RSS findIndex trimsentences createcard



createItems and other JavaScript code

Item Render Code

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Lost Vegas

The last-chance-in-your-pants dollar streak was not the end of the saga of the Fortieth Las Vegas Trip.

There are a few more details to relate but really, not much. Somehow I dragged my ass out of bed early the next morning to pack, have at a few machines, have breakfast, and get ready for the airport.

By now I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was not going to get a Royal Flush this trip. Isn't gambling funny? One trip I have 2 of them in 24 hours, and this trip - 14 days in Vegas and I come up dry.

This unpredictability is, I think, why we keep at it, we gamblers. It's an attempt to try to understand and predict the random. And it's sprinkled with sweet monetary surprises that delight us and make us want more and more and more. And it's littered with stupid losses, attempts to chase and turn things around that end with an embarrassing moment when you push away from the table or machine, defeated. And you want redemption in the form of cash and prizes.

When you work the size 7 grommet line at Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer the way I do, you have to pretty much admit that your self esteem is never going to be completely topped to the filler spout on your psychic tank. So you take these things hard.

We did play a little bit more in the morning, and of course the Queen nailed a couple of nice quads to keep her bankroll happening. I lost some, really did not have much stomach to lose any more money.

But then! There's always the Airport!

We checked out of the El Cortez and I had no problem getting the front desk to pick up any remaining room charges. So rooms and food were gratis, not counting the $987 dollars I probably dropped in the casino.

Why I can lose in the casino, and still be thrilled to pieces that the casino will buy my eggs and Breakfast Potatoes and little turd-like sausages, I'll never know. Maybe it comes back to that grommet psyche again, that little need to want to be more than a guy on the line, to be a somebody, at least as far as Free Breakfast Potatoes go.

The limo driver picked us up right on time and we were happy to see it was our old pal Tony from over 2 weeks ago. Remember, we were his second trip ever? Well he was thriving at the limo driving business. I asked him how many cones he demolished on the road test and he laughed - they actually did have a pretty stringent road test, which makes sense, considering he is responsible for potentially rich (not us though) clients, not to mention a very expensive, gigantic Queen Mary sized limousine which probably costs 8 times my yearly wages just to fill with gas.

Tony took surface streets as I asked. I just wanted to roll along and have a last gander at my beloved city. And my money.

Once again, I spotted this place called Lost Vegas - I noticed on my last trip - and made another (useless) mental note that I need - desperately need - to go there...

Next trip... must remember. Must... Oooh look, shiny thing! Now what was it I was supposed to remember... zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

At the airport, we did the Security Trouser Dance - it's so demeaning but, in case the authorities are reading, I feel extremely safe and protected, and they are doing a fine, fine job. I especially love walking along in my sweaty, stinky, sock feet on the same stretch of greasy carpet that only a mere 40 million visitors per year and their sweaty, stinky, fungal, athlete's foot ridden, bed bug infested feet have also walked along. It makes me feel so close to them, and I wonder what foreign microbes I now carry in my shoes, all the way to My Front Room, Flusherville, Canada.

That done, we hit some airport machines. We've had ridiculous luck at McCarran, but unfortunately, mine was pretty typical of this trip. I dropped $20 in some high-ass deuces game, then some low pay bonus game, then I tried this Wheel of Fortune machine. And hey, wouldn't you know it, I actually won something!

I celebrated by leaving another one of my business cards in the machine.

(What's really cool, one of my very savvy readers, who was in Vegas at the same time, and who was following the blog while in Vegas, actually found the card and left a comment about it. What are the odds that someone reading along, while in Vegas, would stumble across that machine? Probably about the same odds as me not getting a Royal Flush in over 2 weeks of button-scorching video poker action.)

All in all, I had a winning session at the airport - up $30. On the day, I lost another hundy, and Mrs. Flusher lost ten bucks.

I did a final tally, and this is kind of weird.

At the end of Thursday, I was down (gulp) $2535 on the trip. Friday I lost $465 and Saturday I managed to lose $100. Go ahead and add them up and it comes to exactly three large. $3K. Three thousand dollars. Holy shit, I think I'm gonna hurl.

This is the single biggest loss either of us have ever suffered ever ever ever in 40 trips. Granted it was a long trip but sheesh.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Flusher ended up with a win of $355 which is absolutely ridiculous considering how much she played over 16 days. And because she didn't end up with more, I think there's a good chance she can get the tax withheld on her $3000 Royal back. So that might bring back another $900.

Now let's have some math fun.

Our combined loss was $2645 over 16 days (14 for me because of the Grey Cup trip). I've seen some of the printouts that that Norbert carries around on his alligator skin clipboard, that snivelling (do we still have yuppies?) yuppie. And I've picked up some of the lingo from looking at that while he is jabbering to me over his snooty up in the air fuck you nose. Because I never listen to a word he says.

But I have learned about some things, as I say, from reading this stuff.

We can spin this shit so it looks good, I just know it. We were in Vegas for (ahem) 30 person-days. Our average loss per person-day was $88. Is this a reasonable amount to keep someone entertained while on vacation? Well, I think so, but it gets better.

Let's say Mrs. Flusher gets her $900 Uncle Sam finger-up-your-hoo-haa tax hit back. That would cut our combined loss to a measly (gulp) $1745. And, pro-rated (I have a hard time not saying that with a German accent, I've heard Norbert spout it off so often), pro-rated, that's a very reasonable dollar-loss-cost-average of $58.16 per person-day of balls out gambling fun. Not. Too. Shabby.

But I'm not done there! It's comp time, oh hell ya.

See, we didn't pay for a single night of hotel accomodation on this trip, and we also got tons of FREE MEAT, free meals, and free play. I calculate the benefit of the free hotel nights very conservatively indeed, valuing them at what I would pay, not what they would cost in some other city. If I were to go to some major city for 16 nights, I could easily pay $100 to $150 a night on average. Anyway, I figure the rooms at about $40 per, because if I was paying, and they were any more, I would just stay somewhere else, where I could get a $30 to $40 rate, maybe even lower.

Shout out to Dewey who is an absolute expert at this and gets his nightly average down to fifteen bucks or so.


Adding up everything we got for free, our comps add up to $1900.

I'd like to say that since our loss was $2645, our trip only cost $700 and change.

But somehow there is three grand missing from my wallet. Norbert's stupid number games only take you so far.

And that's it, the fortieth trip to Vegas, in the books. Thanks for reading along!

(And a shout-out to Creemore, ON who is also reading along.)



    1. Flusher wrote:
      < At the end of Thursday, I was down (gulp) $2535 on the trip. Friday I lost $465 and Saturday I managed to lose $100. Go ahead and add them up and it comes to exactly three large. $3K. >

      Well, it's a bit worse than that: My math says $3100, not $3000. But that doesn't change your overall analysis very much.

    2. Oh dear God its worse than I thought.

      It's a good thing there is no math in gambling.

    3. By the way, the majority of my ~18,938 readers are (apparently) as bad at math as I am - you are the first to point out this travesty of calculation!

    4. Happy to be of service. As the Chief of the Math Police, it's what I do.


    Leave a message for Royal Flusher!