How the Onion Rings

Spring weather has settled in. Blue skies. Sunshine. My favorite steel drum player panging Bob Marley. The antidote to Flusherville winter.

It was getting way past lunch time and somewhat before dinner time - so the only solution was to order a double cheeseburger (spicy jack) with bacon and jalapenos, and onion rings.

You haven't live until you've heard how the onion rings at the Four Queens.

I don't eat many burgs at Magnolia's for some reason (CTUG) but I decided to go all out and was hugely surprised.

First of all, there's no need for a double. A single patty has as much meat as three Johnny Rocket's $12 burgs. No human should consume a burger the size of the double cheeseburger at Magnolia's.

I must be inhuman. Or maybe inhumane.

There's a burger in there somewhere.

The QQ opted for S & Es.

Man that cheeseburger was good! Flame broiled (to perfection of course), hot, juicy... I managed about six bites holding the massive beast in my hands, and then had to set it down. It still looked like an intact cheeseburger.

We used the second two for one entree coupon from the LVA book, and paid on points, bringing the cost of the meal down to the $0.75 tip.

Oh come on, you know I love to do that. The server was taken care of properly.

$20 in comp dollars covered everything. What a bargain!

Believing in the math, we went at the jacks machines again, trying to parlay. I did a bit better today, actually hitting a few quads, but after a couple of hours, I'd only played a few minutes at higher denoms before having to drop back.

My set of 9s.

QQ abandoned Jacks for some reason, and hit 9s.

I found myself getting frustrated.

I changed machines to start yet again and first hand out of the gate, hit a quad.

I played a few hands to get past the post-quad dip (ever notice this?) and got back up to about 190 credits. Then I parlayed to 50 cents.

A couple of fulls house later and I was finally onto dollars with 80 in the tank.

It felt good. Things were rolling. This is where I'd finally hit pay dirt. I went down a little, then up a little.

Next thing I knew, I lost a ridiculous number of hands in a row and was down at $40. Time to de-parlay and go to 50 cents. I went on tilt and blew through it all on dollars. This is my weakness in the parlay system. I dropped down every time until now on this trip, but couldn't do it in this case.

A minute later all the $80 was gone. And I was pissed.

Time to get out of there and head back to the ElCo for a break. We picked up a bunch of consolation snacks to enjoy (bottle of Jameson, bottle of cheap bourbon) and holed up in the room for a while.

We've had a great time so far, but at some point you have to start winning something or it gets old.

Back in the casino, we tried the coin droppers again and after a $20 I went to play blackjack, per plan.

The first table was a disaster. After 12 minutes I was down half my $100 buy in. I think I won 2 hands, pushed about 6, and lost the rest. So long unlucky table and the unlucky assholes sitting at it that jinxed me, and also so long the asshole dealer that dealed the asshole-jinxed cards that assholed me. Assholes.

I tried another table and managed a half an hour before it was gone. Highest I made it was $75, but I spent most of the time under water.

Time to find the Quad Queen. I walked the floor, looking in all the usual places, and finally found her on a machine in an area that we've never played in before.

She'd been playing nickel deuces - and ended up playing 90 minutes on an 85 cent buy-in.

Fairly sloshed with cheap traveller bourbon, I opted for a 'non-concentration' sport and fired up four card keno at the 20 cent level. $20 in. Kind of cool to have 20 cent denom on a machine, it's unusual. I played a 4 spot, two 5 spots, and a 6 spot. One credit each except two on the 6 spot, to total a buck a spin.

Before long, I hit 4 out of 4 for like 91 credits. Multiply that by 20 cents to get the amount.

I giggled. Cool.

Kept pushing the button and watching the Quad Queen.

I hit the same 4 out of 4 and giggled some more.

After maybe 20 minutes of this fucking around, I decided to take a photo of QQ, which I did. And when I turned back and glanced at the screen the credit meter was going nuts.

I giggled a lot.

Shame I didn't get that sixth number - it would have been nearly $1000.

We tried some crazy dollar coin droppers just north of the craps tables, taking turns.

After I'd lost, I stood up. There was a lanky black fellow walking toward me, kind of tough looking guy missing a few teeth, looked like a young Chuck Berry, kind of.

The people playing craps let out a huge WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!, blasting everyone near and far with their annoying jubilation.

I locked eyes with the guy and put my hands up a bit and gave a fake, limp, sarcastic 'woooooo...'. He kind of smiled. And then I followed up with '...motherfuckers.' We both busted out laughing. It was one of those moments.

We finished the night fooling around on the coin droppers, me mostly on the Double Deuces, and the QQ mostly on Joker Wild. And she did very well, bringing up a decent sized bucket of quarters when we quit for the night.

Coin Dropper Heaven. Where gamblers go to die. Also, where they go after they die.

At some point the midnight munchies got me, so I grabbed a slice from Naked City Pizza. It was pretty good! A bit doughy for my liking, but for a reheat, it hit the spot.

I felt good keeping a $200 ticket from the keno win in my wallet.

Ironic isn't it.

We're playing all the best machines, going for low volatility jacks, following strategy... and the biggest win of the trip so far is on a stupid 20 cent keno machine.

Footnote: I saw a sign in the Four Queens yesterday "Blackjack Pays 3:2". I thought maybe this was a good sign, because their blackjack is dismal. I said to the QQ it's probably not what it seems.

Today I checked it out and sure enough... there is a mandatory side bet on the game.

Once again, Four Queens tries to pull a fast one. Wasn't hyping triple zero roulette with 'more ways to win' bad enough? Please guys, you've got enough going for you without having to mislead. Just put in some good blackjack games.