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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Is Texas Closer to Flusherville than Vegas?

It would appear that Roger came through for me. FedEx's amazing service is doing exactly what it should be doing, unlike those lame laggards UPS. I think UPS stands for Undelivered Package Services.

Here's the latest update on where my Nook Color is:

Roger creates a way bill for my shipment and phones it in to FedEx for pickup.

Aug 1, 2011 12:06 PM Shipment information sent to FedEx

So the package was picked up from the Golden Nugget no later than say five-ish and lovingly transported to FedEx's state of the art origin facility.

Aug 1, 2011 5:56 PM Left FedEx origin facility NORTH LAS VEGAS, NV

From there, it winged its way to Graceland:

Aug 2, 2011 12:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location MEMPHIS, TN

And then on to Texas for some reason:

Aug 2, 2011 1:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location DALLAS, TX

And then back to Memphis:

Aug 2, 2011 2:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location MEMPHIS, TN

And then was gently placed on a conveyor (upholstered in leather softer than kid gloves) and carried onto one of FedEx's perfectly maintained aircraft, probably by that hot Brazilian stewardess on her day off. The crew arrived on time in their perfectly pressed FedEx uniforms. Just as the sun rose over the home of legendary Sun Studios, Captain Reliant pushed the throttles forward. The great jet raced down the runway like a winged thoroughbred, and arced into a perfect sky.

Aug 2, 2011 3:57 AM Departed FedEx location MEMPHIS, TN

The 'guys' break up their pre-shift card game, smiling and laughing together, ready to greet another exciting day of package sorting. A final swallow of hot freshly-brewed premium espresso and a wistful wave to one another, and they are off to their sorting stations.

"Good sorting, Jimmy!" says one.

"Good sorting, Manuel! Good sorting Butch!" says another.

"Good sorting Jimmy! Good sorting Butch! Good sorting Lucy!" says another (probably Manuel).

"Good sorting, Jimmy, Manuel! Good sorting, Butch!" says Lucy with a smile.

"Good sorting, Lucy, Butch!" says Jimmy, who forgot Lucy and Butch the first time.

"Get your asses to work!" says foreman Manny. They all laugh so hard they have tears running down their glowing faces. And it's off to the sort!

They all marvel at the different weights and sizes of the packages, and each one is treated like it contained eggs, or really fragile lidless urine samples that have to be kept upright. The package containing my Nook Color was deftly sorted, and sorted again just to be sure. It is placed in a taxi and sent on to Irving.

Aug 2, 2011 5:11 AM At destination sort facility MIAMI, FL

Crystal, the local Irving Miami rep for FedEx has met the taxi wearing a revealing nighty. She works part time for FedEx, in between shifts at the Squeaky Pole Gentleman's Club. She's holding the package close to her soft and welcoming bosom as she straddles her trusty imported Vespa (which is a bit noisy, but really easy on gas) for the trip to my buddy's house.

Aug 2, 2011 7:16 AM At local FedEx facility MIAMI, FL

Any of you reading from Florida right now might hear Crystal whiz by on her imported Vespa. She's quite a sight with that skimpy nighty breezing out behind her.

Aug 2, 2011 8:04 AM On FedEx vehicle for delivery MIAMI, FL

Ride, Crystal! Ride!!

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