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Friday, April 13, 2018


Friday - Day 7

I wake up thinking of two things. One, within three minutes and 17 seconds I will have a cup of freshly brewed naked coffee thanks to the Little Giant, and two I have slot dollars, as Boyd calls them, coming - fifty of them.

Thought three is 'you dumb fuck boneheaded shit-ignorant smashed asshole-head fuck tonsils, you forgot to pick up February's slot dollars!!!' I had thirty of those coming. They came and went and didn't get spent.

It is unforgivable to leave free play on the table, unplayed. Unlike at almost every other place I play, at the California / Main Street Station, you have to go to the slot club and get the offered free play put onto your account. Everybody else just puts it on automatically.

It's still no excuse, and as the Little Giant makes its happy gurgling brew sounds, I wonder how many cups of coffee it would take today to save enough compared to Starbucks to make up for the squandered $30 free play.

Thought four is that GrommetCon is over! I pick up the phone and hit up the lobby Sheila.

"Norbert's room, please. This is the McDominatrix ladyboy cosplay latex balloon-pop kilt and bagpipe fetish escort he ordered - Mistress Caber..."

There is a long pause.

"I'm waiting in the Keno lounge for him," I add.

"One moment..."

I wait.

"I'm so sorry Mistress, err, Cavern - "

"Caber. Mistress Caber, lass."

"- he's checked out already."

"Oh. Well, thank you lass, I suppose I'll have to blow my pipes somewhere else. And to you, as we say in the business, here’s tae the heath, the hill and the heather, the bonnet, the plaid, the kilt and the leather."

I am supposed to help tear down the booth, and supervise the foreman who watches over the drayage foreman who clocks in and out the drayage workers, who knock the shit out of any weenie scab trying to move stuff in or out of the conference center themselves. Instead, I will take the opportunity to play hookey.

Screw the Torment Oatmeal, I need some calories!
First things first, the slot club. I'm pretty good at negotiating because of my legal expertise, which I got by reading a description of a law course at Matchbook University. Although I never got around to taking the course, when it comes to persuading and explaining mitigating circumstances, I excel.

"Can I have my March slot dollars?"


"I missed my February slot dollars. Can I have them now?"


"I was here in February. Ask anyone. Can I have my February slot dollars?"


"Can you just put them on March or something?"

"Go away."

"I told someone at the slot club in February to put the February slot dollars on, and they didn't do it."

"Are you lying?"


"Be gone."

I text the Quad Queen and confess my latest fit of twatness. Her reply is, "You need a win to balance missing it."

How right she is.

On the way in to the coffee shop, I make sure that the green expired Emerald card is in my shirt pocket. It's a repeat of yesterday. I meander down the VIP lane... and there's that 'Boss' Stank again. This time I'm ready. I flash 16 square millimeters of green plastic and say, confidently, "Emerald, one."

"Good to see you again, this way," he says.

Why couldn't Stink Eye Boss Stank work at the slot club?

I grab breakfast - omelette with Zippy's chili and cheese - and forge a Strict Rules of Parlay plan. I'll take the fifty slot dollars and play ten sessions of the Micro Strict Rules of Parlay, which is the same as the Strict Rules of Parlay - Queensbury variation, except you start with five bucks and try to parlay to a decent quad.

$5 Parlay
Notes Winnings
1Get a full house, got to 50 cents, lose all hands in a row.$0
2Get two flushes, parlay to 50 cents, then dollars with $25, then lose all five hands in a row.$0
3Get to 50 cents, then lose all hands in a row.$0
4Make it to dollars, win one hand, then lose all hands in a row. Fuck.$0
6No comment.$0
7What the fuck.$0
8Get to 50 cents, lose all hands. Goddamn it.$0
9Make it to dollars, make it to $30, then crash and burn like a jockey's butthole.$0
10Switch machines. Lose.$0
11Play $20, screw parlaying, walk away and try Desperation Ultra Bonus.


Say what? YES!

I have hit paydirt. I have also hit four threes with kicker for $200.

I text the Quad Queen: "Is this good enough?"

Oddly, during my mostly failing parlay attempts, I am again dealt four to a royal on the redeal. That's more than once this trip.

I play a bit more and then go on walkabout - heading down the road to the Downtown Grand to check out the bartop progressive - and from there on to the El Cortez to visit my beloved Downtown Deuces machines and hopefully get the Downtown Deuces for $500.

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