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Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Hundred Dollar Dash

Hundred Dollar Dash

We awoke early and wandered through the just opened Palazzo next door, where I found myself paying the equivalent of a lawyer’s fee for a latte. Ouch.

You might have noticed that the Clean and Jerk event wasn’t run for a few days. This was due to an intoxication delay.

For my Clean and Jerk $10 bet, I found myself playing the rather sensual game of Lucky Ladies BJ where some combination of cards in a blackjack paid some sort of bonus. Happily I won my hand to end up with $20.

The Equestrian Queen had a bet in mind she wanted to make later so we shelved that and moved on to the $25 level, having gotten a bit behind in our cleaning and jerking.

As you recall, we’d played $1 (keno), and $2 (big wheel). You might notice the missing $5 level. We actually played it on this day just after the $25 level. But its too confusing if you write it up the way it happened. Suffice it to say that I lost $5 at War and later that day, Mrs. F won (for some reason we don’t fully grasp) $4.75 on a $5 Pai Gow bet. Probably some sort of percentage vig charged on the particular bet she made. Are you thoroughly confused? Here’s the important bit – the standings were:

RF: $20 QQ: $14.75

Zooming back into the present, I laid out $25 at a mini-Baccarat spread while the pit boss sweated the game. The reason? It was the dealer’s first time dealing the game – ever. Surely this would bode well for me.

We watched her strip the decks, mixing the cards thoroughly for about 10 minutes. Finally she was ready. And in six seconds of actual play my green chip was gone.

Mrs. F fared no better at roulette. She spread five reds across the layout and hit nada for her trouble.

This event was really starting to worry me. The stakes were getting ever higher, and there was no drama to write about whatsoever. Read the previous four paragraphs, aren’t they just dull and listless, like a senior without their little liver pills?

Casino Royale still had the valuable quad bonus play going on and we picked up our free coupon sheets which feature a $25 bonus on any quad. (NB: This play is now long dead. R.F.) This is gold for the knowledgeable quarter VP player. They also have a some-what bogus $50 in free slot play on some somewhat-bogus special slots that only pay you money if you hit one of the three top payouts. I played and played and played… continually winning marginal amounts of credits, since these machines are set ridiculously loose, but never hitting one of the money-paying combinations. It got to the point where with each spin I was afraid I would win more credits, prolonging the boring agony.

Finally I was done and we sidled up to a couple of unsuspecting slant tops. Within 15 minutes we’d both hit a quad, and both gotten our $25 bonuses. In fact, I put $5 in and took $50 out. Mrs. F doubled up from a $25 buy-in. Weren’t we the schmart casino-hundts!!!

We beat the lineup at Denny’s and grabbed a good’n greasy breakfast, then strolled down to Bill’s Casino (nee Barbary Coast) where we signed up at the slot club to get their coupon book, which included some match plays.

“Just how fun is this fun-book?” I asked the cute boothling.

“It’s dangerously fun!” she replied inexplicably.

Just for laughs we both won a bit of dough on some dangerously fun short-pay VP and then blew through the dangerously fun match plays. Mine lost, hers won. It was getting dangerously predictable. But not to worry, the d.f. fun-book held offers for other casinos nearby.

We shuffled up the Strip gazing across at the ever-expanding Caesars, fighting the ever-expanding foot traffic, greeting the porn slappers (who hand out those escort cards) with a pleasant ‘Buenos Nachos’… and ended up back at those exact same ‘lucky’ machines in Casino Royale we’d played an hour previously.

We downed a couple of double Crown and cokes (it was approaching ten AM after all) and before we knew it, I’d dropped $50 and the Queen $100. Weren’t we the schtupid casino-hundts!!!

Mirage held no luck for us and we settled in at Caesars for more drinks and some VP by the Shadow Bar. Our dangerously fun fun-book included a free gift so a trip to the Emperor’s club was in order.

Boothling Jessica handled the transaction and to our amazement, our free gifts were gaudy, fake, gold-colored medallions the size of dinner plates on cheap gold-colored chains.

Hands in front of my chest, I started grasping and ungrasping my fingers like a gurgling baby as I rambled on about our Olympics.

“That sounds like a lot of fun. I’ve never heard of it before,” said the lovely Boothling Jessica.

“We’ve got all these cool events, and like, today, we’re doing the hundred dollar dash!”

Boothling Jessica laughed politely and then asked how many participants there were.

“Two. Just us.”

I swore she reached under the counter to rest her finger on the ‘HELP ME NOW’ button. She blinked twice, and smiled politely and said, “Next please.”

It seemed like nobody believed in the Gambling Olympics but us. I would have been saddened, but we’d scored the absolute perfect cheesy Olympic Gold Medal medallions and they were dangerously fun and best of all, free. We held our latest medal ceremony in the sportsbook at Caesars and then settled in for some high-volatility, (potentially) high-reward Triple Double Bonus. After dropping a hundred or so it was time to move on.

For some free fun, we took a tour to the menswear shop owned by that guy with the big glasses whose craps winnings Sharon Stone throws in the air in "Casino", but he wasn’t around. I saw him in the men’s room once and briefly thought about throwing some paper towels in the air and demanding ‘my end, cause I won him a lot of money’, but for some reason thought better of it.

We strolled back to Wynn and bailed. On the cab ride back downtown we noticed a smaller version of the famous ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign bidding travelers ‘Welcome to Fabulous Downtown Las Vegas’.

“They should have more signs like that,” I said.

“We should make one of those for our Vegas-themed kitchen at home,” replied Mrs. F.

“What would it say -  Welcome to Fabulous The Kitchen?”

We stopped at the Fitz to try to win a couple of Free Meat coupons and failed. The day was kind of listless, more losses dragging us slowly down.

Back at the Four Queens we at least managed to play for a decent amount of time and I nailed a straight flush. The cocktail waitress ambled by at just that moment and I pointed excitedly at the screen.

“I’m a straight flusher!” I said

“Whatever floats your boat, honey, long as it don’t hurt no-one,” she replied.

I didn’t care, it was a victory of sorts on that machine. I played 450 hands and turned $20 into a $100 cashout.

(Which I would later lose in 15 minutes at the craps table.)

“I want to bet on a horse,” Mrs. F declared. “Where can I do that?”

“Can do… Can do…”, I sang briefly. “Nevermind. Let’s check out the new sports book at the Nugget.

We did so, and found ourselves in the ultra-lounge like environs of the sports book venue with its million and one betting options and wall to wall screens.

After perusing the endless tracks, races, classes, and poring over horse names like, “Flusher’s Gold”, “Undefeated” and “Mrs. F, Bet On Me!”, what does she do?

At the wicket Mrs. F forked over some bills and spouted, “Okay, I want to bet on a race at Mountaineer, the 6th race.”

“And the horse number?”

“I’m not sure.”

“What’s the horses name?”


“No, the horses name.”

“Greg. The horse’s name is Greg.”

Now everyone knows all great horses have great names, names that are special and full of mystique and crazy equine creativity. Secretariat. Cigar. Flusher's Gold. Northern Dancer.

“Why the hell are you betting on Greg the Horse?” I asked.

“I don’t know, I just like the name Greg.”

“Why not bet on Greg to show instead of win?” Of course she wouldn’t listen. When you have a hunch on Greg the Horse, you bet him to win.

She got her ticket and squirreled it away, the race being some time off. “What do you want to do now?” she asked.

“It’s time… for the Hundred Dollar Dash!” I replied.

Yes, the marquee event of the Royal Flusher Gambling Games of the First Olympiad of Las Vegas was about to start. We strolled back to the Four Queens and each picked a Bonus Poker Deluxe machine (which pays $100 for any quad).

The rules were simple. First one to get a $100 quad won. If there were no quads after half an hour, whoever won the most (or lost the least, more likely) would claim a coveted gold medal (from Caesars).

We each slipped in a $20 bill and the race was on! I pounded the buttons like there was no tomorrow in a quest for a $100 gold-medal winning quad. Time wore on. Mrs. F ran out of credits and slipped in another twenty. Then I ran out and slipped in another twenty. Then another. Then she slipped in a twenty. No quads. We played on.

The Olympics were going out in a blaze of failure – nobody could hit a quad to save their life. In the end, suffice it to say that the Non-Quad Queen lost $110 and I ‘only’ lost $60 – it was another gold medal (by loser default) to me. It felt a bit like winning the hundred yard dash because all of the other competitors fell down before you did.

Nevertheless, I was awarded (officially) a cheezy Caesars Medallion. Royal Flusher – Olympic Hundred Dollar Dash Gold Medal Winner Champion. It had a ring to it! (Just one, not five. I don't want to get sued by the fake Olympics.)

We finished off the day by trucking back to the Nugget to check on the outcome of Greg the Horse’s romp to victory.

Imagine my smug glee when we found out that Greg the Horse had not won the race – he placed third, to show.

Mrs. F went up to bed and I took my gold medal to the craps table, ordered a stiff drink and dumped $100 in 15 minutes. My drink arrived as the last of my chips were gathered off the felt.

The long and short of it was that in spite of my early successes, in spite of all the dangerous fun we’d had, I was down 300 on the day, and Mrs. F was down 255.

Overall we were well in the hole. The trip was looking brutal.

The Score

Brutal gambling ass-kickings: QQ: 1, RF: 1
Bets on stupidly named “Greg the Horse”: QQ: 1, RF: 0
Bonus $25 coupon Quads at Casino Royale: RF: 1, QQ 1
Asskickings at Hundred Dollar Dash: RF: 1, QQ: 1
Limped-In Cheezy Caesars Medallion Hundred Dollar Dash Gold Medals: RF: 1
Dangerously Fun Coupon Books: RF: 1, QQ: 1
Four Deuces at Deuces Wild: RF: Still, sadly, 0 QQ: 0
Free Meat coupons: 2

Clean and Jerk:
RF Bets: $5 War, $10 Lucky Ladies Blackjack, $25 Mini Baccarat
Winnings: $20.00
 QQ Bets: $5 Pai Gow, $10 Horse Racing, $25 Roulette
Winnings: $14.75

Horse YOB Sex Sire Dam
Greg 2003 Gelding Ago Victory Crown

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