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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Hilarious, Pathetic, Stupid Things I Do

Day 6 - Sun May 21, 2017

Sleep is great. There's nothing like having a great day at Vegas, winning, and going to bed exhausted, and sleeping like Beauty.

I woke up Sunday morning with a bounce in my step and a spring in my linens. As I got ready for my morning plans, I put on some music that suited my mood.

My choice was a great disc we put out on Royal Flusher Records in the 60s by the incredible Dick Waxz on sax. He'd paired up with Raoul Alberta, the innovative Brasilian toy piano player. Alberta had settled in Calgary and fallen in love with its gentle sophistication, giving up his native last name of Silva and adopting the name of the province that had swept him and his tiny piano off their respective feet.

Alberta would later characterize Calgarian culture as 'Duelie Diplomacy', where the love of loud engines and extra rear tires on a gigantic pick-up truck did the asphalt samba in perfect harmony with the city's other business, that of sucking oil money straight out of the ground.

Putting Waxz on sax in the studio with Alberta on toy piano was like mixing oil and water and getting mixed oil and water - and we called the smoky, sultry tinkling that resulted Nada Bowla.

When we released it, this iconic album (which also featured the vocal stylings of Flavio 'Lunchbox' Cajo de Almuerzo on its signature track "The Girlfriends in Impalas") kicked off the legendary Nada Bowla musical style that reigned the world's airwaves for those 9 incredible days in 1961.

It wasn't long, but it was fun, and as Dick used to say, "You gets what you can stan'".

I'd been given some machines to try at Bally's that my pal Funkhouser had had luck on. Now, when someone points out specific machines to try, it doesn't make any sense that they would be any better for you than any other machine.

But they probably wouldn't be any worse either, and with them in mind, you now have a plan to execute. I wanted to drop some play on CET anyway, to seed some future room offers. And besides, I wanted some Scottish food for breakfast, and McFlusher's was on the way.

Out I went into the morning, through the lobby doors, through the roundy-roundy driveway thingy, past the Starbucks and onto the Strip.

It wasn't a bad morning. Hot already, but no hordes of people to contend with. The odd jogger. Jogging in Vegas is like taking time out to do the dishes on your wedding night.

Part of my plan was to stop at Casino Royale for the $20 loss rebate promo. My card was old and pooched, so I had to get set up with a brand new one. And I decided to put the idea off until the return trip - 'cause I was hungry!
Here's Google's street view of the Elvis convention at McFlusher's
McFlusher's, for some reason, was up a long escalator ride up from ground level. Breakfast was uneventful and tasty, but the exit from McFlusher's was eventful, the event being the detaining and restraining of an over-zealous drunken asshole leftover from Saturday night.
Sin City! Vegas, baby VEGAS!
My coffee came along with me and together, we strolled into Harrah's. Right up to Beeffallloo!!!

Got enough cameras on me, assholes?
Like most forays into gambling, it was uneventful. I moved on.

Walking through the Dinq I tried to place where the old IP landmarks were... and I just couldn't. I never thought I'd miss the IPerooski, but I do.

For years, I'd remarked to the Quad Queen how underutilized the huge open area in front of Bally's was, with those long, long moving sidewalks feeding you into the maw of the horrible creature of the Bally ilk. (I'd also wondered what the fuck a "Bally" was.)

Here was this primo, primo piece of real estate, and when they finally did something with it, this is what they came up with? A flea market?

I think I said it just fine in the original live post about this:

I wound my way through what was once a prime piece of Las Vegas Boulevard property which Bally's has brilliantly leveraged to what amounts to a flea market. At the end of all this nonsense was the big escalator taking you to the walkway into the casino.

As I rode up, a couple rode down.

"It's blocked," said the couple. In unison.

I got to the top and saw what they meant by it being blocked.

It was blocked.

You can't see all this elements of a stupidity from the bottom of the escalator. WHY ISN'T THE SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING ESCALATOR? What a stupidity!

As I rode down, I passed a couple who rode up.

"Prepare to be disappointed," I said helpfully. Really, what could I say that would do them any good? Nothing. So why not screw with them a little bit. In about 20 seconds they'd nod their heads and go "that guy was right... what a disappointment!"

It took some doing but after some hunting, I located the first Funky machine - Zorrq. It did quite well, and it was fun to play. I could have cashed out even, or even up a little, but I pushed my luck and lost. What else is new.

When Zorrq says 'Touch my door', you'd better brace your buttocks.

I couldn't find the second Funky machine, but I did find the third one, and it was occupied. And it would remain occupied for the remainder of my stay at Bally's. Every time I checked on it, the person playing was in the middle of yet another bonus round and their credits had built up by almost $500 by the time I was done. So maybe that's the Funky Money Machine.

What I did find was Beeefffallloooo!!! and for the first time on this trip to Vegas, I went totally on stupid chasing tilt. It was a disaster, both in terms of lack of self control, and in terms of dumping 10% of my trip budget in an hour. At one point, I made a note that I'd lost $200 and gotten bonus winnings of a total of $8.

Why do I keep doing this over, and over, and over??? Why do I keep throwing money in, expecting it to change, and it's always the same outcome???

You know what they say about the definition of insanity?

Sure you do.

I have a different take on it though.

"The definition of insanity is repeating that stupid quasi-clever definition of insanity and expecting everyone to be surprised, charmed, and amused because they hadn't already heard it ten billion fucking times before." - Royal Flusher

Grabbing myself by the scruff of my neck and by my bootstraps, I carried myself out of Bally's and threw myself out the door. I decided to cross Flamingo right there, and saunter through the Barbary Coast uh Bills uh The Cromwell. I had too many memories of rows of full pay Deuces Wild machines to ever be interested in the Scamwell. I was in, I was out.

At Casino Royale I lost my $20, and got the $20 rebate, hitting my first four-to-a-royal draw of the trip.
Back at T.I., I was up for one last shot at the K.F.C.M.U.D. and $100 in got me a nice straight flush and I cashed out about $100 profit.

I went up to the room to blog and signed on to the internet. I opted for the double-fast version, because it was comped on my comped room, right? Wrong. Stupid bloody mistake.

Nobody wants to read about the hilarious, pathetic, stupid things I do, so I won't go into detail here. Point form will suffice.
  • $125 in internet charges on comped room, with no resort fee charge
  • Host, who I have stopped tipping, would do nothing and spouted the same corporate line she always spouts - "blah blah we look at your play blah blah comps based on your play blah blah you suck no internet rebate for you blah blah"
  • Put it behind me and felt smug walking out a winner at T.I. for the first time in years, also saved host tip.
If you want to read the stupid, gory details, and this same basic post written when I was live in Vegas, you can, right here - The Torn, Stained and Frayed Fabric of my Life.

Next stop, Fremont Street and The California Hotel and Casino, on which I have had a six month laser like focus because jonesing for the amazing Short Ribs I had there in December.


    1. Well I'm sorry you didn't find Zorrq behind the brown door. When you locate him and he pulls out his big long sword, the bonus credits can really rack up. I must also assume you didn't get a shot at the card picking bonus. Yes I have around 6 or 7 slots in Vegas that have reliably been ATM machines and salvaged a few losing trips. One of the Bally's one has been extra primo good. I think I am net +$3000 over my Vegas lifetime. I hope to god they never take that machine out.

      1. The one I couldn't get on... I'll be looking to play that sometime. Besides, Bally's owes me now. :)

    2. Okay, which machine in Bally's is the winning machine? I will be there in two weeks and could use a winning machine for a change. Unless of course, if you tell me - you will have to kill me...



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