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Sunday, June 26, 2016

Matthew the Turbo Talking Waiter

Day 3 - Part 3

With a little touch of the right foot, the Royal Flusher Rental Poon Stang practically stood up on its hind legs and neighed. With a solid push, the Poon Stang was a thoroughbred, roaring, smoking, drawing wide-eyed stares from all that could see it and some that couldn't, wondering who the Rude Boy behind the wheel was. Who does he think he are? And where did he get that car?

And as if that weren't enough, once I put the car into drive and pulled out of my Avis parking spot, I reached a whole new level of Poon Stangyness.

We motored out of the McCarran rental car mall, out the back way, away from the strip, turned right, and turned right again, just like every tourist in temporary wheels. Up the strip, a deft right turn onto Reno, around the curve, avoiding the Strip/Tropicana intersection, and down Koval. I was practically a pro, looking great jammed in the traffic. It was so much better to be jammed in the traffic in my Poon Stang than it would have been in an Intermediate Chevy Crater or Similar.

I found the parking garage at Harrah's and swung into a spot. "This car must have hyper-kinetic mad parking skillz!", I thought, because without my even being aware of it, we'd wheeled into a 'Poon Stang Only' parking spot, marked by the blaze of the Poon Stang Logo.

Poon Stang Parking Only!
Somehow, between Avis and Harrah's, the car and I... had become one. One what, I didn't yet know, but you can bet it was something great.

It only took a few texts, and a full exploration of Harrah's on my own, trying to locate the Diamond Lounge, but without too much foofarah, I located Funkhouser, who has been a supporter of Las Vegas the Royal Flusher Way for many years now.

We shook hands and I slipped him an official Royal Flusher 2.0 Business Card - he was the very first person ever to receive one in person from R.F. hisself. After observing the Diamond Lounge Feeding Frenzy Lineup for just a few minutes, we were let into the inner circle, the coveted enclave itself. I distinctly heard the 'snap' of ziploc bags being shook open, in anticipation of the 'Nibblies-that-could-be-dinner' hot food that they put out at 7:00pm sharp. We, of course, would have none of that nonesense, and went straight to the bar for a different kind of nonesense.

How I wish I'd brought a ziploc bag.

Funkhouser and I got talking, getting to know one another. He introduced me to the most important guy in Harrah's - Robert, the Diamond Lounge Bartender.

"Flusher has a blog, here, look at his card," he said, pushing my business card to the barkeep.

Robert took a look and then got busy pouring us some drinks - a Maker's Mark on the rocks for me. Judging by the blather that came out of my mouth later, a very generous pour.

I gave Funk another card and we swapped stories about gambling, work, the Vegas internet world, you name it. At one point, a very attractive woman just to my right, and around the corner on the bar, asked me to watch her stuff. This provided the opportunity for me to say stupid things when she returned, and the three of us got talking.

It turns out that she was a stewardess.

"For Southwest?," asked Funk.

"Nope," she said. "A Canadian airline.

Funk and I almost fell off our stools.

"Uh oh...", he said.

"This Canadian airline... is it... based in the east? Or in the west."


"YES!!!" It was WestJet, not Air FU Canada.

We had a blast getting to know this lovely woman. At one point Funk gave her my business card. She took down my email address.

I gave Funk another card.

"These cost a nickel apiece," I said, "quit giving them away!"

We had some more drinks and when it was time for our dinner reservation at Chris's Ruth Chris Ruthless Chris Steakhouse we headed off to find the magic elevator that would take us there. I actually didn't need one, I was flying high on Maker's.

The Reception Sheila greeted us and asked if it was a special occasion.

"An anniversary."

"Oh, she said. Whose?"

"Ours," I said.

"Congratulations!" she said.

"I've been married 27 years, he's been married 49 years."

"You're an ass," she thought, but did not say.

"To the same person, I might add" I added to completely befuddle everyone.

I had known Funkhouser for all of 90 minutes and had behaved like a complete fool already. He was cool about it though, and didn't follow through on his threat of separate tables.

I can only say that Robert does make a very generous pour of Maker's. I resolved to stay out of trouble and be a good guest. But that all went out the window as soon as our waiter introduced himself - Matthew, the Turbo Talking Waiter.

"Ourspecialsofthedayareadeepdishribeyeincrustedbriewithgardensnailsandcockleshellsallinarow and Seafoodshallotcrabpotpiecreamthingcrustwithsidesofholyshitlemerdeandalightpom-aiddressinggoldilockscumquatsIamtheeggmanIamthewalrus."
These were taken 1/10000 of a second apart. Matthew is a hummingbird.
Funk and I looked at each other.


"Wine list! Wine list!" we shouted.

The thing about Matthew was, even though I never understood a word he said, he provided great service.

Matthew talked so fast (how fast did he talk, Flusher?) he talked so fast that I wasn't sure if he was taking our order or auctioning off a farm.

Ruth's Chris has a great location for people watching, once they raise the blinds from the blazing desert sun. We had a seat on the window.
My perfect steak. I ate it ALL!

Dinner was fantastic. I opted for a rib eye, and Funk had some sort of Chicken Supreme with Two Legs dish. I am not sure how tasty his was, but mine was perfect. And hot! I've never had a steak served so hot. What a treat!
Salad a la Matthew

That's gonna be one sore chicken, come morning.
Creme brulee for dessert, of course.
We had a glass of wine each, and creme brulee for dessert (how could one not) and brought the bill in about a buck and a half under Funk's comp limit.

What a gentleman he was, he wouldn't even let me chip in for the tip (probably knowing that it would take up half of the next day's gambling stake - but still!).

After dinner, I suggested he show me how to play the Ultimate X video poker he'd been talking about, and so we headed down to the casino, found some machines, and he coached me to a $20 profit. I cashed it out and we just sat and talked for quite a while.

Altogether, it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Funk and I have a lot in common, as it turns out (and not just being degenerates, either). We had great food, great (huge debilitating) drinks, and great conversation.

Thank you Funkhouser, for such a fine meal, for your generosity, and company!
The secret to taking a good Vegas pic is to avoid reflections.
Ahh, that's better.
Once I stopped wobbling, I saddled up the Poon Stang, and pointed her for home - the El Rancho Luxor.

Tomorrow was a big change in scene and a chance to win - the Golden Nugget, and a slot tournament! Not to mention the arrival of my cousins Raoul and Gambletron!

Day: -$90
Trip: -$190
Bankroll Left: $810

The $1K Scrounge Trip - June 2016: All Posts

Planning the $1K Scrounge Trip - June 2016

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    1. Know Robert well. Try his Manhattan next time. His reputation is Vegas-wide, and he's also known, fondly, as Google.

    2. Know Robert well. Try his Manhattan next time. His reputation is Vegas-wide, and he's also known, fondly, as Google.

    3. Know Robert well. Try his Manhattan next time. His reputation is Vegas-wide, and he's also known, fondly, as Google.

    4. That Funkhouser sure is a swell guy, and he has good hygiene! Actually the pleasure was entirely mine! Not to mention CET picked up the entire tab of our dinner via the Total De-Generate club points. BTW I think I only understood 4 words from Turbo Ranger Steak House Mathew aka Ruth CrissCross Waiter.

    5. I don't know what the Google search is for Robert. If you've been to Harrah's DL, you know him well. Great guy.

    6. the rib eye steak. I go there when I get comped cuz I'm as degenerate as most of you.


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