How to Snicker

Thursday - Day 6 - continued

After breakfast, I hit the machines. First stop - why oh why - BEEFFFAALLOOOOOOOOO!

To mitigate the fact that these machines are eating me alive lately, I determine that an investment of only ten of my hard-earned gambling dollars is appropriate. When the ten dollars is gone, I will leave. But, of course, I will probably get a bonus round and win.

The ten dollars goes away and I... put in twenty of my hard-earned gambling dollars. I get no bonus. Then I convert $20 worth of slot points into ersatz electronic hard-earned gambling dollars. On almost the last spin, I finally get a bonus round. So exciting!

I win $8. A few spins later I get a nice looking screen, and the stampede feature actually does something useful for me, providing additional needed Beeffaloos. Unfortunately, the fourth reel is devoid of Beeffaloos, and if it had one or two, this spin would have been a monster. It occurs to me that perhaps the manufacturers know this and have planned accordingly. Fuckers.

Beefalloos are not known to be phenomenal spellers.

In video poker land, I finally find a hot machine. This is what you want, I win something on the first 19 hands. Because counting. You know when you find one, because it keeps hitting and hitting.

After getting four Queens, I ramp it up to $60... and I'm thinking about the Strict Rules of Parlay - but I am being cautions. When should I change to 50 cents Bonus Poker? Now! It's $2.50 a hand and I lose four hands in a row. Jeez. I try one last one before switching back to quarters and the machine is talking to me again.


I have a couple of three-to-a-this or that, including three Aces, without connecting. Three Pointies show up again, and this time they bring their pin-headed brother along for the ride.

SWEET! This is the biggest win of the trip so far. I'm happy I changed from Jacks to Bonus - and I note that the kicker is there just to keep me from getting cocky. Nobody likes a cocky Flusher.

Four Beautiful Pointies!

Continuing on, I am hoping I can really make some money, but mentally, I set a cash-out point that will give me a $200 win on the session - and when I hit it, to my surprise, I cash it out. Now I have a good cushion of $115 profit for the day, cheap coffee, shoes that don't squeak, and a boss at GrommetCon to go and lie to in the most devious of fashions.

For some reason (Duh) I can lie to Norbert all day and all night and not think anything of it. I realize that on this trip I have only lied to bosses. It makes me feel better.

Lunch is soup and salad bar. I miss cheese in Vegas. It's hard to come across a nice big hunk of cheddar that you can sit in a corner and gnaw on for a while. Vegas cheese usually comes in small formats like slices and shreds, but not chunks. I pile some on. The Cal makes good soups, and I don't even like soup. This is no exception.

When I arrive at GrommetCon, I stake out the Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer booth from a distance, waiting for Norbert to go and try to hustle the product demo Sheilas over at the International Rivets booth. My chance comes and I zip over to the booth next to ours, push aside the curtain and crawl under the table. There's a nice, unopened box of the possessed keychains there, and I pull it out and take it to our booth.

Everything works wonderfully. Norbert spends a couple of hours yammering with various busty Sheilas who can't stand him, but are paid to smile, so he never notices that they are easing more and more into 'repulsed' territory with every stupid thing he says.

Norbert returns to the booth and I get busy opening the box of killer keychains.

"Great, the keychains came! Well done, Flusher. Where are the rest of them?"

"Thanks boss - they're so popular that we've already given out two boxes full. This is the last one," I lie.

"Keep up the good work, Flusher."

At this moment, I finally learn how to snicker. It just comes to me, like the first time ever I whistled.

Snickering is awesome.