Three Aces with a King of Spades and a Crazy Eight Kicker

Tuesday Day 11

I wake and before I open my eyes, I remember 'I'm in Vegas' and then I remember 'I go home today'.

That last day, it's inevitable, but seems 1000 years away when you first arrive. It's just not as easy to have fun on the last day in Vegas - but I'll try.

There are texts from the Quad Queen asking me about credit card charges. The situation at Plaza is not resolved.

The best thing to do, I figure, is to go down in person and see my host, or someone else who can straighten everything out. I fire off an email to my host, explaining what I'm seeing and letting him know I'll be downtown today to see him.

A bit of Flushiepants advice - when there are disputes with the hotel or comps, take care of them before you leave town, in person if possible. You have 6.39 times more likelihood of success.

Two bucks gets me downtown in a flash, and next thing I know, I am sitting at the throne seat right on Fremont, playing video poker.

The next thing I know after the next thing I just knew, just minutes after that, I am holed up in Magnolia's Veranda at the Four Queens with a delicious breakfast paid for (again) with comp dollars, and an unlucky keno ticket, to pass the time between bites. $60 is gone already on video poker, and my keno ticket costs almost $40.

Of course it had to be Country Fried Steak and Eggs, with rivers of Country Throw-up Gravy (featuring unknown bits o' stuff). Once again, I am victimized by the phenomena of eggs over hard having been translated to the grillman as 'eggs cook the everloving shit out of them and turn them into shingles'. Note to self - start an education program in the restaurants and diners of Las Vegas about eggs over hard. They need to be cooked - not incinerated.

Electric Flusher Trip Report

At last! The full, complete, mostly untold story of the most ill-planned trip to Las Vegas ever. Here are the gory details, including incredible never-before-seen wins.

Will Flusher get caught in the looming WestJet pilot's strike?

Will Flusher's glitter wear off before the Electric Flusher Carnival ends?

Will Flusher ever remember when Memorial Day is again?

A Buck A Card

Day 10 - Monday - continued

I visit my nickel VP machine to play my daily $20 free play only to find it gross. Filthy. There are ashes all over the screen, buttons, armrests, there's a dirty water bottle, its cap, an ashtray full of butts and bits of garbage here and there.

I sit down and just kind of look at it in disbelief. Where to start? I flick the cap onto the floor and gingerly move the water bottle up on top of the machine.

This disgusting looking woman next to me gives me the stinkeye. Yeah, I know who the fucking pig is now.

Fuck it, I'm out of there, and go to the Men's room to wash my hands 500 times. There's a certain kind of gambler out there that I've run into more than once. You have too. She was one of them.

I play my freeplay elsewhere, on short pay Double Double Bonus and hit nothing. But I do get a drink, and my appetite shows up.

There's no question on where I'm going to have lunch - Red Asian. Every time I eat here it gets better and better, and today is no exception.

I order General Tso's chicken. I feel sorry that he doesn't have his chicken anymore - I have it.

It's great, fresh cooked... this is what they do - they cook. Fresh. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

You order and you get a stick with a number on it and you wait a few minutes, and they take the chicken away from General Tso and give it to you at your table. It's a huge portion - easily enough for two people, so commensurately, I exercise tolerance and eat it all.

Back in the room, the water is back, and the safe is functioning. I finally get the shower and shave I've been needing, and proceed to walk through the sunscreen station. You pull up, and this huge gantry swings nearby, amber flashing lights making it look like a Kmart special. There's a guy on a little stand at the end of the gantry manning a 200 psi nozzle, which has a long hose running back to a tank of sunscreen. They spray you down one side, and up the other and next thing you know, you are number one for sun.

My plan is to ride the Strip limo and see if I can find the Snarky Blackjack Dealer at T.I. I also plan to take them for a bundle on my $5 of freeplay.

It's my first time using the RTC app and it's great. It's about time they had something like this. You can pay on your phone and you get a scannable thingy to show to the electric eye dealy. Your phone knows how long your scannable thingy is good for. No fucking with dollar bills trying to get them into the machine while your ride careens into the stop.

What luck - the bus limo shows within two minutes, and I even get a seat on the top level, right at the front. It's a great place to watch the world go by. Or in this case, to watch the world outside MGM grand go nowhere for a full 10 minutes.

We pull up to the stop just as another Deuce is leaving and we sit there. And sit there. And sit there. It's aggravating. And it's 10 minutes of my vacation gone.

Along the way, I take a bunch of photos and I think they turn out pretty well.

Roomarooned with the Misused Safe Team

Day 10 - Monday

Memorial Day in the USA, the last pillar of my inept planning on this, the worst-planned trip ever. I managed to pick some of the busiest days in the calendar, oblivious to all of it until it was time to find a hotel room.

But there I am, ready to finish up at the Cal, and move on again to Tropicana. You have to love those offers that can be booked multiple times per period. Thanks Trop. I have to think, though, with my nickel play this time, I won't see those offers any more.

What is it I love about the counter at the California Market Street cafe? Maybe it's memories of visits to similar lunch counters as a boy - maybe at Gordy's where Mom would take me for a strawberry milkshake after shopping at Polo Park. Maybe those Kresge's and Woolworth's counters, where you'd have a cheeseburger or a blue plate special while watching the endless cascade of brilliant Honey Dew flowing down the inside of the glass rectangular tank on top of the dispenser. Maybe it's memories of places like the Bluebird cafe, sitting on a stool (that could spin!) drinking a huge Orange Crush float.

It actually causes me physical pain knowing that the Bay City Diner (which you might know as Du-Par's) has been ripped out, particularly the counter. All that history, and some of my history, gone, gone, gone for more gambling machines.

(Anyone know what happened to the glass dividers etched with scenes of San Francisco? Anyone else even notice these?)

Anyway, I love a counter.

So again, I have the (for me) perfect breakfast.

It's five times points today so I swipe my card at a kiosk in front of the slot club and play some video poker on Flashy. Flashy is in an alcove next to the ATM/Tito machine. Flashy's candle doesn't flash anymore (which I don't really miss) but to make up for it, Flashy sports a wicked reflection of a ceiling mounted white-hot-sun-strength stadium light in the ceiling on Flashy's chrome trim. It's bright enough to give you a George Hamilton fake tan in 3 minutes.

I get a quad and employ the Strict Rules of Parlay, and move up to 50 cents, whereupon my credits dwindle down to zero.

Like the kid said, more beans, please.

My second parlay run works nicely, and I get up to dollars, and cash out a good profit.

I'm playing savvily this morning, and protect my win with the cashout technique. Then I put $20 in but keep playing dollars. You know, just to see.

Best Casino Name Ever

Day 9 - Sunday - continued

My Keno magic has disappeared - I win something like $3 on a $39 ticket. Slowly but surely, the Keno pit is raking back my winnings. If only there was some way to stop them!

I try a parlay using the Strict Rules of Parlay, and get a quad on quarters, and then at 50 cents.

I have $150. I decide it's time to really take a flyer, and funnel it all into 50 cent Boner Deluxe, thinking a quad run could make me some real money. This is the first time in the trip I commit a decent amount of money at a higher denom at video poker. About 25 times I get dealt three of a kind but can't close to get a single damn quad. All I need is one and I'll add $200 to the meter. It's a struggle and in the end, futile. But I get to push the buttons for a while.

I find myself frustrated. Some other things happen that completely piss me off, but there's no point in discussing them here. The smart thing, I decide, is to drink heavily in my room until I can enjoy myself again.

After a couple of hours of fussing, I finally go down for my nap. I'm a bit bloaty and gassy too. But I don't spit up, so there's that.