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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Offers Offers Offers!!!

Well, the next trip to Vegas is on my mind already. It doesn't help that everyone I know is buggering off there without me.

And, its been a full 3 weeks since I was in Vegas. And the offers are coming in.

Strangely absent so far is anything in the mail or email from T.I. - they are really active with their online marketing and I expected to get on their radar with my play from last trip. My host did say she would comp a night or two up front next visit, so maybe some goodies will show up...

My old haunt, the El Cortez, is back in my good books, after they jilted me earlier this year.. They've restored my typical 3 night offer, and Mrs. Flusher has the same.

- 3 nights anytime in the snazzy Banana Suites, the pedestrian and functional tower, the run-down and scary pavilion nestled in the parking garage, or the historic but unsecure original casino rooms on the 2nd floor.
- $25 free play
- $25 dining
- miniature Jack Daniels from the gift shop (to get your bender started right)
- turn on Jackie Gaughan's lap during his afternoon poker stint

Jackie is over 90 so that part of the offer should be used promptly.

The Four Queens is in the mix as usual, although the Quad Queen's free play has dropped. They are probably mad that she stayed at the Nugget this summer with her Mom, the Mother Flusher. We both have:

- 3 nights anytime
- $80 free play
- free hugs from Jay at the slot club booth

And Boyd (Cal/Main Street/Fremont) continues with great video poker tournaments and room offers. We each have 3 or 4 nights there anytime. The Quad Queens comes with $50 free play and mine comes with $40 in food.

Even the Golden Nugget is showing us some love, finally! Barely. With very restricted dates, they are offering 2 free nights and $100 in free play, or play-till-you-lose chips. Hopefully in the New Year the offers will continue.

Both the Four Queens and Boyd have video poker and slot tournaments that we regularly get invited to. I plan to go to as many of these as I possibly can until I win one of them. Anyway. the trick is to phone ahead and get the dates if we haven't received the mailers yet, so we can plan around these.

Excalibur is in there with 2 and 3 night offers including $100 free play, a coupon book, and reduced paytables on their double double bonus. So fuck that.

MGM is offering one free night. One. Stingy much MLIFE?

And finally, the best is saved for last... Wynn has thrown an offer of 3 free nights plus $300 free play at the Quad Queen, on the back of her stellar play last summer - an hour or two of 50 cent VP. They say that if we ask for a suite upgrade, its often available.

Man I love getting offers.




Tuesday, November 6, 2012

There's Got To Be A Morning After

My flight was set to take off at 11:45 and the limo booked for 9:00am.

I got up at 5:30am thanks to a helpful text reminding me to "GET UP AND GAMBLE".

I was pretty much all packed up and ready to roll. I just had time to gamble a bit, have a hearty breakfast at the Cal coffee shop counter, and get my ass to the all-new Terminal 3 at McCarran.

Hey guess what? Today was the first day of a new month, and I had a fresh set of freeplay over at the Four Queens. So I headed there by 6:00am and loaded up my free $80 at the King's Bar on Double Double Bonus.

I had a really good run on my $80, hitting a quad at one point to keep me in the action. I couldn't hit the big hand I needed though, even though I was dealt 3 Aces a multiple of times.

I really didn't have a lot of time and I had a solid 45 minutes of play before my freeplay ran out. No guts no glory, I ran it down to zero.

Headed over to the Cal, and had my usual breakfast.

And it was pretty much time, time to leave my cottage, Las Vegas, the place I go to relax and make a buffoon out of myself.

Limo ride, uneventful.

Security, uneventful. In fact, I had a couple of hours to kill before the plane. What else to do but play some high stakes, high volatility video poker at the airport?!

And guess what, I hit a couple of quads there to keep me going.



I had $120 on the meter at one point but again, I thought I'd go for broke. Some day I'll hit a Royal at the airport and make a believer out of you.

I played my credits down to zero and soon, it was time to get on the plane.

I looked down through the crack on the walkway, glimpsing my last glimpse of Nevada soil (asphalt paved soil, in this case) and I hesitated a moment as a tear rolled down my cheek...

... and I stepped into the fuselage of Air FU Canada. I was officially out of Las Vegas. My trip was done.

I had a few goals this trip and I'd met many of them. I'd wanted a decent win at the tables, and boy, I knocked that one out of the park with a $475 craps win and numerous other table games wins.

I'd gotten my ass totally kicked at my signature video poker.

But more importantly, I found myself on an even keel, with a song in my heart.

When I arrived in Vegas I was worn down, worn out, feeling hopeless. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. But due to circumstances, I went through with various meetups, and as I picked up steam, accepted additional invitations. I also met some people through happenstance.

And what I found was many new friends and wonderful people. The kind of people that will lift your spirits. The kind of people that will accept you for the jerk that you are. The kind of people that will buy you things.

I think I even made some real friendships this trip, that will last for many trips to come.

I got free candy from a cocktail waitress.

I had a Pearl Harbour survivor share his first-hand memories with me.

And as my trip went on, I had chances to give as well. Calling back a guy who'd left a $20 bill in the machine. Giving change to the homeless and looking them in they eye to ask, "How are you doing?"

(Still haunted by the answer.)

Sharing a comp to the utterly awful 'Kahuna Vile' with a new-found Flusher friend.

Yeah, out of 43 trips, I think I connected with more people on this trip than ever before, and I found this all made me feel pretty goddamned good.

By the numbers, here we go:

After 12 days of thrashing, drinking, eating, gambling, smoking cigars, hugging strangers, handing out business cards, hassling cocktail waitresses, making irreverant and offensive drunken statements to all within earshot....

VP: day ($-40) trip ($-1670)
BJ: day 0 trip +$530
Craps: day 0 trip +$565

Overall total: $-575 loss.

Comps:


fq nights 150
fq freeplay 80
fq cashback 33
fq freeplay 200
ti resort fee 60
ti buffets 55
ti coffee shop 40
ti kahunaville 50
ti freeplay 10
mgm freeplay 25
mgm buffet 30
ti host credit 60
cal 5 nights 300
cal all meals 160
El Co freeplay 25
BJ comp 15
FQ freeplay 80

Total: $1,373 in comps.

Well, those aren't bad numbers. One little Royal Flush, even Aces with Kicker, and it would be a winning or at least a free trip.

I guess there's only one thing to do.

And that's to do it again.

The Royal Flusher Way!





fin


Monday, November 5, 2012

How do you dress a Meatsicle on hallowe'en?

Well, I was down to it.

Last night. Hallowe'en night

Only down about $500 on the trip.

No Royal Flush. No Aces with Kicker.

I met up with the stumbling people from Blonde's board again and VPSue and I enjoyed another round of Boar's Head Bar, VP, drinks, service from Kelly, and fine cigars. How does it get any better?

The folks were heading off to the Plaza next, so I tagged along and a bunch of us commandeered our very own blackjack table. I started out cold, and then got hot, and by the time we left, after 45 minutes or so, I'd doubled my $100 buy-in. Another blackjack win.

This trip has been insane on the table games - I haven't checked but I think I had only one losing BJ session.

The stumblers headed off to see the Hallowe'en parade and I stumbled off to play some Treasure Chest, back at Main St.

I hit a quad and picked a chest - the usual, and the lowest, $35. The scratch card was the usual, and the lowest, $2.

The progressive on the bank of Double Double bonus machines was up there and I committed $100 to it. After some time I was dealt this nice little quad:

 I held the fours and I held my breath as I drew for the kicker - an Ace, 2 or 3 and I'd have a $200 hand...

Jack kicked me in the balls instead of a kicker.
It's cool in Vegas at Hallowe'en. People are dressed up.

Cocktail waitresses are dressed up...

...and some of them look amazing.

I swung back to the Cal and one of the CWs was dressed as a Hawaiian Marilyn Monroe. She looked stunning. She looked so good as Marilyn Monroe that I wanted to blow up her dress.

You know, like a vent. In that picture. The famous one.

Another of my favorite servers at the Cal had lovely blue hair for some reason, and another one looked extremely cute, dressed in whiskers and leopard print, as a cat.

I said "Hi" to the blue haired server and looked at her associate.

"Nice pussy," I said suavely. The savvy gambler is never at a loss for appropriate words.

"What are you dressed as," I said to the leopard printed feline.

"I'm a dog. And I bite."

"Mmmmm...." I said. I was quickly getting a new favorite animal waitress.

We chatted a bit and I managed to get things on a more businesslike keel.

"You aren't a dog, you're a cat. You have cat ears."

Really, it was a nice chat, and really, she gave me some candy. Genuine cocktail waitress Hallowe'en candy.
Another kindness extended to The Flusher.
I felt very warm inside, until I realized that, in 5 minutes, I'd blown through $30 while getting two Absoluts and trying to see if the kitty costume was 'sheer' or not.

Okay, change of plans. I'd buffet-surf the casino.

Put $5 into DDB. And this is the way it goes. I worked that up to $43.75 (no quads) and played 15 minutes of 800 hand an hour VP on it. Ended up at zero just the same, but that's gambling value right there!

I played various games, and I played various slots. The long and short of it was that I played about two hours and when my $260 was gone, so was I.

The last shot was $40 on $10 a hand VP. I got a full house on that, working up to $90 on the meter, but I was going for it. I wanted a big win to make this trip a winner. And it wasn't going to happen. And it didn't happen.

I still had one thing going for me though. Going back to the hot kitty-cat cocktail waitress??? She'd given me candy all right, but what she didn't know was.... I had a meatsicles for two waiting back in my in-room fridge.

Yeah, okay, so my last dinner in Vegas was cold, left-over Le Thai meatsicles. But you know what, they were good. And so was the green curry. Even cold.

The next morning, I had a few hours and then it was off to the plane for 11:45am. The trip was almost in the books. I called Presidential and reserved a limo for 9:00am.

By the numbers:

VP: day ($-260) trip ($-1630) <-- bad="bad" holy="holy" is="is" p="p" shit="shit" that="that">BJ: +100 trip +530
Craps: 0 +565

Total: trip ($-535)

If I didn't do something stupid tomorrow, a $535 loss wasn't too damn bad for 12 days in Vegas.

Well we'd just see, wouldn't we.





I Love Le Thai - there, I said it.

Carry-on luggage...

A couple of days ago, I was extremely excited to find out that my clean clothing inventory was in pretty good shape. I had two pairs of clean Mark's Work Wearhouse Stay-dri Ballsnappr(TM) underwear, and I still had a clean shirt, with one evening and one long day to go.

I'd showered ahead of the redeye trip home and when my trip got extended due to Sandy I immediately took action.

I put back on the dirty shirt I'd had on before the shower, even though I'd worn it for 2.83 days already. This was an Emergency! I had to preserve my resources!

As mentioned, I coddled myself with one of the two spare pairs of gotch, but the sock situation was bad. I'd already burned through my last pair of socks.

Doing my best Survivorman impression, I improvised. I located the least disgusting pair of casino/bar/men's room mistake socks, and placed them over the A/C unit, which I then cranked up as high as it would go. They floated there on a cushion of freshening air and I'd felt pretty smug.

And so it was that on my last full day, and last Sandy Bonus day in Vegas, I thought, yeah, I deserve better. I should take better care of myself.

So I went with a lower budget ($260) to keep the trip from going on tilt and becoming a $1000 loser, and headed for breakfast at the Main Street Station buffet. I used points to get in and loaded up a plate with a healthy mix of things including.... FRUIT.

Yes, fruit, healthful fruit - a banana on top of a single waffle, lightly buttered, with non-sugar syrup, some strawberries, and fried potatoes with a dollop of country fried throw-up gravy from their conveniently placed self-server 'vat o' throw-up' right next to Manny's egg station. ("Hey rock star, I was just theeeking about you...")

Everyone should start the day with a pint or so of throw-up gravy!
Norbert had managed to screw up some more things on the size 77 Euro-grommet line back home at North American Veeblefetzer. He was pretty mad apparently, having gotten scalded during the steam cleaning that Jimmy Poon recommended to get the all-purpose heavy-duty grommet line grease off of his little norbert.

So, it was a quick shot at Double Double Bonus for me (-$40) and a $20 Keno ticket and back on the phone to the plant from my room.

I took time out to meet up with some fine folks from the Las Vegas 4 Ever message board. They were in the process of a downtown casino by casino all-day stumble, which in my view, is extremely admirable. One of the ideas was to do a group high-limit slot pull at the Golden Nugget with everyone putting in $25. I got there too late to participate, but its just as well - they'd gotten blown out, unfortunately.

I got to meet a nice fellow, goes by the name of Rambler. Rambler shook my hand and said it was great to meet me. I gave him one of my patented business cards and he shook my hand and said thanks. We chatted for a while and I said I was heading out, maybe grab a Starbucks on the way back to the room. Rambler shook my hand goodbye, and then said, hey, I'll get your coffee. And he did.

He got me a really tasty tall Starbucks latte with a shot of vanilla, and I got to meet a few more of Blonde's board folks. We all sat down and Rambler introduced me around. We all shook hands. Including Rambler. Sadly, soon it was time for me to get back on the phone to the plant. Rambler shook hands with me goodbye - for real, this time - and I was on my way.

I have to say, honestly, it is a treat to meet folks like Rambler who enjoy the words I spout on this blog and have the good heart to tell me so, with a big genuine smile, and treat me to a coffee. There's no need to do that, of course, except just wanting to, and wanting to be a generous fellow. I gladly accepted the hospitality. It was one more little pebble on the scale that was tipping towards a total Vegas heart reboot.

I told Rambler that there were a lot of other things I needed, and maybe he could also buy those things for me, but I think he didn't quite hear me, as he sort of edged away and was lost in the crowded din of Fremont. Those folks had to continue stumbling, and I had to get on the goddamned Flusher Fone.

I managed to get Norbert straightened out - again - and it became lunch time. I scooted straight down Stewart Street on a beautiful day - just stunning, sunny, maybe 77 degrees. Checked out the ex-Lady Luck and hey - they were doing something. Yes, they had gutted the casino. Finally things are really happening, and I'm excited about a new downtown destination coming on board.

Clearing the casino of the Downtown Grand
I was lucky enough to bump into one of the management team of Fifth St. Gaming - the VP of Marketing, no less. We had a great chat about the prospects downtown and we both agree that the tone of the place is about to change forever, and for the better. He understood that downtown needs to maintain feet in two camps - that value oriented vintage vibe, and a new, fresh, youthful, enthusiastic, more upscale appeal. When Zappos comes in, and other changes happen, things are really going to be different.

As you may recall, El Cortez has been stiffing me with casino rate offers, when I used to be comped up front. So, I stiffed them this trip. This was my one and only visit, and I used my freeplay and the other freeplay/points play available to me (ahem) and I'm glad to say, left the building $20 richer than when I went in. Honestly, I love the El Co and I'm sure we will make up soon.

Just as soon as they start sending me offers for free shit again.

Lunch on the back terrace at Le Thai, just kitty-corner from the El Co.

I can't say enough about the food here. It was a perfect afternoon, and I ordered their exotic delicacy which the Thai call 'chicken satay' - loosely translated this means, in English, "Meatsicle".
Chicken Satay - for 8.
There was easily enough clucking protein for an entire meal, but I'd also ordered one of the lunch specials - which the Thai call 'chicken with green curry'. Loosely translated, this means, in English, 'chicken with green curry'.


The meal was excellent as usual, so excellent that I brought it back to the room to join the (now) 4 day old chicken with penne pasta in the in-room fridge.

But enough of that... my last night in Vegas beckoned like one of those buffet seating persons. "Over here! Yoo hooooo.... Table for one, loser!"





Saturday, November 3, 2012

Tilt

I sat in the room and went over the figures.

I'd lost 400 in VP and won 100 in BJ. That put my trip losses at a respectable -555. I had one full day left in Vegas, plus the morning of my flight home. I could easily hit the -1000 mark if I had another bad day of video poker.

I did some blogging and finished that up.

I smiled warmly at the thought of Norbert trying to clean industrial-grade heavy grease off of his girly-nipples.

And I thought... there's a crap games just 8 floors below your room. You could be there in one minute. When do you ever have the chance to just go an play craps?

And I thought... I some day want to live in a Vegas hotel.

And I thought... fuck it. I grabbed $300 from my stash and headed downstairs.

Well, the craps was a bust. Everytime I got something going, I got wiped off. I had that feeling of desperation, I needed a win. And scared money never wins.

I seesawed between my $100 buy-in and $50. I'd claw back, get up, get it on the felt and lose it.

Finally I just walked away, down 50 clams.

I carefully tried $20 in a VP machine. Nothing. Found some other game, put $20 in. Got four to a Royal. Would this be the moment the trip turned into a winning one? Nothing.

Tried $20 in Giant's Gold so I could hear the Fee Fi Fo Fum bonus round song. Nothing. No song.

Okay, so blackjack had been good to me, I took my $50 in chips and played blackjack. And of course, everything went wrong.

Took my last few chips and tried roulette, trying to capture the magic of that win the other day. In my head I'm thinking, "Why are you doing this? Stop! You know you are going to lose." And my head was right (for a change).

I was in the process of polishing the end of my trip to a stinking shitty lustre.

I needed - NEEDED - a big hand, a big turnaround. I knew I was on tilt and headed for a -700 day without it.

In my head I rehearsed how I would tell Mrs. Flusher about my big win, how I would blog about it, how there would be paperwork and tips to pay and music playing and how smart and smug and relieved I'd feel when it happened. Because I had just slipped $100 in to Double Double Bonus and was playing $5 a hand.

Well, of course I was dealt 3 Aces twice and didn't get it. Dealt lots of 3s of a kind that I didn't get. It was all over in the traditional honeymoon night 7 minutes.

I was well and truly on tilt.

The last of my cash, $20 I think, went into yet another machine. I knew the feeling. It would be triumph, or most likely, a depressed slinking back to the room to curse at myself.

Play quarter Bonus Poker. It's safe. You could get on a run of hands. Stay away from the high-octanes stuff. Make the smart play.

I punched up 50-cent Double Double Bonus and started playing.

Played it down. Last hand, got something. Last hand, got a full house. THANK YOU. Can still play. Kept playing... Hey, a quad!!! Now I've got some running room with $140 on the meter. I should cash out at $100, cut my losses. Get to $100. I'll cash out at $80. Get to $80. One more hand. Win. Work it back up to $110. I should cash out at $100, cut my losses. Get to $100. Keep playing. I'll cash out at $80. Cut my losses. Just a couple more hands, get back up to $100...

Held two deuces. Ding ding ding. Got two more deuces and the kicker. Oh fuck, YEAH! Saved my night, improved my day, by Norberts greased balls, it was a wonderful moment.

I'd left my phone in the room and by the time I got it back down to the machine, the hand was played off by some 18 year old with a one dollar cashout ticket. So no picture.

But I do have this:


Oh sweet redemption. I pulled it from the fire. I'd eradicated my losses for the tilt session, and most of my losses for the day.

And here's the numbers for my penultimate, and bonus, day:

VP: day (-120) trip (-1370)
BJ: day +50 trip +430
Craps: day -50 day +565

Trip total: (-375)

Down $375 after 10 days with one and a bit more to go. I breathed a sign of relief, wrapped my pork in some leaves for the night, and went to bed.





Check the George box please

I started to play blackjack (or '21', as those 'in the know' call it) and I drifted down to about 3 chips left. $15 bucks to play with.

And then I started to win some and ordered a beer and it looked like I'd be there a while. After 20 minutes, another couple of players bought in and the pit boss collected players cards. I handed mine in to, claiming that I forgot.

It's a good thing because the session stretched on and on.

The relief dealer was an interesting, vexing, pouty, funny woman named 'Vy'. It was impossible to tell her nationality. With heavy mascara, I thought she looked gypsy or like she was from the middle east.

A know-it-all player to my left got in a conversation and it turned out that Vy is from Cambodia.

"I taught in Cambodia blah blah embassy blah blah, what happened to blah blah place?" said know-it-all-byotch.

"When I was farming olives in Jordan blah blah..." said know-it-all-byotch.

"Oh, yes, I've been to Rio, worked there for six months teaching the Rios how to tie their g-string blah blah..."

"You've been to a lot," said Vy.

"Oh yes," said know-it-all-byotch, "I've been to a lot of places all around the world."

The table went silent.

I piped up loudly and helpfully, "I've been to Las Vegas!"

The table erupted in laughter and we all won a lot of money, all except know-it-all-byotch of course.

I had a lot of fun chatting with the pit boss. She was hilarious and clearly thought I was amusing.

I'd bet $10 and a dollar for the dealer, and as she walked by, I'd point at the table and say, "Hey, go on your computer and click the 'George' checkbox, I'm bettin' big for the crew here."

I'd talk about my 'high roller' action - which ranged as high as $15 to $20 a hand. I'd tell her to get off Facebook on her computer and do some work.

It was a lot of fun and the session stretched on to the 3 hour mark. I'd gotten up to $150 and all the way down to $20, and was on my way back up. I thought I'd see if I could get something to eat. Caught her eye and made sad-face-sore-tummy pantomimes. She came over.

"What's the problem?"

"I'm so hungry! I need to go eat!"

"Okay, go. Enjoy your dinner!"

I knew she'd cover me and when I got up after 3 1/2 hours she asked me what I wanted. I just went for buffet, because that's what I wanted.

So. $40 buy-in. Colored up $140. Three and a half hours of play. Comp buffet. I was pleased. Plus, there was a huge line-up at the buffet, which I got to skip, because of my comp. Triple win.

After dinner, I had a few drinks and some VP. Lost $20 here. Lost $100 on 50 cent Double Double there, in all of 7 minutes. Uh oh.

Tried a dollar slot over at the Cal. It had been good to me before and only took $2 a pull. Lost $100 there.

I wasn't hitting anything. I tried $100 in Double Double and no quads. Shit. My VP budget for the day was decimated in about an hour. Actually, decimated implies reduction by a tenth. This was decimated by an order of magnitude.

My $400 VP stop loss limit came into effect and I retired to the room with a $10 keno ticket. You can't win all the time, and when you are in a losing streak frame of mind, stop playing, right?

You don't go back down to the casino and dip into your next day's budget, right?

You don't.

Right?

...






You have to lubricate

Woke up on Bonus Day number one, Tuesday, feeling great. I'd gone through the 'I'm leaving Vegas' denial, bargaining, anger and depression stages, and at the last minute, Governor Air FU Canada gave me a reprieve.

Instead of blowing $10 at the bar to get a coffee like I did the day before, I strolled (triumphantly) to the escalator and went upstairs to Lapperts to get a latte on bConned points. They make a pretty good latte and the staff, as it is everywhere at the Cal, is friendly. I also picked up another new Hawaiian treat to try - a Malasada.

I took my breakfast back to the room, and grabbed a 40 game 50-cent Keno ticket on the way, so I could be in action in my room while I ate.

The Malasada looks like a scrumptious ball of deep-fried dough slathered with sugar. Upon tasting it, however, I found that the Malasada is actually a scrumptious ball of deep-fried dough slathered with sugar. These could become addictive very easily.

Just as I was about to head out to gamble, the flusher fone rang its custom ring-tone. What I heard was the bellow of a Canadian female moose in heat.

That meant Norbert (that self-important shmuck who married the plant owner's daughter) was calling - no doubt because he didn't have any clue how to fix the continuing problems on the size 77 Euro-grommet line back at North American Veeblefetzer.

Sure enough, I spent all morning, and a good part of the afternoon explaining how to lubricate the line's springenwerks. Springenwerk ball bearings have to be lubricated regularly but they are hard to get at, being located underneath the support legs of the grommet line, below the collector bin, on the conveyor system. And, like all heavy machinery, there were grease nipples that had to be lubricated as well.

Good thing I had my 40 game keno ticket to make the morning slightly bearable.

"Norbert, you have to lubricate."

"Lubricate. Right."

"Get a tube of the all purpose grommet line grease - the thick, heavy, smelly stuff. Jimmy Poon knows where it is. Load it in the grease gun hanging on the peg board. It's the thing that looks like the illegal Uzi you have at your Norbert mansion to keep robbers from breaking in and playing with your model train layout in the basement or from making wienerschnitzel with your wife."

"Funny. Got it right here, Flusher."

"Okay. Now listen. You've got to reach up between the legs and get it on the balls, really good. Really grease them up. Once you think you have enough grease on the balls, get some back between the legs and behind the balls. There's a crack there that has to be thoroughly covered, or you'll have squeaking, rubbing, and chafing, and then the grommets won't drop out, or if they do, they'll be mis-shaped. Then find the nipples and fit the end of the grease gun over them and give each one a good squirt. There should be two of them, a ways above the balls. Let that soak in and give each nipple another squirt or two."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Norbert listen to me. You have to lubricate your balls if you want your grommets. You don't want this order of size 77 Euro-grommets to be late, do you???"

"But... I don't know... I'm not sure I want to do all that."

"Norbert. We're going to lose this order if you don't lubricate like I told you. You might miss a payment on your Ferrari and they could repossess it. That means you lose the Backstreet Boys channel on your XM radio. You don't want to lose the Backstreet Boys, now do you?"

"No... I guess not."

"Okay. Then get cracking."

Norbert slammed the phone down with an ear-deafening thunk and then I could hear some voices in the background.

Then Jimmy Poon got on the line.

"Hey Royal!"

'"Jimmy! That you?"

"Yeah, you having a good time in Vegas, eh?'

"Great time Jimmy. I had a Malasada for breakfast."

"Never heard of a Malasada. What is it? It sounds like a scrumptious ball of deep-fried dough slathered with sugar."

"It is Jimmy. That's exactly what it is."

"Hey Royal?... Norbert just took the loaded grease gun with him to the Executive Washroom."

I headed out for lunch and took a quick VP break, hitting this nice straight flush:

I decided to try yet another new to me Hawaiian specialty - which was the special, which I could get free with my Aloha! hospitality coupon book. It was called Chicken Longrice with Lau Lau.
 I asked about what it was, heard something about ginger broth and pork and said, sure I'd give it a try.

The broth thing was amazing. A gingery broth with all kinds of prizes including pieces of chicken. Absolutely delicious. The 'longrice' was vermicelli noodles. Now the name made sense.


Then the leaves arrived. Clearly, the Lau Lau meant some kind of meat - probably pork, since she'd said it was pork - wrapped up in backyard compost leaves.

The server dropped it off and said wisely, "You don' eat tha leaves. Eat inside tha leaves, no the leaves." Well, no shit. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't eat any kind of leaf. (Unless it is a bay leaf.)

I started poking around inside the leaves and came up with a hunk of salty pork that tasted like a fish loading dock in the hot summer sun. I ate it but I didn't want to. Which begs the question, why did I eat it.

I don't actually know why. I guess I didn't want to offend the Aloha spirit Gods.

I went back up to the room and spent half an hour calming down a screaming Norbert while Jimmy Poon lubricated the grommet line. They knew all along what was wrong, they were just taking the piss. I managed to get off the phone and get down to Main Street Station for some blackjack.

I bought in for $40 and didn't bother giving my players card in. My plan was to try to make a quick hit and a big profit on a minimal buy-in and I didn't want it on my rating.