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Monday, August 1, 2011

Moment of Truth for my Nook Color

Wow, I was surprised this morning to find that Roger pinged me to ask me how I wanted him to deal with the Nook Color that has been sitting in his office in Las Vegas all weekend.

That's a hell of a lot more than Barnes and Noble would do - they wouldn't even return my call - told me it was policy - when we were no longer able to hear each other.

Anyway, I checked out some rates to ship my Nook Color to Canada via FEDEX. Pardon my French but UPS can get bent. There is no way I am shipping anything with them ever again. First of all, they have hinged their company image on a brilliant marketing strategy which seems to be to trademark the color brown.


Brown is the most boring color there is. Brown is the color of excrement and packages which I paid for 1-3 business days shipping on but which are handed off to the post office for at least 2 days.

Brown is the suit you shouldn't have bought.

Brown is the color of dirt, the stuff you walk on.

No way baby, now that I have my Nook Color in possession by proxy, thanks to Roger Dodger's office, its FEDEX for me.

I checked out the rates to Canada. The slowest I could get it was a 6 day air shipping rate which goes through 15 different airport hubs. It costs $75.

They also had a FEDEX Global Premium Hybrid Air rate for $106. It takes 5 days. I think what happens is an agent drives it to the state line in his Prius, and then ships the package.

They also had a FEDEX Global Super Premium Pure Air rate for $132. It takes 3-4 business days. I think what happens is a hot Brazilian stewardess holds the package between her knees on a flight to Memphis on her off day - and she ships the package from there, sealing it with a kiss.

They also had a FEDEX Gold Global Super Premium Pure Air Plus (with up drop) rate for $185. I think what happens with this is they send it to Memphis using angels that they have on contract. These angels then bless the package, scan it, put it through the system, then pick it up again, dematerialize it, wish themselves to Flusherville, and then rematerialize it on my doorstep where I would find it surrounded by a faint glow the next morning, and be serenaded by a host of ghostly voices each time I bent to pick it up.

I love ghostly voices as much as the next guy but I decided on a cheaper action.

After careful consultation with Roger, I weighed my options like a surgeon figuring out his first incision.

Roger: "I can get you a discount on domestic - "

Me: "LET'S DO IT."

And that is how I came to give Roger my credit card information, and that is how I came to be in possession of an actual FEDEX tracking number.

Because my Nook Color e-reader, which I plan to hack into a great android tablet if I can ever get my paws on it, and which I have already paid for, is on its way to - where else - Florida.

Large, colorful photo of the Riviera, completely out of context with the blog post.

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