Two is the lowest card. Ace is the highest.

(With apologies to Petula Clark. Sung to the tune of either Downtown, or Mac Arthur Park, try both and let me know.)

When you're alone

And you are taking a beating,

You can always go... Pla-za!

When you are broke,

Full pay Video poker,

Just seems to help, I know... Pla-za!

Just listen to the losers of the traffic in the city,

Linger in the Plaza where the slot machines are pretty

How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there

You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go

Pla-za! things'll be mod when you're

Pla-za! dealing a quad when you're

Pla-za! gambling's waiting for yoooooo!

So, yeah. That was my plan. There's a bank of VP machines in the Plaza that have full pay Boner Deluxe on most of them. I planned to drill test holes, playing $20 on each machine, going down the line. If I hit, I'd cash the ticket, then I'd parlay a $20. If I doubled I'd parlay. I'd try to get to dollars and get a bunch of $400 quads. That was my plan.

I headed out the back way, down the dark dirty alleys behind Fremont, past the hustlers and the shimmyers and shakers, past the gob knoblers and the hepper stuffers, past the woozlers and fing tinglers, the grifters, the grippers, the snippers, the snappers, and the red tummy devil dust flappers. And I found myself at the Plaza.

Because that's where I was going.

The Plaza is 99% straighforward casino, and 1% whimsy.

Here's the whinney whimsy.

Don't ask me. I don't know.

Machine number 1 - dud.

Machine number 2.

Heh heh.

Cashed a ticket for 120 beans (or 'dollars') and put in a $20 bill. I parlayed that hot bitch up to 50 cents, pounding the buttons.

That hot bitch gave me nothing further, so I moved down to the next hot bitch.

Hot bitch machine number 3 - dud.

Machines number 4, 5 and 6 - duds.

Machine number 7 - dud.

Machine number 8 - dud, but I did have about 10 attempts from 3-of-a-kind. So what.

Machine number 9 - dud.

So, I'd played $200 and had $120.

I asked the Quad Queen for advice. She said, "Keep playing until you win." Safe, solid, secure, and risk-free. Why didn't I think of that?

I did get a $100 quad. See for yourself.

Here's another look at the quad.

So yeah, I played the $100 winnings on 50 cents and lost it all. The Plan wasn't quite bringing me riches.

It seemed like it was time to give up on the Pla-za! and play some free play at the Four Queens.

I started with $20, playing 50 cents and parlayed it up to dollars. Hit pay dirt. Give it to me, give it allll to me, you hot bitch - err, video poker machine.

So, now, this was a nice turn of events, taking money from the Four Queens.

I cashed $200, played a couple more machines, then took the money out of there.

It seems like I made a quick stop at the Nugget (maybe to top up my bankroll?) and hit something on a horrendous 7/5 DDB spinners game.

I cruised Fremont for a while, looking for stupid things to buy. I found some, but didn't buy them. Need gammmmbling money.

There was a stop at Fremont for some no-players-card pick'em and drinks.

Every time I play Pick'em at Fremont, I do a round or two of double up just to totally fucking aggravate myself.

At least it serves as a good reminder that two is the lowest card and Ace is the highest.

Things were not looking good on this day. Can you guess what I did next? I do what any super-spy gambler does - go to ground. Get keno tickets, take-out, and go to ground. In my room. Sobbing like a little girl whose sucker got stuck in the dryer lint trap.

Tacos. From the Cadillac Mexican Kitchen & Tequila Bar (formerly the Cadillac Mexican Eat-in Kitchen Open Concept Living/Dining Close to Schools Shopping & Tequila Bar, on the site of the former El D'Oro Golden Cadillac Mexican Kitchen Bar & Cadillac Tequila Bar and Tattoo Parlor el Grande du Fromage.)

This is how much I could win if I were lucky. I'm not.

I went back down to the casino once Keno was done and played some triple play. I couldn't quite get the timing right on when I should be on Double Double and when I should play it safer.

Anyway, this is what I got.

This let me play for a good hour or so.

I had a quick dinner in the bar at Grotto. The food was good but the waiter was bad. I found a piece of dried pasta in my appetizer (crunnnch) and they handled it like pros, though. The waiter apologized. The head waiter apologized. The manager stopped by and told me to suck it up. Actually, that's not true, the manager also apologized and took stuff off the bill.

One last bash at dollars left me with this.

What a day. I'd had all kinds of adventures, had minutes of fun, hours of doing gambling things, and lost a nice round figure of $1000.

One of those days that you ask yourself, why am I even doing this, and can I just go home now.

Don't sleep in the subway Don't stand in the pouring rain Don't miss a post of Flushiepants Click Like, you've everything to gain. Burma-Shave.