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Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Spit it out, El Flusher

Day 13 - Thurs Nov 3 - part 1

Our last full day at T.I., and we would be going toe-to-toe, mano-a-mano, vidi-o-poker with the aptly named Killer Fifty Cent Machines of Death.

Oh I've had such adventures on those six machines outside the High Limit room. I've had ups. And I've had downs. And more downs. And even more downs.

Last trip, I managed quite well on dollar Jacks to get my needed play in without spending much money. But other trips they've been disastrous.

I do believe these machines are on the up and up. But I also believe they are more volatile than others I've played.

Back in the day, the RNG was set up to give you a smooth ride, but meet the overall long-term hold. With these newer ones, the results are closer to true random, and you'd better use some stick'um on your ass if you want to stay in the saddle of the bucking bronco machines. They are all over the map.

Well, let's see what the day would bring. It certainly looked like a nice enough day, judging by my view out the window.

I headed down to Starbuckers to get my caffeine jolt, and what did I find?

Conventioners, lined up out the door.

I decided to stick with it. I needed my java jones slayed. Like Rudy Toombs, I had a knocking in my knees and a wobble in my walk. In fact, I was trembling, and I was shaking. Damn coffee! I needed some bad. I felt like I'd been run through the mill, and I couldn't move around and I couldn't stand still. I was so jittery!And I was shaking!

The only solace was mentally doing an internal mock-job on the mook in front of me in line. What an amateur.
That shirt is right outta the package, isn't it you ding dong.
You know, I wasn't in the best of moods. No sir, not at all.

About 20 minutes into the hot cup cattle call, I finally had my prize, a tall latte with an extra shot. Flushie written on the side. Lid on tight. You never knew what might happen out there.

So then I'm walking down the hallway from Starbucks back into the T.I. casino. Along the way is this absolutely carny disgusting cheating lying filthy tourist trap big store set-up purportedly giving away a half a million dollar car. But in reality, they only want your name and deets and then comes the hard sell of a next-to-useless timeshare.

They got the picture pretty early on that I knew what they were up to and it would be live and let live. Just let me be and don't bug me as I make like Dionne Warwick.

About 25 yards out, I'm high-tailin' it down the three foot wide strip of hard floor that runs down the hallway about six feet out from the store fronts, in a sea of hallway carpet. Two of the timeshare flies are circling around the financial lion's den.

I'm straight-lining it, and this little skeezy looking double momo is doing his little slow-circling lurking steps. I look at him and he looks at me. He knows I know what he knows.

And for some stupid reason, he decides it's on. He's decided that he is going to get into my head, when obviously, I'm givin' 'er like a man with an ass full of cheap mexican food from last night, desperately trying to make it to the nearest john.

He starts walking straight toward me. Right on the path that I'm smoking along on like a 4-6-4 steam loco.

I get closer. He's looking at me. I'm almost on top of him. He knows this is my space. He's got allll day long to wander around in front of his stupid little bullshit-artist den in little insipid circles, looking for prey. He knows I'm untouchable, that he will never, ever get inside my head.

I'm comin' like a freight train, all business, and none of it his.

He turns and starts walking straight at me.

We get to that moment where he is expecting me to follow the rules of some social protocol and deke out of his way a bit, and maybe he'll deke out of mine as well.

He doesn't budge and stares me down and I decide, in that split second, to go all McFly on his short greasy lying stealing shmarmy Biff ass.

The coffee goes into the right hand, and I line that motherfucker up like a bowling pin.

I don't flinch.

BAM!!!! Left shoulder into the little shit's chest, bouncing him about five feet.

You gonna get in my way on a bad day when you know we have no business to transact, maybe you are gonna pay the price.

Am I a mean, nasty person?

Maybe sometimes I am. Just try selling when I'm not buying and find out.

After consuming some coffee, I felt a lot better. I thought about what I'd done and that it wasn't very nice.

Then I forgot all about it until now.

Time to get on with my day. We were maybe $6000 coin in short of where I wanted to be.

I lost $400 in 40 minutes on those goddamned machines.

I ran up to the room like a little girl.

There are some things about T.I. that I haven't related yet.

Thing 1: a lot of the machines listed in VPfree are no longer around.

Thing 2: a lot of the machines I enjoyed playing have been removed. No quarter Super Times Pay, or Double Super Times Pay. What the hell?

Thing 3: The Flintstones penny slots are gone.

Thing 4: I was getting very close to being pissed at my host.

I don't expect the world. Far from it.

I've taken care of my host at T.I. every single time.

Now, I asked for help on two occasions. When I needed a room for Piffles and Ronco ("Roni."), by the time I did get an answer it was too late. I'd managed ok by myself. Host didn't bother to ask how it had worked out.

The next night, I'd texted my host and asked if she could possibly help out with tickets to Mystere. My cousin wanted to see it. Could anything be done?

Again, I don't expect the world. But, it was a Sunday night. Not a prime show-going night. And I was asking for a soft comp, the cost to T.I. would basically be nil if there were lots of empty seats. We'd just occupy a few of them.

You don't get if you don't ask, so I asked for 4 comp tickets. I thought she might come back and say she could comp 1 or 2 based on my play, and maybe get us a deal on 2 more, or maybe just get us a decent price or something. Anything that could be done would be better than me hitting the box office.

The answer that came back was "They should ask at the box office. Maybe they can get a deal based on their play."

And maybe I should stop tipping my host.

So, we'd dumped about $1600 at T.I., and the buffet sucks, and I'm pissed at my host.

The Quad Queen and I talked things over. Was this relationship going the way we wanted?

We called it.

No more play for T.I. Fuck 'em. We'd find someplace better to lose our money.

"Do you feel bad about flattening a guy, smaller than you, doing his job, who was trying to sell you a timeshare?" asked the Quad Queen.

"QQ, there was something about it that I didn’t like," I answered, adjusting my keffiyeh.

"Well...that’s to be expected," said the Quad Queen.

"No, something else..." I said as I applied a little more mascara around my piercing blue eyes, and thinking, damn I look good in white.

"Well, then let it be a lesson."

"No…there's something else...."

"What then? Spit it out, El Flusher."

I paused.

"I enjoyed it."

We would soon move on to another exciting money-driven gambling adventure.

But first... LUNCH!!!!

So, this is one of those posts where old Flushiepants is not all sweetness and light.

Believe me when I tell you that the little momo was asking for it, challenging me not to get out of his way. Nobody got shouldered that didn't have it coming.

I am positive that bending his fenders had nothing to do with my immediate loss of 400 karma dollars.

Look, I can't always be Pollyanna, so go easy on me. Hey, you try writing a positive blog post with a bruised shoulder, a useless host, an eyeful of mascara, and a mouthful of crushed red pepper!

The next one will be real smart, I promise you that!!!

Lots, lots, lots more to come!!!!

(How long was this fucking trip, anyway???!!!)


    1. One good Dollar Royal and you are back in the game Flusher. I know how you feel when those time share hawks dart out in your path.


    2. Flusher on the RAMPAGE!!!!

    3. RF'er, you wrote above that "a lot of the machines listed in VPfree are no longer around". I was just there and found everything listed OK. It looks like that there have been three different updates at three different times in the last month, so thanks to everyone who sent in those updates. It helps a lot of us.

      1. You're welcome. :) I sent in a big list of updates recently for the various machines that are missing. :)


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