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Friday, January 8, 2010

Royal Flusher's New Year's Gambling Resolutions

Hey everybody, and welcome to 2010. It's nice to be here.

Been very busy with all the Christmas chores, working on a rec room in the basement since there was a 3 week layoff at North American Veeblefetzer.

I guess the bottom fell out of the size 7 grommet market when Dubai went tits up for 60 billion dollars or whatever it was.

Let's take a look at some New Year's resolutions. These are little rules that you make for yourself to keep you from screwing up, and to shape you into the person you wish you were but will never actually be.

1. No more short pay video poker.

Harrah's, MGM-Mirage, pretty much the entire Las Vegas strip, Flusherville Charity Casino, this means all of you. I get a better gamble downtown or at local's places in Vegas and that's where my hard-earned grommet line pay is going.

2. Better variety when ordering from cocktail waitresses.

Why drink the same old drinks? This year I'm steppin' out with orders like "Bring me every liquor that starts with the letter B." Or maybe I'll ask for some real top-shelf stuff like Johnny Walker Plaid, or Absolut Cristal Air Patron Gold Blue One Billion Proof (the one with the gecko).

3. Parlay, parlay, parlay.

It's time to ramp up from whites to reds, from reds to greens, from greens to blacks, and on to yellows and chocolates and... Seriously, now and again, I need to quit taking piddly as $32 profits from the craps tables and laying some stuff out there.

4. Never shake hands in the men's room.

This is just real, solid, common sense advice I wish I had heeded a lot more often. I can't tell you how many ways this scenario ends badly.

5. First in line, all the time.

It's madness to go to the buffet at off times like 2:45pm. No, you gotta get there when the stuff is coming out fresh, or don't bother.

6. I will hit some big-ass royals.

I gotta stop screwing around with the 25 cent stuff. The only problem is, when you hit a dollar royal, and you hail from Flusherville, they take 30% off the top for taxes. You end up with $2800.

7. Yeah but it's TWENTY EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS not a thousand.


8. More pool time.

I love the concept of clearing the Wynn pool and having the entire facility, with its waterfalls, plunge pools, cabanas, and showers and $16 million dollar landscaping job all to myself by simply dropping an Oh Henry bar in the shallow end and watching everyone scatter for their rooms like greasy red lobsters on steroids.

Okay that last simile was a bid odd, but you get the idea - really fast-moving, red, greasy lobster-like people running for the hills.

9. Master basic strategy.

For the love of God, learn not to split 10s.

10. Foil the casino second hand smoke irritation and take up smoking for Vegas.

I hear it's easier if you start with the patch and work up to it.

Have a Royal Year everybody!!!


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