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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The pen is mightier than the slot

I've been so down trying to recover from the Curse of #23 Ron Lancaster which led to the Roughriders losing the Grey Cup, and more importantly my $10 wager which would have brought $60 in winnings.

To lighten things up, Mrs. F and I decided to take a break and visit the Flusherville Casino. It features a blackjack table, a craps table on Friday and Saturday nights and over a dozen exciting slot machines for non-stop gaming action. There is also a snack bar.

Upon arrival, I stopped at a table which was laden with free pens. Attached to each pen was an 'informative' card. The government runs the Flusherville Casino, so it's also their burden to warn us about the perils of gambling. The pens were really sweet - in muted tropical fruit tones, with a see through silicon grip and brushed aluminium accents. They had amazing 'pen feel' and I snagged two of them.

One of the little cards said, "Did you know that slot machines don't pay back as much as they take in? Gamble responsibly!"

The other little card said, "You are a Loser! Gamble responsibly!"

Was this a foreshadowing of things to come?...

I didn't care - I'd scored two free pens!

We updated our slot cards and were awarded $5 in free slot play each and entries into some stupid draw. We were on our way. I shoved my slot play voucher into the nearest video poker machine and started to play. I dropped down a bit. Then I went up a bit. Then I dropped down a bit. Then I built up to $10.00 in the machine.

I thought, "This is easy!"

Mrs. Flusher was playing right next to me and in the next 7 minutes we were each down $60 after having to start feeding twenties into the hungry machines. Bollocks!

I decided to try some slots. I won nothing.

I tried the craps table, buying in for $60. It was gone in about 9 minutes and 23 seconds. (Damn you Ron Lancaster!)

I returned to find the Quad Queen quadless. We took a break for a delicious supper at the snack bar. I had the guy cut Mrs. F's tuna sandwich into quarters so she could really take her time relishing its amazing taste. After all, yes, we were celebrating her birthday. The snack bar guy even opened a new bag of potato chips for garnish! Ooooo-la-la!!!!!!!

How can I put this? The rest of the night went just as the first had. Badly.

I should have cashed out that initial $10 and left the Flusherville Casino right then and there because I was never up on any of the buy-ins I made all night. Mrs. Flusher was in the same boat.

Total time in the Flusherville Casino - 57 minutes. Time spent eating tuna and peanut butter and jam sandwiches, respectively - 40 minutes. Total losses - $400.

There. I said it. It isn't all win-win-win in my world, much as you would tend to believe that.

I got home and clicked one of the pens to try it out.

The see through silicon grip lit up. It has a little light in it. Goddamn well better - its a $200 frigging government anti-gambling pen.

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