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Saturday, June 30, 2012

End of a trip, end of an era, but Vegas Revenge?

It's weird when you play your last session at the casino in Vegas and it ends with a bunch of shitty hands that don't win anything. Especially the last shitty hand.

Hold a pair of 2s... draw... nothing.

It sits there. Credits 0. Card reader still says 'Good Luck'. You know the limo is 10 minutes away, and it's time to start the trek home on the red-eye.

So we did all that, got the bags, got the limo, rode to the airport, pretty happy with the trip actually. It is going to be nigh impossible to top the Royals count we got on this one.

We were on one of the last flights out of the 50-year-old, moldy but lovable Terminal 2. I am going to miss this place because it is so easy to get in and out of. Security has never been more than 5 minutes.

But with a brand new International terminal opening the very next day, we are on one of the last flights ever to leave from this terminal.

So we did our various duties, checked in, paid Air Canada their goddamned luggage ransom, went through security.

Saw an extremely attractive young woman wearing snug lycra clothing from top to bottom, and built like a Gent model, asking a TON of questions about the 'show me your balls' scanners. I think maybe she was thinking if you could see her fiddly bits through her outfit, it would be dead obvious the only things she had on her were a couple of piercings.

Anyway, she opted for the pat-down, which was done just beside where I found myself putting on my stinky Vegas 108F casino shoes.

I have to admit, I felt sorry for her. She was getting fondled and rubbed up down and sideways. Ass, legs, inner thighs, sides of her boobs. I either wanted to yell at the TSA or become one.

All day long I knew I was about $800 down on the trip, and it would take some finagling to get even again. I actually went up about $300 but lost it back... the whole time I was thinking it would take a premium hand, such as the four Aces with kicker that has eluded me the last 2-3 trips, or another Royal, which was crazy thinking. Or maybe, a longshot very lucky run.

None of those things happened, although I was dealt 'almost' hands a bunch of times on dollars including 4 to a Royal. That would have knocked this trip out of the park, had I gotten it.

Some of the slots were already ripped out of lonely Terminal 2, and the shelves of the rip-off gift shops were half-empty, with stuff marked down.

But my 'lucky' video poker machine, the one I hit a quad on last trip, was still there.

And of course, we decided to sit down and play.

I slipped a twenty into the machine, wondering how much I would go down on the trip.

"I really need a Royal here, or Aces with kicker or something..." I muttered.

Pressed 'Bet Max' and the first hand came up...

Four to a Royal.

Of course, this would be the story-book ending to this trip. Alas... somehow I fumbled. No desperately needed Jack of Spades for me.


We were playing Triple Bonus Poker Plus, which has a sort of hybrid value for the quads. The Aces are $300 straight up, no kicker involved. 2s,3s,4s are $150, no kickers involved.

I was talking non-stop all day about how much I wanted those goddamned Aces.

Well guess what? Held two of 'em (like I have done 150 times this trip) and...

Oh-fuck-yeah-redemption at the airport.
Finally, finally hit the Aces, no kicker this time for this game, and I'm instantly up $300 on the day.

I played a bit longer, hoping for a bit more lightning to strike but cashed out at $320, preserving the win for the day and shaving my trip losses significantly.

Mrs. Flusher nailed a quad of her own and I guess this will be the last picture from this Royal-filled trip.


The breakdown

Well, we kicked some Vegas ass.

We both flew free to Vegas and back, on points. (I paid $900 last trip, which was way too fucking much, but I'm a degenerate, see? Ouch.)

Mrs. Flusher was there about 16 days. I was there 9 days and a night.

I am up $300 on the day (in which I played about 8 hours) and am down $500 on the trip.
Mrs. Flusher is down $400 on the day, and is up $2230 on the trip.

Combined, we are up $1730 on the trip.

We played so much, my protuberances are raw. Played a lot of video poker too... ;)

Our coin-in this trip was insane for us. Combined we did $75K at the Four Queens. Mrs. Flusher did an astouding $80K at MSS/Cal/Fremont, and I did about $30K there.

That's almost $200K coin-in. We must be playing more 50 cent and dollars than I thought because that's 160,000 hands of quarter video poker.

Interestingly, Royals are about every 40,000 hands so we could have expected 4 of them if the universe behaved. We probably didn't play that many hands (a lot of higher denom play) so we probably could have reasonably hoped for 3 Royals Flush.

We got 6 Royals Flush between us.

I am not sure we will ever equal that again. (But I'm willing to try.)

Looking at comps, I didn't keep track of them all. I am slightly (slightly) less anal than usual these days. Pretty much, the only meals we paid for were Du-Pars, 2 hotdogs at MGM, and half of the Colonel-can-go-take-a-money-shot-in-the-ear-this-is-the-best-fried-chicken-in-the-galaxy fried chicken.

So let's just say this. $50 a night for the rooms (all comped). And $60 a day for food for the two of us, plus a couple of nicer meals (Hugo's, Redwoody Grille) so tack on another $150.

Mrs. Flusher was in Vegas for a week by herself so call it $30 a day for her meals.

Airfare $1500
Rooms $850 (we had a room for the night we flew out even though we checked out at 9:00pm)
Food $210 + $360 + $150 = $720
We got a bunch of cashback, but just pissed that away gambling. Not sure if I should count it or not.

Bottom line is, we had enough winnings to account for my losses, and all of our hard costs, including tips, admin, limos, and purchases, so this trip was totally, 100% free.

And I value the dollar cost of the trip with comps at: $3070

You can see where I'm going with this...

Not only that, but our offers are going to probably increase with our heavy low-roller play. (I actually asked Jay about this at the slot club booth in the Four Queens - where do we sort of fit with their typical cross-section of players... were we in the top 20%? that sort of thing... he said it is not that often that players have the kind of coin-in we had on this trip.)

So I am thinking we are going to get some sweet offers from the Four Queens with increased freeplay, which is just like cash, and that VIP gluttony book, which I love flashing at anyone who is remotely near me. I am hoping they will offer limo service (which would have about a $120 cash value), and maybe a suite (which I don't care about that much, it's still the Four Queens, right).

Meanwhile at MSS/Cal/Fremont, we'll continue to get invited to tournaments, which I love, and which have a long-term EV of $50 to $100 depending on the prize structure and the number of players. (The only caveat here is that EV = 'expected value', not real value, and to get any real value, you have to actually fucking win something. But sooner or later, if we enter enough of these, we'll win one.)

Gambling win by the numbers, as mentioned, was a combined win of $1730.

Let's look at my last 3 trips... November I pissed away $3000. As far as I am concerned, I have successfully (through the actions of my agent and partner Mrs. Flusher, the Quad Queenus Emeritus) exacted and avenged my Vegas Revenge part 2 on the casino bastards of Fremont Street.

Very Zipperless, and very much the Royal Flusher Way.

And in the last 2 trips, my combined loss is $250 per trip with everything comped. That's a loss of $12.50 a day for:

a) having the most incredible time you can have pushing buttons, looking at cards, throwing dice, and peeing in men's rooms that always have at least 2 homeless guys taking a chili-dump in

b) having free drinks all day long that only cost a dollar a drink, and then you inevitably forget it somewhere and have to get a new one

c) getting to write down all the shenanigans and goings-on and sharing it with the world (or at least the ~500 people who religiously read these trip reports.)

I like sharing, and I like the ego-boost that my stats meter gives me when I can see that a lot of people are following along.

I hope you won't wait until the next trip to check in on me - I like to post stupid stuff about life outside of Vegas, and maybe you will be able to at least laugh at me, if not with me.

Hey, if Kenny Blankenship loses another part of his extremities in some bizarre fashion, or Jimmy Poon finally gets his driver's license, wouldn't you want to know about that?

So c'mon back, okay?

I'll probably tweet my twatter and face my book too, so you can always socially network my ass that way. Links are to the right...

(Math Guy, if I fucked up the math YET AGAIN, please let me know!)

Yours very sincerely,

Bonnet de Douche

R.F.
Flusherville, ON





Thursday, June 28, 2012

Vegas Revenge - Part 2 the Sequel 3: Avenged - the Final Conflict -or- Live By Coffee

The mist across the window hides the lines 
But nothing hides the color of the lights that shine
Electricity so fine
Look and dry your eyes  


I woke up and I knew immediately... it was either the last day in Vegas or there was a pole under my blankets.

Perhaps it was both.

Yes, the last day, leading up to the late trip to the airport and the red-eye to Toronto and a 4 hour lay-over in Toronto and the flight to Flusherville - I was staring at some 30 hours of non-stop ass-tivity in the face. As it were.

After the butt-blasting I took yesterday (and let's be clear, sideways, without lube, without mercy, on all fours, whimpering and whining like the gambling dog that I am) I knew I had to have a change of pace or this trip was going in the dumper.

I cleared $250 on the solo trip last month and I was down $700 bucks on this trip. Combined, that's not bad, fairly respectable, really. But another $700 day and there would be no revenge this trip.

I reloaded with just $300 from the safe and headed down to the casino in the California to do battle. I won't deny it - I get all tingly heading down to the casino to do battle. I felt like James Bond when he says "Suivi."

In fact, sometimes I go around saying suivi inappropriately at various times, such as when pushing a bet out in blackjack.

Don't you get that? That little buzz?

The elevator dings down past the floors, you have your money in your pocket, nobody knows who you are, or how much you have, or how much you have or haven't won. It is all up to you.

You know what you are about, and you have girded your loins and determined your plan to win money from what is arguably the Lion's Den. The elevator doors open and the sounds and stale smoke smell of the casino rush at you headlong, drawing you in.

You pause a moment, letting the rush take hold - but not overpowering you - and then, then and only then, you move. You move forward into the now closing elevator doors, banging your forehead and drawing stares. You try to look confident and mysterious as you turn bright red.

And with that I headed to... the escalator. To the mezzanine. To Lappert's to get some latte going.

"One latte," I said.

The cutie behind the counter said, "I'm sorry, there's no espresso or latte's today."

"There were none yesterday, is the machine still broken?"

"I have coffee, would you like coffee instead? Sorry about the machine."

"How - HOW - am I going to live without my latte????" I scowled.

"You could live by coffee..."

And so it was, I headed to the machines - again - this time with my dishwater Lappert's coffee. Not a good start.

I was determined to take it easy, bet quarters only, protect my bankroll, stay on Bonus Poker, and off the high-volatility high-payback stuff. Give up machines that don't pay.

I played a $20. Lost. Changed machines.

Mrs. Flusher, who had joined me, hit a quad right away. $32.

I lost another $20. Changed machines.

Mrs. Flusher, hit another quad right away. 2s. $50.

Was I having Deja Lose?

I switched machines again. Now I was in for $60.

And it wasn't going well.

On a hunch, I switched to Double Double Bonus. You lose twice as fast when you don't get a quad. When you do, you win twice as much, and a lot more on some. Within four hands I hit K K K K for $62.

WOOT.

Played a couple of minutes more and held two Kings... and got K K K K again!!!!

WOOT WOOT.

I decided to cash out and start again with $20. I played quarter Bonus Poker and ramped up the credits. Bumped up the stakes to 50 cents and took it up more. Switched to Double Double and hit...

$200 quad for me! (Where's the kicker?...)
Well I was thrilled. Sometimes I think we have losing days just so that the winning seems that much sweeter.

We played a bit more and I cashed out my profit.

Slipped a $20 in to try some dollar play. Enough for 4 hands, but I managed to last 20 minutes or so. Even was dealt four to a Royal. Yes I was. Boy would THAT have made some good reading.

Just for good measure, while Mrs. Flusher ran up to the room, I snuck $20 out of 'admin' money (usually for expenses) to play on a dollar slot. I was leaving nothing to chance. Don't tell her, okay?

Well, I won $50, and cashed out $40 profit, which I added to my stake. So I'm desperate, sue me.

We strolled over to Du-pars for brunch and as I got into the tight little booth at the very back of the Bay City Diner Du-Pars I stumbled and banged the table and sort of fell over into the booth.

"What happened?" Mrs. Flusher asked.

"I tripped... I guess I tripped on my gut."

Yes, I tripped on my own beer gut. It kind of got caught on the table, hurting me something fierce and putting me off balance.

It was the kind of moment where you realize that what little positive self-image you might have had is as long gone as that of those people on the 'world's worst tattoos' sites like Mr. Cool Ice or the AWSOME guy or the guy with the tattoo in loving memory that turned out really bad with huge huge teeth and a crooked face. Just google 'world's worst tattoos' and see for yourself what my self image was like when I tripped on my own fucking gut.

Even though it was a little late, I qualified for the 'pancake sandwich' special. Mrs. Flusher ordered chicken pot pie. I'd been wary of Du-pars since they were shut down for over 50 'food safety' demerits, but what the hell, they have good pancakes. They are very special. Maybe its because they put a pubic hair into each one, because what I found in mine had the same kinched up texture of (what I imagine to be) a pubic hair.

But you know what, since I had no more self esteem, I cut way the area around where the hair was found, and I chowed down on the rest of that everlovin' pancake.

Du-pars hairless (thank God) chicken pot pie.
The oldsters 'pig out' on cheap shrimp cocktails.
By the way, when I open a restaurant, I am going to be sure to call it something catchy that only 3% of the planet can spell properly. Like Roi-als. Or Flush-erz.

After pulling the pubic hairs from my choppers, I did a quick accounting and found that I was up $300 on the day. Yes, you read it correctly. And Mrs. F. was down $80. I was doing great so far and had turned it around. I probably had enough money to play for the rest of the day and break even. Sweet.

We went on walkabout to visit some casinos and search out some good odds on hockey bets (in honor of Gordie Howe). Well, the Nugget had the best odds we found because Fremont didn't cover hockey yet. (Didn't check the 'Queens).

For good measure, the Quad Queen hit four Queens... at the Nugget. When we headed to Fremont for some Pick'em and Super Double Double Fucker Bonus, she hit another for $62. Have you noticed I wasn't hitting anything?

I did have a good run on Pick'em, going from $20 to $80 but most of that got played in. We continued walkabout and checked out the D-itz. Sigma Derby was definitely getting installed - unfortunately too late for us to play it.




This canopy is a replica of the original - made specially for the D.


I had a good talk with a floorman about Sigma Derby and the changes coming to the D-itz. What I learned was that the cool semi-'Big Bertha' Universal brand slot with the four reels and progressive that was pinned at $65,000 for the last five years... has been pinned at $65,000 for the last 15 years.

Jimmy Poon from the grommet line at North American Veeblefetzer told me that 8 'bits' can represent up to 256 values (unsigned) and 16 bits can represent up to 65,536 values (unsigned). So I suspect that ole Universal made in Japan slot is using a 16 bit counter for the progressive and topped out at a cool $65,000, which, like the Lion's Share, will never, ever, be won by me.

I love old slot machines and coin op stuff and Vegas history. I'd heard that there was some original pavement - a triangle design, in bright colors - from the Silver Palace casino that was on the site of what is now the Girls from Glitter Gulch and Mermaids. I've looked for it a couple of times on Fremont, and looked for it again this time. Nothing.


We walked down towards the Cal and I noticed a pattern in the sidewalk beside Mermaids. And it had some color to it. I think I found it.


We headed to Main St. Station and I saddled up to the blackjack table while Mrs. F took a flyer on triple play video poker. I played for 2 hours, drank 4 beers, gave about $12 in bets for the dealer (the very interesting and lovely Carol) and took my stake allllll the way down to $6, bet it, and worked it allllll the way back up to $135 before cashing out at $110. A lovely time, good table, good company, and $50 profit.

I promptly dumped that profit into video poker in about 11 minutes. And a hundred more in about 20 more minutes. I jumped from machine to machine, game to game, nothing was working this trip at Main Street Station.

Did I mention that the 'quad queen' dumped $300 at triple play and ran crying back to the room?...

I headed back to the room myself, having screwed up the day's profits and having only $100 profit left. Packed. Whined. Checked flights and stuff.

The Last Supper was at the Cal - my traditional pre-flight P.R.O.B.

(Prime. Rib. Of. Beef.)


Mrs. Flusher and I played a bit more and she headed up to the room while I had the casino all to myself and about $60 in profit left for the day. I reallllly didn't want to have another losing day, or a losing last day.

Well, I tried a few machines, all of them on Double Double, trying for those Aces with kicker that have eluded me for two trips.

I even threw some 'admin' money at that slot and nothing would come of it.

Goddammit.

It was done.

Trip done.

Over.

It was time for me to return to my former life, as a lineman on the size 7 grommet production line at North American Veeblefetzer. Pumping out grommets, nothing more, nothing less. Something nobody cares about, except maybe me, far far away from the magic of Las Vegas.

Time to return to the other side, the every day, Lunchables side. Jimmy Poon and that dickhead boss Norbert.

I walked to the elevator listening to the music playing on the tinny speakers.

Music is important. And if you pay attention, and time things right, you can have your own little movie soundtrack at such moments. Like the time I spilled a frozen Daquiri into my crotch during 'Ice Ice Baby'.

Only this time it was the super-talented Joe Jackson singing, Steppin' Out, one of my all time favorite tunes.

And just as the elevator door closed... closed on my hopes, my dreams, the glitz, the cute cocktail waitress that I tipped five bucks when I got my royal and now she remembers my drink, Absolut on the rocks, the excitement, the highs and lows....

Joe sang, sang, sang...

Get into a car and drive
To the other side 


The limo would soon be waiting. My trip was done and I was a loser. Because of one day, yesterday. And Mrs. Flusher was a big winner. And there was nothing more to be done about it.

Or was there?...

And then I remembered.

There is gambling at the airport.





Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Boy I do Like That Sigma Derby at the D


Another single picture post from my single picture post modern experimental blogging phase.

Pretty soon I will graduate to noses and ears coming out of boobs.




A Thousand Points of Dark

A Thousand Points of Dark
by Bonnet de Douche

I did a lot of different stuff today. I suppose I played a lot. And I played in a lot of different casinos. But the fact of the matter is, almost everything I turned my hand to went to shit.

All these small things are not interrelated, and yet taken together, they represent the worst streak of my entire trip and maybe ever. And of course, it's right at the end, right at the worst moment, when I thought I could preserve a break even and maybe get back to winning status.

Its a thousand points of dark spread throughout 14 or 16 hours that make up a losing streak.

I had one $50 quad at the beginning of the day. Things looked bright. Well, things LIED.

I know the exact moment things went in the shitter - when I played Loose Deuces (which has a $625 prize for the deuces, pretty good for quarters, which neither of us has ever hit) and hit four 4s with kicker for an exciting five dollars (plus $2 scratchcard to really rub my face in the groin of sweaty bad luck's punky crotch.)

Now, the weird part of this is that when one of us is losing, the other one is winning. And that's good.

But when you are on a crash-and-burn day, and its on the back of a previous crash-and-burn day, sometimes it can be hard to take.

And so it was that the Quad Queen decided, whimsically, to turn her hand also to Loose Deuces, and on a redeal was dealt this:

Holy shit Quad Queen!!! ON THE REDEAL!!!
Yep, Loose Deuces for $625. On the redeal. She is soooo amazing!

Economically, I was happy. Relationally I was happy. Emotionally, I thought 'kick me in the pills, why don't you, byotch???'.

Here is a brief summary of some of the things I lost at today.

Video Poker at Main Street Station, California, Fremont, Four Queen's, The D-itz, El Cortez. Keno at California. (Actually, my last-ditch games are now in progress, so maybe there will be a miracle.) Slots at the Cal. The nickel slots in the D-itz lobby. The big old classic dollar four-reeler Universal slot upstairs at the D-itz which used to be near the elevators. Blackjack at the Cal, Four Queens, Golden Nugget, El Cortez.

Let's break it down a different way. I had one paying quad, and one taunting torment quad with kicker on Deuces that isn't worth sweet fuck all.

Mrs. Flusher had about 10 of 'em.

Quad Queen's morning haul of scratch cards.
You get the idea.

So screw this day, screw this report, and screw video poker. Here are some other things from today...

Believe me folks, I tried. I played slowly. I changed machines. I stayed on quarters. It just wasn't happening.

Sigma Derby is DEFINITELY going to be upstairs at the D-itz. I know because I SAW IT. It's THERE!!!!!



What else? The unknown gambler featured below is apparently somewhat monopolizing the Binions million dollar photo display attraction. Perhaps she is working on her smiling lessons. I don't know. But I'm glad she is having just a super time participating in all the thrilling action in Fabulous Downtown Las Vegas, Nevada.






From now on, my Starbucks coffee cup fake name is Bonnet de Douche.
Interesting blackjack bet at the ElCo. (He lost.)
By the numbers... I started with $380. Then added a hundy. Then added a hundy. Then added a hundy.

Royal Flusher minus $680 on the day. (Fuck me gently!) Minus $800 on the trip. (SHIT SHIT SHIT!)
Quad Queen...plus $360 on the day. (Wow!) Plus $2630 on the trip. (Revenge by proxy!)
Trip combined.... plus $1830.

(Note - fixed the Jack Daniels' math on the above statement - thanks math guy.)

I guess I can't really complain.

Besides, I can probably win it all back tomorrow at Sigma Derby!!!

ADDENDUM:

Mrs. F just handed me this - maybe this is all I need for my comeback tomorrow!!!!!!





Monday, June 25, 2012

Sigma Derby Being Installed at The D


Sigma Derby at The D!!!!!!!!

This blurry photo shows in nondescript detail the outline of what may or may not be the coin-op horse racing game in question.




You Gotta Know When They Hold 'Em

With the trip entering the beginning of the start of the latter part of the end, we were kind of in a groove here but still, we knew there are lots of surprises, victories, and defeats still to come.

It was blistering hot, hitting 108F during the heat of the day. It's a searing killer heat (but a dry searing killer heat).

The morning session (with latte) was pretty good for me - I hit four quads including Aces (again on the wrong machine...) for $100.

Mrs. Flusher hit one on dollars, and so it was that after 2 hours play, and me being about even on the day, we went on walkabout.

Pick'em at the Fremont was particularly brutal. I lost $180 in what seemed like no time. We headed to the El Cortez where I cashed in my second $5 certificate for free play. Lost a bit here and there, lost $80 on blackjack, made back $80 on dollar Bonus Deluxe (no quads) saw them filming something in the Parlour bar and talked to Scott the bartender there about this and that.

I gave him a Royal Flusher card, so now he will be able to pour me the premium liquor.

The Joker in Joker Wild creeps me out. I'd kick him out of my house party.
In true Quad Queen fashion, she hit four 5s on Bonus Deluxe for $200 while I continued to lose money.


We headed to the D-itz hoping to see Sigma Derby going in, but no such luck. There is no sign of it.

But there IS a Bone-a-rama going on. (Or is that at Drink and Drag?)



Lunch was the delicious chicken, but again, they fucked with it.

Everything I find and love, they fuck with, whether its the Binions burger or the Colonel can go fuck himself fried chicken. The good news is, they may have improved it in the sense that it is a bit lighter on the batter, and definitely less salty.

The saltiness of the old recipe could make you pucker tighter than a choir boy.

Keno again proved a bust. We've dumped hundreds into that stupid game and have yet to win more than a handful of dollars. We must be stupid! And yet, it is my go-to game for when I can't win at anything else. Because I can play it in the room. And drink. And it doesn't take any effort, except to get another drink.

But just once - ONCE - I'd like to get all the numbers on my ticket, even if it is just 3 or 4. I may start playing single number Keno tickets just for the joy of ticking the box.

We played the best paytable machine downtown - lone nickel loose deuces at the D-itz.*
*Sadly, now retired from the floor. R.F. 2016

After schlepping into the Four Queens, I felt tired. Really tired. Super-fatigued. But Mrs. F. wanted to play 100 play. So I indulged her. And we played. I kept piling onto my losses.

I was pretty much falling asleep in the chair and wanting to go back to the room, get hammered, lose on Keno, and sleep. Yeah, I was down about $400 on the day at this point.

My lucky Double Diamond slot even let me down.

So we schlepped through the heat to ABC store. The only good thing about the day, besides the chicken, was getting to tell three timeshare bitches in a row to take a long hard suck on my big fat one when they got in my way, trying to sell me on their evil useless wares.

I mean, I'm all in at this point. Broke, feel like crap. Got water and Coke at ABC and then went for liquor.

Except Mrs. Flusher insisted that the Russian Plonk Vodka was $3 cheaper at the Main Street gift shop than the California gift shop.

Okay, so I indulged her. Sure, we can walk the extra block or two in the searing, killing heat. I did it without complaint.

We bought a bottle of Thinpainter Vodplonka and a small bottle of Jack for me, for variety.

"Let's play a $20 in Treasure Chest," she says.

I'm ready to crash I'm so beat. Maybe a bug she had a couple of days ago...

"Sure," I indulged. "I have one $20 bill left in my stake."

We each played quarter Treasure Chest. Mrs. Flusher's twenty went particularly fast.

"I'm going to the other side," she said, ditching me.

Fine. I kept playing, maybe 6 or 7 hands and then I heard her voice from the other side of the bank of machines.

"I got a royal," she said.

"That's great kid... don't get cocky!" I replied.

That's when I remembered that the other side of the bank isn't quarters. It's dollars.

Ho-lee shit!!!!

She really knocked it out of the park!



Not only was it her first ever dollar Royal, it was DEALT. A FOUR THOUSAND DOLLAR HAND DEALT!!!

I did a quick calculation in my head and figured that it was about a 1 in 650,000 shot to get a dealt royal.

She reports that unlike the other dealt royal this trip, the cards were displayed one at a time, but were displayed held. When the fifth card was up, the Jackpot / Call Attendant messages came up.

It took a little while to do the paperwork and after 30% tax withholding (a nice thank you to all the Canadian gambling tourists from Uncle Sam) she had $2800 added to her stake.

I have to say, this trip has exceeded all expectations in the Royal department. Between the two of us, we've had SIX of them. It's absolutely insane, beautiful, extremely lucky, and very savvy and Zipperless.

We had some drinks in the room to hash over the win and my fatigue disappeared. I cleaned up with a long shower and shave and a change of pants (always a strong gambling move) and we had a lovely dinner on points in the Redwood Grille.

In this case, lovely means an entire cow carcass served up on your plate. Pretty much.

Redwood Grille's 192oz Prime Rib portion hits the spot!

Porterhouse.
 After, I managed to recover some dough by clearing $100 profit on an $80 buy-in at blackjack.


Oh, and Mrs. Flusher had a very nice 'almost' hand on $2 VP:



By the numbers... I'm down a bit on the trip after a LOT of action... but does it matter that much, considering?

Royal Flusher down $320 on the day, down $120 on the trip.
Quad Queen up $2740 on the day, up $2270 on the trip.

Combined... we are up $2170 on the trip. It is very Zipperless and avengeful!

Just a couple more days to go... can we hold on? And what will tomorrow bring?





Sunday, June 24, 2012

At Sixes and Sevens

Things started simply today. Round 2 of the Cal VP tournament was up so we warmed up in the casino. I bought a latte at Lappert's ice cream on points and drank it while we amused ourselves with some Bonus Poker.

We each hit a quad and I remember thinking, ah yes, this is going to be a good day. And then I thought, hmm, maybe this will be a brutal fucking day and I will have been lulled into a false sense of security by the apparent ease with which we nailed these quads.

My brain 'works' like that - its the mark of a savvy gamblester.

The tournament was fun, even though we both did crap. You get to take nothing but longshots the likes of which you would never take in live, funded play (like dumping a straight for four-to-a-straight flush).

In my view, a video poker tournament is the second most fun you can have in 20 minutes without spending any money.

Our scores sucked and we knew we would likely not be in the money, unless all the other contestants crashed and burned.

As we filed out past the next round of players, I used my refined psycho-social gambling techniques to plant a 'seed of doubt' as it were in their minds.

"I got two Royals..." I remarked loud enough for everyone to hear.

My mark, a comely-looking Island Senior Girlfriend of perhaps 79 years, bought in.

"Two Royals?!!!... You got two?"

"Actually, now that I think about it, it was actually three Royals I got. Well... good luck. If you decide to bother playing."

You know what they say, you can't outsmart a dishonest I.S.G. and an elephant never forgets.

Isn't that what they say? Somewhere?

It was time for me to fuel up and sample an Island Delicacy (no, not an I.S.G.).

Yes, I headed over to Aloha Specialties for the breakfast of champion gamblers - Loco Moco.

I have heard that the best Loco Moco is at the Fremont, but really, I haven't been up before 7:00am in quite a few days now - it just ain't gonna happen. (They close the snack bar there at about 6:40am).


I really wanted to order Loco Moco un Poco with Cocoa but it was only 7:30am Island Time.

Put my order in, and before long, they delivered a steaming breakfast of rice topped with a freshly ground and fried hamburger patty, and 2 eggs (which weren't like as tough as pemmican, thank God).

Either Loco Moco, or one of those things that glommed onto Spock's back, making him Loco Spocko.
Food Porn movie: Deep Inside Loco Moco #6
It was quite tasty, the Loco Moco, and I ate it all up. Added a bit of Tabasco too. Unfortunately, the patty was pretty well laced with garlic and onions and it made its presence known for around 5.294 hours after completing consumption. BRAAAPPP.

I found Mrs. Flusher and we hit up some 50 cent BP. She was in the process of getting her ass kicked. I squeaked out a nice quad for $62.

That's pretty much when the day went off the rails, into the rhubarb. We headed to Fremont to 'kill time' before grabbing the WAX bus down to MGM. This translates to losing about $120 each in Pick'em and various other games (Super Double Double Fucker Bonus).

Okay, these things happen, it'll come back right?

Hopped aboard the 12:31 WAX and made our way to MGM. The plan was, of course, to play the Lion's Share slot with the $2.2M jackpot.

First, though, Mrs. F needed sustenance, in this case, two $5 hot dogs from the food court, which was filled with 10,000 youths wandering around sending sexts (probably) to each other. That place seems more like a mall than a casino. And the prices are sickening. Even more sickening than food court hotdogs.

Sickening food court hotdogs.
We located the slot (which has been moved recently) and some ploppy and her husband were camped out in front of it.

I won't bore you with the details. We went back to check time after time and these two were monopolizing what was to be the subject of a very important blog post - this one.

We played this, we played that, I played Sigma Derby (didn't win a nickel) and the wife of the pair still had her ass glued to the chair.

"It looks like God took 220 pounds of wet clay and threw it down in a fat ball onto the chair in front of the Lion's Share slot," I whined.

Mrs. Flusher just looked at me.

"And then he gouged out two nasty eyeholes and made a slit for an angry, greedy little mouth and stuck a carrot nose in the middle of her ugly face," I continued.

I think I cried a little bit at the frustration of not being able to get on my beloved Lion's Share.

There was one bright spot in all of this. As part of a gambling expedition outside of the budget for this trip, Mrs. Flusher took a flyer on $5 video poker in the high limit room, adjacent to the (still being hogged) Lion's Share. The progressive on this thing was ridiculous.

"Hey, that's a $9,422.37 bonus on top of the usual $20K for a royal on $5 VP - this is worth playing!" I said.

First hand, she hit 2 pairs, second hand she hit a full house and cashed out $350 from a $100 buy in.


$225 full house. Heh.

MGM Green Sigma Derby action, into the stretch!
We gave up on ever winning $2.2M and headed to Excalibur. Although not before dumping more money into MGM's coffers.

At the castle, we played the quarter full pay Double Double. We got our asses kicked.

We'd won nothing - no - thing - since leaving the California hours before (not including the secret $5 VP play - don't ask).

And soon it was time to grab the bus back downtown to get to the Cal in time for the awards banquet with drawings for prize money that I will never fucking see in a million years. It was that kind of day.

Very large pictures of food on bus stop billboards look very bad up close.
The driver of the WAX was swerving all over I-15 and I started making puking noises and saying loudly, "This guy drives like Jimmy Poon! If he keeps it up, I'm gonna HURRRL!!!"

Well, we hit some traffic and stopped, and all of a sudden, the black chick in front of us with frizzy hair and a 64oz Big Boy sippy cup with some sort of horrid concoction in it ran to the front of the bus to talk to the driver.

It turned out, she wass really and truly being made sick by the drive (or by other things she'd consumed) and was in danger of horking up her lunch all over the RTC Westcliff Lake Express bus.

I occasionally made some nasty 'ullllp' sounds and coughs and such and wafted some Loco Moco burps her way to try to get her going but she made it to where we got off the Interstate.

The driver came back to check on her - he really didn't want her puking on his nice clean bus.

"Just look at the horizon, you'll be okay," I said helpfully.

We made it to Fremont, dry, and on time, and had a mostly forgettable banquet experience during which we, of course, one sweet fuck all in prize money.

Did I mention by this point in time we were both completely out of our day's stake? No, I didn't, because it's so unfair and pisses me off. I expect to win, every time out. And why not?!

Odds, that's why not. House edge. Bad luck. Variance. That's why not.

Let me characterize this further. My stake was $467. Mrs. Flusher's was $500. And it was gone. Alllll gone.

We reloaded with a couple of hundred each and regrouped at Main St. Station. I'll summarize. Mrs. Flusher lost a hundred and bailed.

I played 50 cent Super Double Double Ass Bonus for about 1 hour 20 minutes. And I played Bonus Poker in there at 25 cent and 50 cent for about 10 minutes. I was dealt 2 quads, both NOT when I was playing Super Double Double Shitheel Bonus.

The second, 4s, had a kicker. It was worth $100 on Bonus, and would have been $400 on S.D.D.S.B.

And during the 1 hour 20 minutes I played the high return high volatility Super Double Double Suck My Rat Bonus, I got one more non-premium quad. Always in the wrong place at the right time, at sixes and sevens.

I played a few quarter slots and then put my last hundred of $667 (yikes) into a dollar slot, 3/4/5 times pay. Wow, that baby played like a champ.

I pounded it for half an hour the way you pound a sailor bar hooker during drunken sex. (What?!! We really need to look into who writes these similes. I mean... really, it should be 'the way one pounds a sailor bar hooker', not 'the way you pound etc. etc.'.)

I calculated that I was putting about $35 through a minute, so it was about $1K in action.

I hit 777 for $100 once and then hit double bar double bar 5 times pay for $200 and shortly thereafter cashed out, even on my evening play with $200 preserved, but still down $467 on the day.



I'm afraid to do the math and as I wrote this, we were playing drunken TV Keno in the room. It's pathetic. Definitely not the Zipperless Royal Flusher Way.




A Victory in Progress

The California (aka The Cal) is loaded with potential I.S.G.s*. I love that about the place.

Everywhere I turn, the angular curves of the blue-hair set call their siren song to my male libido, saying things like, "Bring me a sweater, I'm sexy and cold."

That big-ass dollar progressive was at almost $10,000, I noted as I headed to Main Street for breakfast buffet, while Mrs. Flusher slept in a bit.


I roused her for round 1 of the VP tournament - on which we both did shite. We each got a minor quad but a woman on my row hit a Royal so the gauntlet has been thrown.

We headed to M.S.S. again to win some scratchcards and I hammered the Super Double Double Buggernuts Bonus game, trying to get a premium quad.

This was a day of much video poker play, some good meals, and lots of quads.

Premium Super Double Double Balls Bonus Poker Quad for $200.

Nifty little dealt quad.
We spent some time getting loaded at the Boar's Head Bar and then ate at the 777 Brewpub. I had the Monterey Chicken sandwich with onion rings, and the Quad Queen had the Chicken Philly, made with red peppers instead of green. Yumzers!

She headed up to rest some more - bad night the night before - and I hit the blackjack table. Bought in for $40 and went on a bit of a tear, getting up to $220 or so and finally cashing out up $150.


Creepy golden hand with dice display at the Cal.
I did some shopping at Walgreen's and brought back vital supplies - water, and coke. It seems that in spite of numerous quads, Mrs. Flusher was down about $500 at this point, and I was down only $100.

She recharged her budget and hit a couple of beauties for $200 and $100 respectively to gain back some ground.



We thought it would be a good idea to play $100 each in high stakes. I went for Bonus Poker and she insisted on Double Double Bonus.

Naturally, her first hand, the Quad Queen was dealt three 9s and pounded the fourth 9 for a four-of-a-kind.

My reaction was instinctive.

"CASH OUT!!! CASH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!"

Oh fuck yeah.
I didn't fare so well, losing my hundy.

We switched to 50 cent Bonus Poker and went at it, a hundred each. We played for a while. On and on. From time to time, we compared who had how many credits.

"It's not a competition," I said, "but I will beat you."

And soon, I did have quite a few more credits then the Flushateria.

"Looks like you have victory," she said.

"It's not a victory yet... I actually have less credits than I started with."

"It's a victory in progress."

Quad on the redeal.
Well, we pounded those machines the way you pound a second date from an internet dating site like LavaLife. (Who writes these horrible similes???) For two solid hours we pounded. We had many quads and I ended up even on the session, while Mrs. Flusher ended up $100.


Time for dinner - drunken Prime Rib of Beef (us, not the beef) at the Cal coffee shop.

It's no longer a bargain. The Cal bastards have killed the goose that laid the golden beef prime rib egg. They've snuck the price up yet another dollar to $9.99. I remember not many years ago (like 5) when it was $5.99!!!


Who needs a chef that can spell anyway.
Dinner was good and I sent my ice cream over to another table. A little girl there was soon shrieking "I WANT THAT! I WANT THAT!" So cute! Mission accomplished.

For our last gasp of the day, we hit up good ole dollar Treasure Chest in which you can hit the Treasure Chest Bonus! No, I'm not talking about a sailor-bar hooker, I'm talking about Video Poker!

I think I'll let the pictures do the talking.








I finished up $132 on the day, up $667 on the trip.
The QQ finished down $340 on the day, up $129 on the trip.
Combined, we are up $796 for the trip.

Can we hang on???!!!

*Island Senior Girlfriends