RSS findIndex trimsentences createcard



createItems and other JavaScript code

Item Render Code

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Wax up Your Balls -or- Are You Experinced?

First and important things first - the electrical tape secured the door from casino smoke. Livin' large in downtown Vegas. God love ya Wendy O.

We got up at (ulp) 5:30 AM in preparation for reinsertion into the orbit of Eastern Time - and because our flight out the next day was at 6:00 AM, necessitating a 3:30 AM awakening time. Should be resuscitating not necessitating.

The Little Giant performed caffeine spirit animal hallucinations beautifully once again. I love that little guy, although he took up quite a bit of room in my tiny Travelpro carry on.

I wanted to lose at buy some Keno tickets to check, so once we were human, that was the first order of business.

The Keno Lady is a delightful woman with a good sense of humor.

By that, I mean that she was less offended than most casino employees at my demi-rude banter.

When we arrived, the Keno Lady was engaged with some sort of activity involving the ping pong like balls that are used to select winning numbers.

"Why are you manipulating the balls?" I asked. Innocently.

"I'm waxing them."

"Waxing them! I had no idea. Is it required or something?"

"Yes, the balls have to have wax applied."

"There's nothing fairer than a set of well waxed balls," I said. With a straight face.

The Keno Lady laughed.

There's nothing like a set of well-waxed balls. I use Tuff Cote silicon carnuba wax, for bouncier balls.
"Are the balls like ping pong balls, or are they heavier than those balls?" I queried. Demurely.

"No, actually, they are lighter than ping pong balls. And they have to be checked for weight to make sure they are all the same."

"So... it's important to check your balls to make sure they have a uniform weight." I said. Shyly.

"Yes," she said, "you have to have uniform balls."

I am not making this conversation up. The Keno Lady was happy to play along and we were giggling like cub scouts. Scout's honor!

I asked if they ever thought of having ribald promotions, like t-shirts saying stuff with "You have to have balls to play Keno."

She said that they didn't but when she worked at another leading ball-waxing keno lounge, they did that sort of thing.

I didn't win much on my bet - yes, I had a lot of fun, but my balls weren't matching. I do feel blessed at the incredibly 11-year old-style humor the Keno Ball Lady afforded me, though.

We went over to Main Street Station, and I chose nickel Slutty Times Pay, but next thing I knew, the Quad Queen was playing quarter 10-play Bonus Poker. It was something she wanted to do this trip, and I fully supported her efforts, saying gentle, encouraging, sweet nothings like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!!!!"

The first $100 went very well for her, until she lost it. The next $300 were just as effective.

Meanwhile, I'd played for a long time on my $20, and when it eventually drained, I managed an hour on $100 of 10-play of my own. Because what's good for the 10 gooses is good for the 10 ganders.

In fact, I made it up to 900 quarters, down to 65, Lazarused a couple of times, and made it back to 400. And I cashed out even on the excursion, plus a few scratch cards.

But the Quad Queen, man, she was steamed. And I didn't blame her. The wind was out of her video poker sails.

Planning the Great Donut Heist right now!
We had some yummy $400 breakfast omelettes for free, and then tried some more video poker. The Quad Queen lost $60 and bailed for a nap. Meanwhile, I went on a machine tour, and lost on all of them

Mr. T. Hook graciously made a $20 donation with the instructions "Treasure Chest".

So that's what I did. It is summarized below.

Here's what I played.

Well, the Treasure Chest $20.
Buffalo $40
10-play Bonus Poker, just $20. Then $20 more dollars. Fortunately, I'd broken my money in to twenties.

Then $20 more at Bonus, and $20 more. Then the final $20 at 10-play. So that's $100 in useless 10-play.

Then $20 on Pinchy.

Then $40 on NSUD Deuces Wild.

And then bought a pair of $20 Keno tickets, and found myself out of stake, less $10.

Because nothing was paying, and Keno pays even worse, I played the $10 on Keno.

This is the God's honest truth on the last dollar that I had on my person out of my stake, I hit 5 out of 5 and a 3 out of 3 and a 4 out of 4 on the stupid Keno game for $230 plus dollars. If you look at the payout, you can tell that what is in the machine is exactly what I won.

Proving, once again, that where there are credits, there are hope.

Meanwhile on the live Keno, not once, but twice I was one number short of winning on both tickets. I had a ticket of 4 numbers, and one of 5, and the last number was one that was in common with both of the tickets.

If I'd gotten the last number, it would be a $1200 win.

But I didn't. And it wasn't.

And I played through the winnings on the Keno machino. Because it was 'fun'.

Back at the room, the Quad Queen was sound asleep, still napping, so I pumped out a lame blog post to appease the eager, degenerate readers of their gory gambling details. (I hope it appeased appropriately!)

Next up... a coupon run with results that could never be foreseen (unless you read the fine print). New Year's Eve Day Eve could not get odder!

Are you experinced? Have you ever been experinced? Well... I have.

Addendum from the Nevada gambling regulations, courtesy Funkhouser:

251.07B - Requires that the operator must inspect all balls for cleanliness and defects prior to use at the beginning of each day. Cracked balls and any balls on which the optical coding or numbers have been worn off must be replaced. The balls must be waxed periodically according to directions provided by the licensed manufacturer-distributor of the automated ball draw system. Back-up ball inventories must be maintained in a locked storage cabinet to prevent unauthorized access.


    1. Did they charge people $50 bucks to be on freemont street for new years eve? Wtf

    2. I wonder how much longer Free Halloween on Freemont street will last?


    Leave a message for Royal Flusher!