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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hello Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer

Yes it has finally happened. The pesky Belgians got together with the crafty South Koreans and purchased North American Veeblefetzer. Well, actually, they purchased the grommet production division of North American Veeblefetzer, where I have slaved for the man churning out size 7 grommets (and now size 77 Euro grommets) for God knows how many years.

That kiss ass traitor Norbert gathered all employees into the cafeteria at the end of the day Friday.

They had some sort of projector connected to a computer and Norbert fumbled his way through a really lame PowerPoint. The first screen said "North American Veeblefetzer ceases to exist immediately!"

There were a few screams in the crowd lots of swearing and some of the secretaries looked faint. People were already trying to borrow money from each other to pay next weeks rent.

The projector image went completely purple and Norbert messed with it interminably with the help of a couple of his kiss-ass minions while the crowd muttered and swore under their breaths at him. He finally got it working properly again so we could see the text and he went on to the second slide of his lame PowerPoint.

The second slide said "You all Still HAve Job's!"

Norbert stumbled through some introductions of the pesky Belgians and crafty South Koreans who were standing on the sidelines. A couple of the hot secretaries from the front office went down the aisles, handing out books from a cart.

"What the fuck is this?" said Kenny Blankenship, pulling at where his earlobe used to be. Kenny lost both earlobes in separate industrial accidents.

I took one of the books.

Everyone received a copy of "Who Killed My Mouse?", the latest and hottest self-help pseudo pop psychology books. The front cover had a bunch of high-falutin' text on it and was emblazoned with a picture of a dead mouse, while the back cover featured a hungry-looking cat looking around for its hidden dinner.

The point of it apparently was to get us to bend over and accept complete upheaval and disaster without complaint.

Norbert asked us if anyone had questions. People started yelling shit out.

"When do the grief counselors get here?"

"When do the layoffs start?"

"How much did you take to sell out, you dick?"

Norbert almost lost control of the room. The Belgians gazed boredly at us while the South Koreans looked a little bit scared.

One of the Belgians came up to the podium. He spoke calmly and explained that no one would lose their jobs. He explained that they did not anticipate cutting wages. You could have heard a pin drop. He explained that the books were ours to keep and that we should read them over the weekend. That's when Jimmy Poon let a loud fart go.

The room erupted just after Jimmy did and the pesky Belgians looked nervous.

"There is one more thing," the pesky Belgian said.

"We have purchased this division from North American Veeblefetzer. We intend to keep production here in Canada. The Flusherville plant will remain open. The new company will be renamed."

The final PowerPoint slide flashed onto the screen.

Apparently between the pesky Belgians and the crafty South Koreans the only common ground that they could find was that they all liked the idea of Mounties.

And so we found out that our beloved company would be known from this day forth as...

Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer



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