I'm not sure if Chippy knows right from left though.
That situation with the Barnes & Nobull Color Nook has got me on edge. I've got $275 tied up in that thing and at this point, it would seem only the Stewart St. post office (which does not publish a contact number) knows where it is.
You see, the problem is - Mrs. Flusher checked out at 3:00am this morning. And the package is nowhere to be seen. Certainly she doesn't have it. And I'm not gonna get it.
I called the post office's automated 800 service.
"Hello! Thank you for calling the US Postal Service automated service. You can say 'ok' to continue."
"OK."
"Thank you. To track a package, say track a package. To ask about postal rates and delivery - "
"Track a package."
"I'm sorry. I didn't get that."
"TRACK A PACKAGE."
"You said - Track a Package. Is that right?"
"YES!"
"I'm sorry - I didn't get that. To track a package, say track a package. To ask about postal rates and delivery -"
"TRACK A FUCKING PACKAGE!!!!!!!!!!""I'm sorry - I didn't get that. To track a package, say track a package. To ask about postal rates and delivery -"
"Track. A. Package.""You said - Track a Package. Is that right?"
"YES!"
"Okay. I can help you."
I let out a big sigh of relief and let the stupid automaton drone on.
"Do you have a package tracking number?"
"Why yes, I do."
"I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Do you have a package tracking number?"
"OK"
"Please recite the package tracking number."
The tracking number has like 300 digits. Its absolutely insane.
"1 9 2 9 4 1 1 0 39 38 0 204 0 69 69 69 69 8 10 411 911 86 666"
"Did you say '1 9 2 9 4 1 1 0 39 38 0 204 0 69 69 69 69 8 10 411 911 86 666. You can say 'OK' or 'No'.'"
By God I did!!!!
"OK!"
"The package has been issued for delivery. Would you like to track another package?"
"Where is it?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't get that."
"WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. IT????"
"I'm sorry. I didn't get that."
"TAKE A LONG HARD SUCK ON IT SISTER!!!!"
"I'm sorry you are having trouble..."
A long pause and then a very wistful "Goodbye..." followed by a disconnect.
So I cut to the chase and called the Smug Nugget. I started with the Desk. Explained my story. Next, the Business Center. Explained my story. Next, the bell desk, which is also shipping.
There, I spoke to Roger, with the head of shipping and freight for the Golden Nugget. I explained my story. Gave him Mrs. Flusher's name. Whimpered a little bit.
"Yes, sir I have it right here."
My jaw hit the kitchen table making a sound like a bowling ball dropping onto a bank's terrazo floor. For a moment I wondered how the sound I'd heard when my jaw fell triggered such a cloying, ridiculous simile. Then I pressed on.
"You have it? FANTASTIC!!!" My Color Nook was Found!!! But what to do with it?
I'd had it with this charade. I had to face it - I was never going to get my beautiful new Color Nook.
"Send it back, ok?"
He said he could do that.
The day wore on and I pondered how I would know it was sent back. I got on the phone to Barnes and Nobull and spent 2 hours - TWO FULL HOURS - getting shuffled between Ordering, the Digital Department, Customer Service, and Lube, Oil & Filter.
A couple of times the line went dead just as I was getting somewhere.
I explained my story about 10 times. And I had them on the ropes - they were going to issue a refund based on "Buyer's Remorse". HA!
At one point, these poindexters asked me for the serial number of the device. I think I did cry a little bit at that point.
Then they started talking shipping label and RMA number. Another few on-hold sessions with their Fluffer-specialty humpy humpy porno on-hold music. And then the volume of the call just faded away to nothing.
The rep and I were screaming at each other. Nobody could get a message across. I finally hung up in frustration.
Then panic set over me.
I had to get to Roger before his day ended. It was quarter to eight eastern time. I called his number and prayed. No answer. I called again. No answer. Left a message and my phone number.
Like he'd call me back. Right.
He called me back!!!
"Roger - do you by any chance... still have that package?"
"Yes sir, I do. It's right here in my office."
"Roger, hang on to it. Don't return it. They need an RMA number and they need to send me a label. If I forward the label to you can you take care of re-addressing the package?"
He could.
Now I finally knew what to do. Plan D.
And just because you have read this far, here are some gratuitous obligatory fuzzy cellphone shots of the Quad Queen's exploits.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinb5SQ50hp9qfXTwMlASTSSxqyC-Wtxie2986M-xH5qtQue882ou-g1lK2mgy36qBCGNBwXW702zKf4ZQvEp1fHSNgenTMROPm0LmzIKI479PviiT4VaADZOCIpLMp_r_UOFbwN-YQycG7/s640/97ec8d7d.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxgNIRxVSb_DLI1LwkIG9XH6WYx5OHTP7RYVsURm_J7p6aJO6KUgIlBgjF2ORdMu-zZ7xN3BSoA0etVSDymKXh0KovdGCPGXB0xBBmSO0tDKPh3y6dwYAGMzwNdKrsFihBiT62wAAzFrET/s640/b4c1fc37.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVb8vcJKSLJCZIzI1RId6b037_xfxfJSYVlFTJGwBYYmhsr0zgSbHZZ-JIeI8DIWwjocVEsgbnuEyepr1I9YxAXhhb4g790wnLQ1Vk4dDhe8GZp0pD8kvbEl45FPatE12Z3XKHEaHYy-0H/s640/693c4ea1.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMIRxQhq4x83zlCdjr5UnUMkKHbTm7cbjkonGcxYbNIgiJDofKSC4sjWvR_lz0JcyD9PqstSDxeF-H5ziaXdFxHRdi7hMCk2u0PgKu6EWqyl8bjoQxJJpqWimTGaG335WVfx9BHDpKBdSf/s640/e8b51cad.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQCGWQSv9_OIGCLA91Zcnx2_PNyGgJNgPAe9QgfyRqfl9hNwMQQRl75930PLakpk7aj1Xt9PSnPjmHTh4YwE77is6o4XnlQ53OxxKc51gxzev4r1ThWAVSsoow7w_V7Z-gwM3mNOuafp_6/s640/d46a1081.jpg)
The MotherFlusher.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw4YrafqtQ4oeP5JtZBUSpupg4c2i-LjUoLEMnhLFX8NMXmKwTAbEe1bRxZtxPG8PAtBrHrBOrXqcqCw7hoSxO-iA7n22Lpx2vyHqIcukIksjj1LI0J0IeEOTwplF8IiAM9HDYhRKBhGN_/s640/ec8d6cb3.jpg)
A couple of Pick'em Stinker-hands.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH55bc5C6xmDN6Vdfk2LIut_BTkanc5xQrLnZ5cGhBmD7Zw5rB1i5QBBWMBQLPcBRDvnswhLjOJ-q8a6UQVg8z7dUX6whbVZAH2Wqz6ljCeXY4aJ7LyGRhuMHYPfdqXmt3Bv5xTtjqCz-4/s640/0e26b316.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoqyp-beUd93LG39hgBWPe3KtU6vxFkTBBdG4PeKEzOtY_iGaw2DyeWzZ1zeBC-s3t70pz4Y8SLgSPWiiF83_PeVpwiL_rAB8-kNDv0km6mDu7TAt0wNYlu2KTKjGdCI1LFIJgRr2X6tql/s640/32796680.jpg)
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