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Sunday, April 27, 2014

Crazy Dollar Action at the El Cortez

Day 5

It was Saturday. I folded about 326 more stupid brochures while the Quad Queen was finally hitting her stride during morning session at the main Nugget bar, hitting quad after quad.

The pictures kept coming in on my cell and I finally said the hell with it and took the day off of GrommetCon 2014 activities. Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer could get along without me.

I guess short pay doesn't matter as much when you are the Quad Queen and you are hitting like crazy.

And so we played some at the various bars at the Golden Nugget, strict rules of parlay. As I grabbed a bar stool the drunk two seats over started yammering at me. This is one thing about playing so early in the morning - you catch the drunken idiots who haven’t been to bed yet. I guess the Keno game was on the screen so this lout turns to me and starts shouting. “WANT NUMBERS?” I did what any savvy Flusher does. I ignored him. “WANT NUMBERS?” I spoke, but didn’t turn, as I was punching up Boner Deluxe, getting ready to start my day’s play. “No.” “NUMBER 23. 14… NUMBER 58. NUMBER 64…” Finally I’d had enough. I turned to the lowly meat sack whose brainless torso and limbs occupied the seat. “How about number 86???” But of course he wouldn’t shut up. He started firing off verbal missiles to any target that came into his purview. Particularly the bartenders who have mastered the art of aloof bare interest, without being downright rejectful. “I WAS IN CHINA FOR SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS… I BLAH BLAH BLAH” He regaled the bartenders and the barback and us with tales of his economic and intellectual prowess while living in China, not to mention how wonderful China was, and how to fix the entire universe.
One of the bartenders, a great old school guy who’s been there like forever, caught my eye and we shared a tiny eyeroll. “I’ve eaten Chinese food,” I said to him while the drunk blathered about Shanghai. “I’ve heard of Chinese food,” he said. Meanwhile, making it all worthwhile, my old pal, Boner Deluxe, layed down like a sweet little thing and gave it all up to Doc Flushiepants, that’s $200 for me, enough to get me even.

It’s kind of weird to be writing about a video poker game as a yielding female called Boner Deluxe. I’m not sure what got into me. Maybe the prominent Magnolia’s Anal Breakfast advertising is throwing me off. We decided to move on. The Swollen Nugget folks were engaging in painting - lightening the very stodgy looking ceilings at the front of the casino. I liked the direction they were heading with it. It should help with the claustrophobic feeling the place has sometimes.

Meanwhile… at another Nugget bar, my notes say I was dealt Aces on Boner Deluxe, but I was too pre-breakfast froot-looped to remember to take a picture. And again I pulled to even on the day. You’ll note that when I show up, the Quad Queen stops winning. It’s just the ephemeral effect of my grandiose miasma I suppose. “I’m ready to eat, how about you?” I asked the QQ. “Anal breakfast?” “Right!” So we headed over to Magnolia’s for another round of you-know-what, which we assumed would be comped on the back end.
The hockey game wasn’t quite on, so we tried that dollar Jacks. You always wonder if you quit too soon. And of course, yesterday’s magic was gone and I dumped $200 there. The Bruins (QQ’s team) were playing the Flyers (Mike’s team) so we had a grand old time taking the game in at the bar. We chugged away for the whole game - three and a half hours in all, and I lost $100 over that time. That’s actually not bad for entertainment. The highlight was being deal quad fours and getting to draw for the kicker. Would it be there? Would it? Would it?....
Hell yes it would... got the kicker!
Mike celebrating yet another Flyers goal - from two months ago I think.
The Quadless queen lost $240 over that time, so it was kind of an expensive outing for her. But the Bruins won. On the way to The D, in front of the bandstand, I passed behind this pretty much naked chick. This scrawny broad was flapping her bare buttcheeks all over Fremont. She had some kind of green thing around her waist, and I just had to see what was going on in the front. So I peeked around, just curious… and she gives me this look like I am some kind of leering stalker. Are you serious??? Anyway, the front wasn’t much better and her boobs were covered with little coconut thingies. She later in the stay upgraded these to flesh-colored patches of tape, from the Wendy O Williams school of Dance, I suppose. We had some free play at the D - a full five dollars - and we scored some match plays and a $10 food comp, which I stuffed in my wallet for later. We did some play upstairs but nothing much eventful happened. And the match plays worked pretty well. I put up the money and we turned $20 in to $60. I gave the Quad Queen half the profit, ten dollars. At least, this is how I explained it to her. By now I was pretty hungry for lunch, and the combo hockey bar drinking / country throw-up gravy high was worn off. It was another beautiful day in Vegas, such a nice change from the long, long winter back home. About 80 degrees, sunny, breezy… we loped down Fremont and I headed straght for Le Thai, while I sent the Quad Queen into the El Cortez to gamble, where, I told her, I knew she would be very, very lucky indeed! “You know what you need? No, you don’t. But I do. I happen to know that it is Free Pie day at the El Cortez. That means you will be very, very lucky indeed!” Notes: “I had Le thai while QQ got ass kicked at El Cortez”

Addendum: I decided to split this post into two parts, so there isn't any actual crazy dollar action in this one.


    1. El Cortez pie and no dollar super loco iwanna win atleast my money back poker? HOW are you gonna leave us on this cliffhanger of a day?

    2. Notes: “I had Le thai while QQ got ass kicked at El Cortez”

      Best line ever at the end of an installment... Need to figure out how to work that one in the Kodak vacation slides viewing at the Ida Funkhouser memorial day bbq.

    3. I love your reports. I have read for years. You travel like I do, eat like I eat, and play like I play. I don't mean to be thick, but could you briefly explain the strict rules of parlay! Thanks, and best wishes for continued short term positive variance!

    4. Thanks Michael. I really appreciate hearing back from you. Maybe we are long lost degenerate half-brothers twice removed! I will explain the Strict Rules, and also the Queensbury Rules.



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