Beulah, Hand Me My Four Queens Nutsack

Day 4 - Thursday - part 1

I'm in the midst of an ongoing battle with the Jacks or Better video poker at the Four Queens. For $10K coin in per day each we started getting $300 freeplay offers every two months. These offers included all meals plus $150 at Hugo's Cellar. And a suite. It took a couple of rounds of playing at that level for the computers to catch up to us.

The idea is that in the long run, we should do just fine playing this 99.54% return game, when you include the value of the freeplay and the cashback that you generate - around $31 per $10K of play.

This limited edition business card may still be there.

There are three problems with this scenario. One, it took a number of heavy days of play to get established at this level. Two, the offer levels are finicky. If you mess up your daily coin in average, your offers can drop dramatically. And to this end, we have not consistently had the $300 offer. Which is aggravating.

Third, in the last year or so, the Four Queens has tightened things up, making me wonder if I really want to do this.

My goal is not to be an advantage player. But this was one play that seemed worth pursuing. However...

When the Quad Queen's March/April offer dropped to $200 freeplay, and then my May/June offer unexpectedly dropped from $300 to $200 this spring, I was pissed. We'd done the $10K a day and a bit more on the last trip. What was going on???

On the advice of Turbospeed, I got on the blower to a host (Nicky the Chameleon) and he explained that the $300 offer level requirement had gone from a $10K a day coin in average to $12K a day. That's a 20% increase. And, according to the computer, I'd missed the level by about $100 in coin in. Presumably the same thing had happened to the Quad Queen.

But that's not all - the offers no longer include the $150 Hugo's meal, and food (which had included room service) for the stay. Now you get a $50 comp dollar voucher. That's a huge drop. Meanwhile, you earn comp dollars on your play at the rate of $62 per $10K of coin in.

Nicky the Chameleon said to go ahead and book and he'd fix it for me so I got the $300 in freeplay for May/June instead of $200. That sounded good to me and I booked.

Let's look at the old offer versus the new.

Old: $300 freeplay, $150 Hugo's, Magnolia's/Chicago Brewing/Room Service (call it $200 worth). Cost $30K coin in over three days. Expected loss $150 with perfect play. Total value $650 plus suite.

New: $300 freeplay, $50 Magnolia's only voucher. Cost $36K coin in over three days. For that you earn $225 in comp dollars that you can use for food. Expected loss $180 with perfect play. Total value $575 plus suite.

I know what you are thinking - this is still a fantastic deal. Well, except for one thing. Reality. First, it takes you a couple of trips to get established at this level, so on those trips you don't get anywhere near what your play warrants. Second, that is perfect perfect play on 9/6 Jacks and it includes getting the commensurate number of Royal Flushes with your play.

Without the Royal, you are down to say 97.5%. Add some mistakes and you are at 97%. And that's without variance - you could be unlucky...

So now the comparative costs of the offers are six times higher, or $900 for the old one (value $650 plus suite) and $1080 for the new one (value $575 plus suite).

I've had days where I've skated through $10K a day and made a few hundred, or lost only one or two hundred. And I've also had those disaster days where I've dropped $1000 on $10K of coin in at Jacks. It happens.

And it's not easy doing $10K of play on the Jacks or Better uprights they've got. It's a test of skill, patience, pain tolerance and endurance. Thank God they no longer play 'The Blend' off of Sirius for music.

I was really pissed when both our offers dropped for May/June to $200. They'd changed the requirements without telling us, which I suppose is to be expected, since they are not published anywhere. But still, how about a heads up?

As mentioned, my host said he would fix my offer. We'd see.

This brings me back to the other part of this... it's only worth it to me if we are getting Royals enough so that we don't get slaughtered on the play. All other things considered, the Four Queens is not the fanciest hotel around. It's worn. It's what you'd call 'serviceable'. The best assets they have are the video poker, and their staff. The food at Magnolia's is pretty good, the pizza at Chicago Brewing Company is excellent, and the meals at Hugo's are outstanding... except they aren't comped anymore.

Part of being a degenerate video poker nut like myself is to take the time to work around all the parameters of these offers to see what risk they have and what rewards. Is it worth it? In an effort to be savvy I like to lay it all out in the blog as I have above, to see if I can make sense of what I want to do.

The next three days are going to be a battle. Because I am here solo, to maintain both my and the QQ's offers, I have to play for both of us, assuming I am going to blow through her freeplay, which of course I am going to do. That means $12K coin-in on my card and $12K coin-in on hers for the first two days. The third day I need to do my own $12K coin-in only. That's $60K of coin-in and I'm not sure the risks are worth the diminished rewards.

There is a terrible hard truth to all of this. I'm kind of dancing around the facts of the case. All of this only works only if I get some dollar Royals at the Four Queens.

Because, the thing is... I've never had one. Not once. Not ever. All this screwing around, maybe a quarter mil in coin-in between us... and I've never had a dollar Royal at the Four Queens. And neither has QQ. For this to make any kind of sense, I must get one. Or more than one. And there is just no way of knowing if it will happen.

It also didn't help that so far this trip, I've pretty much been nosing my way deeper and deeper into the warm dumper of loser-shitville. (That means I've lost way too much money for little useful return, by the way.)

But, I'll try, see how it goes, and maybe I can get through this without getting my nutsack handed to me.

The Make or Break Session

Day 3 - Wednesday - part 6

Feeling uppity, I decided to do my daily play on the $25 a hand 9/6 Jacks or Better at the Nugget. And I happened to notice, on those machines, they screw you on points. It takes $25 to get a point on them, instead of the usual $10. It's hard out there, for a Flusher, with crap like that.

I facetimed the Quad Queen so she could play along. It worked, and was kind of fun, but also distracting. I really didn't want to make a stupid mistake at $25 a hand.

Well, the high stakes play was uneventful. I was zero for two in that endeavor, but still feeling puffed of chest. The day was a huge success already, compared to everything that had come before it this trip.

This called for a decent dinner. It was still fairly early and I figured I could get a table at Grotto, the Italian place at the Nugget, without a reservation. I'd never dined here. Or anything else, for that matter.

Read my review of Grotto on Royal Flusher World.

Here's a sneak preview.

Grotto - it's all about the dessert cart.

The setting was wonderful. I got one of the tables with a pool view (which can work for or against you), sat with a glass of wine or two and relaxed.

After dinner, I hit the lucky triple-play machines outside the Spa tower elevators again, but this time, their luck fled me. Fortunately, I was drilling test holes and didn't go stupid down.

Then it was on to the bar. I texted the Quad Queen, "This is the make or break session for the day."

And it was. I was up $240 on the day. I'd either win or break even on the day on this next session (and yes, I was willing to quit just to break even, if that's what it took). God knows I needed to chalk up a winner.

I played at the bar, strict rules of parlay. Had a few drinks. Played some video poker. Enjoyed being in Vegas, at a bar, in the middle of things, playing video poker. Damn it felt good.

I parlayed up, lost. Started again, parlayed up, lost. I did okay, having a nice time and getting some quads but it came down to I had my last $100 of profit left in my wallet, plus the original $200 stake from the day.

What would a Flusher do? Go for broke? Balls to the wall? Where had that gotten me. Was I losing my nerve, or was I being savvy?

I pocketed the hundy and went to bed a winner.

What a day! I haven't counted carefully, but I hit around 30 quads. And a straight flush. Damn you Vegas, from one extreme to the other. You just don't make it simple, do you!

Day: +$100
Trip: -$2100

Finding Freeplay at the Downtown Grand

Day 3 - Wednesday - part 5

Happy with my quadstravaganza, I wandered down Fremont, thinking I'd take some pictures. But there were actually no pictures I really wanted to take. I'm so done with the bare-assed and saggy titted tip beggars on Fremont. So I took no pictures, but I did burn out a few retinal cells gazing on these people that have been plucked from Walmart where they had a shopping cart stacked full of on-sale Pepsi and cartons of Ding Dongs and maybe a box of Red Man chewing tobacco, had their nipples covered with My Little Pony stickers, had a dental floss thong shoved between their ass cheeks, and been stuck out on Fremont street to get tips from people who are taking pictures of them because they are 'laughing at' not 'laughing with'.

Yup, I'm done with it.

My destination was the Downtown Grand where I had a mission, which was to see why I never got mailers or offers. I have heard amazing stories of other folks getting tons of free play from them but I never get any communication at all. I aimed to fix that.

First stop, though, the bar.

I lost twenty bucks but got an ice-cold Lucky Heineken, served by an angel in black denim and black t-shirt. An angel who brought me cold beer.

"Thanks for the beer, Black Angel," I said, dropping a couple of bucks into the tip glass.

Changed machines (because drill test holes!!!) and slid the glass over with me.

Groaned a little because I only had a $100 and promised to myself I would cash out after $20 of play if the test hole came up dry.

Well guess what, about $10 in, didn't I hold a single lone Ace and get four of 'em? (No kicker though.)

Another shot of the Aces. Because you can never get enough Aces.

I know what you are thinking. THOSE ACES ARE SEQUENTIAL!!! WHY WEREN'T YOU PLAYING DOUBLE BONUS POKER PLUS???

I played for a while longer and cashed out my ticket, and headed to the players club booth and had a talk with Maple Glazed Mary. The convo went like this.

"I don't get any offers. Can you fix it?"

"I'm not sure I can."

"Can I talk to a host then? Or someone who can look in the system?"

"There's a host on duty. You can call them."

She hands me his card.

"Is he here, this host?"

"Yes. But not here."

"But is he here... like in this building somewhere? Somewhere where you could call him and he could come here?"

"You can call him."

"Ok, no, you call him."

She dials. She hands the phone to me. It goes to voicemail.

"It's voicemail. Look, can you get someone here who can look into this? I don't get offers. I think something's wrong with my address."

"OK, maybe that guy next to me can help, he runs the systems here."

Hallelujah.

I decided to cut her some slack. She was probably new. Some people haven't figured out yet that you should not just throw the phone handset at customers trying to get some help from a host.

I kind of chuckled about it, actually.

That's when I got introduced to Tom, who was known as Tommy the Digit. Tom listened to my story, got on a computer terminal and found the problem. Yes there was something wrong with my address, and when that happens, the system stops mailing.

I'd actually had freeplay offers all along and hadn't got notified of them. That's why when I stayed at the Grand I got $50 freeplay as a 'nice surprise'.

Tom worked diligently to fix the freeplay situation. He figured out what tier I should be in and what I should get.

"OK, I put $5 on your card so you don't have to put any money in. Your first bet should trigger the freeplay download."

We went to a machine and I put my card in and loaded the $5 freeplay. Played a hand. Nothing happened.

Tom had warned me that he might have to go to the computers 'upstairs' because he couldn't access everything from the players club booth. Fair enough. Off he went. I was already impressed with his diligence.

I decided to play a little and see if the freeplay came in. So I put a $20 bill in the machine.

Oh look.

More money for me. This was more like it!

I played a bit more and cashed out another ticket for more profit.

Tom came back and told me to try it again. I put some dough in the machine's hungry maw and played a hand - and sure enough, I was awarded freeplay, to the tune of $100!!!!!

Holy crap! Was I ever glad I decided to pursue this!

I thanked Tom up, down, left, and right. It was really superior customer service from the Grand - and I would have an interesting comparison to make at the Four Queens later in the week on a similar issue.

I let Tom know I had a blog that was read by millions of devout degenerates gamblers and I would be mentioning the lengths that the Downtown Grand went to to make this right. They have had their ups and downs with me as frequent readers know, but this was above and beyond and much appreciated.

Well done, Downtown Grand!

Because I loved the Grand so very much this day, I continued to play my freeplay.

All in all I ended up with tickets for $360 or something, $300 of which was profit. I cashed them out just as Tom walked by.

He gave me a wink. "Taking the money?"

"You bet. Thanks again, Tommy the Digit!"

Good guy, that Tom. And because of that, I would be back.

The Full Monty of Boner Deluxe Play

Day 3 - Wednesday - part 4

The results thus far in my day demonstrate why I am addicted to the game of video poker. What a cruel mistress, deciding that one day you shall have limp along red faced and blue balled (in the gambling sense) and the next day you shall have her any which way you want her, which, for me, was four at a time. As in quads. As in nineteen of them so far. And a straight flush to boot.

I was so happy, I could barely contain myself. I ran through the Golden Nugget, skipping and jumping and throwing Rip Taylor confetti everywhere, kissing the ladies and shaking hands with the men, handing out roses and cigars.

For now, I was a four-of-a-kind star. I headed for the dollar uprights again.

A couple of things happened... I didn't get a royal flush. Somewhat annoying.

One card off $4000. This would happen a lot.

Double Bonus Poker Plus. Anyone care to guess what percentage of AAAA hands are adjacent?

I also saw a game I'd never seen before called Double Bonus Poker Plus, which has premium quads for adjacent cards. For example AAAAK or KAAAA. I quickly calculated the odds and payback percentages of this game not to mention the EV, cashback, value of future offers, bounceback cash, backend comps, and finally the cocktail waitress ass-pinch opportunities and savvily decided that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. I tried the game a bit and quickly abandoned it. But I do like to try new games just to see. Because beginners luck.

Still flagging from the trip out and the late nights, I took a break in my Golden Tower Golden Club Golden room, made some Golden Waters, and recorded some notes for this here blog. I ate an Golden Delicious Apple from the Golden Club snack display and some nuts I'd brought from Flusherville (cashews, not pant nuts).

It was nice to unwind a bit with the start of a come-back under my belt. It was actually kind of amazing how that come-back fit exactly under my belt without peeking out at the top or at the bottom. No, it was perfectly belt-aligned.

Having sat at machines and/or breakfast tables all day, I decided to get some serious gambling exercise... by walking the 2 minutes 18 seconds from the Smug Nugget to the Plaza. I wanted to check out their improved video poker offerings, upgrade my card in their tier matching program, see if they have de-stinkified the place, and hopefully win their money while doing a decent amount of coin-in to trigger future offers.

My Boyd Emerald card was good enough to get the Ace level card (from Jack) from the Plaza slot club. I have no idea really if this does much for me, but I'm glad to be a Jack Ace.

The stink level might have improved a bit but the scent they are using, to me, is still way way over the top. Lighten up, Francis!

It was easy to find the better Plaza video poker because it was marked with a giant sign, thus:

Giant Sign (not actual size).

 But wait - what's the fine print on that sign?

"Machines at the bank are not eligible for free play, royal rewards points or royal flush free play match. Please see Royal Rewards Center for details."

Now, much as I appreciate having an entire slot club named after me, this is, frankly, bogus. If you really want to bring in players, don't have half-assed promotions that only apply to shitty machines. Have a quarter-assed promotion that applies to ALL machines. That's the Royal Flusher Way.

There was nothing left to do but simply play for the money. (You people that have been freaking out about me playing short pay at the Nugget, you can relax now - this is 9/6 - the full monty of Boner Deluxe play.

Sticking with my conservative Drill Test Holes plan, I played $20 in a machine on quarters and it drained, but I got to play for about twenty minutes.

I changed and played a $5 bill. Why not. It drained and then I found I didn't have any more $20 bills. I put $100 in swearing up down left right and sideways that if I hit $80 I would cash that mother out.

In my head I was thinking, and probably muttering aloud, "MISTAKE. MISTAKE. MISTAKE."

And I think I would have having (re-)learned a hard lesson on Days 1 and 2. But no need, my quad streak continued - in just two hands! Good ole Boner Deluxe!!!

 I parlayed that up to fifty cents and hit another.

I parlayed that up to dollars. This is where if I could just keep it going I could really make some money back. I played on and switched between 9/6 Jacks and 9/6 Boner Deluxe. Once again, the Almost.

The Almost. Now very annoying.

I ended up playing for quite a while, doing about $2K in coin-in. I had actually meant to cash out at $300 and by mistake went below it. When I hit $200 I cashed out. Take some profits!!!

I made a few bucks at the Plaza, but not many. But it was great fun and I had lots of chances at a dollar Royal (which would completely recover my trip).

I walked outside and wandered along Fremont, looking at things like naked old men wearing pasties (this has gone way too far) and decided to hit up the Downtown Grand and get a cold Lucky Heineken.

Notwithstanding Understanding What Notwithstanding Means

Day 3 - Wednesday - part 3

Oh man, did that triple play machine take off! I was on a hot one, on a winning streak, on a run, and it felt goooooood.

I played and played and the quads kept coming. Now I was having fun, and now I was getting some decent coin in out of my money.

That's one.

 I parlayed up to five play

That's two.

That's three.

 I parlayed up to five-play Double Double Bonus.

That's four.

That's five.

I was really hoping to knock it out of the park, but that would have to wait for another time. For now, I was ecstatic that the floodgates had opened and the quads were flowing like the sap out of Jackie Moosreiner's ears.

I did about $4,000 coin-in on $20 and cashed out $100. I was actually up on the day by about $120, which is pretty good considering I'd played my last $5.

Breakfast time! The Claim Bone Jumper would do. I had some sort of 'healthy' California omelette with cheese and egg and hash browns and avocado - oh, and yes, a sprinkling of spinach dust, for the 'healthy' part.

Breakfast was delish, notwithstanding the fact that I lost on Keno while eating. I pondered the word notwithstanding. It's an odd word.

White hot Keno action in the Bone Jumper at the Nugget.

And again.

I know exactly what notwithstanding means, notwithstanding me understanding what notwithstanding means.

The best part of breakfast was the carny side bets they have, particularly the Golden Keno Balls. They also have a spinner multiplier feature for an extra quarter a game. After the game, a big wheel spins on the board to select the multiplier, which multiplies your non-existent wins. Unfortunately, one of the most common values on the wheel is a multiplier of '1x'. So, on a win of nothing, what's the bonus spin multiplier worth? (Who remembers this from Super Times Pay?) Not nothing... BONUS nothing.

Just when I rolled up to check my ticket, what was the Golden Keno Ball number? Why 69 of course.

Damn, this was going to be a good, good day.

I went back to the hallway machines after breakfast and made some money.

$250? Yes please.

 Then I went back to the triple-play, and damned if I didn't get on another run.

Dealt quad on five-play. I decided to switch to Double Double.

Straight Flush from 3. Damn I'm good

I got as high as 1400 quarters and cashed out 800 or $200. I was really hoping to hit some premium quads with kickers but it wouldn't happen for me.  I played for a solid hour, doing another $4K coin-in or so. And all of that on $20.

I felt like whatever bad mojo I'd had in the first 24 hours of my trip had finally been shaken. I took a break when I had nineteen quads under my belt. It wasn't even lunch-time yet.

And I wasn't done.

Reverend Tabernacle's Old Tyme Half and Half Hooker Spray

Day 3 - Wednesday - part 2

I woke up around 6:00am again and lay in bed and groaned with trepidation. Then I groaned with dread. Then I groaned with "$2,200 lost on day 1 in Vegas" remorse. How was I going to forge any kind of a day with a $200 stake?

Not to mention I had no money for tips, tolls and incidentals such as extra Reverend Tabernacle's Old Tyme Half and Half Hooker Spray (with eucalyptus and mentholatum). (I still remember the ads they used to have. Don't take a shot in the dark, get Reverend Tabernacle's!)

As I headed to the casino, bypassing the petri dishes of treats in the Golden Club hallway, I forged a plan.

The plan, carefully concocted and pretty much sure to work, went like this.

Play the Quad Queen's free play.

Yep. She had $110 on her card, according to the Golden Nugget mailings and I aimed to make use of it. Hell, it added over 50% to my stake!

I went to Starbucks and got myself a flat white (damn, I love those things). Because you can get any name you want on your cup, I told the cashier my name was 'Freddy'. I know, pretty outrageous.

I saddled up to one of the bars with the scrunchy cards and dialed up Bonus Poker. Fifty cent. Slipping the Quad Queen's card in, I prayed that her pin would work and that the freeplay was really on there.

Well, it did, and it was.

I played carefully, $20 worth at a time, ready to parlay. Each machine I tried seemed cold. (Did you say 'each machine'?) Yes I did. Everything, though worked perfectly according to my plan, with the exception that I used all $110 of Mrs. Flusher's freeplay without actually winning anything.

Not a problem. I had gotten my bad luck out of the way and my daily stake was still intact.

Actually, I felt sick. Goddammit.

I put one of my last two $100 bills into another machine and played the same game, fifty cent Bonus Poker. And I got nothing.

Mentally, I started to rehearse the walk of shame to the cage to get another marker. I pondered how much I should get. This was disaster.

Remember when James Bond was out of money when he was trying to financially ruin Le Chiffre at baccarat? And the CIA gave him some money at the last possible minute?

I looked around for the CIA to give me some money, but I could spot them. After all, they are spies, and know how to disguise themselves as a wall phone or a potted plant. No, the CIA was not going to bail me out this time.

With $100 left, I decided to fall back on an old technique, and age-old gambling trick the oldsters taught me so many years ago, the same one I relearned last trip, and the trip before that and the trip before that and promptly seem to forget.

Drill test holes.

Drill lots of test holes.

Why? In a nutshell, I am finding that when some machines are hot, they are really hot. So why not drill test holes by playing a bunch of different machines and trying to find one that is in a good mood?

Now, many of you out there will say every hand is random, and it wouldn't matter if you sat on one machine all trip long. Everything logical says you are right.

And yet, lately, I have been finding that maybe there really are machines that are hot for a while. The Strict Rules of Parlay are designed to take advantage of this, but maybe there is another piece of the puzzle - finding the right machine to try to parlay on.

Maybe I was full of shit, but I had to try something. Because pouring $100 bills into machines wasn't getting me anything but broke.

I thought back to what Licorice Petey used to tell me when we rode the rails together,

"Some believe in hot machines, and say it don't matter.
But drill yourself some good test holes, and you'll climb the money ladder."

And I used to tell Licorice Petey when we rode the rails together,

"Matter doesn't rhyme with ladder, you drunk old coot."

I broke my very last hundred dollar bill into $20s and set off to drill some test holes on the 8/6 dollar Jacks in the Golden Hallway that leads to the Golden Nugget.

First $20. Nothing. Change machines.

Second $20. Nothing. Change machines.

Third and Fourth $20. Nothing. Nothing. Now I'm back on the first machine again.

Some of you may think that this is dramaticized but I swear on Jimmy Poon's wife's thong that this is really the way it went down. Besides, I already told you how I lost $2200 in 24 hours in Vegas, why exaggerate now?

My last freaking $20 bill... another test hole... and I held my own for a few hands, then it started to go down.

And, in fact, I Lazarused. I had $5 left in the machine and pressed Deal. That $5 represented the last, the very last of all the money I had brought to Vegas, $1700, and a $1000 marker. I was all in and shitting bricks.

Okay, the cards came. Four to a flush. Held four and expected a dull thud. But... got it.

Minor reprieve. Wow, didn't expect that.

Next hand, held two cards, got another flush.

The test hole had turned up a little trickle. And the trickle started to turn into a stream. The credits were going up not down. Every hand was dealt with a ding meaning I had a paying hand already. This had the scent of what I look for in a hot machine. Deal, hold, win. Deal hold, hand improves, win. Dealt straight. Dealt full house.

Yeah, now I'm starting to get excited.

I kept playing and the machine just kept winning. Next thing I knew, I was up to $140! Wow!

I played on. These are the moments that make it all worthwhile, or at least, come as a minor adrenaline-injecting consolation to a steady stream of disappointment.

I started to wonder about switching to Double Double Bonus but didn't and within a couple of hands I had myself a nice little four of a kind. 'May they come often,' I thought.

I decided not to beat myself up for not switching to Double Double Bonus. I needed this quad and I needed it bad. If I'd switched, the timing would have been different and I would have got something different. (Probably Aces kicker...)

After some more play I did switch to something with higher volatility and bigger payoffs - Triple Double Bonus. And, I picked up a second quad. Just like that I'd almost doubled my trip quad count.

Yes!!! Oh man, what a feeling. Back from the fucking dead! I played on, hoping to hit it out of the park, but used care and when I got down to $400, cashed out to regroup.

Just for a change, I played one of my favorite slots, one of those 'inching Diamond' slots that click up and down depending on which way the diamonds point. $20 actually lasted me quite a while, long enough to obtain, and drink, a cup of casino slop-coffee. Maybe half an hour? No big win though.

I decided to try some triple play. I drilled a test hole on machine number one, and got nowhere. $20 isn't much on triple play quarters, but its sometimes enough for a test hole. I moved to machine number two and it just lifted off. Boom boom boom.

They Call Me Mr. Pitiful

Day 3 - Wednesday - part 1

They call me Mr. Pitiful
Baby that's my name
They call me Mr. Pitiful
That's how I got my fame
But nobody seems to understand now
What makes a man feel so blue?

Nice as the Golden Club room in the Golden Tower at the Golden Nugget was, there was something about it that I couldn't put my finger on, something that made me uneasy.

Hunh.

So, here I was second full day in Vegas, I'd lost $2200 so far and a very, very long stretch in front of me. If I kept losing at this rate, I could never go home.

Clearly I either do not have the budget, or the mental fortitude, to brook that size of daily swing. I am clearly am not suited to the variance of full time dollar play.

I did what I should have done in the first place, and started working out a more reasonable stop-loss budget, and a plan.

Some say that plans don't work, that it doesn't change the math. But it's not the gambling math that you need the plan for - its your own stupid head.

Well, more than ever, I needed a dollar Royal. If I got that, it would all be just fine. Or maybe a dollar Boner Deluxe run like the ones I went on last fall, pulling $1100, or $1200 out of a machine at a time. I'd just have to get there in a manner differently than throwing $100 bills at dollar machines.

I took stock. I'd arrived in Vegas with $1700 in cash. It was gone. I had taken a marker for $1000. I had $200 and four dried up chewy partly nibbled tortillas that looked like something you'd find in Madonna's swim trunks after a long tough workout stashed in the safe.

So be it. My stake for the day was $200. I'd see what I could do.

You could have a lot of gambling fun for $200. For example, you could get up nice and early, watch TV in the room and wank six times until about 10:45pm, then go out and gamble until about 11:15pm.

Yeah, this was going to be a riot.

Yesterday had been an extreme day. An anomaly. An outlier. Was it possible to have two extreme days in a row?

Jimmy Poon Says: Royal is in some deep shit! Heee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! He's in more trouble than an 8-bit processor with 4-bit RAM chips! Royal is looking forward to sharing more of this crazy trip, but he says he has to go to Kenny Blankship's daughter's wedding in Moosenee this weekend and he won't be able to post anything more until early next week. So don't worry, and come back Tuesday and quit bugging me asking where the next installment is! J. Poon

The Space Between Marilyn Monroe's Breasts

Day 2 - part 3

I nipped back over to Onions to see if Vato's was open so I could buy a few sticks to smoke in the evenings. They were closed. Again. I think I've gone over five or six times in the past few trips and they never seem to be open. I think it's been four and a half years since I've been in there. Perhaps it's an evening business, not a lunchtime business. I made a mental note to try yet again at night.

I decided to check out the Cadillac of Taco Take Out Deals (as droolingly described in Golden Nugget Las Vegas Bargains) and grab some grub at the Cadillac Mexican Kitchen & Tequila Bar (formerly the Cadillac Mexican Eat-in Kitchen Open Concept Living/Dining Close to Schools Shopping & Tequila Bar, on the site of the former El D'Oro Golden Cadillac Mexican Kitchen Bar & Cadillac Tequila Bar and Tattoo Parlor el Grande du Fromage UNH!).

Let me tell you, I will never ever learn. It is the kiss of fucking death when they say it is going to be 10 minutes for your food and you are pretty much 1 minute from a casino bar, because you will go to that very bar with the idea that you will play a hand or perhaps two of quarter video poker and you will order an ice cold beer which you think would be a great fucking pairing with your take-out food but instead you will play dollar video poker and the bartender will be busy and you will barely get your ice-cold beer just as your money runs out and you will find that just as your fucking take-out food is ready you are standing there back in line, back where you started nine minutes ago, with a one hundred dollar bottle of ice cold beer with two slugs gone out of it. The worst part? Michelob Ultra.

I hauled my discount tacos and one hundred dollar bottle of ice cold beer up to my Golden Club room and ate.

The tacos were okay I guess but not as good as I've had. The tortillas themselves seemed like they had been good once but perhaps had been microwaved and were overly chewy and a bit dry.

I ordered a couple of Chicken Fajita tacos, two Tejas Carnitas tacos and a set of grilled vegetables. And a $100 beer.

The vegetables were pretty good and had been hot when put into the take-out box... hot enough to partially melt it a bit.

The chicken tacos were pretty good, and I really enjoyed the salsa, which had a deep red color and a steady solid heat to it. I wished I had a lot more of it. There were lots of fresh spices and garnishes on these babies but they had become lacklustre in the walk from the take-out window to my room. I suspect if eaten while hotter I would have enjoyed them more.

Also, I took time to lovingly photograph them, as depicted thus.

 The pork was a little tough and overly meaty-stringy as pork can get.

Another look at the sensuous tacos. Has a sexier food ever been invented since the corndog on a stick?

I ate all the vegetables, and spooned the fillings out of the tacos with a spoon after dunking them in the salsa. The tortillas just weren't worth the carbo-load cost.

I guess this is a mixed review. It seemed like the food had been assembled from bins and microwaved. I must try the in-person version of this place and see how it is.

All that strenuous eating had made my chin sloppy and my tongue sore, so I required a nap. The first day after a long travel day is always kind of tough, you just sort of ache all over.

After crashing for a while, I played some more, here and there in the Nugget, not really getting much of anything. Still.

I got a text from Blonde saying they were going to eat at Magnolias. I didn't think twice. I welcomed those friendly faces and a distraction from the incredibly bad day I was having.

We met up in the restaurant. I had the rib eye with hash browns as did Kodidog. Blonde had the Punchbowl Salad, which is served in a punch bowl and contains the contents of an entire row from Albertsons produce department.

The rib eye steak, frankly, sucked. I didn't want to complain in front of my guests, and I didn't want to complain to the waitress that calls me Baby, but my foot was making scratching motions. I think this filly filet placed last. It was gristly, tough, and not that tasty. I'm kind of surprised because Magnolias generally serves up an excellent food value with tasty well-prepared meals under ten bucks. The steak was $15 and so not worth it. I suspect the prime rib would have been a better choice. So skip steak at Magnolia's.

Punchbowl Salad

Punch-in-the-head Ribeye

After dinner the ladies wanted to play at the bar, and I thought that was a capital idea. We grabbed the last three spots right next to Fremont street. That has to be one of the single best places to play video poker in all of Las Vegas, particularly in the evening. We had a blast but I chewed through a couple of hundred on the quarter double double progressive and got absolutely nothing.

Back over at Vato's, Chomp was running the store, which was finally open! I told him what I thought I wanted in a cigar. I'd done a bit of research and figured I wanted something with a smaller diameter with a bit of spice to it, like these Dominican ones I used to get in Vancouver back in another lifetime.

Chomp showed me a rack of tobacco products, laid out high and low like rows and rows of lung ammunition. He used a bunch of words I didn't understand. The Connecticut wrapper filler binder triple-aged spicy 44 gauge torpedo apparently is shaped exactly like the space between Marilyn Monroe's breasts.

I ended up taking a selection and Chomp offered to cut them for me. "Punch, traditional, or V cut?" he asked.

I wondered if my father had been offered so many choices when I was but a baby.

"I have a cutter, Chomp, but do one with the V cut so I can see what it's like," I said, in a manner akin with someone who would even be able to tell any kind of difference between a V cut cigar and sucking on the Deuce bus tailpipe.

Happy with my purchases, I headed back to the Nugget. I played some crappy Super Times Pay and lit one of my cigars. (Well, why light two?). I played that for a while, but eventually, it dumped. I went to the bar and had a few, played $100 in 50 cent Bonus Poker. Then $100 in dollar Boner Deluxe. Then $100 in dollar Double Double. Clutching at straws.

One hand that, for some reason, pissed me off, by itself, more than my day... I held a single Jack and up popped a flush, which was also four to a Royal. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I guess because it was such a longshot deal, it might as well have been a Royal, but instead it taunted me.

I had one more thing on the agenda. Even though I was down a shitload, I had promised myself the $100 on $25 pulls at 9/6 Jacks or Better.

Lightning could strike. Who knew? I had to try.

May I remind you that although I was showered in royals in October/November 2014 (the No Kickers trip), I had had none at all in our January foray into the world of Las Vegas casino video poker gambling.

A $5 VP royal is a cool $20,000. My opinion is always... why not me. Someone's going to get one, why not me?!

Or I might get a quad or something. That would be fantastic.

Well, I came close. This close.

Dealt four to a straight flush, I get the 4 of spades instead of the 9 and its $1250. But no. It all went away.

I didn't know what to do, at that point. I actually found myself wandering in circles, steamed. I was kind of hungry, but couldn't figure out what I wanted. Went down to the Claim Jumper, looked at the menu, left. Wandered. Steamed some more. Then I hit on the idea of the Grille. I ordered a buffalo chicken sandwich to go. When it was ready, I scurried up to my Golden Club room in the Golden Tower. Now I know how they pay for all that golden.

The sandwich was super salty but fucking delicious. Really, really tasty. Just what I wanted. I wolfed it down and hit the sack around 11:00.

This day reminded me in a very brutal way that you can never, ever, ever let your guard down at gambling, particularly when you are risking a larger rather than smaller percentage of your bankroll. I sort of know how these things go, you play, you lose some, you win some, it comes back mostly eventually.

Except when it doesn't. You always have those off days maybe one or two a trip where the gambling pretty much does nothing but go down down down.

I'd played dollars, hard, all day, and had only gotten three quads for my efforts, all of which got blown back rather quickly.

There's nothing for it but to admit I did a pretty stupid thing today, right at the start of the trip, and let myself get into one fuck of a hole.

Day: -$1700
Trip: -$2200

What the hell was I going to do?

Traveling the Wonky Willy Hershey Highway

Day 1 - Tuesday - part 2

I do not get penny slots. But I think my instincts were correct.

"Blonde, can I play for less than $4.00 a spin?"

"Sure, you can play for 40 cents a spin and get lots of spins and get free beer."

"But what could I miss out on?"

"Well," she said, "you could miss out on dumping $3.60 a spin."

"But the top prize, do I have to play max coins to win the progressive thingy?" (which stood at something close to half a million dollars).

"Don't worry about that, you're never going to win it."

"But if I don't play max coins I definitely won't win it. And if I hit the jackpot with less than max coins, I will drive a slot card through my heart right her in Onions casino!"

By the way, no, I did NOT go to the safe and remove the last $200 of the money I'd brought to Vegas with me. I'd arrived at the hotel the previous night at 11:00pm. It was now just around noon the next day. I was down $1500 on the trip. So I left the safe alone.

Instead, I took a marker at the cage for $1000.

OK, so back to Onions, I settled in to play the Wizard slot thingy but my card was messed up. For some reason, they had zeroed my account and taken the three or four comp dollars I had on there. But now, I was treated as a new signup and qualified for the new signup bonuses.

Armed with my new card, I walked back to the machines (securing cocktail waitress services on the way). I put $20 into the Wizard of Odds slot which was sandwiched by two Wonky Willies. Each of the ladies had their own Willie, one on other side of me. Don't judge.

Just then, Blonde clapped her hands in glee.

"What? What??!"

"I got the bonus."

She had indeed gotten the Wonky Willy Hershey Highway bonus!

"Blonde, I can't bear to look at this. It's too... suggestive. I'm very modest," I explained. "I'll just turn away until its over."

I did.

Genuine Cowgirl Dealer, or Stunt Cowgirl Dealer? And does it matter?

I lost $20 doing... you guessed it, $4.00 a spin. But on the second $20 I actually won a bit of dough.

Wicked Witch Feature Bonus! I have no idea what it meant.

I blew back the winnings and put another $20 in. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I won $80 this time! I was ahead on the session thanks to that green skinned bitch witch. The witches wand beat the hell out of being trapped in the Willy Hershey Highway

And then I blew that back.

But I did get a couple of beers, and I was lined up for some sweet sign-up bonuses. We trundled off to the swipe 'n spin kiosks and the slot club to see what booty we could all score.

Blonde lucked out on the spin and won a chit for $25 in promo chips to play. The boothling at the slot club sent her off to the cage to retrieve them, while Kodi and I waited in line. I'd got a free ace coupon and a match play and a promo item, and also some $10 free play for earning xyz points as a 'new member'. I also swiped and spun and won a free drink at the bar. Whoop-de-doo.

If you can't figure out how to get a drink in Vegas, you should re-consider your travel plans.

My promo item was an absolutely huge, fairly ridiculous, completely impractical Slotzilla promotional drink container that could probably hold a 40 pounder of good Canadian rye. Or even bad Canadian rye, if there is such a thing. It came complete with a two and a half foot straw and a safety strap. If I even thought about taking it home, I'd have to fill it with dirty underwear just to fit it in my carry-on, and then I'd never want to use it again.

Now what was I going to do with this thing?

We caught up with Blonde in front of the cage.

"Hey, look what we brought you!" I said, holding up Drinkzilla, the Great Big Fucking Drinkholder.

"What the hell is that?"

"You won this great souvenir glass in a promo giveaway and took off before picking it up. We had quite a fight on our hands, but we managed to pick it up for you."

Next thing you know Kodi and I were getting Drinkzilla, the Great Big Fucking Drinkholder, arranged properly, with safety strap and insanely huge straw, and promo chips in hand, for some promo pictures. Poor Blonde never knew what hit her.

Blonde4Ever

I think she liked Drinkzilla pretty well, because she took great care of it... except for one thing.

Blonde's conservative approach was to split her promo chips on different bets at roulette. She told me she just wanted to come away with something so I suggested Blonde put $10 on red, Kodi put $10 on black, and I would put $5 on a group of numbers. We'd have to chance the zeros.

We talked about it and approached the roulette layout. The dealer did nothing but give us the stink-eye. We asked about how to play the chips and she actually told us to go play somewhere else.

This is the second time in two tries I've had a rude dealer on promo play at Onions and it just re-inforced my decision to never play table games there again - unless I had an advantage. (Another time the blackjack dealer 'remembered' to burn a card only after seeing that it was a 10.)

It worked like a charm and Blonde was happy to get ten bucks out of it.

"Thanks for the money honey," I said to Stink-eye, "...don't worry, we won't bother your little table anymore. You can say goodbye right now."

Flusher don't take no stink-eye from Stink-eye.

Now it was my turn and I was very happy to win both the free Ace bet and the match play bet. In fact, I had to double down on the match play bet, so I ended up making $35. Take THAT Stink-eye Onions!

I needed to go do some errands which would NOT include any gambling whatsoever, so I bid farewell for the time being to my companions, and headed to Walgreen's for shaving gel and sunscreen. Because carry-on.

At the D, I got my $10 match play coupons and won both of them on blackjack, and I also played my monthly $5 freeplay. Hey, every little bit helps, right?

At the El Cortez, I lost $80 on dollar VP in the alcove there, and went to the bar and played some 50 cent Bonus Poker. I played for quite a while and I was so short of quads so far on the trip (having had but two) I took a gamble and switched to Boner Deluxe which eats credits but gives bigger wins. Three hands later I got my quad.

Was this the start of a run? I played on but for the first time on the trip edged from 100% degenerate to 99% degenerate, 1% savvy and cashed out at $200.

A win for Flushiepants! It even more than offset the $80 loss!

Continued...