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Friday, September 30, 2011

Cyber Flusher Vegas

This is a detailed and very technical accounting of my first CPAP night.

The first thing I have to report is that the (very well endowed) Bridget was wearing those tight stretchy see-too-much pants that the younger generation is flaunting these days. Is it just me, or are these 'clothes' just a way of changing the color of your legs while still looking naked?

She also sported a very snug fitting cashmere sweater. I know Bridget is very well informed, professional and very business-like but as you may gather by now, I am not. I could barely put a sentence together in her endowed presence.

The (v.w.e.) Bridget showed me all the bells and whistles on my new CPAP while I tried to keep my eyes above the neckline.

I couldn't.

I looked on the table and spied something interesting.

"Bridget, what is that over there?"

"That's called a 'manometer'."

I was encouraged to see that the tubing attached to the manometer looked like it would be a pretty tight fit. (I have a large palette, according to clinical observations.)

Glancing at the manometer and then at Bridget I raised my eyebrows a couple of times.

"Is Mrs. Flusher joining you for lunch today? Perhaps we'd better keep moving on the demonstration." she said, and then "Creep," just under her breath. Bridget is such a fun girl, I bet she has all kinds of other pet names she could call me if we could just get to being more than medical acquaintances, and if I wasn't married.

I nodded seriously, signed a bunch of forms, and payed a wallet-load of money and strolled out of there with my new toy.

It's great that Bridget explained everything I'd need to know to be able to safely use this potentially dangerous device, because I didn't remember a thing she'd said. I did have a couple of sweet mind-photos though.

Bedtime rolled around and I started to wish I wasn't such a wanna-be-cad. I was baffled by all the accoutrements, hoses, clamps, batteries, adapters and what looked like a jock-strap for my face. And what I thought was a cup holder on the base unit turned out to be a place to put distilled water to power the device. Or perhaps to humidify the air I'd be sucking in all night long.

I finally got it all figured out and strapped myself into what should be sleep heaven for the first time in years.

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