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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Will You Pose With My Lucky Goat?

Tuesday January 13, 2015

First, a note - check this out:

Pageview chart 777786 pageviews - 570 posts, last published on Jan 15, 2015

Today, the blog passed 777,777 page views. We are well on our way to a million page views. I thank you, my loyal, savvy readers.

Because you are so wonderful and loyal, and because I am so woefully behind on this so-called live trip report, I am whipping out another installment today.

And to make it live, it's Thursday in Vegas, and I am losing my ass today. I'm down $800 and have only 2 quads. I am going to go at it tonight at the Cal and Main Street. I'm bringing the goat.

On with the trip.

Up at 6:00 and out the door at 6:30 to Starbucks to get a latte and heart-start my day.

I had some work to do so I used Jimmy Poon's loaner laptop to connect back to the Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer virtual public network and transmit the top sensitive spreadsheets I'd compiled containing the typed version of Norbert's scrawled notes about each GrommetCon attendee that had been in the Veeblefetzer hospitality suite, and what kind of nasty sexual proclivities each one of them was likely to exhibit. All in the name of future bribery for grommet contracts. I'm glad I'm in the production end and not in the sleezy end.

I'm not much of a computer nerd so I made sure all this took me lots of time, during which I could sneak down to the casino.

Green Valley Ranch is a much bigger place than you would ever think from their website, which fits right on Jimmy Poon's loaner laptop screen. It's kind of laid out weird, with lobbies here, and casinos on different floors. It's sort of a huge square with wings, like Norbert in an airplane. It has a huge casino, meeting rooms, two wings of rooms, a cinema, bowling, and, it's either skeet shooting, or the pool complex, not sure which. But when I go back and get a suite with a balcony, I'm going to be shooting me some skeet.


The Green Valley Ranch decor is, depending on how you are doing in the casino, a light riff on Mediterranean sun and salt air architecture, or, Medieval Torture Chamber Moderne. I'm pretty sure I've been in funeral parlours with some of the same heavy dark wood furniture and faux candlestick sconses.

The casino has lots of tile areas, tiled in what looks like huge, once rough but now polished tiles. Of course. These were particularly hard on my toe. I tried to walk on carpet as much as possible.

Besides GrommetCon 2015, Green Valley Ranch is hosting a conference of the gay and cosmetics set, something called Sexy Hair. Now, I'm not invoking stereotypes here, I am reporting what I saw.

I believe, based on the people I saw, that they are interested in highly coifed, sculpted, teased, trimmed, blown, fried, and sprayed Sexy Hair.

And what I also saw was people who have made a sport out of the artful overapplication of commercial grade paints, sprays, automobile undercoatings, and Mac cosmetics. And that's just from the neck up. There was also a contingent of men who I believed, based on their gaits, clothing, hair, and voices, were not interested in the overcoiffed Fantasia ballerina's in the conference. I know it's a stretch, but I only report what I see, hear, and yes, smell.

There were also some pretty hot looking women there too, I have to admit.

So, the next time you book a stay at Green Valley, make sure it coincides with GrommetCon and Sexy Hair - the after-parties were surreal, and are confidential and as such, can not be discussed in this blog. You had to be there.

There was also a conference of people from a company called A10. These people were highly intelligent and pretty dull.

None of them would respond to, "Hey Poindexter!" for example. Ho-hum.

Did I mention that waiting for Starbucks to open I lost $100 in Boner Deluxe? And in a huge tragedy, my hair was not sexy at all.

Now, while Quad Queen played, I did my work in the room. The TV didn't work, so I had to call up a guy who had to pull the huge TV garage out from the wall, test things, get tools, get an electronic box and swap it out.

It seems the electronic box fitzed out and replacing it with a new one fixed the problem. Probably an A10 box.

I went down to join her for lunch at the buffet. We played some multiplay and here's what transpired.

 What, what???!!!

Is that a Royal Flush? It most certainly is, and it most certainly was got by the Quad Queen. Number two on the trip for her. I still have a big fat Royal goose egg.

We both did make Gold tier on our cards, though.

"Let us orphans in, we're hungry." "No. Fuck off if you are not an employee of A10!"
We got to the buffet for lunch to find that the A10 propeller-hatted Einsteins (who all make about 13 times what I make) had booked fully half of the buffet. We waited for half an hour and just after we got in... they got in. All of them.

I had to elbow pretty hard to snag some fried chickum and some bean crap with cheese and salsa added on top to disguise it.

I went back to work, giving the appearance of shuffling some boxes for GrommetCon, and readying the room for Norbert's Keynote Address, "Grommets, Insulating the World's Most Important Parts from Each Other".

Which sounded to me like a limerick about condoms, but whatever, Norbert, whatever.

Meanwhile Mrs. Flusher turned $100 into $150 on Triple Play Bonus, $100 into $150 on an upright, $100 into $150 on Boner Deluxe. These, she took into the high limit room. Where she lost $150. And then $150. And then $150.

All in 15 minutes. Sounds like me, not her!

When my day finished, I joined the Queen in the Qasino. We had some drinks, some laughs, forgot the war.

At one point she returned from the bathroom and said, "I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING."

"Ummm, no you don't."

"No, I have to. I flushed. I was standing, away from the terlet. And it splashed."

"I splash all the time. You should see what the seniors at the Cal do."

"No, it splashed... INTO MY FUCKING EYE!"

A drop of toilet water had made its way in a graceful arc, like a bacteria-infested eye see B.M., right into her fucking eye. (See what I did there?)

Absolutely freaky and disgusting. I sent her upstairs to rinse it out and put some ointment in it. If I'd had some grommet releaser compound, I would have used that. It works on everything. When she got back, we talked to a floorman named Mitchell, who took the issue seriously, and had a female staff member go in there with her.

According to the staff person, it seems this terlet had been recently worked on... for splashing.

Anyway, we didn't file a report or ask for compensation or any such crap. We just wanted them to know so it could be addressed. Mitchell or 'Mitch' as it were, handled it well.

Sadly, we had to reload the coffers.
Walk of shame.
And we played some dollars.

 And some pennies.

We had some dinner - at the coffee shop. It was pretty good, and they gave me a stering country throw-up gravy boat of country throw-up gravy. For my fries, yes?

We passed by the conference rooms, and I spied some swag from another conference - which seemed to be on Boise Iowa - left unattended.  This is a classic blunder where Royal Flusher is involved. I loaded my pockets with ID holders and promo poker chips. Fools! Take that, Boise! I plunder your blunder and fill my pockets with your lucky fucking chips!!!

I decided to pull out all the stops and retrieve one of the promotional goats we got from the Four Queens, believing it to be lucky.

We headed to the high limit room so I could smoke another cigar and play some dollar VP in a nice quiet environment with an incredibly sexy, busty blonde bartender who, for some reason, refused to pose for a photo holding the goat and sticking out her tongue, even though I gave her one of my special business cards.

I had a very interesting session, and the goat proved lucky. I got not one, but two straights flush, playing about 2000 hands. And yet... I did not get a quad.

I am seriously in quad drought, and also in common sense drought. (See above.)

The barkeep and I managed to patch things up, exchanging smalltalk. She was working on an interesting libation right in front of me, soaking some satchels of spice in hot water.

Okay, so I was a bit cowed at this gorgeous top-heavy 10 out of 10 brick shithouse of a woman, a bit tongue-tied, except for stupid udderances such as "Will you pose with my lucky goat?"

(See what I did up there? This blog is turning into a beauty.)

Anyway, I watched her employ her mixology skills to concoct this amazing beverage. She had a couple of tumblers of ice ready to go, and probably some smoke and mirrors and sparklers on deck for all I knew.

"So what's in those little packets?" I asked. "Is that... tea?"

"Yes. It is," she said.

"Oh, cool! That's really neat."

She swished the ice around. Clearly, she was a real pro.

"And what kind of special drink are you making with those?" I asked, gesturing to the frosty ice-filled tumblers.

"Iced tea."

Lucky goat, Boise swag, and Mr. Hockey. How can I lose?

Goat power!
The exciting thing is, we have two lucky goats at our disposal. Thank you Four Queens and all Chinese people!

The good news, we made Platinum. The bad news:

Royal Flush: Day $-900 Trip $-3000
Quad Queen: Day $-1000 (IN SPITE OF GETTING A ROYAL!!!) Trip $-1100

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