I'll Have a Club Sanchez, Please

What could possibly tear a couple of degenerates away from the soft, welcoming arms of the Cosmopolitan? $40 freeplay each at the Golden Nugget, just a bus ride away, that's what.

We loaded up our RTC apps with a bus pass each and headed out. If you are lame enough to take public transit (like me), you need to use the RTC app in Las Vegas. You just do.

The day was somewhat overcast and still a bit chilly - I wish there had been more sun like when I went to get breakfast. We hustled to a bus stop and could see that the SDX was like 2 minutes away to whisk us in express-like fashion straight downtown, with a minimum of stops.

We watched in glee as the SDX whisked by us in express-like fashion without even slowing down. We were at a stop that only the Deuce used. Shit.

I remembered (too late) from last trip that the SDX could be grabbed at a stop just outside Paris - we hustled, dodging the usual 5-abreast tourist trudgers from Dumbsylvania, the Mad Max Strollers weaving around, shifting directions abruptly in search of fresh ankle meat to crash into, the Narcoleptic Selfie takers who stop dead directly in front of you to take the 9,001 photo of themselves fake-smiling in front of the nearest facade, and the grubbers, looking to sell you any manner of thing, including photos with themselves in a lame rental costume that has nothing particularly special about it.

Given all those challenges, and the fact that the SDX was topping out at a flying 19 miles an hour, we had no chance.

We were relegated to the Deuce. Which is Samoyed for "double-decker living hell".

The Deuce torments you by always slowly loading passengers while stopped directly in front of a green light. When the light goes yellow and then red, the Deuce is ready to roll, after sitting at the red light for five minutes. (Vegas has some of the longest lights in the world.)

The promised $40 free play each did materialize and we played it at the bar. The bartender made a big point of asking us if we were going to gamble, explaining the light system, explaining that he might come back if and when our lights came on to take our order.

I countered by shoving $100 in the machine and then loading the freeplay, and ordering a tall cold "I'm fine, I want nothing".

Neither of us won anything on the freeplay and I cashed out my hundred. Nugget bartenders. They are of a type.

At the Four Queens, we met up with the Kevins and had a nice lunch together. Guess what I had?

Country fried steak and eggs sluiced over with Country Throw-up Gravy

Next stop, the Mikes bar, with both Mikes in attendance. One Mike was all decked out in green. I told him that if his mistletoe was green, he should see a doctor.

I managed to find some luck early, and the Quad Queen took her sweet time before getting dealt 2s and drawing for the kicker for a $400 win.

I videoed the draw for your entertainment, in case you have a spare 22 seconds with which to watch gambling.

Just for fun, this happened, or didn't happen. And it wasn't that much fun either.

That was my first four-to-a-royal this trip. The Quad Queen had one on triple play quarters, so three attempts. The hundred play one doesn't really count. Because hundred play. And pennies.

My credits petered out and the Quad Queen cashed a $400 ticket. Next, I tried the Wheel of Meat machine that has been getting a lot of attention lately. The progressive on it is almost $2M. It fucked me hard, yielding one measly win of $10 over $100 worth of pulls. (That would be 11 pulls.) Complete horrible waste of 30 seconds of time.

It seemed like the full pay jacks would be a great place to employ the Strict Rules of Parlay. Man it went awful. Neither of us got off the ground.

I left a card behind for who wants it. When you pick it up, remember how much money we put in on those machines in half an hour. Even Jacks can bite you in the ass. The Quad Queen tried some dollar and 50 cent play and it sucked. Most of her bar win was absorbed.

Silver Strike yielded a Silver Strike, which I immediately cashed in.

Where next? The Downtown Grand to see what the progressives were.

The bare Aces on double double were double - almost $400 - while Aces Kicker were $630 or so.

But nobody took them down, not even Santa, who was posing for pics, squeezing the bottoms of young women, and handing out Rolex watches to the men.

We took a stroll down the street to the El Cortez, which seemed like the perfect place to be on a Christmas Eve.

And it was. We had a great time kicking around there, playing this and that. Even with the quads at the Four Queens, we were still losing all day and again it was piling up.

I managed to do something I'd never done before - play video poker for 3 cents a credit. You can play multi-play Super Slutty Times Pay at the El Cortez for 1, 2 or 3 cents a hand, and also, of course, nickels, quarters and so on. The Quad Queen chose pennies.

Even at 3 cents, I lost money. Mrs. F was happy pounding away on her penny machine, so I headed to the pit.

I finally managed some luck, at the blackjack table. I bought in for $100 and treaded water for an hour before making a run at $300. I made it to $255, and when I plummeted to $200 even in about six hands, I bailed.

The hand below was interesting. I was betting $10 a hand and dealt two 8s, which I split. Another 8 was dealt, so I split again. And I got another 8 and split again. That last hand on the left received a 3, so I had to double. All of a sudden I had $50 in play. (The hand of the player on my right also had an 8 in it, so all in all, that's a shitload of 8s.) I ended up breaking even on that hand. It could have been a big hand either way.

While I was playing, the Quad Queen hassled a dollar Double Deuces machine for about an hour on $40. (It should be noted that I did not go and confirm that my beloved Downtown Deuces machines were in fact defunct and gone - it would just be too painful.)

We finished the night fucking around on the dollar coin droppers in the Alcove.

I was trying to hit something on a Double Double Bonus machine when the Quad Queen blurted out something about a Club Sanchez.

"A what?"

"It said I should have a Club Sanchez," said the Quad Queen.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

She started to giggle.

"It said Club Sanchez," she said, pointing to the little display.

"What's a Club Sanchez?"

"Maybe a sub with a little mustard mustache on it?"

We started to laugh, and kicked this idea around in all kinds of directions. It was hysterical. It turns out she'd seen "Club Cortez" and thought of a dirty "Club Sanchez".

Alcohol may have been a factor in the accident.

We made our way back to Fremont, pretty much busted out for the day, but happy. A quick stop at ABC for supplies - the makings of a healthy breakfast - took but a few minutes, and then we were rocketing back to Aria 51 via Lyft. Fuck the bus.

Room camping breakfast supplies.

It was almost ten, and we hadn't had any dinner, so we used up our $50 food credit at the Aria cafe - I had a reuben (acceptable) and she had the $26 steak and eggs (acceptable, except that the Cal steak and eggs is marginally better, and one third the price).

It was an incredibly fun day, and even though we both lost our budgets and then some, there are no regrets. It was worth every penny to have such a great time Vegasing!

The winning will come.

Right?

Right?...