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Sunday, November 12, 2017

Royal Flusher Actually Plays the Pokies

"You don't fuck with Big Red!" - John Croce, Jim Croce's less successful brother.
There were security guards brandishing metal detector wands at Sydney's Star Casino entrance and I expected they would search my bag, or make me check it - but it turned out that all they really wanted to do was to say g'day to us, cheers, good luck, and in we went.

What we saw was a sea of machines, and many table games. This was a major casino.

“Look at all the pokies!!!” I exclaimed. “Let’s run!”

First stop, the slot club. The Quad Queen and I each had our own attendant. Mine was a dumb as a sack of Koala shit. She tried four different terminals.

On terminal number four she spent twenty minutes looking at my ID, looking at the screen, and poking a few keys. She was up and down and up and down like one of those drinking bird toys. She mumbled things about scanning. Then she mumbled about having to maybe do things manually.

The Quad Queen had her card and got to watch the second half of this ordeal. Part of the problem was the she couldn’t fathom that I had a town and a province - she kept asking about Flushervilleon. Finally I told her ON was like NSW - New South Wales.

I think the issue was around scanning the licence for a photo, and parsing out the address and stuff - their computers weren’t made for a foreign license, and the computer operator shouldn’t even be allowed to attempt to run so much as a fucking can opener.

It took 45 minutes, but I finally had my card. We each got $10 free slot play, access to the Vantage lounge, which was like the Advantage lounge, but not as roomy.

We also got a free pull on a giant slot machine. I got $10 slot play and the QQ broke the bank with a $25 win.

The machine spit out tickets and guess what we had to do with those?

No, c’mon - guess.

No, not play them in a slot. Guess again.

No, not cash them in a TITO machine. Guess again.

No, not shove them up our asses.

OK, I’ll give you a hint. It has to do with a can opener operator.

YES! Take them BACK TO THE SLOT CLUB SHEILA (who doubled as a fence post in her off hours).

Another wasted 10 minutes of our vacation later, the free play was loaded onto our cards.

The Vantage lounge was Right. There. So, in we went, flashing our little cardboard passes like Mr. Bean with his first credit card, to get some refreshments. They don’t serve alcohol in the casino, which immediately put it way over to the right on the Gauge of Suckitude. There was a little restaurant at which you could purchase a bee-yah. What fun is that?

There was a long drinks bar and a bunch of tables and chairs to relax in. The drinks were like water dispensers, pop, juice and a couple of fancy coffee machines that used real milk (unlike the one at the 9 square foot VIA business class lounge).

I punched up a flat white and after 40 seconds of grindy whirry frothy spewy I had what turned out to be an excellent coffee.

Vantage Loungers

In the Vantage Lounge, there are also slot machines (imagine that) and we started a search for Beeeefffallloooo!!! All of the machines were penny (and up) slots - no reel slots - and most of them were attached to progressives. I avoid these because I can never confirm what level I have to play at to win the progressive.

We found a couple of Dragon Lady or something machines side by each that didn’t have a progressive and we went at it. Dragon Lady is basically the same as Beeefffaloooo!!! except that it doesn’t shout “BEEEFFFALLLOOOOO!!!!!” at you and it has the Predatory Widow Bonus mini-game.

The Quad Queen caught a really good Bonus round and won $40 or something. I had about three Bonus rounds and won like $5 a time.

This is basically Double Up, except it's Quadruple Up if you want to choose one of four suits instead of one of two colors.
We pounded the buttons for quite a while, listening to the announcements that were piped in. One of the announcement Sheilas mentioned “Novem-bah” which made me happy. After half an hour the Quad Queen was bored out of her skull and started pressing the Spin button rapidly and repeatedly to either get a damn Bonus or go out. Half the time she wasn’t bothering to look at the screen, which I found to be an insult to gambling. But that’s the way it is - the video slots just don’t hold her interest.

Roulette and Baccarat are HUGE here - both live and in machine versions.
Once we were both out of credits, we wandered, looking for any semblance of video poker, or of Beeefffallloooo!!! Believe it or not, in the whole place, we only found two such machines. I would have thought they’d be in abundance, since Aristrocrat is based in Australia, but Noy, they are not popular.

And neither is Video Poker - we didn't see a single game in the place.

Outdoor Gaming!

Australians say something halfway to ‘Noy’ for ‘no’ sounds. You knoy, Noy, Goy, Bloy… like that. I’m sure they don’t hear it any more than Canadians hear ‘aboot’. Americans hear that sound as being very obvious and exaggerated, when in reality, its a very subtle phoneme that doesn’t exist in the US verbal tongueography.

Wyld Stallyn? EXCELLENT!
The next exciting thing to happen was that I got warned off for taking photos. I was expecting it at some point, and I didn’t mind - we had most of the flavor of the place to share with you.

One million to one odds? That explains a LOT.
We did find a couple of Beeefffallooo!!! machines to play in penny denom, but it was so unrewarding. The payoffs for lots of Beefaloos was really small. So when I got a bunch of them I was excited, but won, like, 27 cents.

However... I have latched on to what had to be one of the most popular slots in the place - Big Red! Who wouldn't love a Kangaroo themed slot?

We found Big Red on the same multi-game machines as Beeeffallloooo and found that it is basically the same game, without the shouting.

They conveniently located a light rail stop right in the basement of the casino, so we figured out a route to get us close to the Hilton. We didn’t have to wait too long and we only saw one rat. Or rather, Mrs. F. did. It ran across the platform, onto the rails, and down the tunnel. Good place for a rat.

The hotel was a few blocks from the nearest stop, and pretty soon we were back in our room, tired, sunned out, and happy. I went out to get some crap food for dinner and tried something from an outlet called Oporto - namely a Double Dildo burger - or something like that. Bondage burger? Double Bondage?

Double Bondage Dildo meal deal please - and upsize it.
My experience at Oporto was difficult - it was so loud down in the food court, and the counter Sheila had an indecipherable accent.

She had to ask me about four or five times about the chili sauce, which wanted on the side. Double on the sandwich? On the sandwich and on the side more? Noy sauce? What? Huh? Noy?


I just kept saying things until she had something from me that she could order. I didn’t even want fries and a drink but I ended up with the meal deal anyway.

“Sorry, I’ve had a long day,” I said. “I’m easily dazed and confused.”

“Whayda yeeah come from shallopy whallopy noy noy noy?” she asked.

I blinked.

I blinked twice.

“Uh... Canada.”

She gave me one of those “You might be dangerous” looks that women give me and set about bustling to and fro behind the counter.

In my head I replayed her question over and over…. What the hell had she said?

Ah. Work.

She had asked if I’d just come from work.

I leaned over the counter a bit.

“Sorry, I misunderstood you. I didn’t come from the work - I came from the zoo…"

She bustled harder.

"And actually, I did come from Canada before the zoo, but that was two days ago so..."

Double Bondi! Of course, that’s it.

She handed my Bondage burger over. When I got it back to the room, I found that the burger actually contained, of course, about four thick juicy slices of marinated cooked chicken. It was pretty good, and I think the name of the place refers to Portuguese food. The flavor profile was completely different from anything I’ve had before, heavy on lime, and aromatic spices.

I had scored two club subs for Mrs. Flusher - one for dinner, one for breakfast. The Savvy Traveller knoys how to eat nourishing Subway sandwiches on a budget whenst travelling.

We did 17K steps in the day and that was all I had in the tank. An hour on the computer writing and I was out.

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