Liftoff! Liftoff of Apollo Y-Leven!

It's exciting being an astronaut. And I couldn't be more excited and proud to lead the Apollo Yo-Leven Moonar Landing mission.

It hasn't been easy to get to this point, what with the rigours of many minutes of training, and generally ignoring Jimmy Poon's instructions and warnings. I also skipped the training he'd prepared on how you poop in a bag taped to your butt - somehow I think I can get along just fine without this level of aerospace indignity.

Anyway, here I am, ready to begin the incredible voyage to land on and explore Moon Vegas.

Which is not to be confused with the Moon Resort and Casino, an ill-fated themed property concept that got as far as a pretty good looking papier-mache model, but other than that, didn't get off the ground. (And yet... there is still a website registered.)

I'm strapped my seat in the Apollo Yo-Leven command module, at the very top of the towering Heartburn 5 rocket, listening to the countdown and waiting for the moment when we finally light this candle!

OK - here we go.

Me: "Seatbelt fastened, tray table locked and stowed - all systems go."

Capcom: "T minus 9, 8, 7, umm-"

Me: "Six."

Capcom: "Right, 6, 5 whatever, ignition sequence start."

There's a deafening roar of the Heartburn 5's powerful engines igniting and then...

Capcom: "Liftoff! We have liftoff of Apollo Yo-Leven!"

I'm on my way!