Four to a Turkey

Ah Thanksgiving. In Canada. Just like American Thanksgiving, except the shopping.

We have it six weeks earlier, to give us time to get rid of that 'turkey belly' before Christmas. (It doesn't help.)

There's a little podunk casino less than an hour from Flusherville. I used to go there a lot when they had a 99.95% Pick'em game, but that's long gone. It used to be gummit run but now it's run by some company and renamed and stuff. But the same shitty VP games remain.

I end up there about twice a year and every time I go I swear I'll never go again. I've never hit anything in the place.

With the Big October Trip just around the corner, I thought, maybe I should go there. Then I thought, you have to be kidding. You have a big beautiful Vegas Vacation coming.

To go to the Podunk Casino to play some shitty short-pay video poker just because you have a Canadian Thanksgiving gambling jones would be totally degenerate.


So there I was, minding my own business..., when my 84 Tercel sputtered its way along the 401 and I found my self - as if by magic - at the Podunk.

OK, fine. It was a beautiful fall day. Gorgeous colors on the trees, like God had dropped his paintbrush and the Devil had knocked over the paint can. A sky so blue, bluer than a newlywed's balls at the reception, and there was truly not a cloud in it.

What better day to slink into some shitty fake casino that was so far from Vegas in every way that it was the cause of a major depressive episode to whoever walked into its maw.

So I went in there. I didn't bother updating my player's card. Here comes the new useless corporate-run slot club same as the old useless gummint-run slot club (with apologies to The Who).

First, I comped myself a coffee. It took me 30 minutes to get from the door to the self-serve beverage station 60 yards away, and back to the front again. There was a seemingly endless supply of barely mobile stone-age grannies and grandpas stopping without warning for no reason, or grand pere from beyond Brockville blocking the only walkway to watch grand mere lose her money 12 cents at a time on the latest Hot Dogs and Buns, or maybe it was a Mary Tyler Moore's Gigantic Teeth Vintage TV video slot (with the "I hate spunk" bonus round). Yeah Ed, we know you hated spunk. You and Mary both. Just ask Dick.

I found a shitty VP machine (Bally!) with a shitty VP paytable, not expecting much, but then again, one never knows.

I played $20 on Pick'em. Gone in 2 minutes.

I played a second $20 on Pick'em. (Very short pay, btw). Gone in 4 minutes.

I played a third $20 on Pick'em. I'm a masochist. (Gone in maybe 15 minutes.)

OK, change strategy. I put $20 in and played 6/5 Bonus Poker. Played about 10 minutes on it, played down to $6.25.

And then, I was dealt my old nemesis, which you might recall from various trip reports in which I have utterly failed at hitting a royal from four for some time now, including on 10-play. Four-to-a-Royal.

In Diamonds. Missing the King.

I've been there so many times that I didn't pause, didn't think, didn't hope, didn't pray, didn't wet my seat, didn't do anything but hold the four cards, check it, and hit the button. I already knew that I probably would just be disappointed so I didn't even really try. I didn't even move on it like a bitch.

King of Diamonds.

Well how about that?!

With one little card I'd:

• broken my one year Royal drought
• broken the ice with the first Royal of 2016
• lived up to my name in the only way possible
• gotten the monkey off my back with the four-to-a-royal draw
• broken the royal-less streak at the Podunk Casino - this was the first in like 15 years
• got a handpay for $1000, no paperwork, no hassles

I got my $1000 (nine $100 bills, four $20 bills, four $5 bills - sigh), tipped $10 out of my other money, and asked them to pull up the hand for a picture, since you couldn't see what I'd held. They were kind enough to do it, and here's the picture from the game history.

I have a superstition. I never tip from my gambling steak or winnings. I just don't. I pull a bill from admin and tip with that. There's something wrong about not having the entire amount of the handpay in my wallet.

What a great Thanksgiving! From a turkey, to a sub!

I don't know why I wrote that, but it doesn't matter. I GOT A FUCKING ROYAL FROM FOUR!!!

So this $1000 CAD is worth $755 US.

It's coming to Vegas with me in just a little while now, and I'm planning to do something wonderful, desperate, stupid, degenerate, and spectacular with it!!!

But... what????