The Legendary Wynn Coffee Ice Swan Rant

Day 5 - Monday July 21, 2014

I got up about six AM - in time to check the yogurt, which I’d rescued from the car-ferno and placed on ice in the sink - every savvy travellers go-to food storage system.

Somehow the bottom parts of the left-over yogurts were still swallowable.

Some early morning play in Encore was in order. I loved having the cocktail waitress bring me cappuccinos - yes, real cappuccinos. (Nurse Blue, are you listening???)

Kenny and LuLU took a long walkabout - in fact, they made it all the way to MGM, and took the monorail back. While they were getting healthy exercise, I was doing what I do best - losing money in the casino.

Actually, the morning’s play went fairly well, I thought. I certainly enjoyed it, playing various single line games, and some triple play short pay Super Times Pay Double Double Bonus, and also Jacks.

In fact, I hit 8 quads and a straight flush, so no complaints in that department. It kept me going nicely, because that triple play will eat you alive in no time.

I took a break in the room, and added nuts from my stash to the yogurt and made myself a somewhat nutritious breakfast. It would remain to be seen whether or not it was poisonous, which is not the same thing.

Back down in the casino, I burned through $200 in no time at all. Shouldn’t have taken that break!!!

LuLU and Kenny came down and texted me. We met up and Kenny was really in need of a coffee.

“I need a fucking coffee, and I need it now,” he said.

“Okay, well, I’ve been getting cappuccinos right here, I can sit and play and if you look for a waitress, flag her down, we’ll get you set up.”

“Maybe you can show me more video poker stuff while we are waiting,” said LuLU as we sat down at a couple of machines.

A minute went by and turned to ask Kenny if he had spotted any servers yet. But Kenny was gone.

After five or ten minutes, we got our orders in, including a joe for Kenny. We played on, and LuLU was learning fast.

“Obi wan Flusher, what should I hold here? Three to a straight flush, right?” LuLU asked.

“The video poker force is strong in this one,” I said, looking straight ahead, but checking her screen with my perineum vision. “That is the correct hold.”

The drinks were delivered, and after a while, Kenny showed up, cardboard cup in hand.

Kenny had walked through Encore. Kenny had walked down to Wynn. He’d walked around Wynn, aimlessly. Somehow, somewhere, Kenny had found a place to buy a six dollar cup of coffee.

Now, I have had the same trouble at Encore. It wasn’t apparent to me that I could get a shot of the black stuff at the bar/lounge off to the side of the casino by the pool. And the sign that they’d placed there was very small, and said, “Express coffee service here.” But that wasn’t really clearly stating that you could buy a coffee at that spot.

“You know what?” said Kenny. “All I want is a measley cup of fucking coffee and I can’t get it. This place sucks. I walked to hell and back and ended up buying a six dollar coffee ten miles from here. This is supposed to be luxury? Luxury isn’t fucking... butterflies and goddamned ice sculpture swans every ten feet dripping cold water on me while I am in search of a fucking coffee! Fuck Steve Wynn! He doesn’t know shit! My uncle Max knew the guy that runs all the Four Seasonses and he said you have to give the people what they want before they even know themselves that they need or want it. Psychic luxury...is that too much to ask for? Thinking ahead? Not in the Four Seasons it isn’t. I can get a fucking coffee in the Four Seasons before I even know I want it. Luxury is what I want, when I want it, before I want it, not carved ice swans and red butterflies everywhere you look. And when I want coffee it should be readily available, all the time, anywhere, at a moment's notice. Fuck!”

I looked at Kenny and smiled.

“Hi,” I said, “I’m Steve Coffee, and welcome to my Coffee. I’ve got… easy navigation. It’s fast and it’s coffee…”

“We got you a coffee, Kenny,” said LuLU. “Nice rant, by the way.”

This rant would be forever known as the “Coffee Ice Swan Rant”. It really was a thing of beauty, if you disregarded Kenny’s flared nostrils, red face, throbbing cherry red lobe-less ears, and overall somewhat threatening countenance.

We formulated a plan which included seeing a show in the evening, and some pool time for Kenny. I had done some quick searching for shows on my niPad and found there was a Tix4Tonite booth just across the street at the Fashion Show Mall, perched safely under the world’s only 300 ton mass-execution guillotine blade.

Kenny had pool time and LuLU and I hit up some more video poker. We headed out to join him when it was getting near lunchtime and found him in the topless area. We even saw a few toplesses, including a fellow spritzing down his wife. Unfortunately, the spectacle was ruined because of the fact that she’d been lying on her front so long, her boobs had backwards writing emblazoned onto them, and they were flattened like huge waffles being sprayed down with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter - Spray.

“Let’s go to the Peckermill for lunch,” I suggested. “I mean the Purplemill. I mean the Peppermilf. I mean -”

“- the PEPPERMILL,” said LuLU.

I was kind of happy to get out of the pool compound. There’s something creepy about being in the European bathing area when you are wearing normal street clothes instead of a bathing suit, or a robe, and you are waving a videoing piPhone 3.1.4 everywhere.

We walked over to the Peppermill and it was busy - I even tried to use the $5 ‘seat me now’ trick but the hostess politely turned me down, it being against policy to take tips. But it was ok, it gave us a chance to check out the Fireside Lounge and have something to wet our whistles.

Non-incriminating Kenny and LuLU photo.

 We also had drinks.

We got seated and I scanned the really large menu for anything with country throw-up gravy on it. I figured the Peppermill had to be one of the premier locations for disgusting hot beige ooze poured over perfectly prepared food.

The waitress came to take our order. Kenny and LuLU went first, LuLU ordering the Hubcap Omelette special, and Kenny, who had obviously followed the same booby thought processes that I had, ordered a waffle, (which came complete with a quart of whipped cream.)

"And you sir? What will you have?"

I cracked a round of knuckles. This... was  my moment. The Peppermill is a professional breakfast place. If anybody in Las Vegas spoke my lingo, it would be them

"I will have... a hairy flat mama with webbed feet, run it through the barrel. Freshly bathed madame on a squeaky mattress. Tug the whistle and pull the covers."

"Coming right up!"

Kenny seemed to have developed a sweet tooth. He downed it all, with syrup, and lapped up LuLU’s left-over home-made toast preserves. It was really quite impressive.

Perfectly executed hairy flat mama with webbed feet, run through the barrel. Freshly bathed madame on a squeaky mattress. Tug the whistle and pull the covers.

The Adult Pool Waffle

Peppermill's Hubcap Omelette Special

We were all totally stuffed. Kenny actually looked a bit green from all the sugar and butter he'd eaten.

I celebrated the occasion by composing and singing - okay, taunting Kenny with - my new waffle song, since Cher was playing in the background.

“If I could turn back ti-yime… I would un-eat the waffle.

I would un-shove it into my face, oh, my big fat gob...

If I could turn back ti-yime… I would un-stretch my stomach,

So full of sugar waf-fle...so I could pu-hoo-hooook.”

I felt that my performance was very well received.

After lunch, LuLU insisted in doing some high-end boutique shopping - at Ross Dress for Less. LuLU and I walked over, and Kenny pogoed.

Kenny and I cooled our heels, while LuLU combed the racks for whatever it was she was looking for. We found the most awesome, matching, incredibly gaudy, unbelievably ugly flowered shirts and I’m not sure exactly why we didn’t end up getting them. Something about self-esteem?

Back at Encore, the plan was for us to go and procure show tickets.

“I don’t feel so great. Every time I eat, I feel like shit. You guys go,” said Kenny.

We talked it over. He was only interested in coffee and roasting his nuts at the European pool. Poor Kenny must really have gotten some kind of food-borne bug. It was throwing him off his game.

So, the plan was now for LuLU and I to procure show tickets, and off we went.

“Let’s just… stop and play video poker for a minute,” said LuLU. “So I can get a water. To go.”

“Yeah, well, sure…” I said. We did, and guess what, she got her first ever four of a kind.

LuLU's first ever four of a kind on video poker!

I got one too!

I dried a little tear. Just look at my student, I thought, just look at her!

“Are you crying?” she asked.

Sniff. “You’re not a virgin... anymore. You’re a savvy gambler now...”

I'd hooked another player on video poker. The casinos should pay me for this shit.