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Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Gauntlet of the Killer Fifty Cent Machines of Death Redux

Day 3 - Thu May 18, 2017 - continued

With my 3 night comp room offer came $200 freeplay, so I got settled in my room, which amounted to throwing my luggage on the bed, taking a whiz, stashing stuff in the safe, and grabbing some bankroll hundies for the day, and then set about seeing how much of that freeplay I could turn into cash.

Of course, this meant running the gauntlet of the Killer Fifty Cent Machines of Death, which have absolutely destroyed me in the past. They seem to be more volatile and, yes, I've had some wins there, but generally they don't seem to like me. But the paytables! And the math! So, like an analytical fool, I picked the end machine on the left, my back to the high limit room, the better to people watch.

In this case, people watch = be able to more easily flag down the cocktail waitress.

I put $20 in the machine, slipped my card in, and pressed the little worn out buttons on the card reader. The $200 free play was there, and I loaded it up.

This was a really good chance to bolster my meager machines bankroll, of which I'd already blown a third.

I played 50 cent 9/6 Jacks. Every time you finish a hand for $2.50, the machine adds $2.50 from the free play, win or lose. About ten minutes went by, and it was going okay, I guess, I was about breaking even on the play. I hit a nice little set of fives for $62.50. Big smile from me, quick pic on my piPhone 3.14 and back at it again.

I played on and didn't hit any more quads (or a Royal for that matter) but one thing that kept me in it was five fulls house. Three fulls house on 9/6 Jacks is worth a quad - they really make a difference.

When it was over, I cashed a ticket for $305 - minus my $20 buy-in, that means I turned my $200 free play into $285 of cold, hard, gambling cash.

And the best thing to do with a mitt full of cold, hard, gambling cash?

Gamble it. I devoted $20 to Jacks to see if I could get anything going. I couldn't. Changed machines. Tried $20 on Boner Deluxe. Nothing. And then I ran, I ran so far away from those Killer Fifty Cent Machines of Death.

I cashed my ticket and then wandered around and found a bank of four Beeffalllooo Gold machines against a wall, near the slot club. Perfect. Except that two machines had players at them, a third was locked up with a $2,400 jackpot on it, and the fourth was being played by the jackpot lady.

I moved on... to the blackjack table. A $5 game, 3:2 blackjack. Good enough for me. And there I spent a nice couple of hours, entertaining tablemates with my witty banter (who found it so witty that they often couldn't take any more hilarity and would change tables), and slowly making money.

After the first hour of betting $5 a hand I was up a hundred, and parlayed to $10 a hand. I played a solid second hour, but I hit a cut-off point and decided to call it.

For fun, I checked with the pit boss to see how I'd been rated.

"You played $5 a hand for two hours."

"No, I played $5 a hand for an hour and $10 a hand for the full second hour! Ask anybody!"

I don't know if she bought it, but it goes to show you that they do not always carefully observe your level of play. Therefore, they are going on a small sample which they then extrapolate. Therefore, they can be had. It's the oldest trick in the blackjack book, but apparently still worth a try - to bet bigger initially than you intend to in hopes all of your play will get rated higher than it actually is.

The second oldest trick in the blackjack book is to take two or three 10 minute bathroom breaks an hour - but I don't stoop that low.

Don't get me wrong, I have a moral compass spins like a roulette wheel, but even I have some self pride.

Non-existent Resorts World
After the Sandwich-in-an-Asshat debacle, I'd skipped lunch, and I was starving again. The buffet was open for dinner, and I ambled in. Thirty some bucks. But you get a free keno ticket, good for one game, anyway. I like that T.I. is trying to bring back keno while you eat at the trough - good memories.

For the first time in two and a half days, I ate and ate and ate until I couldn't ate any more. I took my time, took small portions of things, and loved every second of it. Finally when I was done, I felt full.
Spinach salad to order and lobster ravioli to order, with mushrooms, sun dried tomatoes and weirdo-bread.

Dog's Breakfast Mediterranean Delight plate, featuring happy-colon Kimchi.

Ho-hum ribs, good beans, excellent BBQ sauce, ho-hum orange chicken, super-salt beef'n, nondescript fish.
I threw in a dessert and coffee, too. My keno ticket tanked.

They have a draw promotion featuring Guy Smiley at the shmarm controls. I played this and that until draw time and then wandered over to see if I might magically win something. I didn't.
If he sings the Love Boat theme I'm going to punch somebody.
I reconvened at the Beefalllooo!! machines, which were unoccupied. And there I played for what seemed like hours, because it was hours. Jackpot lady from before showed up and sat next to me. She got an amazing bonus round that went on and on. When it was done, it was a hand pay. Then the woman on the machine to her right hit a hand pay.
Not my hand pay.
I managed to get enough out of the bonus rounds to keep playing and have an enjoyable time, chatting with my Beeefffalooo-mates. I played for over 3 hours and lost about $125.

It was nearing the end of a long day and I found myself too (ahem) "tired" to concentrate on any kind of game of skill. So, I opted for mindless Keno at the bar.

I came up with a strategy which involved Four Card Keno, and picking a general group of numbers close together. I overlapped a lot of the numbers and had different numbers of spots - a 3, a 4, a 5, and a 6 spot.

It went okay, I guess and ate a $20. I put another one in and got a minor hit to keep me going.

It was a wise decision for someone who was "tottering tired" to take respite at a bar, where more "tiredness" could be ordered.

I looked away for a second and looked down to see I'd hit a bunch. 5 out of 5 and a 4 out of 4 I think.

So, Mr. Savvy-ass had his best win of the day on Keno, which a chimp could play. (Which I proved, stumbling around like Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.)

What a great way to end a great day! (Or was it?)

Such a stroke of luck demanded a slice of Emergency Pizza, which I procured forthwith.
Open Wiiiiiide... one for Flusher..., one for Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp...
I learned way too much about whether or not some guy liked or didn't like the blonde girl. But he texted her back. But she didn't. But she snapchatted him. But he ghosted her. Ah to be young, with connectivity.

If I am going to choose buttery corn, this is the one!
It was late for me, and I was at that point where you're thinking, "I better just get my ass to my room and crash".

And so, I stopped by the Killer Fifty Cent Machines of Death. To play "Just. One. Twenty. Win or Lose. I Promise Myself! Just ONE!"

I sat down, plugged in a wrinkled old denom-bitch, dutifully put my card in, debated a bit over which game to play, picked one, and hit deal.

First hand, out of the gate.
Dealt quad.

I laughed, cashed it, and walked. Beautiful.

Not only was I up on the day, I was up on the trip. That's two winning days out of three, and a great start. There was lots more to come!
Poon-o-Matic results, end of  Day 3


    1. Wouldn't the 4OAK 5's paid $62.50 (plus your freeplay reimbursement)?

    2. Chris, it would. And it did. Thanks for the catch! Jimmy Poon has updated the post.

      1. No problem. Seems my math skills are only good for gambling and I'm ok with that.


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