Friday, February 15, 2013

Squidward's CES 2013 Trip Report Part 6: Propositioned by Bruce


Squidward's CES 2013 Trip Report Part 6: Propositioned by Bruce

Given a travel reprieve, let's see how Squidward spends his extra Vegas time...

Squidward writes:

I awoke in my beautifully appointed Hilton Garden room. I was having a dream that I was dancing with my pretend-girlfriend DJ Lady Go-Go on the Fremont Street Experience Stage. We were getting down to the mad-beats of a Rihanna/Britney Spears - Remix of "S&M." DJ Lady Go-Go was wearing her typical skimpy fuzzy-bikini top, booty-thong-short-shorts, and matching knee-high fuzzy-Furry Leg Warmers. I was wearing a pair of knee-high lace-up platform tennis shoes and nothing else, yep-butt naked other than the shoes. Oh, Shit... over-sharing again! Sorry Flusher!

So I get up and go take a cold shower in my luxurious and brand new bathroom facilities, complete with luxurious and brand new fluffy towels. Wow, I'm not down-town now. I select another change of clothes by the least stinky, least wrinkly method. After a couple of cups of coffee from an excellent selection of Hilton/Wolfgang Puck coffee packets I grabbed my coat to venture out onto the mid-20's sunny day in South Las Vegas.

I was hungry but the small restaurant in the lobby of the Hilton Garden had a line so I walked across the parking lot to the Burger King and ate a burger. Actually, it was OK, haven't eaten at this chain in over ten years, better than I expected. So there you have another Squidward restaurant review.


I walked into the lobby and noticed that the Texan / Patriot game had started. Thought about my options... watch the game in my comfortable room, watch the game in the Hotel lobby, or watch the game in a real live Las Vegas Casino?

Had the clerk call me a cab and went back to the South Point. This place is big enough that I could grab a seat at the bar overlooking the huge sports book to multi-task and play $.25 9/6 DDB and watch the Texans … unlike the knuckle-heads that I just bet are still hogging all the seats at the Boar’s Head Bar.

Well the VP was not going well, but I amazingly found another source of revenue at this bar. Now ready for some savvy-gambling! Who was sitting next to me? Look, it's Bruce the Las Vegas local who is obviously also a degenerate drunk Video Poker Playing Patriot fan.

Bruce was one of those extremely aggressive pessimistic kinds of fans.

After listening to him say angrily to no-one in particular "I bet they go three and out!" I finally looked over and said "How Much?"

We started out at $20 bucks for each of his angry proposition bets. These bets were three-in-out, complete/incomplete pass, run play/pass play, he even bet that punts would be blocked.

Well I would win three, loose one, win two, lose one, win three, etc. We both had a stack of twenties and would move them back and forth depending on the outcome. Every time the bartender would bring me a Club Soda with a lime wedge and Bruce a Gin and Tonic he would remind us that making proposition bets in a Casino is illegal. Duhh... with great savvyness... I was tipping $5.00 a drink to keep the heat off us... savvy, no?!

Anyway by halftime I had over $200.00 bucks in my stack, that's even with sneaking a couple of twenties into my machine when Bruce was not looking, cause the VP was still not making me any money.

During the third quarter Bruce ran out of twenties, looked at me and said "Raise the stakes to a Hundred?"

Inside my head my mind was screaming, "HELL YES BRUCE LET'S BET A HUNDY ON YOUR STUPID PROP BETS!!!!"

But on the outside, I just hunched my shoulders a little and said "Sure, why not?"

By the end of the third quarter I was up $600 bucks, plus the $200.00 bucks in twenties. I looked at Bruce and said "Bruce ole' buddy; I got to go take a massive oggie-doggy, I'll be right back."

I jammed my stack of cash in my pocket, left my half-finished drink at the bar, and there was $8.00 in credits on the machine. I walked away and headed straight out the front door. Hailed a cab and headed back to the Hilton Gardens. So Bruce, if you are reading this... Uhhh, I got this thing about making oggie-doggy in public and had to go back to my hotel room... yeah that's the ticket!

So I took a long nap, cleaned up again, generally goofed around and finally checked out at 10:30 and took the shuttle back to check-in with Spirit Air Lines.

Had to eat at the Airport Burger King, it's the only thing open at McCarran after 10:00 pm, who knew. Had a chicken sandwich this time. Well after an uneventful trip home until I was waiting on the shuttle bus to the to get back to my car at the "cheapo" City-owned Airport Parking Lot.

It was a cold and rainy morning in Houston. Mid 50's was feeling pretty good to me after the 20 something's in Vegas. I was standing in line to get on the bus, when the driver said "We are full, y'all will have to wait on the next one." So we patiently waited for the next cheapo city shuttle bus. About 10 shuttles from the more expensive private parking lots came and went. I mentioned to the guy next to me "Wow, if we would have spent forty cents more a day, we would be in our cars by now."

And the line was getting longer and another cheapo city shuttle bus finally pulled up. It stopped at the other end of the line this time.

So the back of the line became the front and the front became the back... I was in the middle so I just turned around.

Well, we all climbed on and the couple at the end of the line (who were originally at the front) started to throw a hissie-fit. They were cussing at everyone because they were in front but now were last. Well they ended getting into a shoving match with the group in the front of the bus. I was safely in the back at this time just laughing and shaking my head. Will this "Party" never end?

I finally get home to an empty house at about 8:30 am. Took an all-day nap, cleaned up and was in my home office working when Ms. Squidward got home.

I fessed up and showed her the W2-G and my overflowing wallet. She grabbed both and filed away the tax form in her desk and quickly counted down my cash. She can count cash quickly as the cashier at The D who was simultaneously laughing at me…  Must be a woman thing.

Anyway she snatched all the hundred dollar bills and left me all of Bruce's twenties. In the meantime I am standing there babbling on about projectile puking drunk divorcées and other nonsense. She stops me and says "Welcome home Squid, I missed you. I'm going to go take a bath and put on my high heels."

She gets up and walks out of my office while I'm still animatedly telling her about Bruce the denigrate gambler.... SCREEECH! MY MIND STOPS!

Did she say high heels? Ms. Squid only has one pair of high heels! She only wears them in the bed room, if you know what I mean! Well then! I’m feeling an urge again.... and it ain't a big-old-gamble-boner this time!  Bamp-ba-bow-wow!

That's the end of this story... till the next time!

Squidward


Thanks for sharing your pretty crazy CES trip Squidward! (WHISKEY!)

I'm going to have to pick up the slack here now...

To my faithful readers and fellow Vegas degens... be sure to check back this weekend - yes that's THIS WEEKEND - for more Vegas the Royal Flusher Way...

...because the next trip starts TOMORROW!

Royal Flusher

4 comments:

  1. RF - you have just made my week. Thanks for setting up a source so Squidward could entertain us so well.

    Sqid - Nice that you picked up some extra cash at the end.

    Now the great news that RF stories will continue with your refined Vegas skills and wit. Win big.

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  2. That report was awesome looking forward to the new one that starts tommorow

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  3. "Heartbraker, Can't Get Enough of Your Love".
    Bring it Flusher!

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  4. Loved Squidward's TR, and am equally looking forward to your next TR. ~ VPDana

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