"Jimmy Poon," I said to my pal Jimmy Poon, the tech genius who pretty much runs all things Flusher on the internet, not to mention my bootleg B.U.D. (big ugly dish) 70s satellite setup that still picks up the odd late night 1970's big bush booby movie feed coming out of Miami.
"Jimmy Poon, why is it that a quarter of my onions are always wasted?"
We'd cooked up some grub, hot fresh omelettes loaded with green onions, mushrooms, peppers, embracing five or six slices of processed cheese as orange as Donald Prunt's spray on tan, and smothered with microwaved La Victoria hot enchilada sauce from a can.
Jimmy Poon grinned wide, so wide his ears appeared to grow into little points. "Heeeee heeeeheeeee heeeeee," he went, laughing his trademarked elfin laugh.
"Royal, don't you know that in every onion, there is always a root. A strong, fleshy, crunch, juicy root."
Jimmy Poon looked at me.
"Gosh, Jimmy Poon," I said.
Jimmy Poon took a big bite of omelette, oozing crayola cheese. He plunged the mouthful in, just before the goop hit anything launderable.
"Every onion has this root and two or three wonderful green, firm stalks, full of flavor. So fresh you only have to waste the top quarter inch or so."
"Gosh, Jimmy Poon," I said again.
"And so, every onion has one worn out stalk, hanging down on one side that looks like a bridegrooms dick the morning after the wedding night - limp, lifeless, and useless. Heeeeee heeee!!!!!" Jimmy Poon's eyebrows reached for the sky in pointed delight as he giggled.
"It's true, Jimmy Poon. About the onion. That's my point, there's always this useless hanging part of the onion that looks like an onion, smells like an onion, but isn't of any use. Is this a Walmart conspiracy to make us pay more for the onions?"
"Royal. Get a grip. It's part of the wing and wang of the onion. You can't have a good part of the onion without the limp part. You pull down the limp part of the onion, it strips away the dirt and grime on the root. But if it weren't there, one of the better parts of the onion would be limp and dirty in its place."
"Jimmy Poon," I said, "you are a fuckin' onion genius."
We got talking about the up-coming Scrounge trip and I told him the good news. An offer from the Nugget had come in that I could use on the trip. Even better, said offer includes free play! (And the Quad Queen has free play too that will somehow get magically played...)
And I told him about the Plaza and how I didn't like them not disclosing the resort fees.
The question was, should I book the Nugget, low play them, and lose future offers, or should I stick with the still pretty inexpensive Plaza. It really wasn't much of a question but it bore scrutiny.
"Nugget. Plaza," said Jimmy Poon, measuring his hands up and down like a weigh scale. "Nugget. Plaza.... the onion."
"Oh my God Jimmy Poon! Are you intimating that metaphorically, and possibly financially speaking, the Nugget is the 3/4 of the onion with the firm root and frisky stalks, and the Plaza is the limp, dirty, dick part of the onion?"
"Royal, there is hope for you yet. Peel away the limp, dirty, dick."
He was right, of course. Later that night, I got on the blower and yammered my deets at the smooth-sounding Golden Nugget Sheila. I qualified for a Rush Tower room. (I could also have Carson Tower, or Gold Tower if I wanted, but fuck that noise!) Even better - with a comped room, NO RESORT FEE. I also get two tickets to Gordie Brown. I'm not sure if I should add a value for these. I may or may not go. I may go twice. I may sell the tickets in an alley for $10 and a half can of Krylon.
I booked that mother faster than a cop writing a March 31 quota-meeting speeding ticket.
|Thank you Golden Nugget for this picture of who (including Sheilas) might be in my Cabana. Should I rent one. I might!|
But I also sweetly told them I'd happily do them a favor and keep the fourth night.
I have a pal stumbling in to (down)town that night and together we are going to viciously button-fuck the Four Queens, in a most visceral manner, and with extreme savvy prejudice, out of all of their cash, gold, silver, and
And is that weren't enough good news... I got an email a couple of days later inviting me to a tournament at the Golden Nugget - and it coincides with my stay! Do you realize what it would mean to this Scrounge trip if I could pull off a tournament win of significant free play or cash prize proportions? I spun the crank on the Flusher kitchen wall phone, sweet-talked the phone Sheilas at the Nugget, and got the tournament tacked on to my stay. Absolutely Wizard!
Additionally, in the bankroll stretching department, I've had a few great suggestions from readers and top of the list is to get a membership in the Las Vegas Advisor. I did this once years ago but didn't put much stock in it lately. Maybe because I wasn't as savvy then... With a car, I can really make the coupon book that you get with the membership pay off.
The membership with Member Rewards Book including shipping to Canada costs $42 US. Realistically, with a car, I can take advantage of $175 worth of free play and match play coupons. I value the match plays at 50% of their face value. I'll pick some even money bet and stick with it for the whole trip, for example, red on roulette. If I do that, I'll win slightly less than 50% of the time (fuck you 0, and 00). Or maybe pass line at the craps table, or maybe blackjack. We'll see.
The upshot is, my bankroll has taken quite a boost, for very little cash outlay.
(Did I mention I finished 2nd in my hockey pool? That $60 CAD is going to Vegas as a win!)
(Did I mention I have some old Silver Strikes I'm going to cash in at the Four Queens? Not the .999 silver ones. Dai Lun if you are reading, I have a blue cap and a red cap and a couple of .999s I'd sell for a very attractive degenerate cheap bastard scroungy price.)
(Did I mention I probably will get some Four Queens and Binions free play? Because I did for April and May.)
Here are the bankroll scrounges I've got to date.
|Bankroll Scrounges||Notes||US Hard Cost||US Bankroll Added|
|Hockey Pool||Hockey Pool Winnings||$0||$47|
|Mandalay Bay Freeplay||$0||$75|
|Four Queens Freeplay||$0||$60|
|Golden Nugget Freeplay||ESTIMATED||$0||$150|
|D match play||$10 match play||$0||$5|
|Las Vegas Advisor||Match plays and free slot play add up to about $175||$42||$175|
|Silver Strikes||Four Queens Silver Strikes||$0||$30|
That brings my total available bankroll to $1,647 US for an outlay of $1042 US.