RSS findIndex trimsentences createcard

gridCSS

AdCode

createItems and other JavaScript code

Item Render Code


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Last Day of the Trip... or What?


Time for one last bash at the machines... Double Double Bonus, try to get those Aces with Kicker, or a Royal!

I finished up and started mentally saying goodbye to Vegas, and getting my mind back on things at home.

Took one last look at the Air FU Canada website and... the leg from Toronto to Flusherville Regional Aerodrome on the AeroCrashSpatiale Beechditch 6900 Whimperfan engined Turbodump (model 'D') was cancelled. The Vegas to Toronto flight wasn't cancelled but the second leg was. Hmmm....

I clicked on the rebooking tool and... it let me go in and pick a new set of flights. For Wednesday. I immediately got on the blower to Mrs. Flusher. Would she be mad? Happy?

She actually suggested Thursday would be a safer, better bet.

Click, click, click and I was in. Booked for Thursday, leaving at noon.

I felt an incredible rush. Reprieve! Exhaltation! Joy! Holy crap, three more nights in Vegas, no more redeye, win, win, win! Quickly booked a room offer at Crapscalibur Dickscalibur Dickscabissore Excrutiater Lowcalibre Excrementbur Trashy Castle Excalibur as a backup and then got busy extending my room here at the Cal. The BConnected website showed all sold out, and the front desk said so too. So I went and saw a host and she worked and figured and worked and figured and now I have a room here.

See, in Vegas, Money talks and Bullshit walks through the casino with a laptop under one arm or stays at Crap-scaldmyballs-ibur.

I felt like a drink, hit the bar, and promptly got quad 2s for $100. Holy crap, life can be good sometimes.

Decided to have a decent dinner and revisited the quiet Pasta Pirate. The hostess still can not tell me what the connection between pasta or Italian food in general and pirates is. I ordered up, the pasta special of the day which was a fresh, grilled chicken breast tossed with leftover grilled sausage slices and penne pasta. It was pretty good.

I spied three pretty nice looking ladies at the table next to mine with pretty high Island Senior Girlfriend (I.S.G.). They were having crab legs and I asked how it was. Apparently, pretty good. And I remarked that the crab had a lot of legs, because there was a plate of empties stacked about 8" high.

I think this is probably the way to get a feed of decent crab, forget about buffet crab.

If you are going to get crabs, the Pasta Pirate is a sure bet.

We chatted a bit more and I got back to my meal. After a while the waitress came over and told me that another table was going to send dessert over to me.

Yes, the three lovely I.S.G.'s sent cheesecake to my table.

Honestly, I was touched. And it all started to come clear about why I had needed to come to Vegas and what I was looking for (beyond pounding the cracked greasy video poker buttons, drinking to excess, and generally having a blast).

I was looking for something or someone to help me up a bit after I'd gotten so rundown. But I found that the more I gave to others in the little contacts we had, whether strangers or new found friends, the more things seemed to come back, and the more life looked a bit rosier.

It's giving, right? Its those 'kindness of stranger' moments, whether its mercilessly pointing out that someone forgot to get a scratchcard so they don't forget again, or running after a gentleman who left $20 behind in the TITO machine (this happened, I never bothered to write it up), or whether its helping a far-east funky le freak team get into their room for a gassy three-way session, or whether its just saying hello to the Keno guy when you see him away from the Keno lounge.

Those things make you feel better about yourself. And they have a strange karmic way of enhancing your life, in this case, in the guise of free cheesecake.

I told the lovely I.S.G.s about my circumstances and a bit about myself and we had a few laughs. They each got a patented Royal Flusher business card, and I truly hope they will read about this and be glad I didn't give them each a cheesecakey kiss on the cheek - cause I wanted to.

Lately I think I am becoming more and more Hawaiian. Eating their food, playing shoulder to shoulder with them. I like it. And as I was trying to explain to these folks how their gesture had touched me, I talked about how I liked the Cal so much because there was long lost friends greeting each other, families holidaying together, even nephews dealing blackjack to aunts... I struggled with my words and one of them helped me out.

"Aloha spirit," she said.

Yes, that's what it is, Aloha spirit.

From now on, the number 50 is in my go-to Keno numbers, for the 50th state, Hawaii.

However... if I don't freaking get a Royal Flusher or Aces with Kicker tomorrow, I'm moving out of here in a heartbeat and going somewhere lucky.

Today by the numbers, not much change. I broke even on VP.

VP: day 0 trip (-1350)
BJ: day 0 trip +380
Craps: day 0 trip +615

Total: day 0 trip -255
Another quad I got along the way.

A pretty sweet DDB hit to get me even on the day.




Shhwit in. Shhwit out. Open.

Well, Sandy was touted to turn into quite a bitch. The eastern US was warned about being hammered hard and Flusherville was warned about a possible pounding as well. I watched the coverage late into the night, wondering how Mrs. F and Chippy would do.

I was also worried about the trip home on the redeye later that night... flights on the Beechcrash planes from Toronto's Island Airport had already been cancelled... but there was no word that there were problems getting into Toronto. The last thing I wanted to do was take a redeye into Toronto overnight and be stuck there for a day.

Or go to the airport for the redeye only to have it endlessly delayed and then cancelled in the middle of the night with me stuck at McCarran for hours. There were all kinds of dumb scenarios, all of which involved no sleep, no fun, and a sore ass.

Time for breakfast and my fourth round of eggs-over-hard-sausage-hash-browns-sourdough-strawberry-jam-coffee. I was tired of it, frankly, and decided to get 'all mavericky' and change things up a bit. Kick it up a notch.

Go for it. Balls to the wall. Crystal balls even. Go for broke. Take a flyer. Take a ride on the Reading.

I did it! I ordered: eggs-over-hard-sausage-hash-browns-sourdough-grape jelly-coffee.

Arrived at the coffee shop at 9:25:30. Seated at the counter at 9:26:00. Order is in and coffee in front of me at 9:26:30. Breakfast arrives at 9:34. Temporarily pined for strawberry jam at 9:35. Out the door at 9:47, paid for with my last wrinkled up Aloha food booklet breakfast coupon. Try that at one of your fancy-dancy zooza overpriced oligopoly Strip hotels!

I found it hard to have much fun during the day, watching the storm get worse and worse on TV, sadly packing up, and constantly checking the Air FU Canada site to see if my flights would ever become eligible for free rebooking. I clicked through the links a number of times and was turned down over and over. Because according to the A FU C crystal ball weather wizards, my flights were still going to go, Frankenstormi-shiticane or no. Sometimes I wanted to kick them in their crystal balls... when would they cancel my flights???

I did do some play and had the usual up and down results with no heavy wins or losses. The day wore on, and I thought about whether to chance the WAX to the airport (necessitating a wait on the intra-terminal shuttle at the WAX dropoff) and finally thought fuck it - I'll book a limo. I've done pretty well this trip, I deserve some dignity.

Got a quick hit on Double Double and went up to the room to get on the phone to the plant.

They have been having trouble on the Size 77 Euro-grommet line at North American Veeblefetzer and needed me to troubleshoot. We have a big order of size 77 grommets but the grommet releaser is generating a 404 page not found error, according to what Jimmy Poon is telling me the big red and green flashing lights say.

We worked on that 404 error all morning long. Lunchtime rolled around and I rolled out of my room. Just outside the elevators was a group of three people. It was that sort of group that you can't figure out the situation at all. Is it a guy with a sister and a mom? Is it husband and wife and daughter? Or mother in law? Three friends? The one thing that was clear was that they didn't know what they were doing. As in how to get the hotel door open.

The guy, who looked a lot like a dweeble, was trying to push the keycard in hard and rattling the door, naturally to no avail. I paused and did a pantomime of inserting the key, removing it, and opening the door, complete with snazzy sound effects.

Shhwit in. Shhwit out. Open.

Shhwit in. Shhwit out. Open.

He rattled the doorknob with the key in.

Then he pulled the key out again. Nothing.

Shhwit in. Shhwit out. Open.

Shhwit in. Shhwit out. Open.

He pushed the key in really hard, trying to trigger something, and yanked on the door handle. Nothing.

I walked over and took my own key in hand and demonstrated on the room next to his. Shhwit in. Shhwit out. Open.

Ah!!! The light went on. He deftly slipped the key in, out, and pulled the handle. Unfortunately, he'd deftly slipped it in and out upside down and backwards.

Tough times call for tough and direct measures. I took his key, flipped and righted it, and handed it back for him to try... just as one of the three of them dropped an SBD.

Thankfully the door opened, and the thanks I got was a lungful of greasy fresh fart.

It saddens me that the next paragraph is on Oxtail Stew, but it is. For that was the special, and that was lunch. Not quite as good as the first time, but still good.

Hey, host Wendy from T.I. returned my call regarding the comp change to see what needed doing. Good follow-up, appreciated.

I watched the news a lot. There are many people in every kind of misery in the east and I wish them well. If the biggest problem I had was whether or not my flight home would be delayed, I was pretty lucky.

The point of no return was approaching and I started packing up, my Vegas trip over. I took my time sorting through things and getting everything together, trying to keep my carry-on under the weight limit. I decided to call Presidential for a limo... it was late in the afternoon and I figured a 9:00pm pickup would be good for my 11:30pm redeye.




Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Galloping Wins

Woke up Sunday with a sense of foreboding. It would be my last full day in Vegas. A Frankenstormi-shiticane was bearing down on the north east, and the eye was pointed right at Flusherville. It wouldn't arrive till the winds had died down later in the week, but still. I had visions of Chippy floating in the wind, anchored only by her 12 pound head. Windsocking.

There was only one thing to do, and that was to make the most of it.

I have to admit, getting away from home and having some fun, and meeting some nice folks has started to rejuvenate and re-energize me. I sincerely hope my heart reboots before it attacks, from all the heavy food I've been plowing through. I think Vegas puts on a pound a day.

I had my standard breakfast at the Cal counter. It's hard to get tired of it but I was thinking I might have to 'shake things up' the next day. Yeah, shake 'em up like the Shaka 5-way.

The Shaka 5-way is either a bank of progressive Bonus Poker machines at the Cal, or a form of sweaty in-room entertainment. I'll let you decide.

Keno play during breakfast was riveting with a 50 cent win. Yes 50 cents. A win is a win right, especially on a $10 ticket.

I hit the machines and bounced around, playing a 20 here and there, and in short order I was down $100. Then, being that it was my last full day, I took a flyer on dollar Treasure Chest - the coin droppers at the bottom of the escalator.

This was brutal. Now I was getting worried, as my day's stake was half gone.

And I haven't hit a Royal or Aces with kicker yet.

That damn Aces with kicker has eluded me for four trips now.

This seemed like a good time to shower. I even had an extra clean shirt to put on. Its important to economize on underwear and shirt usage when you are travelling 'carry-on'.

Back to Main Street for hopefully some scratch card action and did manage to hit some quads...


... and lose it all back on 50 cent. Nearing the end of the trip, I'm more inclined to press it.

Got some texts and Blonde4Ever, Kodidog and Kiddo were in the building, chowing down at the buffet, and we were due to meet up.

We managed to find each other and saddled up at my favorite row of four machines. Blonde had hit the Loose Deuces earlier... can everybody hit this but me? I've never done it. It's a sweet $650 hit if you get it though.

We got to know each other, had some drinks, and I really behaved, only proposing to one cocktail waitress in the session. Its a good thing I know my limits. Her response was enticing - she flirtaciously rolled her eyes and walked briskly away. I think in another universe where I'm not married, we have a good chance. After all, now that she doesn't speak to me directly anymore, we wouldn't fight, would we.

That fantasy out of the way, it was time for a craps lesson. Kiddo took her leave and the rest of us - me and two craps virgins - this day just keeps getting better and better!!! - headed over to the Fork Weens so Blonde could drop some of her 800 pounds of purse anchors.

We sidled up to an unused craps table and I gave my concise, careful description of the basics of craps.

"Okay you buy in, not in a roll or they'll yell at you, you put your money down on the felt, don't hand it or they'll yell at you. Get your chips, but keep your hands out of the tub or you'll get yelled at. Put money on the passline, when its your roll, keep the dice in one hand or they'll yell at you. Keep them in sight or they'll scream at you. Other than that, don't fuck up and you'll be all right."

I know how to make my audience comfortable.

"Bet on the passline 7 or 11 wins, 2, or 3 or 12 is craps, you lose, other numbers you have to roll 7, or the number again, and if you do you win, but 7 you crap out which isn't the same as the other craps which now don't matter, and either do the other numbers, unless you bet on them, but not before you set a point by not rolling 7 or 11 or craps earlier on, and you can take odds but not until there's a number. Got it? Also, don't fuck up or they'll yell at you."

I could tell by their glazed-over eyes that they were ready for $3 craps at the Fremont.

And over we went.

We successfully bought in, and the ladies and I placed our passline bets. And subsequently witnessed the largest number of craps rolls ever seen by mankind.

I'm sure Blonde and Kodi were convinced that playing craps consisted of regularly placing bets on the felt in order for them to be whisked away 12 seconds later.

Finally we got a 7 winner, and then a number and another winner. The tide started to turn.

We had a so-so session, pretty choppy really. Both of them did indeed shoot the dice and did indeed have unbelievable rolls. That's right. You would not believe how unlucky they were.

I felt bad about it, but that's gambling for you.

We walked away without anybody losing more than 10 or 12 dollars and without anyone getting hit in the eye by the ladies' throws.

I was actually pretty proud of them for having the lady cojones to go through with it all, especially at a full table. It is very intimidating for a newcomer and they did well.

I think Blonde only got yelled at twice, and Kodi once. Keep those bones in one hand, Kodi!

Next stop - Sigma Derby!!!! Where I learned that the American slang for Miller Genuine Draft is not any of the following: MDG? MG? KGB? ABC? WTF? RSVP?

It was my turn to get made fun of by the cocktail waitress. At least I didn't propose to her.

Sigma Derby was great fun and I taught the ladies how to cuss good. It's perfectly acceptable to yell at the top of your lungs "MOVE YOUR BLUE ASS #3 YOU FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!" Even the three college studs with the obligatory plastic footballs of liquor appreciated my verbal prowess.

I also delighted in randomly hitting Blonde and Kodi's betting buttons (!) against their will and more often than not without them seeing it. Once this resulted in a win for Blonde so I think I was almost forgiven.

Half an hour was enough of that, and I figured they were probably tired of my self-aggranizement, blather, bullshit, and blue language, so I took my leave of them. It was a really fun way to spend a few hours and I'm glad to have made 3 new Vegas friends.





Blonde's patented 'can't lose' betting system. For sale now!!!
Had a very late lunch at the Cal with some kind of sirloin grilled meat. It was, well, bad. But I got it for a coupon and it had calories, so that's okay, right?

Took another big-ass bash at higher stakes play - $10 a hand VP. Took 90 seconds to lose $100.

Finally found some VP luck on 50 cent to rescue my teetering bankroll:






Bounced around here and there and tried some blackjack. It was very choppy and for my last hand I went all in except for $3. Had to pull money from my wallet to bet on a double. Dealer had 20... and I pulled a 10 for 21. I was back in it and started to win. Won back my $100 stake and kept going. Cashed out at $200, up $100. The tables are being very good to me this trip.

Tried my luck at the $5 Wheel of Meat outside the 777 Brewpub - I won only 2 credits and crashed and burned. $100 gone.

Okay, try the craps magic. But it was choppy and I was tired. Lose lose lose, down to $35 or so. $5 on the line, point was 9, put most of my dough in odds, except for $11. I figured if I lost I'd take a flyer on roulette.

Lost.

Stroll to the roulette table, and make three straightup number bets - $5 on 17 a la Beeejay, James Beeejay, $3 on 9, $3 on 19. Nineteen hits and I've won back my craps buy-in! Sweet.

Bought yet another Keno ticket (why do I keep doing this?) did some blogging and then got hungry. My budget for the day was about shot. In fact, it was all shot.

But I had a hankering for pizza, so I allowed myself an extra hundred, being as it was the last full day, and headed to the Four Queens cigar bar, where I settled in to a very large Absolut, and got busy on Double Double Bonus.



Nice eh? I kept the money too. Got my pizza, headed back 'home', and on the way, remembered the Keno ticket. I did the self-scan and just started to laugh.

Yep, I've now hit 4 out of 4 on Keno, finally.

You've gotta love Vegas. You go out to get a pizza, get two free huge drinks, and come back with an extra $280.

By the numbers:

VP: day (-220) trip (-1350)
BJ: day +100 trip +380
craps: day -90 trip +615
Roulette: day +95 trip +95

Total: day -115 trip -255

Down 255 after after 8 full days in Vegas. I am really excited about it. All I need is a Royal and its a winning trip. Aces with kicker would almost do it to. But sadly, I go home tomorrow on the redeye. Better get cracking!

I really felt good about things, especially the great swing at the end of the day. The only downside was this big-ass storm heading for landfall.

Yeah, Sandy.





Monday, October 29, 2012

Rolling On The Floor Laughing (and PMP)

First things first - I managed to get ahold of the Keno desk at T.I. - my lucky ticket was a winner! To the tune of one measly dollar.

I played a little VP to little effect and then headed to the counter at The Cal coffee shop for breakfast. I have been, and will use, the counter quite a bit while here alone. It's so fast to get seated, fast to get served, and fast to get out. And the people sitting shoulder to shoulder with me have been very interesting to meet, almost every meal. I have only been bitten twice.

Okay bitten once, and nibbled by accident once. My thumb was mistaken for a breakfast buffet sausage.

Hot eggs hard over, hash browns with that buttery greasy flavor dancing on my tongue and later, my arteries, sausage a la disks, sourdough toast, 2 3/4 packets of strawberry jam (see my previous whining complaint about this), coffee.

And with that, and a healthy burp, I headed upstairs for the second round of the VP tourney.

You pretty much need to get a Royal Flush and then some to win or place in the big money for one of these things. It was clear that 5 or 6 people had gotten royals, going by the posted scores yesterday - the top scorers so far all had 5,000 to 6,000 points.

As we lined up for machine assignment, I laid on my savvy intimidation tactics by striking up conversations with people.

"So, how did you do?..." I'd ask.

"Lousy, I only got one small quad, about 1100 points."

No matter what they said, and whether they asked me or not, I'd reply, "I got 11,000 points yesterday."

or

"I got 13,300 points yesterday."

This caused swaths of I.S.G.s and their husbands to simply walk away from the upcoming round, thus bettering my chances by 1.3 to 1.5%.

Don't look askance at me! If you are going to compete for the big prize money, you have to be prepared to take it to the competition!

Besides, after screwing up and not using all my credits in round 1, a little lying intimidation was necessary.

I got a good machine again - a slant top - and we haved at it. One quad for me, no Royal, lower score than yesterday. I wouldn't even come close to winning, but by my calculations would be in the top 100, and therefore, eligible for a $100 cash prize.

It was time to do some chores - I had the rental car for a couple more hours, so I headed out, first to a gas station, which completely baffled me because it didn't take credit cards. I did get it sorted and gassed up. Then I headed to the Outlet center and picked up a new pair of Royal Flusher Getaway Boots, just like the pair I've almost worn out. I swung by Spinetti's, never having been in. I did the place in about 8 minutes. It focuses mostly on poker chips, dice, cards, and layouts and such. If I needed chips for home, I'd probably come here.

Dropped the car off at the Four Queens and the guy wasn't around. This caused me - nay forced me - to lost $60 gambling while awaiting his return.

Car dealt with, I returned to The Cal and dumped my boots in the room, saddled up, and headed down to the casino.

I futzed around the VP machines, looking for some wins. Dumped $100 on dollar Double Double Bonus, taking a flyer on it. Boy would those Aces with kicker change this trip, if I got it on dollars...

Somewhere along the line, I got this nice quad.
I took another hundred and did the parlay game with it. The idea is you start with $20 on quarters. When you double it, you double the stakes. Double it again, double the stakes again to dollars.

Similarly, when you drop down, you lower the stakes accordingly.

The results were sucky.

$20 -> $0 in 2 minutes

$20 -> 40 in 7 minutes

$20 and hit Kings for $32. Move up to 50 cents. Drop down, drop to quarters. Back up to $40, back up to 50 cents. Back down to quarters. To $0 after 25 minutes.

$20 -> $0 in 10 minutes

Screw it. I got up. And the oddest thing happened. A slight (aka skinny) woman actually fell off her stool at the blackjack table and rolled on the floor laughing.

She got helped to her feet and wobbled back onto her stool and as she did so it was plain to anyone watching (i.e. me) that, in no uncertain terms, this woman had had a Mandalay Bay Moment similar to what I experienced when I sat in a seat and ended up very wet in that ass-al region of my trousers. The only difference was for this woman it was real, and not wave pool water.

What to do?

I sidled over to the pit boss and told them what was going on - they'd seen it the same as me and would deal with it.

The woman was spoken to gently (but firmly) and her husband finally accompanied her away from the table, and hopefully to her room for clean up, and beddy-byes.

The Cal hazmat team was scrambled and they brought their rather futuristic looking toxic spill cart to the scene. Some of you may have described this as a janitor with a luggage cart, but I saw a hazmat team.
Scene of 'the stool' incident. Ick.

They carted away the stool, hopefully for disinfecting, burning, reupholstering, or something.

I won't know if that particular stool ever returns to the casino here, but I can tell you, there is one blackjack table at which I will never, ever sit.

Tried more VP including losing $100 chasing Boner Deluxe at the MSS bar, and just could not get anywhere serious and lasting. Yes I did hit some quads, but attrition was working on me.

Four to a Royal! Would I get it?...
Fuck no.
The Cal is nice. It's homey. There are families and friends everywhere. I saw a woman ask the pit boss for a deck of used card - she was handed a number of decks.

And I had a really nice dealer for a time who referred to one woman at the table as 'Auntie'. Isn't that quaint? Actually, no it isn't - she really was his aunt! I think his Granny was at first base to my right. She wasn't very skilled and he would gently look at her cards and tell her what to do. Honestly, it was very enjoyable. I broke even on that session but it sure was fun asking Auntie if she could please spank the dealer when he hit to 21.

I decided to try the Cal craps table and see if my luck still held from the day before's monster session. I hoped to run into another hot shooter.

And I did.

And that shooter was me! Yes, I had a pretty darn good roll. When I sevened out I had $75 on the felt and colored up $235 from a $100 buy-in.
Craps win. Ten bucks went as a tip to the crew.

What was dinner? Oh yes - the prime rib at the Cal, free with my meal booklet. Eaten at the counter.

By the numbers, still holding on as this trip winds down...

VP: day (-400) trip (-1130)
BJ: day 0 trip +280
Craps!: day +230 trip +705

Day total: -170
Trip total: -145  <- not bad for 7 days so far.

I really, really need to hit some big hands or a Royal Flush though, to cement this as an 'even' or 'winning' trip. Yeah, I'd really like that.

 




Sunday, October 28, 2012

One of Those Days with Victor Mature

Feeling pretty chuffed after blowing them out at the craps table, my biggest win ever by like triple, I'm struttin' around like I've got a 10 inch oxtail.

Had lunch at the coffee shop, trying another Hawaiian specialty - Kahlua Pig (which is slow cooked pig and cabbage). It comes, naturally, with macaroni salad. What else?

The somewhat bland Kahlua Pig.

Checking the VP tournament results after round 1, I find I am solidly in the top 30 out of 366 entrants. Pretty savvy play, even if I did miss 7 hands (DUMBASS).

Playing some VP I get yet another set of dealt Queens. Have you been keeping count of how many times this has happened so far?

I do a quick $20 in the coin dropper 9/6 Jacks by the hand-job lucky Buddha and ramp up quickly to $60, and out.

I take the $60 and try the Blazing Ass Sevens machine that the family was camped out on. I think they applied to Bally's Mfg. for Slot Refugee Status.

Anyway, I gave it a go and this happened.

Savvy $200 hit on Blazing Ass Sevens.


I had a couple to cool off and head to the Boars Head at MSS where I was to meet up, hopefully, with a friend who I'll call 'VPSue' (not her real name, exactly).

She texted me "what are you wearing".

I replied "blue shirt     pants".

Pants are always a good thing.

Well we had a great time, having some drinks, and a cigar, and playing some video poker. She hit the Aces on dollars (no kicker, sadly) and I did okay too. For one thing, I hit a straight flush.



"So, what did you think I looked like, before you met me?" I asked.

"I thought you looked like Victor Mature."

I was pretty impressed - I actually do look exactly like Victor Mature. At least, you can imagine me looking like that as you read the blog - VPSue no longer has that option, but you do.

Ignore the lettering, that's Royal Flusher.
After hanging out at the bar and yakking for a couple of hours, VPSue asked me if I'd eaten. I hadn't and was quite hungry.

"I haven't and I'm quite hungry," I said. "I have a meal book from the Aloha people but its only good for one. Maybe we could split an order of Kahlua Pig and cabbage..."

VPSue had something better -a piece of paper which makes any staff member at Boyd give her whatever she wants (including decent wine that doesn't come out of a tetrapak.)

So, VPSue used her magic pass to obtain a lovely dinner for both of us. There were crabcakes and lobster wontons and a rib steak for me and lobster for her. Dessert was not going to cram its way in after all the good food we ate.

We decided to try one of the Cal bars (I've never played at one!) and we found some 'acceptable' 9/5 DDB with a progressive on the Royal.

And didn't I continue to keep winning!

Threes with the kicker for $200.
The 'one minute later' quad.
It really was a good thing I had pants on today, because they ended up full of cash.

I'd pretty much healed the ass-reaming at TI and, well, let's look at the 'holy shit!' numbers.

VP: day +220 trip -730
BJ: day 0 trip +280
Craps: +475 day +475 trip

Overall: day +695 trip +25.

Yup, that's plus $25 for the trip. (Unless Math Guy can find some mistakes in my calcs, which is extremely likely.









Saturday, October 27, 2012

Craps on the Edge

Another fine day in Las Vegas. The weather is really beautiful this time of year. Warm sun, cool breezes...I really should go outside for more than 30 seconds and experience it.

I used my Aloha meal coupon book to grab breakfast at the Cal coffee shop.

I love eating at the counter when I'm travelling alone. It is kitschy and homey and you can skip the lineup.
Counter Service!
I avoid the breakfast buffet there, and opted for 'made to order' eggs any style, a couple of sausage disks, hashed brown taters, coffee, and sourdough toast with strawberry jam on.

Would it hurt them to make a little jam package that either covers exactly one half a piece of toast, or exactly one full piece of toast, instead of 2/3 of a full piece of toast???

My tournament times were 9:30am Friday and Saturday and it was getting on a bit past nine. I headed upstairs, did some Flusher Finger Flinger Flexercises to warm up, and picked my ball out of the ball box.

My ball said 55 which Glory Be, was a slant top. Much better to play on.

I did more pre-game prep, placing Gordie Howe strategically so as to intimidate my nearby opponents, who would similarly crush me into the boards given half a chance, the wily senior citizen gambling bastards!

I'd have 20 minutes to play out 1500 credits worth of Double Double Bonus Video Poker. I wrote out some calculations as to where I'd have to be at 15, 10 and 5 minutes. I tend to play too fast and make mistakes. I wanted to play just right and be more accurate.

After a few obligatory forced-excitement bad sound system addresses and announcements to the contestants, we were off and pressing button!

Within the first five minutes I was dealt 3 Aces and nailed the fourth for an Aces quad, but alas, no kicker. This would definitely cost me money. You need a Royal or Aces with kicker a couple of times to get into the good bucks.

I played on and got no other hands of note, pacing myself perfectly.

Until I noticed that with a little over a minute to go I had a significant number of credits. Holy shit! I played as fast as I could, churning through the hands.

I'm embarrassed to say that I wasted 35 credits - seven hands unused. NOT the R.F. Way and pretty goddamned degenerate, and not savvy.

There's always a new way to learn to do something stupid, I have found.

Trotted over to Main St. to get some scratchcards and in fact, I did! The quads were comin'!








The Royal progressive on a bank of Double Double Bonus machines was way up there and I spent quite a bit of dough chasing it, to no avail.

Not having played craps for a while, I decided I would risk one hundred American dollars and put my new Flusher Craps Adapted Super Savvy Strategy to work.

All I needed was to find a shooter that made a number of successful passes of the dice, and the F.C.A.S.S.S would do the rest!

I bought in and the first couple of rolls were inconsequential. I think I lost $20 or something.

The third guy takes the dice and gets on a roll (as it were). I go from 5 to 10 to 15 on the passline with single odds behind. And I start to make some money.

Before long, I've doubled my buy-in - about as good as I've ever done on craps. But I wasn't done yet, not by a long shot.

$25 on the line and the guy rolls a seven. The F.C.A.S.S. calls for me to press it. So now I've got $50 on the line, and I'm gulping a bit. Point is 9 and I put $25 down in odds. And sure enough...

...he makes the point. Now I'm racking some green $25 chips. I don't know where to look or what to do, I don't want to make a move to jinx anything, I just tap my feet and try to stay cool while I'm flip flopping inside.

The last thing I want to have happen is to drop my chin too much so my head drops to the carpet and my hind legs go windmilling in the air.

I have $35 on the passline and I throw out $5 in singles.

"All the hardways, two-way hard eight." (For you non-craps folks the two-way is a bet for me and a bet for the dealers. Its a savvy move to tip the dealers.)

As mentioned, I deftly toss my chips to the stick man and... one of them stands on its edge.

Just stands there.

One of the dealers says its only the fourth time she has ever seen that happen. Something must be going on at this table...

Next roll... 12. My $35 goes away and I start again with $5 on the line and the shooter promptly sets a point and sevens out.

I've got quite a stash in my rack. I count it up by 25s and have a few extras.

Okay, I'll just play those, I think, and see what I can do, otherwise, I'll book the win.

Well a couple more non-eventful shooters go by and then this other guy down the table gets the bones and... goes on a total fucking heater.

I'm pressing and pressing, and he is making point after point. I can hardly believe it. My rack is filling and I am living something that I've dreamed about literally for years.

Much as I hate the 'that guy' expression, I look down the table and I'm the only one with a mile high stack of reds down on the pass line. I'm that guy. I'm out betting, outsmarting, and outwinning everyone at the table. Even the shooter isn't taking advantage of his good fortune.

We go from 5 to 10 to 15 to 25 to 30 to 35 on the passline.

Chips come in and come in.


I've got $75 on the table when he sevens out and my rack looks like this:


You can probably count it... I color up $575 off of a $100 buy-in. And I've achieved one of the major goals of this trip, which is to make a major score on a table game.

I get back to the room and play with the five black $100 chips I've got. Man what a turnaround I've had.

And... it ain't over.





Keeping My Head Up Chippy Style

As I left the Cal, I saw a family grouped around some old skook coin dropper Blazing Ass Sevens slots. They had put pictures of family members up, and all sorts of trinkets, turning the machine into a Family Gambling Shrine.

I chatted with them for a bit and commended their family values. If only I had that kind of support in my down times on this trip. Everyone needs support to reboot their Vegas heart, right?

Okay, either support or a pantload of cash.

I managed to pick the perfect route to T.I. - down Main across Las Vegas Boulevard, pick up Paradise southbound, and then right on Sands, looked good for a quick left onto the Strip, and quick right into T.I. and into the welcoming arms of the Pirate Valet Team.

I crossed the threshold into million coconut land, the place of my 50 cent Bonus Poker and quarter Super Double Triple Fucker Bonus Poker demise.

I thought of our dog, the Great Dane / Chihuahua cross, Chippy, at home. Chippy is a great dog with terrible comportment. With her 12 pound head and 6 pound body, sometimes, when she is in a down mood, she kind of lowers her eyes.

This can result in her slowly losing balance and tipping forward. Her head drops, and her hind legs come off the ground. Like one of those bobbing drinking birds, her head slowly hits the carpet and her rear legs windmill pathetically, trying to reach sold ground.

Sooner or later, one of us will notice her mewling and windmilling and give her rear end a little wee push - just enough to gently cantilever her watermelon sized head up, and her little chihuaha legs down so she can start bumping into furniture again.

Well let me tell you, after the reaming I've been taking, I felt exactly like Chippy.

My head was on the casino carpet.

My legs were in the air.

I was mewling pathetically and what I really needed was that lucky push on the ass to get me moving again.

By the way, my host didn't call back, so I had to use some Flusher Social Skillz to get the comp fixed up from 1 to 2.

"Can I help you Mr. Flusher," said the natty looking boothling.

"Yes. Can you give my ass a push, and fix this comp up for 2?"

It's not as glamorous as it sounds... they told me I didn't have enough in my comp account so they wrote a $35 limit for 2 with 2 rounds comp instead. I assume I have now drained all my comps out of T.I.

That taken of, my head still dragging on the carpet, I made my way to the bar. I actually felt a chill come over me.

I was to meet BlueSkadoo at 7:45 and I was a little early.

I ordered an Absolut, and coldly slipped a 20 in the machine. "IT'S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN!" I screamed inside my head.

I took a pull off the ice cold vodka and played a hand. And a second. I could imagine dumping another hundy in the next 15 minutes.

As I played the 3rd hand, I got a text. Skadoo was just down the bar, and was playing as well.

I hit draw and just about fainted.

Suck on that, pirates. We call this The Royal Flusher Way.
That big hand I'd been chasing at the bar for soooo long... had just hit. Four 4s WITH KICKER for $500. On the third hand, out of nowhere!

I called Blue and she had news too - her very first every VP four of a kind. No longer would she be branded behind her back as the 'quad virgin of Skadooland'.

And no longer would my legs windmill. My head was high, and my rear feet planted firmly on Mother Carpet.

What an amazing feeling to have gone through the wringer, dealt with the fact that I'd been a loser at TI big time and it would stay that way, and coming out, unexpectedly, miraculously, the other side. Like Chippy, I may have wet the carpet, just a tiny bit.

And I also had my wonderful surprise Keno ticket that I hadn't checked in the morning!

And, with a Flusher Flourish, I realized that the stupid Keno ticket was safely stored back in my room at the Cal.

Dumbass.

We decided to tour around and play a little here and there, and wandered over to Mirage so I could show Skadoo where all the tropical decorations used to be and aren't no more. For some reason she insisted that I see the Kardashian store and she used her female passive aggressive soft skills to nudge me in that direction with my knowing it. Thankfully, it was closed, but we did have to look at stuff through the window.

We both concluded "We don't get it."

I played the best slot in the world - Double Diamond Haywire - to a dull thud. It didn't matter though, we were flying high, both our Chippy legs and big heads where they should be.

Dinner at Kahunaville as entirely awful. Let me summarize. Main dining room closed, so we had to eat in the bar. Loud noises made it difficult to communicate. Waitress beyond rude to us. Switched tables to one that was 1.5 decibels quieter, and thank goodness, non-rude waitress. Ribs tasty but room temperature. Mountain of stirfry with gallon 'o soya sauce, a sodium explosion in your mouth.

Coldslop seemed off, fries who cares, 1.5 pounds of meat, ok.

Left my card, of course.
While eating, the music got loud. Then louder. Then louder again. We literally could not communicate beyond gestures, pointing, grunting, and texting and we called for the check immediately.

Kahunaville? Not soonaville.

It must be said though that Skadoo's fortune cookie actually contained a fortune, in that it fortold future events. And even though I won't divulge it here in public, the description was particularly apt, given Skadoo's occupation as a Personal Shopper to the Stars.

As we said so long, I felt a heaviness in my tummy. It wasn't emotional, it was the fact that I'd eaten about 1.5 pounds of meat for dinner and nothing else. Heavy, dude....

It seems that Skadoo's plane being overbooked had some far reaching unintended consequences - she'd made out like a bandit on the compensation, gotten her first quad, and I'd found redemption against those bastard bartop machines that ate all the money I lent them.

I drove back downtown in a perfectly clear night, cool air, a few stars visible. I felt very, very good. I valet parked The Car at The Cal and deftly slipped the guy a couple of bucks.

"Keep it close, my good man," I said gesturing to the Ford Urbancan.

He sighed and squealed out.

Walking past the lucky wooden Budha - I'm telling you, that fat bastard gets more hand job action than anyone else on the planet - he's rubbed raw, I tells ya! - and up the little stairs.

What do I see? That family is still there. Its five hours later. Pounding those machines. Pounding and pounding them. Hours and hours of dollar action. They looked lightly sweaty and they looked glassy eyed.

"Still here?.." I said.

One of them nodded.

"Think of the all the points!" I reminded, and carried on my way.

Played a little and hey, hit a couple more quads. It should be noted that during the drought, I had 56 tries from 3-of-a-kind to get a quad and failed on all of them. The Eights below happened on try number 57. It seems like the drought.... may really be over.

Good thing, I have a VP tournament tomorrow.

Let's go over the numbers, shall we?

VP: day +60 trip (-950)
BJ: day +30 trip +250
Craps: day 0  trip 0

Trip overall (-670)

Hmmm, craps is still a wash at no money won or lost. What's up with that?...

It should also notice that this was a WINNING DAY.

Maybe tomorrow would be too.





Friday, October 26, 2012

The Cal, The Cow, The Call

I unpacked in a regular room at The California, or as those 'in the know' call it, The Cal. (Which is short for The California.) Now you are savvy too!

The room is more comfortable than the Four Queens, I think by a fair margin. Somehow its cleaner maybe? And again, there are no rolls of someone else's dirty socks in the room. T.I. escaped this hosiery faux pas also.

Speaking of T.I., I almost immediately spied.... the $10 Keno ticket from breakfast that I forgot all about checking to see if I might have won some big bucks.

Damn. Well, I had the Kahunaville comp, so maybe if I ever got the balls up to venture back there, I could check it then.

Settled in at the Cal and it seemed like I started to find my rhythm, playing some familiar slant tops and getting some success.

For some reason, I was counting how many times I had 3 of a kind and did not get a quad out of it. The count was up to the mid thirties. At least I had remembered how to get quads from 2.

The VP tournament at The Cal (short for The California, savvy-speak, remember?) - anyway - The Cal VP tournament comes with one of their slick meal books. My meals are covered for the next 4 days. You can pay a few bucks to upgrade the meals as needed too, if you want a better buffet or a steak or something.

But generally, the coupon for lunch is good for The Special or The Spec (for those staying at The Cal who are in The Know, or The Kn. for short.) Anyway, I check out the coffee shop and the Spec is Oxtail Stew.

Based on a recent discussion on an online forum, and my penchant for not eating something that spent its life swinging 0.83 inches from a cow shit spewing cow's ass, naturally I decided to 'challenge' myself and try it.
I skipped the line-up for tables and hopped on a stool at the counter, which is old-style, kitschy, diner-style fun. You get to meet and elbow strangers next to you too.

Oddly, on the milk dispenser, a sign read:

"1 INCH LONG TUBE. CUT AT 45 ANGLE"

Now I now how they 'harvest' the 'ox' tail.

Regardless, I ordered up The Spec.

Let me tell you...

Flushers and Flusherettes, it was outstanding comfort food, delicious, fantastic, and I would have it again in one swing of a cow's rudder. (Next to the udder.)

The most amazing, rustic, Oxtail stew, yes?
Played around some at The Cal and Main Street Station and was doing sort of okay, but losing bit by bit.

I tried a few different machines after lunch as I ruminated on my fate. I was determined to stay in control. 20 here. 20 there. Keep changing if it isn't working. Play the man, not the puck. Don't go on tilt!

Wouldn't you know it, I could not get my first The Scratchcard at The MSS?

The Cal did allow me one more quad, and then I decided to try some $5 blackjack. It went well, I pressed up a bit and got bored after a while, up $55. A win is a win.

I was looking forward to a quiet evening when I got a call from a friend. She'd gotten bumped off her flight and was staying in Vegas another night. Did I want to meet for dinner?

Sure I did. Why not, I had a comp on the strip.

Back at the place of 'that which shall not be spoken of'...

...at Kahunaville, at The Island of Treasure Island, or in savvy-speak... TITI.

I shuddered and called my host to make it dinner for 2, not 1.




Morning After The Night Before (aka Asskicking)

When you aren't getting good play at VP and when you aren't winning, its tempting to chase.

I woke up Wednesday morning and felt ill. Partly it was because of the portable bar I'd picked up at Shifty Dick's Discount Liquors. And partly it was knowing I'd gotten my ass kicked.

I can't tell you how many 20s I fed into Super Double Triple Super Fucker Bonus (with the big quads with kickers) and got nothing.

On more than one occasion I blew through a hundy at it, looking to get that 'saviour' hand.

And none came.

Got my stuff together and headed down. I had no stomach for anything high volatility. I just needed to get my legs under me again. So I played horrible, horrible 6/5 quarter Bonus.

Unbelievable, I broke the quad drought of almost 48 hours with four Queens - on the redeal. A very unusual happening. I'll take it.

Extremely rare, savvy quad on the redeal.
Played that down, and later after reloading a few times, got another quad, queens again.

Mercy.

Net was still a loss though.
 
Headed to the coffee shop for a plate of eggs and hash browns with little sausages. Sourdough toast. Coffee, yes lots of coffee. Strawberry jam. It was quite good.

Bought a $10 Keno ticket and played the numbers down the left hand side - because those were the only ones I could see from my table on the distant keno board.

After eating, I tried one last shot at Super Double Triple Super Fucker Bonus. 20, 40, 60...

Tried the killer 50 cent Bonus Poker for 'one last twenty'. Usually there is some sort of fiscal redemption for the last minute gambler. But no.

Headed to the slot club and talked to a very nice host, Wendy.

Wendy says to send all my gambling friends to her and she will take care of them (with the usual caveats around levels of play, naturally).

Wendy worked on my account and got me sorted to the point where my total stay was about $60. That's for two nights in a pretty nice room, which I really enjoyed, resort fees including access to The Internet (whatever that is), two buffets, and two coffee shop meals.

She even threw in a comp to Kahunaville, good for sometime in the next couple of days.

I feel like I have now got established at T.I., which was a goal, and I expect I will see some offers. My coin in was $7,770 or so, and my coin out on slots was an ugly $997 less than that. They had my table play rated almost exactly what it should be. It was uncanny how realistic it was - unusual.

Got my stuff and walked by the 50 cent BP that did me so nasty. I looked at it like it was a hungry lion, waiting to devour me. Or at least, my cash.

I had the stomach only to try a last forlorn 20. And of course it simply disappeared.

Tail between my legs, I dragged my sorry swollen ass out of there. I think I heard the machine let out a soft sweet belch in statisfaction as I limped, bowlegged, away from T.I. Valet brought the Ford Urbancan around and I high-tailed it for mother, or specifically, The Cal.

I didn't even glance back in the rearview as I left T.I. This was supposed to be redemption? Rebooting my heart, filling it with joy?...

Even if the offers came, would I ever want to set foot in the place of my gambling demise, ever again???

Even with the scent of a million coconuts, would I ever???




Thursday, October 25, 2012

Crash of the Phoenix


One of the things that I thought would reboot my heart would be to have a spiritual experience, like maybe driving out to the desert, alone, before dawn, and chanting as the sun rose slowly over the Sierra Nevada mountain peaks.

Well, I got up very early on Wednesday and sure enough, I could see by the reflection in the side of the Wynn that sunrise was just about to happen. I said a few mantras ("Aloha! Aloha!), did some chants ("Taxi! Taxi!") and I could kind of feel something moving. It might have been last night's buffet.

I checked out the other of my two panoramic windows and spied a sign from the Gambling Deities. (Or were they Demons?...)


There was a thick plume of black smoke, seemingly signalling me. Bright orange flames licked the sky from below, doing a cheap, slutty imitation of Gene Simmons' classy tongue moves.

I envisioned myself part of the spectacle, rising phoenix like into the dawn sky, like a phoenix. The phoenix being the bird that arises from the ashes.

It seemed like a pretty good karma recharge to me. On the other hand, it was just a bakery fire.

I took my 350 in chips from the night before and lost some at VP at the bar (no quads) and then played $150 in 50 cent BP. (no quads).

The remainder ($100) I played in 50 cent BP and I really hammered it hard, going for a quad. I got it up to $140, then switched to dollars. Got it up to $190 and switched to $2. I was so overdue for a quad it wasn't funny. I hadn't had one since noon the previous day!

I played many hands at $20, had many 3 of a kind draws, but could not get it. I ended up going back down to $100 and cashing it out.

This was devoted to craps which I lost in 7 minutes.

I was in trouble and I knew it. Time to make use of the rental car and go on walkabout. And maybe win $2.28 million. I stuffed $200 Canadian in my wallet and headed out to Radio Shack.

After all, I'm on vacation, why not live it up?

I picked up an electronic part for a friend - something he couldn't get in Canada. Got to see some of Vegas and got the part.

Now on to... the airport!  After all, I'm on vacation, why not live it up?

I sat in the pull-off area for a while in the sun and watched the planes come in. I thought about all the dollars they were bringing to lose at 50 cent Bonus Poker like me.



They have the ATC feed on an FM frequency so you can listen to the radio traffic. It's kind of fun if you are broke and have no life and like planes.

Next stop was a hole in the wall liquor store to pick up room supplies. I had a feeling I was going to need them. I grabbed a mickey of Gentleman Jack and one of Schmirnoff 100 proof. Good jet fuel indeed.

Another thing on my bucket list was to check out the huge Fry's store I always see on the way in from the airport.

Oh my God it is electronics HEAVEN. I spent a long while drooling over every imaginable electronic part, book, software, consumer, toy, accessory, you name it.

Big slot machine in Fry's facade. I didn't win on this either.

Big coins for the big slot machine.
 Next stop, the fabled Lion's Share machine. It ate $220 of my dollars, let me play for 50 minutes, gave me a shitload of MILFE points, got me upgraded to Gold, and got me a 'free' buffet.

BlueSkadoo happened to be lurking in MGM just at the same time and came over to commiserate. I gave her a patented R.F. business card to give to her Mom, to see if she would see me.


Gordie, get me $2.28 million!!!!
Had Lions on all 3 reels. Just not at the same time.

$220 buffet comp.
Ate the buffet (crab legs) - it was okay, but I've had too much buffet lately. And then headed back to the room at T.I. to get stoked for one more night at it.

Somehow.... somehow.... the bottle of Jack has half of it missing. I can't imagine how.

But fueled up, I headed down to the blackjack table. Bought in for $100, and went on a bit of a tear.

Yup, got it up to $300, and cashed out $250.

Then I played a hundy in VP. (no quads).

Had some drinks along the way, played about two hours of VP (no quads) and got tapped out.

Total fucking unmitigated disaster tilt tilt tilt horrible day. Not even the power of Gordie Howe could save me.

The numbers are pretty grim. As near as I can piece it together, it looks like this.

VP (slots): day (-720) (what happened to that loss limit???) trip (-1260)
BJ: day +150 trip (+250)
Craps: day (-100) trip (even)

Total trip (-1010)

(Note: I revised these figures once I figured out what the hell was actually going on. And it's worse than I originally thought. Damn you, Vegas!)

By the way... this was a day without ANY quad or other significant win on VP whatsoever. And I haven't had a quad since noon the previous day, so it's pretty much 2 days without. Boy does it hurt.

Well, I have the ashes, bring on the phoenix.