Let's All Go To The Lobby

Day 5 and time to get out of the Excalibum hellscape and move to where I am wanted and recognized - the Downtown hellscape.

Everything is chugging along well. My coffee setup continues to work perfectly. Snacks are on point. Haven't lost too much money. Lots of play!

I did my morning routine and didn't play at Excalibur except for burning $30 in point play. Nothing came of it but 3 minutes of fun, just like an Elko brothel.

Speaking of which, my buddy Bobby G was enroute to spend a day with me in Vegas, which is something, considering he was just here last week.

His trip started with nothing but stress, watching a storm move through the mountains the last couple of days, making it unsure what the trip to Salt Lake City would be like, where he would catch a flight to Vegas.

And sure enough, at 6:00 am, he was hitting the road after the biggest snowfall Elko has seen this season - 6" of the white crap dumped overnight. But he was on the road and making good enough time.

I packed up all my stuff, taking my time, had a shower, and finally checked out of the King's Shingles. My 'comped' stay was $285. Four resort fees at $45 per, and four days of parking at $20, plus taxes on all of that. One wonders, don't one.

It was still cold and windy in Vegas, and our own mountains had received a dusting of the evil fluffy shit.

I got to Main Street Station around 10:30 and checked in. I could get my room early - for a fee of $25. I really didn't want to leave all my stuff in the Honda Cletus until 3:00 pm.

"I'll do it!" I said, hoping in the back of my mind that maybe my host would pick up the charge at the end of my stay.

The room is... okay. At least, I got the sunny south side, which is noisy, as opposed to the north side, which is noisy.

The last time I'd stayed at Main Street was with the Quad Queen, some years ago. It brought back lots of memories. Main Street was our go-to before we shifted to the Cal.

As I punched the 'L' elevator button, I heard a voice in my head, singing, something I haven't thought about in ages. The Quad Queen used to torment me by planting the movie  earworm song "Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, and get ourselves some snacks."

There I was, tormented once again from the beyond. I smiled.

At the Cal, I took a selfie for YoLeven in front of the doors of what used to be the Maile conference room, site of the only place in Vegas I've been thrown out of. (See Curse of the Single Lonely Diner Table).

I needed a pre-gambling meal, and Loco Moco at the Market Street Cafe in the Cal hit the spot.

The updates from Bobby G were coming in occasionally - he'd made it through the worst of the weather and was looking good to make Salt Lake City on time.

I embarked on a gambling spree that begs the question: "Will I ever learn?"

These lessons come hard and you would think I could corral the degenerate in me a little better by now. I'm getting ahead of the events though, so let's take a look.

The game, Jacks or Better. I lost $100, and put in another $100, and finally I hit a quad on 50 cents. No, I wasn't bitter about it being Deuces with a kicker - that wasn't the game I intended to play. I was looking for longevity and maybe a trip to Dollar Land.

A couple more quads came my way. Nice!

It was time to employ the Strict Rules of Parlay and switch up to dollars.

And so I did. And boy, the hits kept on coming! It was a thrilling run!

I ran that sucker up as high as $580, trying to hit $600, where I would cash out, I reckoned.

In a situation like this, I almost always employ a strategy where I cash out a ticket, and put back $100 cash to continue the play. That limits how much I can lose back, because I know my tendency to chase when the meter is dropping down.

For some reason, I just forgot to do this and it cost me dearly. There's no cutesy way to say it, I blew it all back. Lesson learned. Yet again.

I'd taken a situation where I was up $380 to where I was down $200. Well done, Flushiepants!

Yikes. Angrily, I pulled my card and started walking. Anywhere.

Meanwhile, Bobby G had made the airport, gotten through security (with some glitches), and was waiting to board the plane. And it was snowing in Salt Lake.

So the flight was delayed.

I found myself over at Main Street Station and lost a couple of hundred more. This was not looking good. I was down $400 already on the day, and the trip total was looking like making it a winner was out of reach.

I cooled off in the room for a while and pondered how I was going to turn this around. 

The Tip Bully

Day 4, also known as Tuesday. It was very windy today in Vegas, the weather hasn't been too great so far.

But what do I care, I'm usually pounding the buttons of some gambling machines indoors, in a dimly lit, smoky casino somewhere.

The morning routine went as usual and as I prepared to head out, I thought about where I was gambling-wise.

Down $300 on the trip after two full days of gambling wasn't such a bad result.

I went down to the casino here at Excalibur and played triple play quarters, shoving $100 into the machine.

You always have these sort of goals in your mind - 'I have to get this $100 up to $400 to get even' - that sort of thing. It's good to have goals in life.

Well, what a run I had! It was fantastic. The quads just kept coming, including three sets of Pointies for $100 each. I played for about an hour and a half, non-stop.

That's a total of ten four-of-a-kinds. Sessions like this make up for those horrible ones where you don't hit any. I prefer these ones.

Amazingly, I hit my goal number right on the nose and cashed out $400, putting me dead even on the trip!

I was bound and determined to get at least one buffet out of my $100 resort credit, so I took the longgg longgg escalator upstairs and headed for the trough.

There was no line-up and the cashier rang me through. Before I charged the meal to my room, she asked me, "Would you like to include the tip now?"

I bristled. Like virtually everyone, I am sick and tired of being Tip Bullied.

"Now, why would I do that when I have no idea what the meal is going to be like, or the service? No, thanks," I said.

After the transaction was done, there was still nobody in line, so I asked her about it.

I pointed out that I didn't like it, and it hadn't happened before on previous visits. What did she think?

She kind of agreed that it was pushy. It is something that just recently appeared on the computer system as the transaction was processed. The question pops up on her screen and she does her job and asks.

So, in this case, this 99th thing in a row that has been done to make the resort experience at MGM worse can be pinned (as usual) on a stupid management decision.

All the check in staff at Excalibur and Luxor have been replaced with self-serve kiosks. At the buffet, you have to get your own drinks, whereas before, the staff would bring them for you. You make your own waffles. They do less and less for you but now want to force you into tipping?

The staff at the buffet have exactly two jobs. One, remove dirty plates. Two, protect the precious condiment resources from the customers that want them. Why they don't just leave the hot sauce and ketchup on the table, I will never understand.

I don't know if it's just my imagination, but I thought the buffet food was noticeably worse than the last time I was here in December. Prime Rib was not available - replaced with 'Top Round' or some shit.

And is it my imagination that the buffet used to be open through dinner, whereas now it closes at 2:00?

I left a $5 cash tip. I'm not (always) a heartless bastard.

After brunch, I formulated a brilliant plan. Because I had dropped like $400 on video Keno at Luxhole the previous day without hitting a goddamned thing, I would go back there and most likely win.

This did not occur. This valuable lesson cost me only $200.

Looking back over the trip, I have not had one single win on video Keno (including all of today). It really is a terrible game.

I played that Wonder4 or 4Wonder or whatever it is - that multiscreen thingy - on the cruise, and kind of enjoyed it, so I tried some BUFFFFFFFALO! on it, at $4.80 a spin.

It actually went okay for quite a long while. I played about half an hour in total. And I lost another $200 doing it.

But I did get to experience the screen stretchy multi-screen wonder-ful special bonus round thingy.

It paid $38.50. Five minutes previously, I'd had a normal un-Wonder-ful bonus for over $50. So, yeah. One and done.

I was now kind of in a losing tilt mode and some more money went by the wayside.

The only kind of 'success' I had was a solid hour on Triple Double Bonus, trying to hit a big premium quad. But I just couldn't get it done.

I did get four threes, but didn't get the kicker - $100 instead of $500.

Shit. I was now down $400 on the day, a $700 drop since my morning Bonus Poker run. I took some downtime in the room, resting and sitting in the sun.

Erwan of Las Vegas Jaunt was in town, so we made plans to get together and have a chat. I hopped in the Honda Cletus and made a stop at a Bank of America ATM.

I don't like having minimal cash resources at hand.

The ATM was out of cash. Was someone trying to tell me something? If so, I wasn't listening.

I drove to a second ATM and loaded up the Travelambo. Then I headed for Bellagio.

The Hard Rock guitar hotel is really taking shape - and it is going to be MASSIVE.

I met up with Erwan and we had a coffee and a good visit. He's doing some really interesting things with his friend Claude in AI.

Because I am a little bit mean and bitter, I showed Erwan how video Keno works. It cost me another $15, but misery loves company. Erwan, I hope it doesn't break you!

After that I headed back to the Dirty Castle.

And that was it for the day. I just ate snacks and things in the room for dinner.

I feel tired. And, I'm kind of getting sick of the soul-sucking lameness of Excalibur and Luxor. After being in Bellagio, I'm reminded that there are much nicer places to be, with better looking people more in keeping with my countenance and station in life.

Which is actually more of a station wagon, but whatever.

I stay at these places because I get more free/cheap room nights. I suppose the one bedroom Tower suite at Luxor is kind of worth it when I get it - but if I'm not really enjoying it, maybe I should be staying at better places - being more Royally Royal.

It's the same kind of feeling I had last time I was jammed in on the airplane. Maybe I've just had enough of a below-mediocre experience?

Tomorrow I have surprises! And I move downtown.

As it stands, after 3 days of many hours of video poker I'm down $715. Onward!

Horses Make Hay Into Horseshit

Day 3 and the weather forecast was not good - but what was the gambling forecast?

The Portable Kettle, for which I have yet to devise a suitable nickname, performed amazingly well, considering the adverse conditions and unskilled operator.

I put water into it, using the Water Entry Opening at the top, engaged the temperature selector touch-button the correct number of times to select 212F water, and the Portable Kettle deftly heated that water, just as it was programmed to do. Gosh, what a marvel.

The in-room coffee was a success, and so was room camping breakfast.

Looking out the window, I noticed an area next to the parking garage that looked kind of interesting. I quickly figured out that I was looking down at a Horse Garage and Exercising Gym. No doubt, this was where the steeds for the Tournament of Kings show live.

I also got to watch someone carting some stuff out of the Horse Garage and putting it into a sort of trailer. Yup, those horses are full of horseshit.

I feel bad for those poor horses. Not sure what kind of a life they have living in such a confined space. At least they get to run around once a day while Johnny Tourist pretends to be a Knight of the Sherwood Forest King or whatever and throws his Cornish game hen bones over his shoulder like Tyer Fruck. 

With the blogging out of the way, I put together a bit of a plan. My right shoe had suffered a blowout at the back - a little piece of rubber was missing, and the sharp edges had rubbed a blister onto my Achilles heel. (This happened, of course, the day of departure for Vegas.)

Band-aids were working, but my heel was still sore, and let's be honest, they were a band-aid solution.

There was a Skechers store in the outlet mall south of here, and that's where I headed. Scored a new pair of shoes for $60 and figured out what to do next.

I grabbed a double cheeseburger from a nearby McDick's for lunch and decided to go and give Rio some play. They've been sending me weekly offers since I stayed there, usually 4 nights but pay the resort fee. And sometimes there was $100 no-stay 'Frioplay' mentioned, although that seems to have gone away.

Rio has been improving their VP offerings so maybe another stay there is in the cards, as it were.

Another factor in their favor is that the parking is free. The Honda Cletus took me there in no time.

I wandered a bit aimlessly through the confusing Rio casino, managed to get new players cards, and stumbled across and old school Double Diamond Double Top Dollar slot.

I put $20 in and it disappeared with only a single $2 win (cherries). So, the only logical thing would be to put $100 in. Which I did.

And I lost that too, but had all kinds of frustrating fun doing it. So much so that I put a second $100 in, lost most of that, but then won most of it back and finally cashed out down around $110 or something.

I hammered that machine for a solid half hour, in search of something I've never experienced.

Back in the day, Double Diamond was arguably the most popular slot machine theme around. I'm talking in the 1990s. And all my gambling career, I've never won the top prize - three Double Diamond symbols. Never ever.

The prize isn't over the top either, it should be one of the easier top prizes to win. With one credit bet, the three symbols typically pay 800.

It's a bucket list item to experience this once in my life - I've never won the top possible prize on any slot machine, for that matter.

I've also never won a purple $500 chip on a table game.

Now that I think about it, there are lots of things I've never done. I'd better get on with it!

I found some machines that VPFree said had some of the best video poker games at the Rio, sat down, and promptly played something else - that addictive Double Super Slutty Times Pay.

I started off at dimes, but quickly migrated to quarters, looking for that big score.

Boy, did I come close, as you'll see.

In the end, I played for almost 3 hours straight without a break. I went in as much as $400. I see-sawed between being almost out of credits and having $300 worth. I was at least holding out for a quad with multiplier on quarters. Or better.

First Quad on dimes. Multiplier!

Moved up to Quarters. No multiplier.

This hand could have changed everything. Three chances at a $4000 royal flush.

Denied. DASM!

Quad. No multiplier.

Quad. No multiplier.

Quad. No multiplier.

Kind of a nice result to get all three flushes.

FINALLY. Quad with multiplier. WOOT.

I cashed out with 1195 credits, just short of $300.

It was an intense three hours, and pretty tiring. I left Rio and headed back to the room to chill (promptly forgetting the new Skechers in the Cletus, thus negating any benefit this day from my purchase).

I'd been wondering how they get the horses from the Horse Garage to the Tournament of Kings arena.

Well, I can tell you, I now know.

They walk. That's how.

I chilled in the room for quite a while, had a cocktail, and talked to my sister Divana for a while.

My plan was to have buffet for dinner - I still have not used any of my $100 resort credit.

This brings up an ongoing pet peeve about the enshittification of Vegas in general, and Luxor / Excalibur specifically.

There's almost nowhere to eat.

The buffet was closed. It's now open from 7:00 am till 2:00 pm only. Ditto the Pyramid Cafe. Excalibur used to have a wonderful (and huge) coffee shop where you could always get a great meal. Long gone.

I have no interest in Dick's Last Resort, or Bucca di Bopper or whatever the fuck and their $57 ravioli.

The food court has some edible things, but you can't charge any of them to the room.

So, I walked all the way to Hussong's Cantina, between Luxor and Mandalay Bay.

Closed for a private function.

And that's how I ended up at Johnny Rocket's in the Luxor food court. Fortunately the burger was good.

I like the video Keno machines at Luxor, so that looked like the evening gambling plan, with a quick bash at BUFFFFFALO!!!!!!!

I actually won $40 at BUFFFFFALO!!!!!!! and kept the profit.

And this is where the trip thus far went off the rails. There are no more photos.

I played about $400 through video Keno at Luxor and hit nothing. It was just dismal. At one point I had 11 cards set up with 5 numbers, three nickels each (plus a 6 and a 7) so around $2 a throw.

I never, ever hit a 5 out of 5.

With the dregs of my day's (too large) budget, I played some dollar triple play Bonus Poker at Excalibur and of course, ended up completely tapped out.

Shit.

Horseshit, actually.

So that puts me down $300 on the trip. I hope I can turn it around tomorrow!