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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My Palate

Apparently, I have a big palate. I think that, as a man, this is something to be very proud of.

Just like you never forget your first Pauli Girl, you never forget a man with a big palate. Unless he's stopped breathing, that is.

I seem to have this tendency to have dreams where I'm scuba diving, everything is nice, floating along, under the sea, enjoying the sea creatures and colorful coral... except that I'm out of air and scrambling to take away Mrs. Flusher's regulator to get a breath, as the scientisms put it, of life-saving H2O.

I snore. I snort. I stop breathing. Apparently. Because when I wake up after a dream like that, sure enough, I am about to suck my lips into my lungs, I'm fighting so hard for oxygen.

After a short interval of prodding and cajoling (24 years) I finally went and saw Dr. N. Hale, who runs a small, but efficient sleep lab here in Flusherville. (I've seen a lot of 'love you long time' types going in and out of the back of his establishment so I wonder if he is making more in rent to an illicit 'rub and tug' than he is a sleep lab doc - but I digress).

Anyhoo.... just at the moment I am supposed to be taking delivery of my shiny new Color Nook (which has been from probably China, to San Fran, to Sparks Nevada, to Las Vegas, to the Golden Nugget, to Roger's Office at the Golden Nugget, to the Brazilian stewardess with the creamy latte thighs to the Vespa delivery chick Crystal in Miami to my buddy's place to my buddy's suitcase and finally to CANADA!) I am called to go in to see Dr. N. Hale about my so called 'apnea'.

They should call it 'napnea' but that's another dream I have.

Long and short, I saw the Dr. and as the butler in Arthur (the good one, not the sucky remake) said, "and he has seen me."

Can you imagine, the fucker told me to lose some weight? Why would globules of chubby fatness around my windpipe area contribute to my not being able to breathe properly while completely comatose after four double vodkas and an ill-chosen Bellini???

I'll have you know, dear blog-reader, that I am extremely attractive for a somewhat portly savvy gamblester. Breathing or no heavy breathing, I am a luvvvv machine baby.

To be honest, I'm a little bit leery of the whole sleep lab thing. For that is what was prescribed to me. I shall go into the sleep lab, and I shall be placed on many monitors, and I shall sleep in a (likely) bed bug infested mattress and I shall be observed on infra-red camera.


My biggest fear is that in the morning, I should pitch a tent worthy of the North Face, standing tall and proud and flapping in the 90 mile per hour Everest winds, just off the Lhotse face.

And then, well... you know, I might grab something. In my semi-slumber.

And some hot Brazilian latte-thighed sleep lab attendant will put me on YouTube where I will be labelled "Sleep Lab Boner Man" and I will garner 13,000,000 views in the next 2 weeks. I will be placed on talk-show circuit bills alongside 'Star Wars Kid' and a myriad of 'Epic Fail' YouTubers.

So I asked Dr. Hale about this...

"Surely... your technicians have seen everything..."

"Oh yes, no surprises... they've seen it all!"

"Good. Because I'm worried I might, you know.... scratch or something."

"Oh yes, I see! Well, no worries there, they are very experienced."

"So I guess its not that uncommon..."

"Well... actually, it is pretty uncommon, the grabbing.... there was this one fellow, put on quite a show..."

Relief. There really had to be lots more like him, who was way worse than I'd ever be. He was probably the norm, and I'd be just fine.

Dr. Hale continued, "... yes, he suffered dementia, it was quite sad, him grabbing himself.... we got over it after a while...."

So this week, I was hoping, would be filled with Color Nook bliss and nothing else. But it turns out there's a cancellation in the Sleep Lab. I go up to meet my buddy on Friday to pick up the elusive Nook Color - and that very night, I'm booked into the sleep lab back in Flusherville for some infrared camera YouTube-worthy humiliation.

I am going to ask for a straightjacket.

Is it Nook Color or Color Nook????? I have no clue at this point. I think you know what I am referring too - its the thing I paid $250 for 3 weeks ago, and spent 83 hours on the phone about, and haven't seen yet.

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