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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Davy Fecking Joneses Fecking Locker of Video Poker

Day 5 - Wed Oct 26 - part 1

I think it's time to review the HalloWynn bingo cards, don't you? Let's start with mine. Because it's my blog.

Some of these I knocked off on the first full day, like Hangover. The over under (!) on hugging a cocktail waitress was pretty top-heavy, but I managed it, and got an email address too. That's a flight attendant, and a CW so far this year.

Neither have contacted me.

Embarrass Self probably should have been in the middle square. And Country Throw-up Gravy was a lock.

Let's look at the Quad Queen's.

The Quad Queen had some fairly difficult video poker bingo squares, but she had already managed 50 scratch cards, Aces kicker, a multiplay dealt quad and.... the ever elusive Royal Flush. I clearly had my work cut out for me.

I still get excited when I'm the first one awake, and I quietly dress, grab a few of QQs hundies, and sneak out of the room like a cat burglar and down to the casino. It feels just like Christmas morning as a kid. Observation. Who would steal cats anyway, they are really inexpensive.

I cashed in our keno tickets and with the remainder, bought more keno tickets, but for way fewer games than before. Kind of like a wager saver that you know is always going to end the same way.

The Market Street kitchen (which makes food) was closed. But the breakfast buffet (which is... food-like) was available. I opted for that and made the best of it, which wasn't much.

Don't worry, I also had a few squares from the bootcamp slab of scrambled egg, hash browns, and some portuguese sausage.

The Quad Queen texted - she was awake and ready to rock, so we got busy at the Cal.

The World Series was on and I thought it was pretty cool that the Chicago Cubs had a chance to break their multi-century drought. For one thing, it would give me hopes for the Maple Leafs in 2077. I didn't really have a cheering iron in the baseball fire, not being a huge fan, but from the historical, legendary point of view, I really wanted to see the Cubs take it.

I was wondering if I should put some money on them. But that might jinx the Cubs.

We walked over the bridge to Main Street and got cracking at paying for the room and all that Gold Card Country Vat O' Throw-up Gravy.
It sure looked like a nice lucky day was dawning.
Here are some 3D digital representations of some of the winning video poker hands we managed to accumulate.
Put on your psycho-trippy Jimmy Poon 3D glasses!
 This was a very nice way to start. Got the kicker, but it's Bonus Poker. May the 3D heads explode.

My carefully written, detailed notes specify that I 'blew through this, and 500 more. And scratchcard $$'.

Surely that can't be true? Oh yes it can. And don't call me Shitforbrains Shirley.

There were other quads, but nothing worth photographing in Jimmy Poon 3D. We did our $10K coin-in, pretty much, but the Quad Queen fared no better than I. She was down $600 before mounting a 'comeback' to being down $340. I was down $500.

As they say, that's gambling. And, as they say, Holy shit, this is stupid!

Yes, we'd pretty much got our asses turned inside out and handed to us to wear as Napolean tri-corn hats.

We moped our way back to the Cal. Just when someone hits a Royal for $1000, the next day, you're down a combined $1100. It's like it never happened.

I wanted to try a parlay session on our old friends, Flashy and Pinchy, in the alcoves. Things have been rejigged there with the casino reno, and I'm not exactly sure which machines Flashy and Pinchy are anymore. They certainly aren't exhibiting their identifying traits, that is, of Flashing the candle atop the machine, and of Pinching the CRT image.
Nice view of the Holo Holo bar from Pinchy. And the craps table.
People love live updates, so I thought, well, I'll post live updates of a Strict Rules of Parlay attempt, using my phone to blog with.

What did I have on hand to start with? $13.75 in the machine. Quarter Jacks or Better. I went for it. And, I got a quad and was able to parlay to 50 cents. Four Pointies. Heads. Exploding. For Not Playing Double Double Bonus.
 At the 50 cent level, I soared high to $42.50 - enough to parlay to dollars!
 At the Dollar level, using the degenerate Queensbury variation of the Strict Rules of Parlay, I soared high into the carpet, face first.
Flushiepants is anything if determined. He is steadfast. He is stoic. He has pluck. He has verve. He has the makings of a degenerate gambling problem. He is staunch. He has crabs a real lot of tenacity.

I tried again, going deep, deep into my day's stake. Deeeeeeeeep I tells ya. Bonus poker this time. Because Aces.

Holy shit la merde, it ended like this!!!!
If pluck means one is ready to degenerately pluck more money out of one's thinning gambling wallet, then pluck is that which I have got.

I tried again, going third-ring-of-burning-hellfire-around-my-asshole deep into my limp lifeless gambling wallet.

Thank goodness Maria was always on hand with a song, and a cold drink for me to sip, or to pour down my pants, as occasion required.

First thing that happened was, smart ass Quad Queen, got four twos. On dollars. On Jacks. With Kicker. With Exploding Heads for Not Playing Double Double Fucking Bonus. Hey, $125 is $125.

OK, nevermind her, what happened next?


Four 4s on Bonus Poker. With kicker. Brains strewn willy nilly throughout the alcove for not playing Double Double Shitheel Assgrinder Dickbreath Fucking Bonus.

I took a deeeeeeeep Flushy McFlushface gambling breath. And parlayed.

I crashed it.

Was I at all disappointed with failing three times to parlay and ending up broke, naked, and wet in one of the California Casino and Hotel's alcoves?

Not at all. As I always say, climb every mountain.

I took a very, very, very deep Flushy McFlushface soon-to-be-patented 10,000 Leagues Under My Pants Gambling Breath. And put in another twenty.
Hassan...... CHOP!

Nailed me four twosies, I did. Now I had a shot, a real shot, at on-screen riches!

I took a very, very, very, very, very deep Flushy McFlushface Helium Sucking Lollipop Guild Subcutaneous Craptanic 10 Billion Leagues Under The Ocean Fucking Floor With One Foot and One Arm in Davy Fucking Jones (not the Monkee one, the scary watery grave one) Asshole Locker Gambling Fucking... SAY IT....       BREATH!!!!!! 

And parlayed to dollars.

I played for a while, kept my credits pretty steady. Then they started to drop, but I'm the one that dropped - the hammer! - on four sixes.

These things do feel good, you know.

And for good measure...

Now I had a real chance. I could really use a dollar royal this year. I played along, racking up the points (yay, great...) but things turned south. I didn't reach my $600 goal, but discretion in this case was the better part of going broke valor, and I cashed $180, for a $100 profit.

A win is a win.

Tons more to come!

    1 comment:

    1. I see that in Bingo, the Quad Queen goes for quality, not quantity, just like she does in marriage....


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