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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hello Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer

Yes it has finally happened. The pesky Belgians got together with the crafty South Koreans and purchased North American Veeblefetzer. Well, actually, they purchased the grommet production division of North American Veeblefetzer, where I have slaved for the man churning out size 7 grommets (and now size 77 Euro grommets) for God knows how many years.

That kiss ass traitor Norbert gathered all employees into the cafeteria at the end of the day Friday.

They had some sort of projector connected to a computer and Norbert fumbled his way through a really lame PowerPoint. The first screen said "North American Veeblefetzer ceases to exist immediately!"

There were a few screams in the crowd lots of swearing and some of the secretaries looked faint. People were already trying to borrow money from each other to pay next weeks rent.

The projector image went completely purple and Norbert messed with it interminably with the help of a couple of his kiss-ass minions while the crowd muttered and swore under their breaths at him. He finally got it working properly again so we could see the text and he went on to the second slide of his lame PowerPoint.

The second slide said "You all Still HAve Job's!"

Norbert stumbled through some introductions of the pesky Belgians and crafty South Koreans who were standing on the sidelines. A couple of the hot secretaries from the front office went down the aisles, handing out books from a cart.

"What the fuck is this?" said Kenny Blankenship, pulling at where his earlobe used to be. Kenny lost both earlobes in separate industrial accidents.

I took one of the books.

Everyone received a copy of "Who Killed My Mouse?", the latest and hottest self-help pseudo pop psychology books. The front cover had a bunch of high-falutin' text on it and was emblazoned with a picture of a dead mouse, while the back cover featured a hungry-looking cat looking around for its hidden dinner.

The point of it apparently was to get us to bend over and accept complete upheaval and disaster without complaint.

Norbert asked us if anyone had questions. People started yelling shit out.

"When do the grief counselors get here?"

"When do the layoffs start?"

"How much did you take to sell out, you dick?"

Norbert almost lost control of the room. The Belgians gazed boredly at us while the South Koreans looked a little bit scared.

One of the Belgians came up to the podium. He spoke calmly and explained that no one would lose their jobs. He explained that they did not anticipate cutting wages. You could have heard a pin drop. He explained that the books were ours to keep and that we should read them over the weekend. That's when Jimmy Poon let a loud fart go.

The room erupted just after Jimmy did and the pesky Belgians looked nervous.

"There is one more thing," the pesky Belgian said.

"We have purchased this division from North American Veeblefetzer. We intend to keep production here in Canada. The Flusherville plant will remain open. The new company will be renamed."

The final PowerPoint slide flashed onto the screen.

Apparently between the pesky Belgians and the crafty South Koreans the only common ground that they could find was that they all liked the idea of Mounties.

And so we found out that our beloved company would be known from this day forth as...

Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer





Monday, January 14, 2013

Big News Brewing

Well, there is huge news brewing here in Flusherville.

New year, so many changes...

First of all, I'm really excited to tell you that I've decided to bring on one guest blogger in 2013.

His trip write-ups make me laugh out loud. I've gotten pulled over numerous times alone in the 86 Tercel just thinking about them and laughing, all by myself.

The very first guest blog trip report will be coming very soon - like, some number of days. Which could be a pretty small number, or a pretty big number. But its days, believe me.

I know you will really enjoy his trip report, so c'mon back around and check for it in the coming, well, you know, days.

Now the second bit of business.

I have been doing some sleuthing around North American Veeblefetzer. I could tell that that milque-toast toady Norbert was up to no good when a rented limo pulled up the other day.
Norbert flounced his way out to the limo, Big Bertha 3-wood in hand (since he was just in from hitting golf balls off the employees cars in parking lot #6), and gave his Magnum P.I. porn-stache a tweek, and helped a limo-full of Belgians, who looked typically pesky, out of the 42 foot long car.

He gave them his typical slab of uncooked halibut granny-shake one after the other.

I have nothing against the Belgians.

I love their waffles. They perfected the art of having a waffle with oversize holes. Those suckers are butter/syrup crevasses.

But these Belgians were in suits. And looked officious. And looked at the plant, the surroundings, the roof, everything - on the way in to the executive offices of the grommet factory where I work cranking out Size 77 Euro metric grommets.

And the next thing, another limo pulled up. Norbert hiked up his skin tight vintage beltless Gloria Vanderbilts so that his package protruded even more than usual (think, two rolls of gym socks and a couple of kiwis) and greeted a limo-full of South Koreans, distinguished by the light scent of kimchee on their breath. (I was downwind of these jokers.)

That night I confessed my deepest darkest fears to the Quad Queen, who works in the Estimatin' Department.

"Quad queen, I have to confess my deepest darkest fears..." I said gravely.

"You think you might have a thing for Richard Simmons???"

"No, something deeper and darker and worse than that."

"Well?... what is it?"

"I think that Norbert is selling out North American Veeblefetzer to an international consortium," I said. My face was stone.

"Good God!!!! Not the pesky Belgians and the crafty South Koreans!!!!!"

"I think so."

"That's not actually worse than having a thing for Richard Simmons."

Well it turns out that Mrs. Flusher was asked to pretty much spend the entire day hunched over the Xerox 3100-X Docu-Spew Paper Pro copier, churning out ream after ream of legalese...

"I can't really tell you what the contracts said, but the words 'purchase of North American Veeblefetzer' figured strongly in all of them," she warned.

We talked about it more, and what it would mean for us if they sold off, or worse, shut down, the plant.We talked about it more, and what it would mean for us if they sold off, or worse, shut down, the plant.

One thing is for certain - tomorrow is promised to no-one. Even if that no-one is a grommet plant in Flusherville, Ontario.One thing is for certain - tomorrow is promised to no-one. Even if that no-one is a grommet plant in Flusherville, Ontario.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

Put Your NiPads On

It's a new year. I look at it positively - this is a whole new set of chances to fuck up.

I'm writing this from something that is new and baffling to me. 

You see, on Christmas morning, I woke up and there were the following items in my stocking:

- a bottle of Jack
- a couple of candy canes
- a puzzle with a dog on it that resembles pretty closely our faithful and somewhat smart dog Chippy
- a tube of 'Maintain' - I'm not sure what Santa is thinking here
- a slab of 'high impact polystyrene' with a sort of shiny glass front that shows ever fingerprint you haphazardly put on it

This last item is my new tablet. I know you are all jealous - the Quad Queen got me a brand new refurb NiPad.

It's pretty sweet. You drag your fingers along it and things flash and move and shit. It's got a full 50 Mb of 'Random Axis Mammaries' whatever that means. Reminds me of some of the older women at bingo night at the legion.

This thing is a lot lighter than the diesel powered Video Poker WinSimulator 3000 featuring WinPoker (which also does email) that I've been carting to Vegas.

And it runs WinPoker. And does email too.

So this sleek little machine is going to be what I take to Vegas instead of carting around all that other equipment. It's going to be great... I hope.

Making typey-typey on the NiPad's touchscreen takes forever. So I bought an accessory - a wireless keyboard dealy that makes it a lot easier to type. It uses some kind of tooth protocol to talk to the NiPad.

Anyway, I thought I'd give it a whirl - this blog entry is being created on my new setup.

And so far, so good.

Now on to more exciting things...

Sent from my NiPad