Back in the room, I put a bunch of my cheapstravaganza beer on ice in the sink. Beer cans have new features like Double Vented Wide Mouths, and EZ-Drink Vents and such.
We needed this??
Just how, how can you fuck up beer in a can?
Why don't they put their energies into giving the consumer what they really want... like the Baker's Dozen Case of Beer? I say more beer, less venting!
Despondent beyond belief I phone Mrs. Flusher back in Flusherville.
What I said:
What she heard: "waaa waaa waa waaaa waaa waaa waaaaaa".
We talked it over and tried to come up with a course of action. And then I remembered. The Emergency Twenties. Yes, I had a couple of twenties stashed in the safe, which were supposed to be part of the 'Admin' money for food, tips, and ambulance fees. All of a sudden I had a new source of gambling revenue!
"Maybe..." I said, "...maybe I need a change in venue. Maybe I need to go to T.I.". (I would have been staying there this trip except they don't send me offers anymore - T.I. where's the Flush Love???)
"I will play carefully. I will show restraint. I will play only quarters, I will play only low-volatility Bonus Poker," I promised.
I could see Treasure Island beckoning from my window. It looked about a two minute walk from here. It also looked about 20 feet tall with little ants going into the little ant casino inside and playing their little six-armed ant bandit slot machines. But I digress.
Even though my guts ached, I put my complimentary Four Queens cap on and headed out. Natch, because it rained in Vegas, all of the overpass escalators were not working. I sucked it up - I was on a gambling mission.
Entering T.I., I was hit with a fog of sledgehammer scent. Will they never fix this? It actually hurts my lungs in there. Frontier owner guy, are you listening???
Okay, my little rant over, I proceeded with care, and restraint... directly to the high volatility 50-cent Bonus Poker Deluxe machines.
And I inserted the first twenty as gently as fuck
(What does the above even mean???)
Okay, and about 7 hands in, this happened:
Stupidly emboldened, I proceeded to lose about $80 playing super-high volatility crap paytable Super Mega Ultra Elite Epic Fucker Bonus poker at the bar, thinking I would immediately get Aces with kicker on it (which pays a cool $1000). Whenever you cite a large number that's sort of even, you can say it is a cool whatever
Okay, well, time to move on. I though I'd do some shopping for shirts (since I only brought enough for four days and it was day six) at the Fashion Hype Mall Which Is Almost Dying An Ugly Death. I thought Macy's Menses might mete a shirt or two but it was a bust. And I was too tired to schlep all the way to Ross. I headed back out to the Strip, and back to Encore. Sore. Exhausted. That Jimmy Buffet really took a piece out of my ass.
Having learned my lesson about expecting to play a machine I'd done well on the day before, and putting a hundy in it, and expecting it to play well, I didn't do that.
I put a twenty in expecting it to play well, instead. Because all I could lose was $20 right.
Well. I immediately started going up in credits. Two pairs. A straight. Two pairs. A full house. Winning hands. And then I hit a nice quad, got it up to $210 and cashed out my ticket at $200. Talk about salvation redemption degenerate chasing bullshit loser ballsack luck!
Put another $20 in the dollar Bonus Poker machine... and it started going up as well! So different from the usual pound, pound, pound, get nothing. And that's just the coal miners, never mind the video poker.
Ran that $20 up to $65 and then it dropped some so I though, what the hey, and cashed it out at $40, locking a profit. Whatever works!!!
What next you ask???? Another $20! And this one tanked. Shame, that. So I switched to the other side of the bank, to quarter Double Double Bonus.
Before too long, I got four 8s. Enough to keep me going. Almost played that out and got another quad - four 8s this time.
Got down to $40 and for some reason, I just punched the cash-out button, and hauled my arse back to the dollar machines. Why? I have no idea really, it was just a whim.
It hardly took any time at all - although there were a few annoying 'fake Royal' hands to taunt me -
|Sideways No-Royal Action|
Tried one more $20 on Double Double on a different machine but it was cold. I went to the room and called the Quad Queen.
"I'm up $360 today," I boasted. "Pretty savvy play, eh?" I heard the QQ roll her eyes noisily over the phone. But she was happy for me.
What an incredible feeling, and what a huge relief! It was pretty much a $1000 comeback - from being probably down $600 to up $360. When I'd left the room, I had $140 on me, and now I had $1020 on me. It's proof that I have no clue what is going to happen next!
My server, Allison, was gentle with me. "Would you like some wine," she asked.
"Yes, some red, but I have no idea about wine. So bring me something good."
"You mean, something good and expensive?" she asked brightly.
"I mean, something cheap and good."
"Do you mean a cheap wine then?" she asked. Allison was only a little more confused than I was.
"Just choose something for me Allison. And make it good. And make it cheap."
"I have just the thing."
Allison brought me a glass of Parcel 41 wine, and a little magazine to read, because I looked so lonely and desperate for attention. So thoughtful!
The meal was really, really good, and the service was impeccible. Let's have a look, shall we?
|Tomato Bisque in Espresso Cup - Almost reduction level flavor!|
|Macc and Cheese Cubes with Truffle Dipping Sauce - So. Fucking. Good.|
"You're batting 100, Allison," I replied suavely.
After I thought about it I realized that batting 100 is probably not as good as she'd hoped for.
|Fancy-ass Japanese Chicken That I Can't Remember Pasta|
|Cool Floor! Eights...|
|Home-made Ice Cream Ice Cream Sandwiches|
And it sits near me on the desk as I write this, a blooming idiot with a $360 win on the day.