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Monday, June 26, 2017

Loser. Here Alone. Be Nice To This Poindexter







Day 7 - Monday May 22, 2017

I roasted like a Kalua Pig all night. It had gotten hot in Vegas with daytime temperatures hitting the mid nineties, and not really cooling off much at night.

The Little AC Unit That Could... couldn't. I ran it full blast and wore earplugs all night. Relaxing, eh? I had pretty high Vegas Nosality in the morning and I felt like crap - all stuffed up. Not to mention various tendons were complaining from my hike the other day. You know what I needed? A round of the Jonesing Korean Ribs, that's what. Lunch wasn't far off. But first, breakfast!

I took my little Bonebook computer with me downstairs and ate at the coffee shop. Then I went up to the Mezzanine level and got a coffee and plopped down at a table to do some Interneting. And when that was done, went back up to the room and packed, ready to do the East West Tower Shuffle.

Down at the lobby, I lucked out. The room they'd pasted my name onto was ready to roll. I got my keys and headed back to the elevator to - oooh, look, 9/6 Jacks or Better coin dropper ancient uprights!

What the heck. I'd been a pretty good boy so far. Maybe I'd have some luck. I pumped $100 into a lucky looking little machine.



And in about 6 hands I was dealt a quad for $125. Nice!



I cashed out $200, a win of $100. Great way to start the day's gambling.

I had a keno ticket and cashed that in, netted me $7. That is, $7 more than the ticket cost. As in a win at keno. Unheard of!

The only thing to do, of course, was to purchase a replacement keno ticket. I decided to explore way tickets so I could use my 'play the same numbers in variations' strategy. Max explained it all and we figured out something that was reliable, would do the job, not use too much gas, and that I could make the payments on.


What does all this mean? I have 22 tickets in one. Each ticket costs 25 cents. The ticket is good for 10 games. Basically, I picked 6 numbers and have a ticket for all the permutations of 4 numbers you can make from those 6. There are 15 of them. And all the permutations (ahem, ways) you can make 5 numbers out of a group of 6. There are six of those. And here's one you can understand, all the ways you can make 6 numbers out of 6 - one way.

I did the East West shuffle with all my gear and moved into a wonderful West Tower room. No more mold, no more howling Little AC Unit That Could (but Wouldn't). I moved in, got unpacked, and took a long, long, long hot shower.

But before that, a couple of strange things happened. One, there was a ring in the safe. I called the Ring Police and they came up and took it away, along with a patented Official Royal Flusher Business Card 2.0.

And the other weird thing was I almost won a shitload on my keno ticket.

As you can see, 8, 9, 10 and 20 came up. All I needed was either 19, or 30 and I would have won a decent amount. As it was, I had 1 group of 4. One additional number and I would have had a 5 out of 5, and five 4 out of 4s. I think it all came to $450 for just one more stupid little number.

But NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Meanwhile, my host at T.I. had yet to get back to me about the ridic internet charges. And double meanwhile, I found out my cousin Gerard was in town with his wife. In fact, they were staying at Bally's and had been there the very morning I got my ass kicked.

I got in contact with Gerard and figured out how to meet up for lunch. And I hatched a little plan to try to deal with the stupid T.I. bill once and for all. What good is having a host if they don't return your calls or texts?

We figured out the timing and they suggested Mirage as a pick-up point, which was perfect. At the appointed time, I hopped in the Asshat and bolted south. The plan? Valet park at T.I. and see my stupid host in person, if possible. Then head next door to pick up Gerard.

At the last second, I decided on self parking at T.I. Might as well save $5, right? I went to the host's office - closed. I went to the other host's desk by the cage and spoke to a nice woman named Lisa. She looked up all my stuff and asked me who my host was. I told her and she said, "Oh, she's working today."

I seethed inside, pissed that she hadn't returned a call, text or email evn though she was on duty. Lisa took down all the info and said she couldn't do anything "because the computers are down". But she'd pass it alllll on to my host. And she'd get back to me. I knew that would get me a triple decker serving of Club Fuck All. Because I'd hit for a grand on my last night there.

On my way out of T.I., I spotted the Killer Fifty Cent Machines of Death. And I thought, "I'd planned to valet and had $5 in tips ready. But I self parked. That five bucks is like found money I wouldn't have had..."

So, yeah, fuck yeah, I played the five bucks. And I ran that shit up to $30 and cashed out $25 profit. Take that T.I. That was 20% of the stupid internet charge right there.

I swung into the Mirage at exactly the appointed time - dead on balls accurate. Gerard and his wife were right by the brass-boobed mermaid, right on time. They piled in and we headed to the Peppermill. I wanted to show them that you can get a decent sandwich on the strip for less than $27.

Gerard is very good at pinky-pointing. Classy guy!



Gerard and I opted for Reubens and his wife Linda went the husband-shaming route with a big healthy salad. How'm I supposed to enjoy a Reuben and onion rings that I know is bad for me but which fact I can conveniently push aside in my pea-brain - notwithstanding the rub-your-nose-in-it healthy woman-salad on the table, underlining the point that my lunch will more than likely kill me in the parking lot?

We had a great visit and I was sad to say goodbye. Gerard and Linda were on a plane that very night, and so it made sense that they wanted next to see the Fashion Show Mall. Again, perfect for me - I dropped them off and high-tailed it back to the Cal, full o' Reuben 'n Rings.


Did I mention it had gotten HOT in Vegas? This did not bode well for future hiking expeditions. What could I possibly find to do instead in a town like Las Vegas?


Things at the Cal were not so great. I played a bunch of machines, including my Triple Play Deuces machine, and the best thing that happened to me was a hug from a friendly cocktail waitress and a decent pour. And the second best thing was winning a few bucks on keno. And the third best thing was yet another nap. I was starting to feel like Andy Capp and Dagwood rolled into one.

I guess that makes me Handy Crapwood.

The only thing keeping me going... was the idea of first digesting the Huge Reuben to such point as I could cool my rib jones by mainlining the Korean Short Ribs for dinner.




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