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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Squidward's CES 2013 Trip Report Part 3: Bachelorettes and Butt Cheeks

Squidward's CES 2013 Trip Report Part 3: Bachelorettes and Butt Cheeks

Squidward continues to defile downtown Las Vegas (and hopefully some Bachelorettes) ... read on!!

Squidward writes:

I awoke without the assistance of the simultaneous wake-up phone call/radio alarm clock/cell phone alarm combo of the previous morning to a beautiful day in Las Vegas, at 8:30 am.  Wow a full night’s sleep and I was even sober!  Actually I felt great... no fuzziness in the brain, if you know what I mean.

I had the good sense to hang up my scotch-soaked clothing from the previous night.  My outfit was dry, but smelled like a moon-shiner's overalls.  I know first hand that moon shiners wear overalls, because of my hillbilly relatives from Arkansas, by the way.

Went down-stairs to McDonald's and grabbed a cup of coffee in my pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.  HEY it’s The D and it's McDonald's.  No one gave me a second look.  Back in the room I showered without any unfortunate towel incidents like yesterday... and I had 4 bath towels this time too.

I carefully packed up my business casual outfits... except the stinky pant/shirt outfit... they went into a dry-cleaning bag provided by The D.  And no, I did not forget my $30 fucking little bottle of fucking scotch.   So I rolled my bag to the elevator and had to wait with a crowd of people that were attending an HR Conference in the 12th floor conference rooms… Shit!  Seriously, do not stay on the 12th floor at The D unless you are attending an event in one of these conference rooms.

I checked out for zero dollars and zero cents for my comped 12th floor corner king room.  Nor did I give then any action other than goofing around with the free play.  So blame me if the comps slow down, especially the Spirit deal… sorry.

Grabbed another coffee at McDonald’s…. they do have OK coffee there.  I walked/rolled down Fremont Street to MSS.  Took the fart/Cal route… we will see who is paying attention to this TR.

Walked up to the check-in at MSS and had no problem getting a room at 9:45 am.  The very attractive clerk gave me a double on the 15th floor, facing The Plaza.  So I rolled my bag and my $30 fucking little bottle of fucking scotch up to the room.

Room was clean… absolutely spotless. They have changed to a dresser/wide screen TV from the old fashioned fake wardrobe/tube TV.  Other than that I noticed no changes to the room from previous visits.

Unpacked my pockets, found $130 bucks in the previously scotch soaked pants.  I did a thorough financial assessment of my expenditures.

I was down almost $1,000…. Shit!

Anyway this was within tolerance of my daily budget, but still… Shit!  Checked the Weather Channel and it was expected to be in the mid 60’s so I grabbed my sweater and headed back downstairs for another coffee/VP session at the Boars Head Bar.  Oh yeah… I stopped by the B-connected booth and picked up my $20.00 in food vouchers on the way.

Sat down and drank three cups of coffee, shot the shit with bartenders, and hit four of a kinds on $.25 DDB.   Ahhh, cashed out up a whopping $150.00 with the scratch-offs.  Hey I’m on a comeback.  But it was time to go to the convention…. I know, I know… it’s about time.

Walk through the Cal and over to Binion’s.  I did stop by the slot club to get another card.  Tried to play the spinny-winny promotion that Flusher is always talking about.

Put in my card and…. Nothing…. Shit!  Asked one of the attendants as to what the problem was… She was prissy and angry and said “You don’t have any points sir!  We don’t give away prizes to people who do not gamble!”

I explained “I do gamble, just not here!”

I left very quickly before she called security.

Jumped on the SDX for a quick trip to the LVCC, no coffee with me this time, so I only pissed off one woman so far today…. Improvement, no?   Now I went to the convention… made all of my meetings… saw a lot of awesome products… did not leave until the show was closing for the evening.

I was invited to several parties/events on the strip…. But I jumped back on the SDX to return down-town.  Because that's the kind of degenerate drunken gambler kind of guy I can be.  And no, I’m not giving you the boring details of CES, because I am writing a Vegas Trip Report on a Vegas Blog… you will have to read my Techie Blogs for that… but then you would know who I am, and I’d get in trouble (RF knows, but I swore him to secrecy.)

Any way I get off the SDX, stop by The Fremont for a $2.00 Heineken… stiff the bartender again… man, I really do hold a grudge!  Through Binion’s…. still sorta pissed off at them too now.   And I stopped at the San Francisco Pub.  I know the bartenders there too… go figure.  Was not crowded at all, so I sat there with my convention bags full of goodies next me and hit a two quick 4OAKs, 4-Aces-no-kicker and 4-3’s with kicker.  Coolio, cashed out for over $400 for this quick walk through.  Grabbed my bags of goodies and headed straight to my room at MSS.  Dropped everything off, and made myself a drink from the $30 fucking little bottle of fucking scotch.  Then I headed back to the Boar’s Head Bar.

It was crowded so I had to sit at evil seat number two over by the cocktail waitress station. I was also immediately interrogated by Jose and Kelly so they could ascertain if I had actually attended the CES Convention.  I passed the test, and managed to sit there and break even on $1.00 JOB at seat number two for 2 hours and at least seven Heinekens… well, I tipped $7.00… that how I counted.  This is not easy, seat number 2 is notoriously tight/volatile… I once watched Royal Flusher drop $40 bucks in it for two Absolut' on the rocks in less than half an hour.

I then decided to go take my chances at $1.00 9/6 DDB at the Main Street Bar at the Cal.  Well then, I broke even again after 3 or 4 Heinekens.  Here is another little quick factoid for y’all…  If you ask the bartenders at the Main Street Bar to call the Redwood, they can make an instantaneous reservation for you.  I was hungry and did not feel like waiting… bartender made the call… I walked over and was immediately seated at a booth in the back.

I always seem to get the same waiter there… so I looked up at him and said “Filet Mignon, medium-rare, baked potato all the way, blue cheese on a house salad, and a Heineken.”

He never wrote it down; he just said “Yes, Sir Mr. Squid, I remember!”  No fuss, no muss.  Service is always top notch here… and yes I always over tip.

As I mentioned earlier I was sitting in a booth.  Next to me was a boisterous couple of middle-aged ladies celebrating one of their's divorce.  Never figured out which one got the divorce but they were amusing… loudly abusing some poor soul named Jeremy.

Now the interesting thing is that while I sat there and ate my meal and had a couple of Heinekens, these two ladies downed four bottles of red wine.  They had the waiters hopping.  I finished my meal, whipped out my vouchers along with my Sapphire Card and signed my ticket.  I think the tab was like $40 something… I tipped $25.00 and left.

I then walked across to the Las Vegas Club, was going to check to see if my “pretend girl-friend” Lady Go-Go was performing on Fremont street.  But I got distracted by a group of Hillbillies at the Las Vegas Bar daring each other to drink the Hamm’s beer.  Why do I get distracted by this kind of stuff… hell if I know? 

Oh, yeah… please do not get offended by my use of the term hillbilly, I come from a long line of hillbillies.

Anyway, have you ever seen the scene from the movie “Let It Ride” where Richard Dreyfuss orders a hamburger… takes a bite… immediately throws it on the floor… it was like that. (Best Gambling Movie Ever!)

Anyway the Hillbillies were all in their 20’s and they were taking turns ordering drinks until their individual debit cards ran out.  Whoever had a decline on the debit card had to drink a Hamm’s.

Seriously… one has to stop and observe this type of behavior.  Drank and talked with these nuts for a couple of hours, saw five of them throw a Hamm’s down on the floor.  No heat from the bartenders or security… was an amazing Vegas experience… only at the Las Vegas Club.

So the Hillbillies finally all ran out of money, and they were heading back to some hostel that they were staying at.  I decided to continue on my way to Fremont Street.  There was a great band playing, but no Lady Go-Go.  So I skipped over to the back exit of Binion’s back by the old poker room. 

Now as I was exiting from the back… before me were a bunch of drunken girls obviously on a Bachelorette party romp.  I immediately changed directions to the right-most exit vs. the more direct left set of doors.   Because if you have a chance to follow along after a Bachelorette party romp you are going to do it right?  Anyway I was walking a little too close to this group as they suddenly stopped without warning.

My crotch was shoved up between the butt cheeks of some poor young lady, and I spilled my Heineken on another.  Before they could respond to my unacceptable behavior we all were fixated on the reason for the unanticipated stop!

Remember the two very drunk divorcees that I observed at the Redwood?  They were immediately in front of the Bachelorette group.  They had taken maybe two steps out of the door and were trying to hold each other up.  Well one of them heaved and projectile puked red wine from the curb all the way across the old valet parking lot.  I just stood there and grinned, and hollered “SHIT!... AWESOME!”

Well the Bachelorette crew surrounded the divorcees to help.  I of course removed my butt-bumping crotch and made a B-line back to MSS, laughing all the way.

Sat back down at the Boars Head Bar at seat number two and broke even playing $1.00 JOB drinking Heinekens till 1:00 am.  I then went to bed, because I had one more meeting the next day.

  • Pissed off a slot attendant at Binions
  • Pissed off a Bachelorette or two
  • Drinking with Hillbillies
  • Great Steak
  • Amazing display of projectile puking

Up Next
  • Hanging with Hipsters
  • Yes I go to the Show Again
  • Going on Tilt at the Golden Nugget
  • How to collect a massive amount of scratch offs at MSS


It's always a savvy move to butt-bump some Bachelorettes with your gamble-boner, Squidward. Maybe even more savvy if you don't know them!

Looking forward to the next installment!

Royal Flusher

    1 comment:

    1. Royal Flusher has it right, that Mother Lode promotion is a good one, and they've been running it forever. I usually play the 5 and the 40 a couple of times a trip. Not only do they give away some cool swag, they send me room offers at the Four Queens based on my play!


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