Saturday, January 14, 2017

Mr. ALOHA

As I sit here in frozen Flusherville, Ontario, typing away on the VIC-20 keyboard that Jimmy Poon gave me to use, I've been reflecting on a number of things about 2016.

Jimmy Poon believes in something called 'side-cycling'. The definition of sidecycling, as far as I can figure it, means either some old piece of shit technology -or- some new, but of dubious origin knock-off piece of shit technology - and foisting it off on me.

Foisting should be a crime - but it isn't. I'm starting an organization, currently un-named, because every fancy six letter acronym that spells a cute word - like J.U.I.C.E.S for the Junior Underachieving Ignorant Crook Equestrians and Secretariats club - was taken.

Every single one.

"Foisting. You don't have to take it."

That's my new anti-foisting slogan.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Make Me Smile

Living life is just a game so they say
All the games we used to play fade away

It's been a weird year, in the sense that never in my life have I had more opportunities to get Royals Flush (number of hands played, dealt four-to-a-royals, amount of multiplay) than I had this year.
In the time in front, the time in back. Or, the Future is in the Past.
And yet, as the afternoon wore on, I had to begin to come to grips with the fact that I was probably not going to get a single Royal in Vegas in 2016 - my lone Royal would be the one I nailed from four at the Flusherville Casino and Bingo, which has about 19 machines and a blackjack table with half the felt missing. (I've heard rumblings that the felt may be replaced next year, due to the Sliver Injury class action lawsuit now before the magistrate.)

When will I be back in Vegas? I honestly don't know. But I think it's going to be a while. Don't worry, I'll still be around in one form or another.

Meanwhile, though, there is more shocking Vegas action (carpet static) to describe!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Man-in-the-Moon Eggs Over Hard

Thurs Dec 28, 2016

I went down, grabbed a cappuccino from Lapperts, and strolled confidently over to where my nice little triple-play machine, the one that I've been able to play for a fairly long period on not too much cash, the one that I've been begging for four Deuces dealt, the one I don't think I've mentioned was and found it... gone.

Three hulking squawking mammoth bright as the sun loud as thunder video slot behemoths were being installed where my nice little old school machine was.

Fortunately, I found it way off in another part of the casino, and I commenced to play, constantly chanting that I wanted four Deuces dealt. I did okay, I guess, but ultimately spent $80, less $2.50, which is not enough for a hand.

I cashed that out and strolled the one step over to the nearest machine, shoved the $2.50 ticket in, and pulled up Boner Deluxe.

Played the first hand, nothing.

Played the second hand.

Last Day In Vegas

The rest of the day finished with a whimper, not a bang. Or maybe it was more of a whoopee cushion Flarp.

I've had days like this before. You go to the casino, full of good intentions and hope, minding your own business, start to play....

...and bad luck follows you from machine to machine to machine. You can't hit a thing no matter what you do.

Sometimes a change in venue makes the difference, don't ask me why. Streaks are weird. And bad in your underwear.

It turned out that the Quad Queen was not in nearly as bad shape as I thought in the last post. At that writing, she was only down $80 on the day. I had hopes that she would cover my losses.

And for a while it looked good. While I was bashing at a triple play deuces machine, she hit this for $200: