The Kenoman Kan

You shouldn't play Keno and neither should I. Standard disclaimer. I picked up my $57 in 'winnings' at the D Keno lounge on my $200 ticket.

"Do you want to lounge around for a while?" I asked the Quad Queen.

"No."

"So... not quite decided? See these luxe booths here? They're for keno players only. That's me, and by extension, you. Shall we sit while I figure out my next winning strategy?"

"No."

"Great, we'll just sit here then."

The D has great rates for lowball Keno play, including the terrific Deano rate (D... D eano rhymes with keno? Get it? I didn't for days).

My plan was to do a ticket with a group of four numbers and two kings. I'd bet two 5 spots and a six spot. Guess what? I could do this for a nickle a way.

What's more, the keno boothling steered me towards the Candyman rate. It's skewed to the 5 out of 5 and 6 out of 6 payoffs. Just what I wanted.

Basically, the payback for getting all numbers is much higher at the cost of a very low payback for anything under that. For example, 5 out of 5 is $50 but 4 out of 5 is a paltry $0.35.

Who can take a tick-et? Sprinkle it with doo? Spend a few twenties just to get a buck or two. The Kenoman kan. The Kenoman kan. The Kenoman kan cause he mixes it with love and makes the numbers taste goooood.

I set up a 500 game ticket at a nickel a way for my three ways per game, and that came to $75.

Why was I doing this? So that I could gamble at the airport, gamble on the plane, gamble on the drive home, gamble while picking up Chippy, and even gamble while working my Monday shift at Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer.

Hitting either of my 5 out of 5s would pay me $50, and the 6 out of 6 would pay $125 - but since that would by definition include both 5 out of 5s, it would be $125 + $50 + $50 = $225. I figured I would probably hit this six or seven times.

I figure lots of things.

I figure that readers of a certain age now have what is indisputably the single worst song ever recorded by a member of the Rat Pack sweetly gumming up their brains.

You're welcome. The Kenoman Kaaaan.

We headed back, saying goodbye to Fremont for this trip. I was ready for some downtime (I said), to pack (I said), and reflect (I said), but the truth is, I wanted to be alone with my keno numbers, the kenousa site, and the last of the bourbon.

The Quad Queen, who has developed a thing for 10-play quarters at $12.50 a pull, wanted to scratch that itch one last time at the Cal.

This makes me so nervous. There's a lot of things that can go right with it. For example, you greatly increase your chances of hitting a Royal, but if you hit only one, there are no tax issues, compared to playing at, say, the $2 denomination.

But when it goes bad, it can go bad fast, and I've seen a very unhappy Quad Queen drop a number of hundies in a very short time - and when this happens, there is unhappiness.

Good God, the first photo came in, and then another, and I figured we would be okay. Go Quad Queen!

It's so fun when one of us is playing and texting photos to the other. You get a tiny photo and zoom in - what is it?! What denom?! How much did it pay???! How many credits on the meter?!!!

Two - Two - Two sets of Pointies!

She hammered that machine for about half an hour and cashed out the winnings.

Perfect! Well done!

It really was time to pack, get ready for the red eye, eat a final meal, and have a final gamble.

One last chance this trip to knock one out of the park. Or maybe bunt to the pitcher.