifted onto your very breakfast table. It's stainless steel and has one flaw - if you are vigorous getting a jam out, they all tip onto their sides inside their little stainless steel jam prison.

One day I'm going to design a better restaurant jam and jelly delivery system and slowly get rich off the royalties I make when I license it to Sysco or some other restaurant equipment supplier with deep pockets.

We hit the VP and as usual, Mrs. Flusher hits 3 quick quads while I hit bupkus. We try the alcove, which we now refer to as the 'dollar cave' and my goodness me, I'm on the board with 4 fives for $125. The Quad Queen becomes the Straight Flush Queen and gets same, just to show me up.

I decide to take it easy today and try not to lose too much money. I'm sickenly in the hole and I realize today is my last chance at a Royal this trip. Mrs. F. heads off to the Fitz to cash in a $30 ticket we forgot about (drunk) and I head up to the room to blog. Is blog a verb? As long as my spend is a noun, it is.

I head back down and we gamble some. The dipstick reads Mrs. F $-45, me $-65. Nobody is going to get hurt today. Are they?

The Parlour bar at the El Cortez has some good music on and we play 50 cent Video Poker. And the Quad Queen hits for $100, then $200, while I struggle, as usual. I lose $80 there and win about 3 double vodkas.

Well oiled, we hit the 25 cent roulette, where we can't win to save our lives, and I delight in waiting for the dealer to gracefully wave her pale hand, manicured and painted nails, across the layout to signify the end of the betting window, whereupon I bellow at full gale, "I SAY NO MORE BETS!!!!!!!!!!"

We have a laugh or two and a few more drinks and ultimately roulette sweeps away all our 25 cent chips.

I pass some down and out oldster on the way into the Men's room and he says, "Why do you walk so much fast than me?"

I shoot over my shoulder, "Because I'm stupider than you."

He seems to like this. He snickers, then laughs, then coughs up some tubercular phlegm.

In spite of there being 18 consecutive urinals available, this old timer breaks protocol and hoses out right next to me. I whiz. He whizzes.

And then he mutters.

"Mutter.. mutter... bankroll. Mutter. Mutter. How am I down so much?... Mutter..... WHO REALLY CARES???"

I'm pushing now, like trying to give birth I imagine, trying to squeeze a quart of whiz out a straw as quickly as humanly possible. It still takes time.

"WHO REALLY CARES??? HUH???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", he bellows again.

I finish, waggle, and zip. And I answer him in the only way I, Royal Flusher, of the Royal Flusher Way, know how.

I screw up my courage, and I look him in the eye, okay eyes, and I answer him truthfully and honestly.

"Santa. Santa Claus cares. That's who."

Thank goodness I've washed my hands before heading to the urinal, cause I'm outta there with only a little El Cortez whizorium splashback upon me. And I'm safe from the demented killer tubercular rubby. It's worth it.

We play around some more, staying in the ElCo pretty much. Take some time to pack. Head back down for 2-4-1 meat. Prime rib for her, the "Mr. Porterhouse" for me. My steak has a moniker, maybe it has a mailing address too. It's certainly big enough for one. It's all pretty tasty but I'm at odds. I'm staring a terrible trip (financially) in the face, there seems to be no way out.

I decide to try some blackjack. I sit ready to buy in for $100, but don't want to interrupt the shoe (only 2 decks) and witness the most amazing comeback. A guy is sitting at first base with about $35 in chips. He pushes them into the betting circle and is dealt a pair of sixes. He needs to split them.

So the guy digs in his wallet and fishes out $40. Splits the sixes. He gets a five on the first hand and another six on the other. So he's gotta double down on the first hand, and split the second hand again. A hundy comes out and the chips hit the felt. He draws a stiff on the eleven, a stiff on the second hand, and a four on the third six. Holy shit he's got to double down again. More cash comes out and he's got three hands loaded up with about $70 or $80 each on them.

Dealer busts and the guy wins them all.

He plays another hand for $100 and wins it, gets a black chip. Some other guy sidles up to the table, counting out some money. I'm just sitting back keeping my mouth shut, keeping my hundy under the table. No way am I interrupting this guy's shoe. The other new guy makes a move and the first guy turns to him and says, "Dude, stay out of this shoe, just be patient. Don't make me have to hurt you."

The guy wins the hand and he's got two black chips. Bets them both. Wow.

Guess what? Eleven against a dealer's stiff. He's got to double again. He has to push out all his chips pretty much. About $400 on this one hand now.

And the guy wins it. He plays with his chips a bit, figuring some stuff out. Puts out $125. Loses that one. Counts it again.

Puts out $200. Oh my Gawd he's got to split AGAIN. He's got $400 on the table again and wins both hands. Holy shit.

The shoe ends and the guy finally colors up and leaves and he's got about $900 in chips, from $35 and a bit of cash. Nicely played, sir.

I buy in but there's no way I'm going to win that kind of dough. I don't have the luck, and I don't have the balls to throw $200 into the betting circle. Not yet, anyway.

My blackjack session goes up a bit. Down a bit. Up to about $145. Then plummet down. Down. Down. Until I have $35 left. I wonder if this is prophetic. $35, same has Mr. Split Double Double. No, it isn't prophetic, it's just pathetic. One of my worst blackjack sessions ever.

And then I head to the craps table. I decide to put $5 on the pass line and all of the rest in odds. I've never taken more than $10 or $15 in odds before but I'm looking to lay $30 down, if only to get it all over with.

The table is almost empty and the shooter is rolling numbers. I decide not to wait until he ends the hand and lay $5 on the Come. Next roll... Yo-leven. Nothing for the shooter, but a winner for me. $5 into my rack. I leave the other red in the Come. Next roll... eight. Good point.

My red chip moves to the eight and I flip a green out for odds. A couple of rolls later eight hits. Nice. I collect some dough and lay another $5 chip on the Come. Shooter sevens out, but I win $5.

The dice move to me and Mrs. Cooler, I mean Mrs. Flusher shows up. Most times when she arrives at the craps table, I lose. But not this time. This time she gets to witness a bit of Flusher history.

I take the dice and shoot a seven. Winner, 7, $5 for me. Rack it.

Shoot again, point is ten. I put only $10 in odds down, and put a come bet out there. Come goes to 9, and I put $25 in odds on it But it's got to be an even amount, so I put another $5 on. I hit the nine. Nice.

And I hit the ten. Love that two to one on the odds. I'm hot now, rolling numbers like crazy. I make a couple more pass line bets, and two or three more Come bets hit. I'm making two way hard eight bets to keep the dealers in the action and they keep me from a couple of mistakes, like missing odds on a Come bet.

This is the best roll I've ever, ever shot at craps.

It's not that long, but I suck at shooting the dice. When I seven out I've got $160 in my rack and about $55 out on the felt. I'll take it. I color up and get out, exhilarated.

We do more gambling and I lose lose lose. It's happening again. Do some more stuff in the room, have Keno tickets and watch the numbers miss on the TV. Think about going back to the Size 7 grommet line back in Flusherville. Back to work, back to reality.

Mrs. Flusher crashes and I say, "I think I'm going to give it one more shot. Try to get a Royal."

So she supports me and wishes me luck.

I head down, slip $100 into Double Double Bonus. Oh my God it goes fast. I don't even get my drink until I've sat, no credits, for 5 minutes. I play another $20. Four hands. No wins of any kind. Gone.

Drink my drink, think, well, I'm only going to be here in Vegas for a little while longer. The only thing that is going to save my trip is a Royal Flush on Dollars. It's possible. It's always possible, if there's action.

Head over to the dollar Bonus Poker machine we like in the Dollar Cave. It's 12:15 in the morning. I slip the hundred in and start to play. And the credits start to go up. Not down. Up. As in winning. As in not losing.

I get on a bit of a roll and I go up to $170. Hover around there for a while, then drop down a bit. Then work up to $175. Then $185. Then I'm up to $220, which is what I put in since I came down. Order a double Absolut on the rocks. Play more. Order another. I'm on a roll. I'm playing. And I'm playing. Hand after hand after hand on dollars. The flushes are keeping me alive, I have insane luck on them hitting the first 7 out of 8 four-to-a-flush draws. Each draw is a 9/47 chance and I hit 7 out of 8. Then I'm up to 11 flushes out of 13 tries. It's insane, impossible.

I've played for an hour. Order another drink. Wow. The machine is playing like it loves me and I feel like something could happen.

I work my way along, and the machine plays more normally, that is, losing, and I'm down to $40. "Well," I think, "It's been a good trip." It's funny that I've had no quads after the number of hands I've played.

I take a sip of Absolut - they are served in those low rock glasses, three slivers of ice and the rest vodka, and the waitress has the nerve to say she is having trouble getting me doubles!!!! Anyway, I take a sip, and through the glass I see... a lot of 9s.

Nice dealt dollar quad.
A dealt quad, four beautiful nines, and I'm back on the streak.

So I ponder how this will end, what I should do. Should I take some profit at some time? Should I play it to the bitter end no matter what, trying for that Royal? I play on and haven't decided. Maybe I will tire out, that's a possibility. Get tired? On my last night? Quit??? No fucking way. I play on.

It's been an hour and 45 minutes, all on this one $100 bill. I've played a hundy through in 3 minutes before on this very machine. It's astounding.

I get up to $200, then slip downwards. To $100. Back where I started. Up to $135. I haven't mentioned how many straights flush draws I've had on this trip but it must be 25. I've hit only one. And the machine takes pity on me and hands me one, for free, out of the gate. A dealt straight flush for $250. Holy crap!


Now I feel like I could win some serious dough. Because I haven't even got an 'earned' quad on this machine yet, surely it will let me make one. Fours for $200, or maybe Aces for $400. And, I'm dealt three Aces. I hold my breath and hit Draw. Not there. Damn.

Play on.

I play up to $385 in the machine and hit yet another flush. The machine won't count credits past $400 and it dumps the coins into the tray. This is when you know you are beating a machine. I'm invincible. I play on.

I feel like I am so close to the Royal Flush I need. One hand away from $4000. And I get four of the five Royal cards... This is it... I draw...


No.

And it starts to drop. I think, "I'll just get it to $400 and cash out, I am exhausted, this has been a good try, good enough." Deadly mistake. You never, ever make those goals.

I end up at $350. It will come back. Not to worry. This machine loves me.

At $300.

And in about 3 minutes I'm at $100. Holy shit. What have I done?

Well, my decision is made, I'm going to make every last try. I'm going to go down fighting. And before long, I'm at zero. I look in the tray and there's some coins in there. I play them. I have one last hint of hope and then the last five coins go into the machine like a death rattle. I'm beat and I know it and I have to come on here and write about it, I can't even just slink away quietly and cry in the closet of my room at the El Cortez, because the El Cortez doesn't have fucking closets in their weird old rooms.

I'm done. It's 2:30 in the morning. I've played through $4,400 some odd dollars from one $100 bill. That's almost 900 hands of Video Poker.

A valiant try and another thing off my bucket list - getting on a run on dollars. I reflect that it takes 40,000 hands on average to get a royal. I've had a little over a 2% chance of getting one. One in fifty.



My fingers ache, I'm hammered, my eyes burn. I stagger up to the room, happy and sad. I've lost $450 today. I have El Cortez piss on my hands. Had a one in fifty chance to get that dollar Royal and save the trip. And even if I am sad, there's one thing I know for certain.

Santa cares.

It was worth it.




Sunday, December 4, 2011

Nunsense

I was pretty sure we'd gotten mailers with free play at the Four Queens, but there was none on our accounts for December. We get a mailer every month, but somehow, nothing was there. This is a big disappointment to someone who has lost the price of three root canals in the last two weeks. And believe me, it's just as painful.

As solace, I tried, for the 185th time this trip, the 'once a day' Four Queens 'free pull' which is actually the Four Queens 'free button press'. The idea is that if you get dealt four queens, you get a keychain, or a foot massage from Gordon Ramsay or something. It's not actually impossible to win - both of us, in regular video poker play, have received a hand dealt of four queens, and a foot massage by Gordon Ramsay.

My carefully composed shot of the Four Queens free pull on the VP machine.
In the 'mental rationalization' process, I realize that 14 days of heavy play, without a Royal or two, is going to result in a loss. Especially when you aren't getting the quads. I realize now that it is complete folly to even go to Vegas and gamble. Utter stupidity.

So am I going to stop going? Yes. Until the next trip.

We checked for messages from the Left B-Hind Kennels and sure enough, Mazie had phoned the house with an update. Chippy, our Chihuahua / Great Dane mix is doing just fine, and has made friends with a couple of border collies. Apparently they are best friends and have been playing all day long. I am wondering if Chippy will even want to come home. But we sure do miss her.

The National Rodeo Finals are in town and Fremont street is all 'countrified' and is filled with lanky guys in cowboy hats who all sound exactly like Sam Sheppard. I bet those guys get more tail than Cigar.
'Method' Actor Sam Sheppard.
We watched the mechanical bull ride they'd set up for a while, which looked like as much fun as jumping out the door of a moving bus. They charge $7 for this privilege, but in my mind, they should be paying the riders.


Mrs. Flusher posed for a private picture hugging a huge inflatable bottle of Crown Royal, and we headed over to the Fremont for some Pick'em and other assorted VP on those machines by the Keno lounge. We were using our cards, so we got to skip the 'Hot Player' routine for once.

By now, I was pretty down, just desperate for something to happen.

"Mrs. Flusher," I said, "I'm pretty down, and just desperate for something to happen. I mean... where's the magic? The win out of the blue? The unexpected long shot surprise event???"

I had a feeling that something good had to happen, because the last week of my trip was pretty much dog crap on a cracker (with apologies to Chippy). Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm really complaining. Dog crap on a cracker actually looks what would probably be a delicacy, given the right culture and circumstances.

The Fremont Four of a Kind Queen, of course, hit a quad first, but I countered with a $50 beauty of my own and 3 hands later, another for $31. I was starting to feel the inklings of hope, like maybe I was on a hot streak. I felt very inkled indeed. And I inkled my way forward, playing like the desert wind.

I switched to the super volatile Super Double Double Bonus and about 1 minute later pinned this lovely little number to the bulletin board of my memories. (The pin going through my cerebral cortex hurt quite a bit but for $400, and a chance for a winning day for a change, it was worth it.)

Four Aces - switch from 'solace' cocktails to 'celebrate' cocktails.
We celebrated by (what else) having a few cocktails. Then we headed back to the bar at the Four Queens for a couple more. Then we hit the Meat Machines at the Fitz to try to win meat and have a couple more. And we did win one meat coupon. And had some drinks.

The plan was to do a re-run of the Famous Fitz Fried Chicken, which I like to call 'Dixie Lee, Popeye, and Mary Brown, can all have three-way and smoke the Colonel's white meat, this is the best fried chicken I've ever tasted' fried chicken.

Team Royal Flusher is Everywhere.
We put our order in, grabbed some keno tickets, and then I have to admit, I was pretty looped and started seeing things. I thought I ran into a bunch of Nuns getting their gamble on in the slot aisles of smoky, noisy Fitzgerald's.

Welcome to Fabulous Nun Vegas!

Even the Nuns appreciate an imperial shitload of cash (with which they could do good).
The chicken was good, really good, what I remember of it, and then it was time to play nickels and win a car!

Never mind that the tater looks like a turd. The Chicken is Fabupants.
It was actually pretty fun pounding the nickel machines and trying to hit the 1 in 1 billion trillion shot to win the Corvette. I'm quite sure I was very close more than once. Very close indeed.



Does anybody ever fucking win these cars? The one on display at the Four Queens is (hold your breath!) a 2007 Foose (whatever that is) Mustang!!! A 2007 was built in 2006, so that thing has been collecting dust, armor-all, and about 50,000 buttloads of nickels for five long years in the interim, and still hasn't been won.*

We stumbled back to the El Cortez to finish our day and guess what?

I had a winning day today!!!! I am plus $145 on the day, thanks to my sweet-ass quad Aces. Now, Mrs. Flusher on the other hand, somehow, somewhere, lost (ahem) eight hundred and fifteen dollars and 17 cents. That's $815.17 for the illiterazzi.

She's still up on the trip though, about 500 beans, and my ass is getting as red and bright as Rudolph's nose from the Vegas-style reaming I've been taking this trip. Still, a win is a win, and I went to bed (somewhat) happy with my results, and (incredibly) ecstatic at the amazingly fun day we had.

Our private $18M El Cortez entrance. No one else is allowed to use it.
*The Four Queens 2007 Foose Mustang slot machine jackpot car was awarded in February, 2013. See Victory Factory.




Saturday, December 3, 2011

Is there a Royal in the house?

I am really worried that I am not going to get a Royal Flush this trip. It's been a long trip, with a lot of hours at the machine, and we really should have more than one between us.

So let's do some math to make me feel better.

Over about 30 days combined play, make that, conservatively, 5 hours per day at 500 hands per hour. That's 2,500 hands per day times 30 days, which is 75,000 hands of video poker. I think this is a low estimate, but anyway...

Royal Flushes occur about once ever 40,000 hands, so we really should have had two of them by now. Unfortunately, statistics mislead 38% of the time, over the long run. And, say, 9% of statistics are made up on the spot.

For a trip of this length, it's not unreasonable that we should have had 3 Royals by now. And this would account for a lot of the ass-reaming losses I am pretty much responsible for.

But let's look at another angle here. We've had 14 room nights so far, all comped, and most of our meals comped as well. Add in a significant amount of freeplay. I've kept track, and so far it totals around $1800. Really.

So this means that instead of me sustaining a gambling loss of some $2,600, I'm really only down $800. Over 14 days in Vegas, that's very, very savvy gambling on my part.

And maybe the fact that it has been raining in Vegas is a sign of some sort of cleansing of bad luck. Maybe.



And with this thought, a spring in my step, and some very savvy moves on Mrs. Flusher before heading down for breakfast, we started a new day in the El Cortez. I've been saying 'the El Cortez' but I suspect when translated, this means 'the the Cortez', or more specifically, 'the the house of Cortez ass reaming'.

I'm getting to like the Cafe Cortez a bit, with its not bad food, and soft porn music soundtrack.

Breakfast was yummy indeed and featured their special 'breakfast potatoes'. I am impressed that they are able to separate the breakfast potatoes out from the lunch and dinner potatoes, because one spud looks like another, if you ask me.

Mrs. Flusher had corned beef hash. I do not know if it was made with breakfast, lunch, dinner, or afternoon tea potatoes. Most likely breakfast potatoes but who's to know?

You may have noticed I have had very few quads lately - and I am officially in a 'quad drought'. I am hoping for a bailout package. Fortunately, the day for me did start with a nice little $50 set of deuces on Bonus Poker, so I had the ice broken early in the quad department.

Quads make days. Royals make trips.

You want a winning day, you need quads. You want a winning trip, you need Royals Flush.

One of the short-pay progressives was up to $860 on the Aces with kicker (from the usual $500 starting point) so we gave that a shot, but no luck there.

By the time we decided to go on casino walkabout, later in the morning, I was down only $20 on the day, and  Mrs. F. $300. What the heck??

Our destination was Main Street Station where we wanted to play one last time, get scratch cards, and hopefully win some dough. We also had some business at the cage - the test marker I drew last spring was not able to be withdrawn from my account due to routing errors, and we wanted to clear this up.

It looks like things are really going on at the Lady Luck, which is going to become the Downtown Grand. I guess I can deal with that, never having stepped foot into the L.L. when open. I was hoping it would reopen someday, but I guess it won't really be the same old girl as before.





Some of the windows were out - on purpose, I presume. And there was some activity going on around there, but still no signs of heavy duty construction - there was not enough in the way of vehicles or people to suggest large crews hard at work on my next gambling conquest.

At the Cal we played a few things, me being very conservative. I lost 20 here, won 20 there, that kind of thing. Mrs. Flusher dropped a hundy on the 50 cent BP machines where she hit the Royal last week and I made a bit at blackjack.

At MSS I repeated the deuces quad for $50 and a scratch card ($2). After that things got quiet for me and I resorted to a slot longshot for some dough. Mrs. Flusher hit up the triple play and managed a couple of quads, but generally, the days of 31 quads in a single 24 hour period seem to have fled us.

$50 slot win
For some reason, Mrs. F decided to try the last of her high stakes play (which has been pretty much an unmitigated high stakes ass reaming disaster) on $2 video poker - $10 a hand. It went up a bit, and then down a lot, right to zero.

The best part of the foray to MSS was seeing the cocktail waitresses in western garb, confirming that 'Hot Towels' is still there (the waitress whose whinny of 'cocktails' sounds like 'hot towels' as noted by other esteemed Vegas travellers and writers.)

And... by getting a couple of thousand points at least, we qualified for lucky stuffed toys emblazoned with Pepsi logos. I'm sure these are destined for little hands to indoctrinate them into the consumption of Pepsi - but really, what does it matter, with Pepsi's manifest destiny push into every place that I want to go and can no longer choose a fucking Coca Cola??? By the time those little soda drinkers grow up, you won't be able to get anything but Pepsi anyway.

Dispensing the indoctrinating corporate logo toys.
On our loop back, we stopped at Binions and tried the Double Double there. I lost $20, but Mrs. F hit a quad for $62 and kept it. I did the swipe and wipe promotion and got $10 freeplay, which I promptly dumped back into the machines.

No accounting for Love at Binions.
Maybe we'd have more luck at the Four Queens, where we needed to say so long to Mike and Mike and the crew, and Fremont, our next stop after that.

Peewee and Elvis in da house.
So off we went.




Friday, December 2, 2011

Gambling Gourmet

They have a great (depending on your definition of the word 'great') service here at the El Cortez El Casino and El Hotel called the 'Gambling Gourmet'.

This is 'slot-side' dining so that you can you can eat a meal without leaving your greasy, oily, stained machine.

I started off my morning at the $500 Deuces machine again and two seats over, this little old Chinese woman had her own version of the Gambling Gourmet, done on the cheap.

Do-it-yourself Gambling Gourmet
She declined the opportunity to be photographed for this blog and to be made quasi-famous on www.royalflushervegas.com but I did get a shot of her sausage.

Having mastered the Gambling Gourmet, soon, the El Cortez will announce the next revolution in game-side service - the Slotty Potty(TM), for when you are on a hot streak and just can't leave the machine. Slotty Potty will include 3-way Privacy Screens and a patent pending 'double down' bonus feature.

We played for an hour and a half or so and I was down 20 bucks while Mrs. F was down 200 bucks.

An unusual start to the day indeed.

She decided to play her points off as free play and got a quad out of it - it always feels good to Stick it to The Man on free play.

I had breakfast alone at the coffee shop - a serviceable waffle, the holes of which I managed to fill with butter and syrup. I added four sausages, and coffee, and went on my way.

Mrs. Flusher dined elegantly on left over chicken fried rice, from the feast we'd had the night before, and stored on ice overnight. She knows how to live 'high on the hog'.

Dinner was quite good - the fajitas at the Cafe Cortez are very reasonable and inexpensive at around $8. Two could share them easily.

We tried some Bonus Deluxe and Double Double and more money dumped out of our pockets into the greedy coffers of the cash-hungry El Cortez. I want to get the word 'maw' in there too but I'm not sure if coffers and maws are related or not.

At the lobby bar, which has some nice flatscreens on them, Mrs. F had worked up on her 'press it' technique to dollars and hit quad Aces for $400.

RF: Seven years later, I notice that this is not a bartop. It's still goddamn pretty.
We were quite excited because if you get a hit over $300 on video poker at the ElCo, you get to draw an envelope for free play, which is usually $10.

Some know-it-all down the bar had some things to say about it all like '$400 is nothing in Las Vegas, blah blah blah...'

I was continuing on my brutal losing streak and had no patience for his brand, or any other brand, of bullshit. Not even 'no-name' bullshit. I pretty much told him to shut up and deal.

Vengeance was mine when he cashed out and left, and I spied something flutter to the ground, unnoticed, under his stool. As he headed out the door, I nipped over and grabbed it - a dollar bill. I gave it to the bartender that he'd stiffed.

Mrs. Flusher's free play turned out to be $20, and at 2:45pm in the day, she was up $600 and pounding the VP hard, and I was down $400 and feeling pretty miserable.

I'd played about 4 hours and had no quads at all - and that is expensive.

Meanwhile, the quad queen was hot. She hit something for $62 then switched machines and hit again for another $62 quad on the first hand. Three hands later she hits ANOTHER quad for $62.

I had to take a break and was just returning to the casino - and if you've read this blog faithfully, you know that as soon as I leave, the Quaderina wins something. I was on the phone with her to find out where she was and she says, "I got four aces."

I say, "Oh that's nice. When?"

She says, "Just now. While talking to you."

Seems she got really fancy-pants and uppity and tried out a high volatility, high premium quad dollar machine - and first hand out, she hit this:



Much as I enjoy seeing her win, I have to admit, I was somewhat jealous. Because I was basically spending my day taking money and setting it on fire.

So what do you do when you are down a couple grand on the trip and another $400 on the day?

You write this blog, and play 40 cent a game Keno in your room. First you buy the Keno ticket, then you get a drink or two at the bar to go, and you pick up the miniatures that (bizarrely) come with your room offer, and get set up with the Keno channel on the TV, and turn the TV so you can see it from the desk, in the mirror.

You mark the spots on your ticket so that you can quickly confirm that you haven't won a goddamned thing. And you get drunk, and write your blog.

At least, that's what I did.


Tracking the keno numbers like a boss.
Mrs. Flusher wasn't done. She was still hitting them, and when I rejoined her in the casino, she was really showing off.

She held a single Ace, and then drew four deuces, the Ace acting as kicker to bump the hand from $100 to $200. What a marvellette!

Seriously?
And at 6:10pm, I got the first quad of my absolutely horrible day. The only thing remarkable about it, other than the fact that it was raining in Vegas, was the length and depth of the ass reaming I was taking.

We did the buffet at the Fremont with a 2-4-1 coupon and hit the Pick'em (where Hot Players play).

And sure enough, some suit came over after 5 minutes, took one look at Mrs. F, and said into his talkie walkie 'good call, you were right. Coming back.'

They are getting to know Hot Player Mrs. Pick'em quite well.


And she did hit a quad on Pick'Em (have I mentioned that I haven't hit one on Pick'Em all trip???) for $150, just for laffs.

I gave up on the machines and played an hour and a half of blackjack and lost my final $60.

The final tally for the day was not good for me at all. Another big loss - $600 - and now I'm down $2675 on the trip. This is the biggest single loss ever, ever, ever for either of us, or even us combined.

Mrs. Flusher finished up $800 on the day - astounding. Combined we're at a $1300 loss for the trip.

I'm starting to play the 'but look at all the comps we got' game to try to fudge the numbers and make myself feel better.

And even worse, there's only a couple of days left on the trip... and me, Mr. big-shot with the business cards Royal Flusher... Mr. getter-of-the-Royals-Flush... has nought.