Monday, March 14, 2016

Wide World of Video Poker








Oh to be at the Golden Nugget on a Saturday morning. Yes, I arose, once again, and hurried down to Starbucks. Not that long ago they extended their hours so that super-early risers could get an overpriced shot of squirty brown stuff. And a cup of coffee too, if they wanted.

And I wanted.

I left one little detail out of Thursday's adventures. On my way out of the Tropicana, I strolled by the fast food emporium, luggage in tow. This is where they give out the chocolate chip cookies. This is where they'll give out about 9 of 'em if you've gotten extra coupons from your $20 check-in lobbyist bribe tip.

Giving people stuff is kind of weird. I never seem to get it right. I approach people in various ways, sometimes gently, sometimes abruptly, but there is always that 'deer-in-the-headlights alert and alarmed and I'm not sure I like the looks of you and I might as easily shoot you as eat a hamburger' moment, and no matter how I try, I can't seem to skip it to get to the 'oh, you're giving me something free and convinced me you aren't trying to sell me an overpriced way off strip Vegas timeshare that I'll never use after the first 2 years and never be able to trade for a week anywhere else' look.

The same damn thing happened again. I found a likely looking group of four folks, waiting for their grub, I sidled up and said, "Excuse me..." (deer headlights, reach for shiv) "do you folks like chocolate chip cookies?" (shiv slid under table, eyes narrow). I held out the coupons. (not a timeshare, not a crack-head Nazi meth food court rapist, just free cookies - woohoo!).

So that's how that happened, and for once, I didn't get shivved or shot. And the cookie coupons ended up in good hands. Dump that into the karma bucket with my name scrawled on it's plastic face with Sharpie.

My karma bucket is about as high as your waist, with sloping sides. It's about 5 foot square and its on wheels. It's made of dirty, semi-translucent yellowing nylon or plastic of some sort. There are food scraps in the bottom of it, and not much else.

Except the karma from about 9 free cookie coupons.

Where was I?

Nugget. Coffee. Casino. Morning VP.

Casinos are weird early Saturday morning. There are always a group of partyers, usually at the craps table, still going from the night before.

Their whooping and hollerin' and sloppy carrying on fills the air and is so annoying.

How I wish I were one of 'em!!!

I played some short-pay Bonus triple play, over by the Grille. After about $80 in, I hit a quad.
And look, four Pointies!
I played this through, though.

Over in the high limit room, I discovered a semi-reasonable short pay DDB paytable on a quarter multi-play machine.

The only thing was, you have to play a minimum of ten hands at a time.

Fuck you, Nugget, I can fade that action! That's ten chances to win, baby. I've actually done very well on an older ten play game at the Cal (except that it is full pay, of course).

Squint hard, there are four Pointies there.

What happened next was, perhaps, the defining hand of the trip. You see, if I had been dealt the fifth card of a Royal, I'd be looking at a $10,000 win, and the entire trip would be a winner.

But no, instead, dreaded four-to-a-Royal, which looked like this:

No $10K for me, but still, ten individual chances at a Royal. Each one was a 1 in 47 shot, so I had a 10 in 47 shot of getting at least one. Hell, why not get two or three?

I got the Quad Queen on Facetime so she could watch.

I got ready to press draw...

And...

And...

And...


Today on Wide World of Video Poker - The Thrill of Agony, the Victory of Defeat (with apologies to Vinko Bogataj).

Nothing, diddly, sweet fuck all. Not even a pair, a flush, a straight.

I hung up.

I had failed. Oh how I had failed. The situation required that I push the button in a lucky manner at a lucky time and instead, I had not, I had pressed the button in an unlucky manner and stepped in ten steaming piles of Chippy shit (Chippy being our beloved, faithful Dane-hua-hua, with her huge head, and a tiny body, and full of love, and sometimes shit.)

To say I was frustrated, would be an understatement. This represented my 10th through 19th attempt from four-to-a-Royal for the trip, all failed.


I played on, and in quite a bit of anger, which is always stupid, and soon I was down $500. I find it very hard to stop playing when I'm on tilt, even though I know I should. I find it next to impossible.

I ate breakfast at the buffet and noticed a few guys from the band sitting nearby. On one of my many passes with laden plates, I stopped and mentioned I was at the show and that they did a good job and that I enjoyed it. I recognized the violin guy, the guitarist I think, and the drummer.

I kept it short, and the drummer put his shiv away as I was left, when he realized I wasn't a timeshare salesman.
Taters 'n CTUG, blintze, veg of some sort, fried chicken.

Salad. Fruit. How the mighty have fallen.
I ate while gazing out the window. I always ask for a window table at the buffet. It's a pretty nice view. I got a reminder that some people's jobs are a lot worse than mine, like this guy:
The reason I got no pool area sunshine at the Nugget.
My day was in the dumper and it was only breakfast. I needed to figure this out. I needed a change. I needed a plan.

And I came up with one - structured full pay Boner Deluxe run at the Plaza.


Spanning the casino to bring you
The constant variety of sports...
The Thrill of Agony
The Victory of Defeat
Spanning the globe...
The human drama of savvy competition...

Burma-Shave.



2 comments:

  1. BOOOOOOO! Piss bucket, mother chicken nugget! Oh how I hate missed opportunities. I feel your pain, nothing worse then going on tilt! Except of course losing your bankroll winning all your bankroll back, and then going on tilt again losing all your lost bankroll win and then some. This is what I call Curse of the Degenerate and Ol Funkhouser has suffered its affliction many a time. Buck up, little chippy is rooting for you.

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  2. That pic made me think of the new ski jump movie with Bubbles from the Trailer Park Boys. I think that's him at least. It's a comedy, right? With Wolverine? He's Canadian I think.

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