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Friday, August 30, 2013

Lace Up Your Bauers Everybody

Even though I wanted to like my first stay in MGM, there were those little things were putting me off. Like the one motorized shade of two that worked on a whim - which wasn't often.

Or the fact that the $25 (plus 12% tax) resort fee includes what they call "high-speed wi-fi internet".

I can't tell you how many times I had to reconnect on the laptop, and on the knock-off smart phone. Probably 20 times.

And Jimmy Poon tells me that the less than 0.5 MBits / second speed I was getting is anything but "high-speed". I get four times faster speeds on the free downtown service. rates MGM's wi-fi speed a 'D' by North American standards. This, and a news paper, is worth $25???

My suite is configured for the physically challenged, which is fine, but I wasn't told about it, or given a choice. That explains why no tub, and I think the layout is a little different than other suites.

Standing in the completely marbled shower stall, I had to wonder why it needed to have a fire sprinkler. It also had a seat, lots of grab bars, and one of those hand-held top 'n bottom squirty things, which was right up my alley.

I grabbed a tall skinny latte at Starbucks and put $21 into the Lion's Share and did not become a multi-millionaire. I did get to play for twenty minutes though, running it up over $100 and back down. Back in the room, I chowed down on one of my bird-seed bars and a few almonds. I'm a good l'il Flusher!

We had a fascinating Web Conference emanating from Norbert's office: "Giving And Receiving Criticism Objectively, Like The Complete Fucktonsils That You Are". That kept me busy for a while, which was probably a good thing.

At lunch (Avenue 24), they offered me a seat at the bar. Did they think I'd be embarrassed sitting at their version of the Single Lonely Diner Table?

I rejected the first offer.

How about this table... and they offered the S.L.D.T. I rejected the second offer.

The third and final offer was... a booth. Which I took. I ordered up a grilled cheese on sourdough with tomato dipping sauce and fries. This had the potential to be outstanding, but failed because of the bread - generic Wonderfuckingbread 'sourdough', and the cheese - one or maybe two slices or processed cheese.

Avenue 69, this is what I make at home. Exactly. Don't make it here and charge me $15. Does that sound harsh? They could have made it with a nice cheddar - and with the excellent tomato dipping sauce and the fries, it would have been delightful. Add a home-made bread and they could have bragged about it. I mentioned this to the waitress and they said they used to offer a choice of 3 cheeses. Clearly, the Avenue Blowme accountants that have ravaged all of MGM Mirage have also gotten to the lowly cheese sandwich.

If I sound cranky, it's because I know what happened on Thursday and you don't (yet). Isn't cranky a great word, btw?

After lunch, I lost $42 at the Lion's Share, and then managed a quad on dollar Bonus Poker. Then I lost $40 and $20 on various VP, and $101 on the Majestic Stupid Falling-over Lions getting only two $10 payouts, a $2 payout, and the rest dumperizing. Fuck me gently with a steamroller.

I was taking a minor beating and I knew it was time to retreat and regroup. This meant going up to the room and putting out yesterday's stellar blogging content. Hell, I'd only played 30 minutes in the casino and was down on the day way more than I wanted.

Eventually, I would need to take on the casino again. I had a couple of belts of Prince Plonknya, grabbed one of my cheap $2 cigars, my gambling accoutrements, Hello Kitty, Gordie Howe, Squidward lucky thong keychain, and a few other things. I would take on the dollar Bonus Poker in the high-limit room.

The session that followed was easily the highlight of my stay at MGM. It was that perfect time of day, early evening. The high-limit room was essentially deserted. I had my own attendant to call my own cocktail waitress. I had my cigar going, fouling the air for a radius of 20 meters, which kept the riff-raff away, or at least, subdued to the point of semi-consciousness, I had my Maker's Mark on the rocks at my side.

And I played.

And it went well.

I put a hundy into the machine and played it down to $15, and then recovered, due to a quad, and before long a very welcome straight flush.

Lovely straight flush(er)!
At this point, I was actually even on the day. I cashed out a $300 ticket and began again with a new hundy. Got 4 to a Royal, but didn't hit it. And then went into the dumper, down to $20 left.

Got a quad, kept going.

Was this 'quick quads' game made for the QQ or what?
And down to $10. And out. I played almost two hours on dollars, in comfortable surroundings, but ended up down $100 on the day when it was said and done.

I texted the news to the Quad Queen.

"What are you gonna try next?" came the reply.

"Men's room deluxe" I texted back.

So, the newest thing, is TV screens on the faucets. Really?

On the way out, I saw a shirt which read "The liver is evil and must be punished." Appropriate for Vegas!

I played a little more dollars, got a quad, and then promptly gave it all back in about 3 minutes. What the hey?

Time for dinner - I tried some Wok place the name of which escapes me. Wok Wok, or Wok and Roll, or Golden Wok, or Wok Job 2000 or something.

I got a great Single Lonely Diner Table, well away from other diners, but near the action of the casino. I was behind glass. People watched me eat. They pointed and took pictures when I did something 'cute'. I felt like screeching and  flinging feces at them.

Dinner was excellent, I must say. I had a lovely, spicy, hot and sour soup (yes, I guess my guts have recovered) and a red curry coconut chicken dish. I ate everything (except some of the rice - Las Vegas Diet!)

Wok Single Lonely Chimp Diner Table

Royal Flusher was seated well out of annoyance-range of the other patrons.

Thought I'd try some $10 craps and bought in at the coldest table I've ever seen. I dropped to $30 just playing pass line with single odds in about 3 minutes. Changed tables. Same thing. Down to my last $10, which I put on the pass line.

I said to the dealer, "that table over there was the coldest I've ever been on. Does this one have a sheet of ice on it too?"

He grunted.

The shooter set a point of 4. Great.

"So, is he gonna roll a 4 or are we going skating?" I asked the eloquent dealer.

He grunted.


"Lace up your Bauers everybody," I said, and left, disgusted.

Fucking craps.

I'd been flying so high on the dollar BP. Where had my luck gone???

I tried $42 on the Lion's Stupid Fucking Share. I tried $20 here, $20 there. I dipped into my Admin money when my day's stake was gone.

I played at the bar. I played at the machine I'd won the $500 on the night before.

Yes, you read that right, when the day's stake was gone... I did it again.

My view from the $8 Lucky Heineken bar.
One great thing about the bar was getting a free drink for playing while watching a guy pay $16 for two Lucky Heineken's - and he wasn't playing, so how was he going to benefit from the Luck of Lucky Heineken Brand Beers????

I texted the Quad Queen back at home: "Total crash and burn. I suck. -$600"

And with that, I sucked my way back to my sucky suite. And the trip sucked to the total of minus $890.

This is where it could get really ugly for this trip if I don't pull a miracle out of my ass (or someone else's ass). Where is that Royal????


    1. Great read...thanks! Hopefully the storm clouds have completely cleared. Looking forward to the next installment of your webinars too!

    2. When you edit for the phoneformercial, please put an asterick before and after so i can get to the degenerate stuff. kay? I feel like im in an empty football stadium waiting for kickoff. I hope you dont end up at the soup kitchen, but ya know you could do a toasted cheese Las Vegas challenge to infuse some life into the abyss. Why are your downtown visits so much more interesting? You need to do some rabbits foot rubbin and some shamrock huggin. NO more room rubbish subs either. I want some inspiring content. cmon man.

    3. I am amused by your blogs but I must say, if you smoke cigars in public, my hope is that you lose your shirt, and after playing your last credit, explode. It cannot be overstated how annoying those $%^%$#@ things are. You shouldn't be so selfish--your "personal freedom" doesn't extend to where you blot out others' enjoyment.
      And BTW, since you're within a few hundred yards of dozens of 100%+ games, but you choose to play 98.8% DDB (or worse), you deserve to lose. Heck, you can play breakeven 10/6 DDB at half a dozen places in Vegas, if you're Jonesing for that game.
      All of the above said, please continue to be amusing.

    4. I was considering staying at the MGM this October. Was going to give them a second chance as I haven't stayed there in about 6 years after they messed up a reservation and tried to 3x charge me. But after your experience appears they still can't get things right there. Thanks for the info Flusher.

    5. As I sit on the porch this evening I had to light my 2nd cheap cigar so I could finish reading your retelling of this trip. Smoke on Royal Flusher, may the funky clouds of smoke trumpet your awesomeness to the world!

      "I really drink Bourbon..."

    6. Thanks for the humour in these trying times. I played the Lions Share and almost had a heart attack when the first two green lions came down and the third came half way down and then went back up. The group lined up behind me let out a big sigh of relief and a couple voices gave me a very insincere "too bad". I was actually quite shaken after blowing my $200 as I thought for sure I was going to win but of course did not. It was won the next day! I still have dreams about that dam slot machine. Thanks again!


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