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Sunday, August 21, 2011

How about a little Nooky to put you to sleep?

Well, I trucked up to The City and met up with my buddy in the lobby of the Nickle and Dime hotel at King and Main and unbelievably, he had a beautiful, new, shiny Nook Color for me.


After all this time.

We had a few drinks at the bar - what is it with hotel bars? A beer was $9 and a glass of wine $15. And you gotta add tip to that. That's almost $30 a round. Unfortunately my buddy became some sort of a wine-savemyheart-bojolay-snob in the last couple of years and he's always talking about 'chardonnay this' and 'baby duck' that. Screwtops vs. tetra paks. That kind of uppity nonsense.

I couldn't believe I had the Nook Color in my possession at last but I really did. It still had the latte scent of the Brazillian hotty stewardess on the shrink wrap.

Gathered myself together and hit the Friday traffic out of The City for Flusherville - made it home in time for a nice thick steak and salad, courtesy of Mrs. Flusher. She knows how to give a guy the meat.

Then it was downtown to take care of this weird sleep lab thing.

I had visions of being watched all night by Olaf or Borys or somebody, and as mentioned, doing something untoward and ending up the latest sensation on social media.

But I checked into the clinic and a lovely tanned young thing named Nicky took care of me. First she sat me down and started applying electrodes all over my head. She'd squeeze some sort of paste onto them - the better to pick up my twisted thoughts - and then tape them to me. I had about 12 of these on me including a couple on my calves. I told her there were no calves brains down there but she insisted.

I futzed around for a while as the other members of our sleep tribe got gussied up. Then Nicky led me to bed.

I wish it were as sexy as it sounds but I looked like a Christmas ham and had two electrode leads down my pants. Now that is a look that attracts the ladies.

She added a couple of bands - one around my mighty chest and one around my mighty gut. And then for fun, hooked me up with a rubber thing up my nose.

I hopped into bed and got my iPod ready to go.

"Good night, Mr. Flusher," she said warmly.

"Good night Nicky. Can I have a bedtime story?"


"Maybe the Little Red Tractor that Huffed and Puffed, or the Little Snoring Engine that Could All Night Long?"

"Right.... If you need anything in the night, like you have to go to the bathroom or get a drink, pull this cord. I'll come in and disconnect you from the hookup in the wall, OK? When I get back to my station, I'm coming on the intercom and will ask you to do some movements."

"Are you going to ask me to bark like a dog, or flap my arms like a chicken, just to see if you can get me to do it?"

Nicky suppressed a giggle and shook her head and closed the door.

Next came the crackle of the intercom. "Mr. Flusher?"

I looked up at the infrared camera and gave the thumbs up. "Hi Nicky. This is Night Flight 7. Read you loud and clear. Over."'

I could hear her eyes rolling.

"Look at the ceiling with your eyes open."

"10-4 good buddy."

I did. I was sure there was some reason for this. Maybe the electrodes at the corners of my eyes could pick up something.

"Good. Now close your eyes for 10 seconds."

I did.

"Good. Now look left and right rapidly."

I looked left and right and left and right until she told me to stop.

"Good. Now point flex your calf and point your right toe."

I flapped my arms like a chicken and barked three or four times.

"Mr. Flusher! Please!" she laughed over the intercom.

I did as I was told, and then did a bunch more tests and then... it was time. I popped the iPod in and hit Shuffle. And laid there for a good hour and a half before falling asleep.

Finally I woke up - it was 2:00am. No tent issues. Good. I'd been on my back as they wanted but I couldn't say I'd had any breathing problems. I turned over, plumped the pillow up so it wouldn't jam the electrodes much further into my skull, and dozed off again.

I spent the rest of the night flipping like an egg at a truck stop, over and back and over again. The next time I checked my watch it was 5:45am. I laid there until 6:00am, which is when the brochure said this night of relaxing sleep and relaxation would come to an end.

I pulled the ripcord and Nicky was there in an instant.

"Good morning, I'm ready to roll," I said.

She got me unhooked and pretty much gave me a free waxing given all the Krazy Glue tape that was on me. I asked if I had apnead all night long but of course, she wasn't allowed to say - I'd have to come in and see Dr. Hale to get the results. Either that or look on YouTube.

I got dressed and by 6:30am I was out of there, a free man with a Nook Color and a place to nap waiting at home.

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