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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Squidward's CES 2013 Trip Report: Shit…Shit…Shit…Shit…Damn!

I promised there were be a guest blogger and by Gawd there is a guest blogger.

I'm thrilled to present Squidward's 2013 Las Vegas CES trip report.

There will be links to all his posts for the report here so you can bookmark that and read 'em all from one spot. I'm tellin' ya, this new NiPad works slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Some of you may have bumped into Squidward's trip reporting here and there and found it to be as hysterical as I did, and some of you, like me, have bumped into him literally like when I was over-ordering Absoluts at the Boar's Head Bar.

Grab a cocktail, and tag along with Squidward, after all, there's never a dull sober moment when he's in Las Vegas!

Royal Flusher

Squidward writes:

First of all I would like to thank Royal Flusher for inviting me to be a guest on his wonderful and entertaining site! Why did he invite me…. Hell if I know. We met once in Vegas at the Main Street Boar’s Head Bar and have communicated with each other on a couple of Vegas message boards.

Now, he is a Canadian and I’m a Texan. Flusher works in a factory and I am a High-tech business owner. What do we have in common… we both love to go to downtown Las Vegas and get our degenerate-savvy-gamble on.

What I appreciate about this is that on Flusher’s site I can write a trip report full of more colorful language without the censorship of the public message boards (yes Sonya and Bonnie I’m talking about y’all.)

So here we go!

CES 2013 – Shit…Shit…Shit…Shit…Damn!

OK, so I have attended CES (Consumer Electronic Show) every year for almost two decades. Many of the businesses I own are involved with Android/Blackberry/IOS/Win 8 smart phone technology. So this is one of my tax-deductible travel expenses… or tax deductible vacations as my wife says. Hey; she lets me go to conventions in Vegas a couple times a year all by myself, so bless her!

This summer I was in a very frugal mood when I planned this trip. United, Frontier, SWA were asking $600 - $800 for round trip airfare from Houston to Vegas. But lo and behold, Spirit Airlines had just started their direct flight and were offering a deal for under $250 including checked bags. I know, I know… everyone warned me about Spirit. But I jumped on it even though I was flying the red-eye there and the red-eye back. Well the closer to the trip got the better my financial situation improved. By December I was really regretting this decision. The options of changing plans were cost prohibitive. Spirit Airlines has a policy of no refunds for cancellation, pay through the nose for flight changes…. Basically, Fuck you, give us a lot of money if you want to change anything, unless you want to give us even more money.

OK, I’m a grownup, I made a deal, so I upgraded to the "Big" Seats for both flights. It’s basically a well worn, leather, and dirty first-class seat where the only thing free is going to the bathroom.

I was scheduled to arrive on a Tuesday night after midnight (OK that’s Wednesday morning.) I could not take my usual WAX bus ride to downtown for a couple of bucks as the route does not run this late and I’m too chicken to do the 108/109 with transfers late at night. I made arrangements with a cab driver that I follow on twitter - @LVCabChronicles - to pick me up.

The flight from Houston was delayed for over an hour, we were experiencing horrible rainy weather from a WARM FRONT in January? So we eventually took off an hour late. I sat my butt down in my Big Seat (recommend this option for those that fly Spirit, $50 each way) and watched “The Hobbit” on my tablet. The flight was very bumpy with the weather, but that only enhanced my video watching…. I was only interrupted when I remembered to go and try to use the free-to-use bathroom.

Arrived in Vegas a little after 2:00 am, not bad considering the flight delay. As soon as we touched down I called @LVCabChronicles and told him I was in Vegas. He said that he was delivering a fare and to call him back after I had collected my luggage. Well I walked down to the bag claim and within literally five minutes my bag was there! I guess they move luggage quickly at 2:00 am! I call @LVCabChronicles and tell him I’m ready. He asked me to meet him at the cab pick-up area.  Asked me to describe myself… I told him… “Brown hair, brown sweater, brown shirt, brown pants, brown shoes…. look for a 6”2” big ole brown turd” (that’s my second shit reference for those that are counting… more to come.)

I walked out to the cab pick-up area and there was a pick-up line about 40 deep. I told the nice security lady that I was expecting a personal pick-up and she told me to stand right up front! Man, this was better than getting a limo like Flusher! Everyone stared at me… I’m pretty sure a few of them were thinking “Why does that big brown turd-looking guy get special treatment?”

Within five minutes, here comes @LVCabChronicles, bypassing the long line of cabs and waiting patrons. He greets me with a big smile, asks me loudly if I am “Mr. Turd”, puts my bag in the trunk and invites me to sit up front. I get in and tell him “NO TUNNEL, surface streets, Paradise Blvd., your tip depends on it!” See Flusher, you cannot do this with a limo driver!

We told jokes to each other, I warned him about Flusher (he does lurk on the message boards), and we laughed at each other’s stupid Vegas stories all the way downtown. Fare was $22 to the D, tipped him well and was finally in an actual casino for the first time since May.

When I got out of the Cab the Valet/Bag Boy at the D was bored and half asleep leaning against the wall at his little podium. It was about 2:45 am. He made eye contact but never moved a muscle to assist. Didn’t bother me because I was in a hurry… It’s almost 3:00 am and I have to drink and gamble before I have to “work” later this morning. Walked up to the Front Desk, a lovely Asian Clerk greeted me with… an apology? She said “The night Auditor is closing and the computers would be down for 15 minutes.” SHIT!

I rolled my bag over to the Long Bar and ordered a J&B and Soda… my first drink? Seriously for the first time in my life, ever, I was completely sober in Vegas at 3:00 am? SHIT! The good news is a well poured drink was only four bucks, the bad news was the Video Poker was unplayable here.

Finished my drink and went back to Check-in. Gave the clerk my drivers’ license, credit card, with a $20 dollar bill in between. She checked her computer, looked up at me and said “Sir you are already comped with a Corner King Room?” I grinned and said “Yes, how about an upgrade?” She looked over quickly at the Night-Auditor dude and said “Sorry, we have no suites available.” Of course I said “Well a two bedroom would be acceptable!” I am pretty sure that I pissed her off, she gave me back my $20 and put me on the 12th floor… well at least I got a corner king? I have this amazing ability to piss off females…. old, young…. it will happen again, I promise!

Grab my key-card, and head to the gift shop for a bottle of scotch…. the gift shop at the D is open 24 hours by the way. Get a pint of Johnny Walker Black for $30.00…. SHIT! I’m not talking 750mm, I’m not talking Double Black or Blue? A fucking little bottle of scotch for thirty fucking dollars? SHIT! Didn’t care… it’s after 3:00 am and I have to be at the convention TODAY at noon! I don’t have the time to wander around searching for a way to save ten bucks on booze? SHIT!

Go up to my moderately clean 12th floor Corner King with a beautiful view of the Fremont Street Walgreen’s. To be fare, it did have a comfortable big king bed, a 2 foot wide corner window that looked directly into the 12th floor of the parking garage, digital room safe, flat screen TV, fridge, and an old un-remodeled bathroom with seven wash cloths, four hand towels and ONE bath towel? Unpacked to minimize wrinkling of my “business casual” outfits… shoved $500 in my pocket and locked up wallet and valuables in safe and literally ran out the door to get to my degenerate gambling. Normally I would say drunken, degenerate gambling, but I was still sober? SHIT! OK I made a stiff to-go cup to take with me before I left.

Walked out of the D, headed over to the Fremont for a $2.00 Heineken. No, my to-go cup did not even last the short elevator ride.

Grabbed my Heineken and did my typical walk through Binion’s, across to the California, and over to MSS. I plopped my happy butt down at the Boar’s Head Bar jamming a twenty into an open seat at the buffet side of the bar.

Looked at my watch… 3:55 am… SHIT! So for the next hour it was twenty bucks in, J&B and Soda, SHIT!.... twenty bucks in, J&B and Soda, SHIT!.... twenty bucks in, J&B and Soda, SHIT!.... twenty bucks in, J&B and Soda, SHIT! OK after a $200.00 loss on VP, eight J&B and Sodas, it was a little after 5:00 am… SHIT! This was not the fun as I was hoping for…. but I was no longer sober… and I was not on-tilt. I was struggling with the decision to act responsibly and go to bed or to be totally degenerate and go gamble somewhere else. Seriously, these two alternatives were better than considering staying here and continue this beat-down…. right?

So what does one do at 5:00 am on Fremont Street…. drunk… with a big huge gamble-boner going? (Girls can get gamble-boners too by the way!) Go back to my room and get some sleep like a responsible business person attending a convention or continue drinking and gambling? Hello, I was invited to post here because I choose the drunken, degenerate gambling, and savvy way of life… really need to start that savvy stuff sometime.

So I walk around the MSS tables, no drunkards gambling here this late. Check out the Cal, nope. Over to Binion’s, never gamble here, so I head over to the Fremont. Holy Guacamole…. a black-jack table with loud obnoxious drunks! So I sit down at this $10 double-deck game and buy in for $200.

There are two drunken Australians playing on the first base side and a woman playing on third base… I sit in the middle. The Aussies get real quiet when I buy in. I’m getting a little self-conscious wondering “What did I do now? Why are they so quiet now?” We play a few hands of quiet black-jack. I’m a little disappointed; they were loud, drunk, and obnoxious when I walked up. Now they were muted, without any real reaction to my attempts at conversation? Seriously “What did I do now?”

Waitress came by and I ordered a J&B and Soda. Immediately both of the Aussies screamed at the top of their lungs “WHISKEY!” I just about SHIT my pants. No one else seemed surprised? It seems that the table only had luck with “whiskey” drinkers? They were incredibly overwhelmed that I sat down at their table and ordered a “whiskey”? All right then; my kind of crowd… now loud… drunk… obnoxious… and as a bonus, illogically superstitious. (Is there a logical superstition?)

I look up to the dealer with a raised eye-brow and ask him “How long has this been going on?” He said “At least three hours now.”

This dealer was my favorite kind. Early sixties… seen it all…. bored with drunks…. little or no sense of humor…. will respond bluntly to questions…. unresponsive to my drunken antics. Some people like the beautiful girls, some people like talkative engaging and humorous dealers; me… I like proficient, quiet, even surly dealers. It’s the old school way, the customers provide the entertainment and conversation, the dealers job is to deal!

Any way I’m fucking with the Australians, telling them how they are second best compared to Texans… they are laughing and giving it right back to me… dealer is continuing his bored-out-of-his-mind but professional work… and dealing me 20 after 20 after 20. Seriously; black-jack is really fun when you look at your two cards and they add up to 20. The Fremont even has a carny bet for two-card twenties, I never made the bet.

Any way now on to the point of this black-jack story…. hey I could have told you that I went to bed, but that would have been a lie. Remember; when I sat down there was the lady at third base? Even tough I was busy talking shit to the Australians, ordering scotch whiskey (WHISKEY!), counting ten-plus-ten-equals-twenty, I was a little distracted because this lady played like shit. She would hit bust hands against dealer 4’s, 5’s, 6’s… split almost anything… basically playing suicidal aggressive. When I took my attention off her cards and looked her right in the eye I recognized what seemed like familiar face seen on the various Vegas forums online. She was a cute little lady, shoulder length brunette hair, bangs, sparkly tiara-looking hair thingy-dangy, with a twinkle in her eye (when she was winning.)

But - everything else did not add up. She made horrible gambling decisions as I mentioned. She was drinking Jack and Ginger (WHISKEY!) The twinkle in her eye would change to wiggly devil-eyes when she lost. Oh yeah… she was shit-faced drunk. Maybe it was the whiskey (WHISKEY!) in me…. OK it was the whiskey (WHISKEY!) in me; but I got the bright idea to find out if she was the person I thought she might be.

So I looked at her and asked “Where you from?” She gave me a twinkley-eyed response (she won a hand) and said “California.” Next hand I asked “Northern California?” And again she gave me a twinkley-eyed response “Yes!” I was confidently but yet confused now… yeah that does not make sense… her cute appearance; check… confirmed Northern Californian, check. On the other hand… down-town, drunk, horrible player, whiskey (WHISKEY!), and those occasional wiggly devil-eyes; no-check.

I know I should have shut up right then and there. But I had to ask… “Is your name Evoni?”

Holy St. Crapoloplus, she lost a hand and then gave me the devil-eyes and said “Evoni! Who the fuck is Evoni! Do I look like an Evoni! Is that even a real name! No, no my name is not Evoni!” She continued on a five minute tirade about me asking if her name was Evoni.

In the mean time the Aussies are bugging the dealer, asking if they can make the carny 20-on-two-card bet on my hand. He told them no they could not; in a very non-sympathetic and monotone way of course.

After the crazy lady quieted down for a few hands, I regained my composure and resumed my normal drunken degenerate behavior. The Australians both had heavy bets and got splits against a dealer 6, I of course sat pat with a 20. Third base wiggly-eyed lady was dealt a 13. So of course I looked at her and said “Evoni, Please don’t hit that against a 6!” Well she did, she lost, the Aussies lost, I pushed?

She looked at me and said “So Asshole, who is this Evoni person?” Now the loud, drunk, and now pissed-off Australians are shouting and screaming at the Pit Boss to let them make their carnie bets on my hand. I was distracted and responded to devil-eyes “Someone I know from the Internet.”

Well she goes off on a ten-minute tirade about the horrible things that can happen from meeting people on the Internet. The Pit Boss reiterates to the Australians that they can not make a carnie bet on my hand. And then after listening to the crazy lady the Pit Boss informs me and the Aussies that under any circumstances we are not to refer to the lady at third base as “Evoni!”

Three hands later, Aussies have pat hands, I have an 18 (SHIT!), devil-eyes has a 12 with the dealer showing a 3.  My boys from down under start hollering “Hit it Evoni!... Hit it Evoni!... Hit it Evoni!” Of course she stood…. Dealer caught a 21… I lost… and for the first time in several years I was bounced out of a Casino by the Pit (along with the Aussies.) SHIT!

I made my walk of shame across the street back to The D. The sun was shining… SHIT! Grabbed a McDonalds breakfast and went to bed for a refreshing three hours sleep!


  • Bought a little bitty $30 bottle of Scotch. SHIT!
  • Lost $200 bucks playing VP at MSS. SHIT!
  • Got asked to leave a Casino. SHIT!
  • Sun was up when I have to work the same day. SHIT!

Up next:

The continuing saga of my first day…I keep going after my three hour nap. SHIT!
Worst morning ever…. including toilets and security guards in my room. SHIT!


Well, Squidward is off to a great degenerate and entertaining start. I can't wait to find out what happens next!

C'mon back and see for yourself!

Royal Flusher


    1. SHIT! Can't wait to hear more!

    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    4. OMG this is the BEST trip report of all time! and YES it is funny :) dying to hear about the 'worst morning ever' SHIT!!!

    5. See this is why I love Vegas!

    6. Wow!! Fantastic blog post!! Thanks for all the good info!!


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