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Saturday, June 18, 2016

Fifty Shades of Air Canada

Day 1 - part 2

Solemn of face and serious of countenance, I performed the  Air Canada Rouge Trans-Continental Aircraft Boarding Ritual.

Like all of the other Pledges, I kept my eyes low, talked to no one, made no sound or trouble, but stood steadfast in the holding pen, awaiting the calling of my zone, which had been assigned by the Gate Masters.

More than once I have felt the sting of the Hand of the Air Canada Gate Master's leather whip - I have no need or desire to feel it again.

Suppressing the desire to moo like a cow heading to the abottoir, I payed tribute to the Grand Flight Poobah and her Under Flight Poobahs upon boarding. I did not even risk glancing at the door behind which, it is said, the Trans-Continental Aircraft Wizards are said to sit in thrones, and control the operation of the vessel.

My seat was in row 13, a window seat, one seat away from the aisle. Thankfully, there was storage available for my chattles, and I obediently occupied my seat, fastened my Obedience Restraint, and waited patiently for the next phase of the Boarding Ritual. The Under Flight Poobahs said the Boarding Ritual Incantations (in two languages) and I feigned attention, knowing full well how to operate the Obedience Restraint, and how to find an emergency exit for when the plane skidded off the runway into a turnip field and burst into flames.

It appeared that my good behavior was to be rewarded - not only was I allowed to keep my portion of emergency nuts with me, it looked like the seat next to me would be unoccupied for the journey! Apparently, I had found favor with the Trans-Continental Aircraft Wizards, and they had granted my unworthy but pious soul this great gift - the gift of legroom.

We left about 30 minutes late, as usual. But the flight was pleasant enough. I watched some shows (Mayday) and a movie (Dirty Grandpa). How's the 'acting' going Mr. De Niro? I thought this movie was insipid and boring. It had some rude stuff which was ok I guess, but De Niro is sleep walking through these crappy comedies these days. It's unbecoming, in my humble opinion. This is the guy from Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Casino, Raging Bull, The Deer Hunter.

Now he's the Beer Hunter. And a silly Focker if you ask me.

I took a sip of the water I'd bought - I was halfway through small talk with the cashier when I looked up and exclaimed, "PRINCE'S ARMPIT!"

She turned and looked and nodded.

"Sorry, I just looked up and there was this big sweaty Prince's armpit staring me in the face. I don't know why I had to see that."

"You know what sells, in those magazines?" she asked me. "Death. Death and marriage problems. That's what sells the most magazines."

"And deadly armpits," I added with flair and savvy.

Add caption
 Other great airport sights:
In my house, I am going to a wall of Vodka. 
No. Don't drink the unknown ritual toilet oil. Just... no.
For Christmas, I want a Harlan tractor to rip around in.

Poor Man's first class. Wolfman Jack sitting one row back.
If the plane hits a mountain, and you lose your feet, glide Gumby-style to the exit. You'll get squirted in the eye. Leave calculator and draft beer behind.
Ring for a Blow Job.
This aircraft only crushes the grey clouds.
So, yeah, the flight was all right. We got into Vegas about 10:30 local time (1:30 on my clock). I hit the liquor library and bought a bottle of vodka for $22. Not bad!
Behold!!!! Vegas!
I'd used Lyftber in my previous trip with mixed success - now it was time to try it from the airport for the first time.

I googled to find where the pickup point was and, well, I don't know if it was the bad instructions, or the late hour, whether there is lack of signage or I just didn't see them all - but I ended up dragging my luggage up and down a couple of aisles of cars in the car park.

By this point I'm hot (because Vegas is scorching even at this hour), I'm tired, I'm dry as a bone and I can't find the fucking pickup point.

Here's what the McCarran site says:

From Baggage Claim, take the elevator near door #2 up to level 2. Cross the pedestrian bridge on level 2 to the Terminal 1 Parking Garage. The Ride Share pick up is located on level 2M of the parking garage.

I took the elevator to level 2.

I crossed the peedstrian bridge.

I walked a little bit, and then I saw an aisle marked "2M". And that's where I went.

But I didn't want aisle 2M. I wanted level 2M. I didn't see any signs telling me to go up a floor using the elevators right inside the garage - but that's what I had to do, after I'd put about 5,000 fucking steps on the FatBit that Jimmy Poon gave me. (The FatBit is a knock-off of the well known fitness tracker, FitBit. I think Jimmy Poon paid $5 for it.)

So be warned, the instructions to find the pick-up point suck. I think they are missing a step to go up a level, either that or I don't know what I'm doing. Your choice.

I called my Lyftber and before too long I was safely at Luxor, where the adventure was to begin! I had an offer for $75 freeplay, $100 resort credit, and a Tower Deluxe room. The Tower Deluxe rooms are quite nice indeed.

And that's all great, except they didn't actually HAVE a Tower Deluxe room for me. I kept my cool and was nice and understanding to the Lobby Sheila (who was in actual fact, a Lobby Kevin).

He explained that he could give me a pyramid room for tonight, and tomorrow I should come to the desk and get moved to a Tower room. And then he said something a bit odd.

"Your stay here is comped, so there are no charges, just come back tomorrow and get re-assigned."

"So my room is comped and - "

"Yes, your stay is totally free. Totally."

"- and the resort fee?"

"Your stay this time is free and make sure to come by tomorrow morning."

I got it. I thanked him, gave him a card, and headed to the Room of Horror. OK, in a nutshell - room itself, not that bad. Serviceable. 5th floor. No atrium view - just a wall. And situated conveniently atop the 70 billion watt LAX nightclub sound system woofers. Thank God I travel with lots of foam earplugs.

Originally, I'd thought I wouldn't play the first night - it was really late on my clock. But I wanted a beer, and I'd worked soooo hard to get here. I was hungry too. I went up to the food court (Pyramid Cafe is only open till 2:00pm - what??!)

It was midnight Vegas time - I'd missed the Original Chicken Tenders (closing) and had to settle for an $8 slice of pizza. It hit the spot, but $8?? I WAS ON A BUDGET, DAMMIT!!!!

After wolfing down the slice, which tasted good, I hit the bar, played a $20 in some godawful paytabled game and ordered an ice cold lucky Heineken.

I played a while and drank my beer. Lasted half an hour or so.

For some reason, I thought I'd do better plunking along one quarter at a time on Keno. And I had my first big hit of the trip - 70 quarters!

It's too bad I didn't hit 6 out of 6, but it's really hard to do that, and it is not unusual that I didn't. But I wish I had.

And with that, I hit the hay at about 4:30am my time.

Day: -$30
Trip: -$30
Bankroll Left: $970

The $1K Scrounge Trip - June 2016: All Posts

Planning the $1K Scrounge Trip - June 2016

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    1. RF,

      Loving the report but you can carry this frugal stuff too far. Hopefully we won't read about you trying to sell bottled water along one of the strip pedestrian bridges to supplement your budget.

    2. I bet the directions to the Ride Share pick-up point was written by Yellow Cab.


    3. Your captions under the airplane pictures made me laugh so hard, I just about peed my pants. I HAVE to meet you one of these days!


    4. Can't believe I was on the same flight, I was beside the woman with the yasser arafat scarf. If I would of known it was you, I would of leaned forward, caught your eye and nodded knowingly, then went back to my FREE PBS documentary on the Pilgrims! Thank You Air Canada Rouge in-flight entertainment!!

      1. That's you, in the picture behind the scarf woman?! Wow, that's crazy.

      2. I have another photo with you in it. I didn't use it because parts of me weren't in it. :)

    5. Thanks for keeping me anonymous. Always enjoy your reports, now that I know what you look like I will keep my eye open for you.

      1. I think you know my second cousin, Dougie Clark? Small woyld ain't it.


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