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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Welcome to Fabulous Flusher Vegas

I made it from the puddle jumper docking area at Pearson through security in what is probably record time, which will never be broken.

No wait anywhere, boom boom boom, have a nice flight.

With about 3 hours to kill, I decided to pay for access to the Air FU Canada Fancy-Ass Lounge. I went up there, strolled up to the counter amidst lots of travelers who, unlike me, looked like they belonged.

Whipped out my boarding pass, and credit card.

"Sorry sir, there are no same-day pay for entries."

"Oh. Well.... Hmm. That's different. You used to allow this, right?"


"It was like, twenty five bucks right?"

The legion of leather-accessoried suit-wearing 'classy' people behind me grew restless.

"No. We never offered that."

"So..... can I come in?"

"Well, let's see. No. No you can't. Ever."

She directed me to the cheap-ass publicly available for pay lounge, back where I'd come from.

Head lowered, I backed my way to the elevator and down. Found the lounge, paid about $40 and got ensconced.

It wasn't bad, I suppose. A few hot items on the buffet - enough to make a meal out of.

And, best of all, an open bar, of which I availed myself. All I could think of was that come hell or high water, by the time my flight was called for boarding, I needed to drink over $40 worth of Smirnoff.

When it was time, I gathered my chattels and made headway to the gate, stopping at the head on the way.

(See how I wrote that??)

I have a new watch that I think makes me look classy, if a watch can do that. So I strode purposefully amongst the waiting hordes, looking self-important. They mostly looked at me with a mixture of quizzicality, despair, and disdain.


Got loaded up onto the plane - window seat, 16F - and the plane was full. I had a rather large and muscular Swiss youth next to me. We talked about sports for a while, and then we took off right on time and I put the headphones on.

The flight went okay I guess. I was a bit cramped and never left my seat.

Weird looking cloud over Chicago. What do you peeps EAT??
I'd brought along some first class entertainment on the knockoff piPhone 3.14 to watch, so that kept me busy.

We approached Vegas a full half-hour early. Sweet.

On the descent, I switched SIM cards in my piPhone, taking the Rogers one out, stowing it safely, and putting in the Roam Mobility one. Because I was on an airplane, I didn't put the Rogers SIM card away - I stowed it. Sounds smooth, doesn't it.

As you may know, I'm trying out Roam as an answer to patently ridiculous rip-off roaming fees for Canadians traveling 'abroad'.

They are giving me the service for free, and only ask that I write about my experiences. And I will, both the good and the bad.

First of all, do you know how hard it is to find a dropped fucking Rogers SIM card the size of a tiny baby dick while bouncing through three cloud layers jammed into window seat 16F on final descent into Las Vegas????

People, take it from me, be careful where your SIM goes!

Okay, I got the Roam SIM installed into the piPhone and upon landing, I was ready to try out voice, text and data. This service would cost Canadians $4 a day and include 100MB of data.

(Meanwhile, Air FU Canada didn't have a gate for us, and we sat on the 100 degree tarmac for half an hour, waiting. So big whoop that we were early. Jeez Louise.)

My phone picked up the Roam service right away and I was texting to Mrs. Flusher back in Ontario, no problem!


However, I had no data service.


I fucked with the settings interminably and couldn't get it to work... but WAIT!!!!! At the stroke of 10:00pm I got a text saying basically "You are golden with Roam Mobility."

I'd set the prepaid package to start at 10:00pm in anticipation of a 10:20pm landing time. Of course it didn't work before! We were on the ground at 9:45!

And, it just worked!

I took pictures of everyone around me and sent them back to Canada, reveling in the fact that I wasn't getting fucked in the ear sideways for the privilege.

(Roam Mobility, please forgive my 'blue' language.... after all, it is a 'blue moon'.)

Okay, so I was connected, and for you readers of this blog, my tweets, my facebooks, my emails, my posts, my twits, traps and twats, you know I need that cray connectivity!

Finally the plane docked and I grabbed my carry on and got on out of there. I skipped the post flight pee just to be able to get downtown and get gambling as soon as possible.

I called Jimmy, my driver from Presidential Limo, using my Roam service, and the call went through just fine. He was ready and waiting.

I'd ordered a stretch limo with the 'champagne' service. Well, they sent Jimmy and an 8 passenger monster of a limo, which swallowed me up like, oh, a very small thing going into a very large limo thing. (See above.)

I gave Jimmy my business card and told him I was a 'hotshot blogger from the East'.

He looked at me with that wonderful look of "what the fuck are you even talking about" that I know so well.

"Jimmy," I said, "I can put you on the Internet and you can either be a hero or...."

I paused.

"Or... yeah, I think you're gonna be a hero all the way, Jimmy."
We took off and I had a glass or two of champagne and found it was very hard to pour it into the provided flute.

So somewhere on I-15 I started swigging that chilled sumbitch swill right from the bottle.

"Jimmy," I shouted at the driver, "have you ever seen Flight? Can this limo go upside down?"



And by the time we got downtown, a little over half of it was gone. I took a final pull, threw a $20 to Jimmy, and checked in to Main Street Station.

California and Train Track View Room at MSS
Up in the room I dumped the bags, grabbed some hundys, and went to try out Main Street Station's renowned toilets.

These are known as the 'Big Dippers', so-called because of the premium extra-high ice cold water levels in the bowl. The water is rumored to come as high as a half inch below the seat.

I went to unzip and....



my mind reeled as I rewound the last 5 hours and 22 minutes of arrogant 'look at me' activities.

Yes, the old zipperoo was already down.

And had been that way since Gate F51 in Toronto.


I hit the Boar's Head Bar. Finally, after six months, back in Vegas! God how I love it. In the elevator I was windmilling my arms and jumping up and down with excitement.

My destination was the machines I'd started the last trip on - dollar Treasure Chest at the bottom of the escalator in The Cal.

The CW came by and I explained that I "needed my medicine". A five dollar tip on the first round brought a second round within one minute. No lie.

And so it went for an hour or so. I phoned the Quad Queen and told her the blow by blow, hand by hand for a while so she could enjoy the play vicariously.

And... I hit my first quad of the trip ($140) and later my second quad of the trip ($180) and cashed out up $200 for the trip and stumbled to the Market Street Cafe for something to eat.

Closed for cleaning. WTF.
They had the Pasta Pirate open with the same specials as the Cafe, so I had the 'Two's Company'. Isn't that cute?

"How would you like your eggs?" the server asked.

"Any style, please."

I got my order with sausage instead of bacon, piping hot, everything fresh off the griddle. I mean, like, one minute off the thing. Everything was soooo good! The bill came to $5.07 and I tipped $5.

"I just got off the plane, I just had the most excellent totally hot fresh Two's Company, and I'm drunk," I said to the cashier.

"Congratulations on being off the plane and drunk, sir! I'm glad you enjoyed your special."

We had a laugh and a hug, well, okay, so I sort of tried for the hug, but was rebuffed - whatever.

But it was a nice healthy shared laugh, I AM SURE of it.

Some stupid machine ate $100 on my way back to the room. That happens, right?

At 4:30am eastern time, I dropped off to sleep, back in Vegas, and up $100 on the trip.


    1. The food porn pic was in a red tint. On purpose?

    2. Wow… a nice story with enjoyable experiences.

    3. The lighting in the Pasta Pirate is heavy on the red spectrum - every picture I've taken in there turns out like that one.

    4. Flusher--Love your writing!! If I could write that good I'd go "pro"!! It's fun trying to figure out what your talking about! My wife and I are "Strip" people, but I'd stay downtown, if she let me. Good luck and many Royals to you

    5. always. Bring it Flusher!

    6. Probably jumping up and down in an elevator isn't the best idea in the world! LOL
      Good luck!

    7. LMAO about your zipper!! Keep your barn door closed Flusher!!!!

    8. Royal, (oh hell, I have read so many of your posts that I feel I can just call you Roy. OK?)

      You certainly do have a way with the Queens English. I love your style, and every once in awhile I just burst out laughing so it's a win-win. That moment occurred in this post with your zipper discovery. I laughed so loud it woke up my dog in the next room who started howling, waking up my wife. As a result, I am no longer allowed to read your posts after 10:30 PM. Oh well.

      I also noticed a lack of a certain hockey card gracing your VP mahines. What happened to Gordie?

    9. Gordie Howe is stashed in my wallet for super-emergency use!

    10. How did I miss this blog all these years? It will take me the better part of the weekend to catch up, but I'm loving every minute of it!

      1. Kay, only 17 people know about this blog - well, 18 now. :)

        Thank you for your comment - it made my day!

    11. nice! I had Jimmy back in March for a strip tour and will be trying out Roam next month in Vegas


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