Day 1 - Tuesday - part 2
I do not get penny slots. But I think my instincts were correct.
"Blonde, can I play for less than $4.00 a spin?"
"Sure, you can play for 40 cents a spin and get lots of spins and get free beer."
"But what could I miss out on?"
"Well," she said, "you could miss out on dumping $3.60 a spin."
"But the top prize, do I have to play max coins to win the progressive thingy?" (which stood at something close to half a million dollars).
"Don't worry about that, you're never going to win it."
"But if I don't play max coins I definitely won't win it. And if I hit the jackpot with less than max coins, I will drive a slot card through my heart right her in Onions casino!"
By the way, no, I did NOT go to the safe and remove the last $200 of the money I'd brought to Vegas with me. I'd arrived at the hotel the previous night at 11:00pm. It was now just around noon the next day. I was down $1500 on the trip. So I left the safe alone.
Instead, I took a marker at the cage for $1000.
OK, so back to Onions, I settled in to play the Wizard slot thingy but my card was messed up. For some reason, they had zeroed my account and taken the three or four comp dollars I had on there. But now, I was treated as a new signup and qualified for the new signup bonuses.
Armed with my new card, I walked back to the machines (securing cocktail waitress services on the way). I put $20 into the Wizard of Odds slot which was sandwiched by two Wonky Willies. Each of the ladies had their own Willie, one on other side of me. Don't judge.
Just then, Blonde clapped her hands in glee.
"I got the bonus."
She had indeed gotten the Wonky Willy Hershey Highway bonus!
"Blonde, I can't bear to look at this. It's too... suggestive. I'm very modest," I explained. "I'll just turn away until its over."
|Genuine Cowgirl Dealer, or Stunt Cowgirl Dealer? And does it matter?|
|Wicked Witch Feature Bonus! I have no idea what it meant.|
I blew back the winnings and put another $20 in. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I won $80 this time! I was ahead on the session thanks to that green skinned bitch witch. The witches wand beat the hell out of being trapped in the Willy Hershey Highway
But I did get a couple of beers, and I was lined up for some sweet sign-up bonuses. We trundled off to the swipe 'n spin kiosks and the slot club to see what booty we could all score.
Blonde lucked out on the spin and won a chit for $25 in promo chips to play. The boothling at the slot club sent her off to the cage to retrieve them, while Kodi and I waited in line. I'd got a free ace coupon and a match play and a promo item, and also some $10 free play for earning xyz points as a 'new member'. I also swiped and spun and won a free drink at the bar. Whoop-de-doo.
If you can't figure out how to get a drink in Vegas, you should re-consider your travel plans.
My promo item was an absolutely huge, fairly ridiculous, completely impractical Slotzilla promotional drink container that could probably hold a 40 pounder of good Canadian rye. Or even bad Canadian rye, if there is such a thing. It came complete with a two and a half foot straw and a safety strap. If I even thought about taking it home, I'd have to fill it with dirty underwear just to fit it in my carry-on, and then I'd never want to use it again.
Now what was I going to do with this thing?
We caught up with Blonde in front of the cage.
"Hey, look what we brought you!" I said, holding up Drinkzilla, the Great Big Fucking Drinkholder.
"What the hell is that?"
"You won this great souvenir glass in a promo giveaway and took off before picking it up. We had quite a fight on our hands, but we managed to pick it up for you."
Next thing you know Kodi and I were getting Drinkzilla, the Great Big Fucking Drinkholder, arranged properly, with safety strap and insanely huge straw, and promo chips in hand, for some promo pictures. Poor Blonde never knew what hit her.
Blonde's conservative approach was to split her promo chips on different bets at roulette. She told me she just wanted to come away with something so I suggested Blonde put $10 on red, Kodi put $10 on black, and I would put $5 on a group of numbers. We'd have to chance the zeros.
We talked about it and approached the roulette layout. The dealer did nothing but give us the stink-eye. We asked about how to play the chips and she actually told us to go play somewhere else.
This is the second time in two tries I've had a rude dealer on promo play at Onions and it just re-inforced my decision to never play table games there again - unless I had an advantage. (Another time the blackjack dealer 'remembered' to burn a card only after seeing that it was a 10.)
It worked like a charm and Blonde was happy to get ten bucks out of it.
"Thanks for the money honey," I said to Stink-eye, "...don't worry, we won't bother your little table anymore. You can say goodbye right now."
Flusher don't take no stink-eye from Stink-eye.
Now it was my turn and I was very happy to win both the free Ace bet and the match play bet. In fact, I had to double down on the match play bet, so I ended up making $35. Take THAT Stink-eye Onions!
I needed to go do some errands which would NOT include any gambling whatsoever, so I bid farewell for the time being to my companions, and headed to Walgreen's for shaving gel and sunscreen. Because carry-on.
At the D, I got my $10 match play coupons and won both of them on blackjack, and I also played my monthly $5 freeplay. Hey, every little bit helps, right?
At the El Cortez, I lost $80 on dollar VP in the alcove there, and went to the bar and played some 50 cent Bonus Poker. I played for quite a while and I was so short of quads so far on the trip (having had but two) I took a gamble and switched to Boner Deluxe which eats credits but gives bigger wins. Three hands later I got my quad.
A win for Flushiepants! It even more than offset the $80 loss!