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Thursday, October 20, 2016

I Need Coleslaw Things

Almost there. The week has pretty much flown by, between cranking out size 7 grommets at Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer, packing and preparing movies to watch on the plane, counting and re-counting money, and of course, shopping for Divana's big birthday party Friday night.

Here's a savvy travel tip from your Internet pal, Royal Flusher. When you pack ahead, as in many days ahead, take some sort of a container and a Zip Loc bag and put all your HABA in it.

Stuff you can't live without, such as mind-bending prescriptions, STD creams, and licorice allsorts go in the Zip Loc bag. This is what you'll take on the plane, and the stuff that you need to have with you if your luggage is lost, blown up, or gored by one of Hemingway's bulls.

In the container, (I found a plastic container with a lid, about ten inches by eight inches by three inches deep) put your non-survival HABA, the things that are optional in Vegas. For example, razors. Deodorant. Marriage license.

Having done that, you live out of your HABA packs for the days remaining until your trip. Doing this assures you that you have all the vital stuff you'll need when you actually hit the Strip.

I got my HABA packs made two days ago, and everything was going smoothly, except I was kind of sweating the party - until my pal Chef Ian Opolousopoulus stepped in.

We talked after I got home from Veeblefetzer last night.

"Don't worry, Royal, I can cook for 30 in an hour and a half. I can cook for 60 in two hours. I once butchered an entire cow and fed about 300 Shriners in an afternoon. And I didn't even do it with the Fez on."

"Oh no."

"Seriously, man, this is totally in my epic wheelhouse. You don't have a thing to worry about. You'll have to shake some pepper on things at the end and that's about it."

"That's great Chef Ian, because I've never made a pork before, never pulled a pork, and never skewered a chicken."

This was great! I headed out to do the shopping for the food for the party. I scored big at Costco, netting two skinny slices of pizza, three cocktail sausages, cheese on a cracker, another skinny slice of pizza, a perogie, and a tiny cup of some weird off-color fruit I've never fucking heard of, but is assuredly good - because it comes from a country I've never fucking heard of. I think it used to be Hispantinople about four military regimes ago, and now nobody recognizes it. Liramhago or something.

Having spouted all that redneck stuff, I bigged up and tried the never-heard-of-before exotic delicacy dirt alley fruit.

It tasted a lot like chicken.

It's Thursday night. It's time to prepare the pork. I Facebooked Chef Ian - I wanted to check on the rub for the pork. And I planned to 'oven' it tomorrow, to get a nice long slow roast on it. Least I could do was throw some garlic salt on there and toss it in the oven before he does all the work tomorrow, right?

It did not go well.


Chef Ian is down for the count with the flu.

Oh my Gawd.

I called Divana.

"Divana, bad fucking news. Chef Ian has gout or flu or consumption or something. HE. CAN'T. COOK. And neither can I!!!!"

I heard the rustling of feathers.

"Royal, it's my birthday. I know about these little setbacks. I have a doctorate, you know."

"What am I going to do???!!!!! I can't make all this food for all these guests. I have to work a full day tomorrow!"

"Well, my advice is to start tonight."


"Royal, you won't forget a present for me, will you."

She hung up.

I looked up a few hundred pork rub recipes, and settled on my tried and true favorite.

Flusher's Secret Pork Spice Rub

I shouted all my favorite curse words in one long scream of cooking and stress agony. What the hell was I going to do???

There were some ingredients I needed to pick up - like "Coleslaw Things". You know, the things that make up coleslaw, of which I knew naught. I headed to the grocery store and got some really good ideas.

Plan B. I could make this work. I could deliver once-tasty party food with the help of the heat lamps at the Flusherville Solo grocery store.

I was sure Divana would not notice the difference between succulent home-made pulled pork and chicken breast skewers with four sauces and umm Rustic Chicken a la Plastique and a Hearty Comfort-coni and Cheese - would she???


    1. LMAO I almost sent you my EASY pulled pork in the crock pot a favorite with all, now I see I definitely should have. Thanks for the yucks.

    2. I tooted my recipe's horn a few blogs ago.

      Once his Poonbot approved my message, I am sure it was never again considered.

      1. It was a great recipe, but I gave away my crockpot a year ago. Now I wish I hadn't.

    3. I like to use the pork "carnitas" that comes in several large pieces. I dredge them in seasoned flour and the brown in an cast iron skillet with some olive oil.(we all want to be Mediterranean healthy) Once brown I place the pieces in the crock pot (Pan for you). I then add a little chicken stock for moisture and then comes the good stuff. garlic, fresh jalapenos, onions, bell pepper, chili peppers, and salt and pepper to taste. You can even add some small red potatoes or rice. Cook for about 8 hours on LOW and you will have deliciousness! You can even drain the juice (a cardinal sin!) and replace with BBQ sauce if you like. BTW, Doesn't the Quad Queen cook? She can't help you in your time of need?


    Leave a message for Royal Flusher!